Our DD estranged us then went off to university

I know

Once again, I really appreciate all your good suggestions (and even the not so good suggestions), but there's no point in asking for suggestions without acting on them, so I just wanted to give you some feedback about what we have done / plan to do.

I sent DD a (hopefully tasteful and mildly funny) e-Xmas card with a brief supportive message. No response. I didn't really expect to get one because she hasn't responded to any overtures from us for over three years, but I will keep trying, probably once every six months for birthday and Xmas.

We have been somewhat avoiding my sister for the last three years because we were too embarrassed to talk about what has happened, and we knew we would probably have to talk about it if we showed up with no DD in tow and no explanation. (Actually it was mostly my other half who was embarrassed about it rather than me). But we have now grasped the nettle and invited ourselves to my sister's extended family Xmas day get-together for the first time in the three years, so that should be interesting.

I was somewhat horrified to hear that some organisations are explicitly advising children not to have any contact with their parents in order to get the maximum financial benefit. I believe there's a "charity", Stand Alone (standalone.org.uk) which does this, and it sounds as though there are others as well. It sounds to me like this is throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. Uni is just a brief phase in someone's life, but parents are forever whether you like it or not, so why risk permanently damaging your relationship with your parents for the sake of a few hundred or even a few thousand pounds?

Finally, there has been some speculation about whether / why we had difficulty helping our children financially through Uni, so I thought it might be helpful if I explain a bit more about that. When the children were small we emigrated to another country, worked there for 11 years, decided we didn't like it and came back to the UK. In doing that, we fell foul of the other country's tax laws. They have this thing called "departure tax" which is basically a sort of legalised theft where the other country gets to keep most of your money and property which you have earned there. So we found ourselves back in the UK with a good income, but almost no savings, and close to retirement ( I reach state pension age in 2 years). Because our income looks good on paper, we would probably be assessed for maximum parental contributions, but at the moment we are desperately trying to put money aside for our own retirement, and funding three kids through Uni at the same time would be very difficult.

Hope that clarifies things a bit, and thanks once again for your suggestions.

Thank you for the clarification. I’m glad you have decided not to continue to keep your daughter’s situation to yourself - that will lift a burden and I hope lead to support. I hope we will one day hear from you that your daughter is back in touch. 💐

I'm sorry but UNI is not a brief phase in someone's life, it is the foundations for their entire future and it matters greatly to them...

Please don't go to your daughter with that idea as it will go down like a lead balloon

I think you need to change your thinking here and acknowledge that this really mattered to her and you should have worked with her and supported (not necessarily financially) what amounts to her entire dreams and aspirations in life.

I think this is where you are going wrong completely

It was good of you to come back with more information DogWhisperer, and I'm also really pleased that you are no longer keeping this to yourselves.

You are absolutely right when you say that attending university is a brief phase in someone's life, and it's incomprehensible that anyone would suggest an AC estrange their parents, purely for financial gain.

I don't understand why you persist with your opinion that the OP has not supported or worked with her D VS. I know from our experience with our DS how much it matters to be able to go to uni., but there's something seriously amiss if that means more to an AC than their loving parents, and very disturbing that some may be encouraged to estrange their parents so their courses will be fully funded.

University, or college, is not a brief phase in someone's life; it is the foundation of their future life and career if used properly, particularly for someone academically bright who had been looking forward to it.
I think your daughter has your measure.

eazybee

University, or college, is not a brief phase in someone's life; it is the foundation of their future life and career if used properly, particularly for someone academically bright who had been looking forward to it.
I think your daughter has your measure.

Yes I do too...

DogWhisperer did you go to university?

I think your daughter has your measure got the OP's measure of what eazybee?

If you are the guarantor of her flat then surely you have the right to know what is going on. The landlord who owns the flat can come after you if she stops paying rent because you guaranteed it would be paid. Can you get in touch with the landlord as you will have all the companies details on the copies of the paperwork you signed when you became your daughter's guarantor. What if she leaves the country owing the landlord a lot of money, you know that it will fall on you to pay it.

The OP said on page 1 that her daughter only lived in the flat for a year. Why can people not be bothered to read the thread before wading in?

I don't know GSM but if everyone did, it might help avoid unnecessary criticism of the the OP.

Although I was never estranged from my family I do think lots of my generation never went "home" again after university. Our relationship with our parents was different after living away.

Only one of my own children actually ever lived here (briefly) after university as far as I can recall. They have all made their own way in the world straight away.

University was more than a brief phase for me - and my friendship group.

It would actually be a pity if University didn't change you - and challenge you - in my opinion.

I think people have misinterpreted the OP’s reference to ‘a brief phase’. I interpret her words as meaning ‘a brief period’ - three or four years. Hopefully the daughter has gained much from her university experience, in terms of learning and of broadening horizons and making new friends.

I have the feeling that the daughter has sensed that education is not of prime importance to her family at this time.

I come from a family where my parents did not have the opportunities open to my generation, and they were determined I was going to make the best of them, whatever it took.

I hope the daughter has survived, and has managed to achieve her ambition via university.

Why would the OP's D sense that her education isn't of prime importance to her family at this time eazybee? Being unable to financially support your child through uni doesn't equate to not wanting them to go, or being unprepared to support them in other ways.

I'd like to think that anyone mature enough go off to uni,
would be mature enough to understand if their parents can't give them the financial assistance they desire.

I hope the daughter has survived what a bizarre and unhelpful thing to say.

*I'd like to think that anyone mature enough go off to uni,
would be mature enough to understand if their parents can't give them the financial assistance they desire*

I agree Smileless

It's means tested, daughter could get full help while applying from home if the parents cannot afford to help

Parents just have to agree to filling out the forms which are relatively simple to do

I believe the OP has explained the reason why she and her husband had good incomes but no savings, which they were trying to restore before retirement. On paper, they would have been deemed capable of supporting their daughter - but the reality was very different if they weren’t to leave themselves poor in old age.

We knowit's means tested VS but on paper, it may look as if the parents are able to support their child through uni, but that isn't necessarily the case which is why there are loans for students to apply for. Or are some parents expected to leave themselves financially vulnerable?

Completing forms to apply for a student loan is relatively simple, as is asking your parents to act as guarantor so you can rent a flat, which the OP's D managed to do.

VioletSky

It's means tested, daughter could get full help while applying from home if the parents cannot afford to help

Parents just have to agree to filling out the forms which are relatively simple to do

It's means tested, daughter could get full help while applying from home if the parents cannot afford to help

But, on paper, they would be deemed able to help. The OP has made it clear.

It's not - as you said earlier - that they are unwilling to complete the forms, it's because they already know that their income is too high for the award of a grant or benefits.

You appear determined to disparage parents SV, here and elsewhere.

Having children is a choice, ensuring they are well educated a basic function of parenting

The parents didn't want to contribute towards uni fees as they wanted more money for their own future...

As a parent, my children's needs come before my wants. I wouldn't put my needs last no but my wants yes... My children are the family I chose to create and their future matters to me too

The parents were coming up to retirement age and had lost their savings through no fault of their own. They needed to save money for their old age. There’s a big difference between needs and wants.

But what you are missing is that the only way this daughter could pursue university was to do it without her parents support and leave the family home

She probably felt forced out, the choice taken away, and suddenly off into the world before she was ready

She obviously has a lot of feelings about that and her feelings are being treated as invalid

People just don't go where their feelings are invalid

I don’t agree. Plenty of people work whilst at university - or she could have saved money before going to university instead of renting a flat. You seem intent on heaping blame on the parents when they didn’t have the means to give her money unless they sacrificed their ability to save for their old age. You are much younger than most of us - knowing that you are approaching the point when you can no longer earn and have little in the bank must be very worrying.