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Estrangement
Another perspective on estrangement
(181 Posts)As we all know, there are many different scenarios that lead to estrangement in families and every one is unique. There are posts from estranged parents here about EAC who cut them off with little information or warning, parents who have been estranged over something seemingly trivial, and posts from EAC who have understandably decided to protect themselves and their families from future harm after years of abuse.
Sometimes EAC are described as having "thrown their parents away" or being cruel and disinterested. I am not doubting that is the case for some, and impossibly painful to cope with. I just wanted to give the perspective of a EAC who was very reluctant to estrange. For some EAC, they have tried to reach out to their parents numerous times, and would have loved for their parents to enter into a discussion about the situation so it could be resolved, only to be met with denial, refusal to listen, insults and complete lack of self reflection. For some EAC this can keep going round in circles for years because they really believe, or perhaps just hope, that something will shift one day and the situation can be resolved. They write letters, emails, have phone calls trying to explain the issue, only to be told at a later date that their parents have got no idea what the issue is.
They too see the adverts on TV of the perfect families at Christmas, or have an idea in their head about how things should be, and feel sad that they don't have that. But eventually, accept that the situation isn't healthy for anyone involved and it would be less toxic to cut ties and end the cycle.
I'm not quite sure what my message is. Perhaps just to remind everyone that every single situation is completely unique, and that an outsider can never fully understand the ins and outs. That EAC sometimes do give the reasons for estrangement and yet their parents claim not to know it, and some EPs do genuinely not know the reason, and that both of those situations are infuriating and heartbreaking. That some EAC may have been influenced by a third party, but also that some EPs do put the blame on a third party because it's easier than accepting dysfunction in their own family. But someone else having the opposite experience to yours does not invalidate your experience, and there is room for empathy for people on all sides.
I cannot understand the reasoning behind the "troll" posts but if they are intended to change people's ways of thinking, unfortunately they only serve to separate EAC from EPs who might otherwise benefit from hearing each others points if view.
Let's not make assumptions either way about people we know so little about.
Luminance, I think I’m quite good at respecting boundaries, but my husband says sometimes I come across as not being interested, can’t win
That's rather difficult. It can be hard to express a positivity you yourself do not feel. We must walk in their shoes sometimes and be happy for them even when we are sad for ourselves. At times it makes the sadness easier to carry.
Sara1954
Allsorts, until I stumbled across all of you, I thought I was the only one, yes people fell out with their families, but no one I have ever known has simply walked away from it all.
It’s been good to know other people have acted in the same way, that I’m not the bitch from hell, just someone who has had enough.
After a nightmare 18 years, I estranged my two adult step-kids, my now adult step grandchildren, and my only brother.
That was nearly two years ago.
I’ve never looked back, and I couldn’t care less about any of them.👍
Sometimes, it’s fine to walk away, if all else has failed. 🙂.
DiamondLily, good for you, I agree, I feel totally liberated, it hasn’t been without fallout, but never in a million years would I go back
Sara despite having taken the decision to walk away from your mum, for a long time you made it possible for her to be a GM to your children; not many EGP's are given that opportunity.
It was only when you had serious concerns about her relationship with them and their well being that you put a stop to it. That was a failing in her part just as losing you was one too.
Of course it's to walk away, if all else failed DL. It's when nothing was ever tried, when no opportunity to resolve any issues was ever given that estrangement's so difficult to come to terms with and accept.
fine to walk away.
Smileless2012
^fine to walk away^.
Well, any long term posters on here will know how long I tried not to estrange - for over 18 long years. .🤷♀️
But, when DH died, I was so angry at the pain they’d caused him and me, I told them what I thought, and walked away. No regrets.
Selfish individuals.
They truly were the EACs from hell. 🤬
You had the patience of saint DL and I know you tried your best with them for your DH's sake.
They truly were the EAC's from hell, I have to agree with you there.
DiamondLily, I think when the time is right, you know it.
I wouldn’t have done it while my dad was alive, we had our ups and downs, but I loved him, lm not sure he would have approved, but I hope he may have understood
Burrish
Excuse my stupidity but what does EAC EP stand for
You’re not stupid, Burrish! I have been on here for months and months and was just about to ask myself!
No question is stupid but often the replies can be a bit impatient! Wouldn’t it be good if we all had Mensa brains?
Hope you and yours have a great Christmas
🎄
Luminance
Does anyone else find boundaries in families a rather interesting topic? Many do not entirely understand what they are. Recently I was able to save a friend of mine regarding boundaries. Her son and daughter in law informed her they wanted Christmas morning this year for themselves. She was about to respond with how sad and disappointed she was that they wouldn't spend it with her as in previous years. I explained that this is what they would like to do and expressing your sadness and disappointment will be received as a guilt trip. They have set a boundary with you and you should not cross a boundary by making them feel dreadful. Instead you should set a boundary for yourself for your own feelings and wish them well of their morning then ask when they are free to celebrate with you. Sadness and disappointment can be aired to safe ears instead. We spend a great deal of times with our lives entwined with those of our children. When our children become adults we must all be responsible for implementing boundaries in the interest of healthy relationships.
I don’t think anyone personally struggling with close estrangement views it an “interesting topic” - there is or has been too much pain. 🙄
I’m not sure of your actual personal experiences around estrangement, and it’s curious that you see it as an interesting topic. 🤔
If your friend took your advice, then good for her.🤷♀️
The rest of us, with longer term experience of it, just bat on with doing what we do, getting on with life, and don’t particularly need advice - just mutual support.🙂
I think boundaries are interesting because like everyone else I have many relationships to navigate and they are not always easy. My family has been touched by estrangement as have many and I am always keen to support and understand. Contrary to your comment, I do meet those keen for advice as well as support as with my dear friend who has, for want of a better phrase, gotten over herself.
Well, that’s good. If people want advice and you’re happy to give it, that’s great.👍
I don’t tend to offer too much advice about things like boundaries, to long term estranged, because every estrangement is very different, only they know the full story, and I wouldn’t have appreciated anyone giving me unasked for advice.
But, if your friend wanted advice, then that’s worked out well
Each to their own way of dealing with it.. 🙂
I have personal and very painful experience with estrangement and I also find it interesting. My interest is why I engage in forums like this. I have an educational background in psychology and my profession is very focused on human behavior. It isn't weird to find something both interesting and painful.
I don't believe I have offered any unwanted advice here or anywhere else. Tend to take the lead from the person I am responding too in every instance.
I also find it interesting, I am interested in why arguably, the strongest bond possible, that between mother and child, never existed for me.
I don’t think about it in a maudlin, self pitiful kind of way, I just am interested to know what went wrong, or if we were always destined to dislike one another.
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Sara, it's sad when you havent that close bond with your mother, she's probably asking herself what she did wrong but like you, doesn't have answers. The thing is you are happy with your life, a lot can't say that. I wish my daughter and I could have sorted things out before she estranged me I just didn't see the see the signs and now it's too late, but life goes on and I've had to accept it but you can't help thinking why?
Gilway, not everything is the mothers fault.
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What an unpleasant retort Gilway but only to be expected. Have you devine insight into every estrangement to hand out judgements. Are you completely without a teeny fault?
Allsorts, I’m pretty sure my mother isn’t wondering where she went wrong, I suspect she’s wondering how she managed to give birth to such an ungrateful, cold hearted, mean child.
You on the other hand, sound genuinely perplexed, no of course it isn’t always the parents fault, sometimes it’s not actually anyone’s fault, you just don’t like one another.
I did try for many years, I always assumed everything was my fault, and it was my place to put things right, but I don’t feel that anymore, and I wish I had never bothered.
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