Thanks Gilway, I’ll look it up
By special request, let’s discuss our favourite Classic Music and why?
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Estrangement
Another perspective on estrangement
(181 Posts)As we all know, there are many different scenarios that lead to estrangement in families and every one is unique. There are posts from estranged parents here about EAC who cut them off with little information or warning, parents who have been estranged over something seemingly trivial, and posts from EAC who have understandably decided to protect themselves and their families from future harm after years of abuse.
Sometimes EAC are described as having "thrown their parents away" or being cruel and disinterested. I am not doubting that is the case for some, and impossibly painful to cope with. I just wanted to give the perspective of a EAC who was very reluctant to estrange. For some EAC, they have tried to reach out to their parents numerous times, and would have loved for their parents to enter into a discussion about the situation so it could be resolved, only to be met with denial, refusal to listen, insults and complete lack of self reflection. For some EAC this can keep going round in circles for years because they really believe, or perhaps just hope, that something will shift one day and the situation can be resolved. They write letters, emails, have phone calls trying to explain the issue, only to be told at a later date that their parents have got no idea what the issue is.
They too see the adverts on TV of the perfect families at Christmas, or have an idea in their head about how things should be, and feel sad that they don't have that. But eventually, accept that the situation isn't healthy for anyone involved and it would be less toxic to cut ties and end the cycle.
I'm not quite sure what my message is. Perhaps just to remind everyone that every single situation is completely unique, and that an outsider can never fully understand the ins and outs. That EAC sometimes do give the reasons for estrangement and yet their parents claim not to know it, and some EPs do genuinely not know the reason, and that both of those situations are infuriating and heartbreaking. That some EAC may have been influenced by a third party, but also that some EPs do put the blame on a third party because it's easier than accepting dysfunction in their own family. But someone else having the opposite experience to yours does not invalidate your experience, and there is room for empathy for people on all sides.
I cannot understand the reasoning behind the "troll" posts but if they are intended to change people's ways of thinking, unfortunately they only serve to separate EAC from EPs who might otherwise benefit from hearing each others points if view.
Let's not make assumptions either way about people we know so little about.
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Gilway do not make it out to the parents fault. We never failed our children and after my husband died I never failed them or who they love . I loved my in laws like my own children . But my daughter in law killed that love by writing FIL died to get away from MIL. She never knew my husband as he died a year before she meet my son.
My husband died aged 47 in agony from cancer struggling to breath on full oxygen the last thing he wanted to was die and leave me.
But she didn't write it until after my son estranged me via email and follow up letter.
Do not blame all parents as many of us never saw what was going to happen happened. My children where brought up surrounded with love and attention and still had that love into adulthood. I still love my son and my 3 grandson's. But no idea who my son is now . But I am not the same mom he knew 4 years ago .
But those that estrange for valued reasons it must have been hard for you. But I will never know the reason why my son estranged me but it's his choice . And I live with that . If he hoped to destroy me he failed.
My husband dieing hurts far more than what my son has done and my grief for him gets worse as the years go by . But I cope the best way I can.
Luckily have a loving daughter,son in law and 2 grandson's. Who I see regularly. So I can't be a bad mom .
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Gilaway before your posts are removed, maybe you could ponder on the fact that some cruel , entitled adult children just dump their parents because they can't be bothered , my children were brought up the same, one is a normal loving , caring person, the other selfish, a control freak and self entitled, but I still love them and would have them back in my life in a flash along with their traits.
It is not always the parents fault, dwell on your on faults sometimes and maybe if EAC do this movement forward could be achieved.
There really is no need to have a go at other posters Gilway and pass judgement on those you don't know.
I can assure you that Whiff has no problem whatsoever, with empathy and understanding other peoples feelings/motivations. If you were more familiar with this forum you'd know that is not the case.
Estrangement isn't always the fault of the parents and if you had the empathy and understanding you seem to think Whiff is lacking, you would know this.
We know that being estranged brings our parenting into question just as being an EAC can result in them being judged, but it's wrong in both cases and I take no pleasure is seeing an EAC posting here being unfairly judged and criticised, then I do if an EP is facing similar treatment.
Isn't this time of the year hard enough without trying to make others feel even worse? For the EAC who have no happy memories of the family Christmases they should have had and for the EP's who only have their memories of how things used to be and in all likelihood will never be again.
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I don't know what you're trying to achieve Gilway but if you think you can hurt any EP on this site you are seriously mistaken. But thank you for your contributions because what you are doing is highlighting the empathy and emotional intelligence exhibited here by the EP's who are posting, which often appears to be lacking in some of the EAC.
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Gilaway, you are entitled to an opinion , but your aim is not to discuss and help and show support but to abuse, hurt and upset.
I'm sure your prescence would be better served on another forum.
GiIway
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Thanks for sharing this link, GiIway! I've wanted to read this book for ages.
Your personal experience is simply that Gilway your personal experience just as our personal experiences are ours.
It's much more helpful and productive to post about what you know and what you have experienced without assuming that every EP is a bad parent because yours was.
Bridie22
Gilaway before your posts are removed, maybe you could ponder on the fact that some cruel , entitled adult children just dump their parents because they can't be bothered , my children were brought up the same, one is a normal loving , caring person, the other selfish, a control freak and self entitled, but I still love them and would have them back in my life in a flash along with their traits.
It is not always the parents fault, dwell on your on faults sometimes and maybe if EAC do this movement forward could be achieved.
Yes. You are spot on Bridie22. As I know, from long and bitter experience. Thankfully, not from either of my birth children.
I don’t know why some ACs feel they are perfection personified, and then just blame their own parents for any misfortunes in life. If they are as perfect as they think, it raises the questions as to why record numbers of young children nowadays are suffering from mental health issues. 🤔
It’s a bit of a cop out from them really.
It shows a lack of maturity really, from those ACs, as it does with those that continue to disrupt this thread for the sake of it. 🤷♀️
Perhaps some of them do need to grow up a bit, and accept that, in some cases - not all - the blame is not with their parents, but with their own dissatisfaction with their lives.
However, I see yet another “new” poster has been removed, so on we press. 🙄
it raises the question as to why record numbers of young children nowadays are suffering from mental health issues I'm sure it will be their GP's fault DL.
Smileless2012
^it raises the question as to why record numbers of young children nowadays are suffering from mental health issues^ I'm sure it will be their GP's fault DL.
Oh, yes, I hadn’t thought of that. But, then, if their GPs are removed, who can be blamed next? 🤔
As the people who know their own children, did they believe they were "perfection personified"? Was that people's experience of knowing them through childhood into adulthood? Or are we speaking of others here reading in all innocence?
Luminance, are you asking if the EP or EAC are perfection personified?
I don't understand your post Luminance 
Me neither Smileless!
I believe the comment is just 3 before my reply and easily found. So many rather flamboyant sweeping generalisations about estranged children on a discussion started by one such. I have to question the authenticity of the previously stated ideal that situations are treated individually in this space. Perhaps doing away with those would go a long way towards a more supportive space.
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