Estranged daughter and my will

Have the final word, continue to hold on to all those big feelings till the final moment of life, or find a way to be the better person, the best revenge is always happiness

Also to add that smileless helps so many estranged and hurt grandparents. She is a very sensible and loving mother and gran. It’s a shame her grandchildren can’t benefit from her goodness.

Iam64

Help Smilesless? In what universe do patronising, passive aggressive posts help her or anyone
You’re an expert on your own estrangement Violet, not an expert on estrangement with the skills to ‘help’ others
You say you mean well and I may be wrong but I don’t see goodwill in your posts to smiles

Exactly.

VioletSky

Have the final word, continue to hold on to all those big feelings till the final moment of life, or find a way to be the better person, the best revenge is always happiness

I'm sorry VS but that just isn't helpful or compassionate

No, it's not pascal, it's honest but not compassionate. I can see I am showing some frustration after a few pages of nastyness towards me

I'll hide the thread

Whose wanting to have the last word and holding on "to all those big feelings till the final moment of life"? Whose seeking revenge?

I know the best revenge is happiness because against all the odds we are happy. You seem to want to think that all EP's live out their lives in perpetual misery and sadness. We don't. You can see from the support thread that lives have been rebuilt and that peace and happiness has been found.

I see no nastiness toward you VS just honest responses to what you post.

VioletSky

Namsnanny

I sometimes wonder if EAC project their personal situation onto any anonymous EP they can find.
Just because it's easier and they can't off load their feelings on the actual perpetrator.
The same could be the other way around of course.

The difference imho between the two groups, especially here, is the EP are looking for support from people on the same situation.

Whereas the EAC seem to be looking to argue with educate EAP's

It's a real shame you think that, it will colour your perception of any estranged child unfairly

No I don't think so, as it only really happens on here, not when I'm in the rw.

Many years ago, I became disabled. Through an illness. I reached the point where I knew that the only way I’d get fitter was to start with my brain. Home computers were fairly recent, so I bought one. This was about 1999.

I found a disability forum, now defunct, that was asking for mods that could give accurate advice on claiming sickness/disability benefits. They made me a mod. I had worked in the field and understood it.

DH, totally independently, as I didn’t know him then, had done the same. That’s how we met.🙂

Anyway, we batted on giving the practical advice. Everyone on that site were disabled - some from birth, some later in life. We all “got” how it is, with all aspects of life.

No worries - but the one thing that would kick off arguments spectacularly, was fit and able people, who had no real life experience of disability, charging on there, spreading their “pearls of wisdom” on what people should be doing.

Jeez, all hell would break loose.😳

There was an ethos on there of “you gotta be it to see it”.

That site has long gone, but I think the ethos stands firm - that you can only speak from what you have experienced and understand.🙂

I’ve read this thread with interest. DH and I have been writing our wills so this is something relevant to us.
We have been estranged by both our daughters. I know some children have to distance themselves from parents for their own protection but some don’t.
The young seem to “go no contact” on the slightest pretext.
We spent years “walking on eggshells” but it didn’t matter.
We want to leave our estate, such as it is, to our younger daughter’s children. We’ve been warned that as we are in Scotland this could be contested so I’ve had to give my reasons in a letter so a judge can decide if either contest the will.
It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
From my letter, I don’t do this to punish them but to accept their decisions that we are no longer their family.
My elders daughter’s children don’t know of our existence, the younger one allows us to send gifts.
I love my daughters dearly but I have to accept their loss and move on.
I know no one believes we are not monsters, narcissistic or abusers. So I've been too ashamed to admit I’ve been estranged for years.
I think it will be good for me to admit this estrangement and stop hoping every day that they will change their minds and contact us. My family is “dead and gone” and acceptance is a necessary part of grieving.

DiamondLily I was born disabled and a hole in my heart. I am a lot of threads but only talk about things I have personally experienced first hand. I would never dream of commenting on something I no knowledge of.

My hereditary neurological condition was only diagnosed in 2022. And only because my new neurologist had my whole genome genetically tested and it's rare. So my children grew up with a disabled mom . But they never went without love and attention and when I got worse my husband just said we alter our way to suit what you can do and he kept his word until the day he died. He died in agony even on full oxygen I had to tell him to stop fighting and we would be ok. I lay be his side and the children where with us he died within a few minutes aged 47.

Do you know what my daughter in law wrote on Reddit about my husband's death. FIL died to get away from MIL.

She had been slagging me off for over a year and trolled me on a different forum thread on GN . She put a link she wrote as a nan who's grandson said it sounded like my daughter in law. At the time I was very ill and pressed the link. The worst thing was other people's comments but I don't think they would have thought much about her if she said her mother in law was disabled.

She never knew my husband and my love for her died .

When my son sent the email May 2020 4 days after he had been with me on my birthday ending our relationship he knew I was waiting for a bubble echocardiogram as they found a problem with my heart. In the email he said give him some months. So I did . I waited until August when it was his and second sons birthday plus I knew my third grandson with them would have been born as he was due in July. I sent cards and presents and a cheque and letter in his birthday card . Not mentioning his email but a friendly letter and said they found a whole in my heart. The day after their birthdays everything came back all unopened and the babies presents crushed and a letter saying he did not want my vindictive and manipulative behaviour anywhere near him or his family ever again . Zero contact.

I have never been vindictive or manipulative ever in my life . I looked after my mother in law for 40 years and I hated her. But she was family you don't turn your back on family . She denied she ever had a son or 2 grandchildren. She outlived my husband by 11 years . Her own brother and sister in law didn't turn up until she was dead .

VioletSky you always put the boot in and enjoy kicking us estranged parents along with your followers . You are always right and we did something wrong to deserve being treated like crap. But you have no idea how it feels but you pass judgement on us as if you have a right. Funny how you hardly ever mention your children or husband.

Hopefully someone will read this before you get it deleted.

Mogsmaw never be ashamed of being estranged. Your children made their choice you didn't have any say . They are the ones who should be ashamed but children who estrange us never are . They live in their own perfect world thinking they are perfect parents no such thing . I would never dream of telling my parents what they did wrong bringing my brother and me up . As it would have been cruel and anyway we loved our parents very much . One day in the future our grandchildren will tell their parents all the things they did wrong. I know a lot of things my son and daughter in law did wrong I saw and heard and my son told me things . But I never said a thing as it would have hurt him . But I know my grandsons are their world and know they are loved and given plenty of attention. Family means different things to different people. Children who do the estranging mean just them and their children.

Whiff
Thank you

To be fair I have also said I did not want a letter. In my case it would not have helped.
I would also say that VS should take a step back, she clearly has a issue with estrangement, her own, but people are hurting all round and I feel because of her experience what she posts is not helpful.

Unfortunately VS seems to think she is an expert on estrangement, being "kind', and "healthy ways forward" whatever that is. I feel for all parents who have been estranged by their children, and all children who have been estranged by their parents. My husband's father was estranged from us by his second stepmother who had "issues". We did our best to maintain a relationship but boy was it hard work!!!

There was a point where my eldest child had caused so much pain I thought if my husband died first (most unlikely given our health issues) I'd disinherit him, but I've grown up (even as an old person) and discarded that idea. The point is inheritance is a gift not an obligation. Any estranged child who thought they were "entitled" to receive a legacy from a parent is a self-obsessed entitled brat who deserves nothing. Hwe many "gifts" did said child send to their estranged parent....... the reciprical number denotes their entitlement to benefit from any will.

You have nothing to be ashamed of Mogsmaw. It's not an easy thing to talk about and is made all the harder when you do, and there are attempts to assign the worse of motivations for the decisions you have to make because what someone else has done.

It was exactly the same when there was a discussion about leaving memory boxes to GC we're also estranged from. Disagree by all means, but do so politely and acknowledge that you can't possibly understand what those who've been estranged are going through, rather than coming across as a mind reader who knows more about the EP's true motivation, than the EP whose posting.

Being kind begins with how one responds to others Rosie and as for healthy ways forward, they will be different for different people. I see nothing kind or healthy in some of the responses on this thread, quite the opposite.

I agree Smileless there is no one size fits all. My FIL was a weak man and the kindest, healthiest way to respond to that situation was to do lots of tongue biting on those occasions we were "permitted" to see him. We'd not have wanted him to suffer afterwards if we'd ever responded in kind to my step MIL. Some would think us equally weak but it took a lot of strength to ignore the barbs and accusations, we did it and accepted the very limited contact out of love for my FIL
Some of the responses to you have been downright cruel.

It can take more strength to bite your tongue Rosie and to have done so out of love for your f.i.l., to spare him the backlash when you'd left is commendable.

The cruel responses say more about those make them then I think they realise.

Smileless2012

Whose wanting to have the last word and holding on "to all those big feelings till the final moment of life"? Whose seeking revenge?

I know the best revenge is happiness because against all the odds we are happy. You seem to want to think that all EP's live out their lives in perpetual misery and sadness. We don't. You can see from the support thread that lives have been rebuilt and that peace and happiness has been found.

I see no nastiness toward you VS just honest responses to what you post.

Yes, it is odd that some children who have estranged seem to be under some sort of false impression that their estranged parents are sitting weeping daily!

My step kids hurt and upset my DH, and infuriated me in the process. But, we had a lovely life - full of love and laughter. We didn’t give them that much headspace.

Yes, my DH did get the “last word” in, by cutting them out of his Will. Good for him.👍

So, now they’ve cut me off - I don’t know if they thought it would hurt me after losing DH, but, if they did, they’re on a hiding to nothing. I see them out of my life as a bonus lol

I think some of the internet adds to the fray, to be honest. 40 years ago, you either found a way to jog along with “awkward” relatives, or, as a very last resort, cut off contact. That was it. You then got on with life.

Now, some younger people seem to get more involved with the growing (and lucrative) industry of various forms of psychobabble and victimhood.

Not healthy really. The quickest way to heal from anything is by being happy with your life.🙂.

Maybe their parents sitting weeping daily is what some EAC want to think of their EP's doing DL.

The resemblance is uncanny.

The resemblance to what is uncanny User?

User138562

The resemblance is uncanny.

Pardon?

Resemblance to what or whom?

If you think I’m double posting, then please feel free to check out my history with Gransnet…

Jeez lol 🙄

User138562

The resemblance is uncanny.

I've been worrying about this post.
Are they saying the resemblance to something said or someone on here is similar to an experience in RL?
In other words do they think they know a poster?
I'm sure it isnt aimed at me, but I find it an uncomfortable thought that someone is being targeted.
I do hope not.

User138562

The resemblance is uncanny.

Can you clarify this please

I mean that the behavior of estranged parents in this forum resembles the behavior of the mother I estranged.

I don't know why anyone would assume some nefarious meaning but there you have it.