Support and friendship for those whose lives have been affected by estrangement.

Whiff I am envious, been trapped in for days, snow on top of frozen ice makes side roads so dangerous, I had a doctors appointment and to get one is nothing short of a miracle here but just couldn't get there. Just have to wait it out. I would like to have seen that programme but I never put on TV in the day. However well done both groups.
Glad everyone is ok despite the weather, this is the worst I have known it for years.
Smileless, I just think that serenity poem is so true, give me the grace to accept that we cannot change, we can fight against it, try everything but in the end it takes two.

Debbie sorry missed the page where you says you had your purse stolen. Hopefully you don't have to pay or get the money back if they have been used from you bank and credit card companies. My mom had her purse stolen years ago . Mind you they would have been disappointed as it only had her house keys in but nothing with her address. As she was with my dad he had the money in his wallet . But dad had the locks changed on the house to be on the safe side.

My nan got tricked by 2 woman saying they where from the council decades ago and while one talked to my nan the other asked to use the loo and stolen nans purse which had her pension money in . Nan was unset about the money but more so as I had saved my pocket money yo buy her the purse. The family replaced the money for nan and my dad reported them to the police and the local post office nan got her pension and they put a notice in the window warning people not to let strangers into their homes.

Allsorts my dad made Christmas puddings and his own mincemeat. Mom made the Christmas cake but dad decorated it . We always had dad's sausage rolls made with rough puff pastry and mince pies for breakfast Christmas morning . No idea why . Once married we always had croissants for breakfast. After he died my son only came for Christmas 2004 after that he can for 3 days over new year . My daughter came on 23rd and home on 27th and we had croissants for breakfast . Only had one Christmas day on my own but I had been prepared for being on my own after my husband died . I didn't expect the children to come . My daughter and son in law had the keys to their first house 6 weeks before Christmas and busy decorating. Had text over the Christmas/ new year to say just painted your room green . So usually my daughter fetched me the 23rd and my son usually brought me home on 27th.

The year I had Christmas on my own my brother invited me to their's but said no . He was with his second wife who I tolerated but I couldn't have stood being with a houseful. So had a lovely time on my own .

Christmas for me is just like another day for me only difference is the presents . But it's not been the same since my husband died. He loved Christmas he was a big kid . Just had a thought probably have already said that in another post . Oh well that's me I repeat myself in real life . 🤣.

Debbie sorry about your friend's son 27 far to young to died. On the bereavement forum on several of the threads their are parents who had children die young some through illness ,accident or by their own hand . The worst grief of all. My mom was fond of saying no parent should outlive their child . Unfortunately it happens far to often .

Before I moved it never bothered me not seeing my grandsons the ones that had been born often. I was busy looking after others . I am lucky I see 2 of my grandsons . In away I do missed my other 3 but it doesn't hurt as the oldest where 4&2 and don't know their brother. I am a stranger to me and doubt they remember me or even know I exist . I rarely talk about them only to friends I see if they ask ..Since my son sent the emails and the returned cards , presents and final letter . Have never talked to my daughter about them . She just gets cross. When the boys want to know about family I never mention I have a son or their mom has a brother . They think I only have her. When they ask about the photos of my other 2 grandsons I have pictures up and if they ask their names I tell them and they ask if I play with them I say no and they don't ask anymore questions. It's up to my daughter and son in law when the boys are a lot older if they want them to know they have 3 other cousins and another aunt and uncle. I will never say anything.

They do love hearing stories about mom and dad especially my dad's war time but dad only talked about funny things . I spilt dad's photos from his time in the army between me and my brother but gave mine to my grandsons last year as the eldest asked about places he went .

When they came the weekend we sorted out the 3 toys boxes and now down to just the largest one as they have put grown most of the toys . So plenty to take to my favourite charity shop . They took all the books home including my husband's Supercar ,Captain Scarlet and Stingray annuals and a copy of Treasure Island which must have been his sister's . She died when she was 12 and my husband 5. Lots of very colourful illustrations..

Smiles glad you got your Disney decorations. I brought new ones for my tree including 3 gothic ones. My daughter's reaction was you are weird . They have historical figures on their tree made from felt and embroidery. Henry VII and 6 wives , Sherlock Holmes, Shakespeare and other ones. Along with usual things including some I made .

Hilltop sorry this has happened but hopefully now you can have some peace . I decided in 2023 to give up hope and have felt better for it . Past is gone live for the now and future . I can never forgive or forget what my son and daughter in law have said. I still haven't forgiven my brother for something that happened over 30 years ago caused by his second wife lying and I had 3 witnesses to what I said . He didn't speak or see us for 2 years can't remember how it was resolved probably my husband sorted them out. But know I understand how hurt my parents where but didn't at the time.

At cuppa and chat yesterday because I am open about my son the woman seating next to me told me about her sister . Had a vile text from her so she replied asking what she was on about . Had silence back. Her sister has a downs son who her grandchildren love spending time with . So she did ask if she could have him on a date her sister said no as it wasn't convenient. So she sent a list of dates and her sister picked one for this year but can only have him for 2.5 hours. The lady I sat by sees her grandchildren once a month as they live distance away . And they miss him . My youngest uncle had Downs but we saw all the family both sides every Saturday after we moved out of the area where we lived when I was 6. Before I went to school we saw our grandparents most days and mom took us to help our great aunt do the washing from when we where babies. on a Monday our great uncle died at 46 leaving our great aunt with 9 children. Remember they had big drain and we played boats in it .

We'll have to end . Move it or lose it this morning and snow is still frozen so slow walk to get to it .. Taken 2 hours to write this. A member of the slow types club 🤣 One day I will catch up 🤷🤔

Fingers crossed for you Whiff that your club gets the Kings award.

Sooooo cold outside, slowly getting the Xmas deco down, all outside done, aside from the outside lights, which my son will have to do. Had my GDs staying Sun-Mon, so couldn't do anything before today.

Forgot to say; met my sister in Bluewater shopping centre last Friday, got there and back without a problem and had a lovely 3course meal, lots to chat about.

Another very cold day here. We did brave the elements and went into our local town for a change of scenery and to go to the bank; no banking on line for us.

Had to change our lunch venue as the coffee machine had broken down and I didn't want to risk their instant coffee, and can only drink tea with skimmed milk, so went to a Costa.

Not some where we usually go but we did enjoy it but my cappuccino was so big I could have bathed in it so didn't manage to drink it all.

How frustrating for you Allsorts not being able to make your doctor's appointment; have you been able to reschedule?

The Serenity prayer is my favourite Allsorts; appropriate for so many of the dilemmas life throws at us.

Just waiting for our evening meal to be ready. Cottage pie made from the cold beef left over from Sunday's roast. One of Mr. S.'s favourites .

Hope everyone is ok in this snow in. I have major problems with new neighbours not yet moved in. He is a bully and giving me enormous problems. Cannot go into details but I cannot live next door to him. Where to go that's the problem.
I am praying the snow goes soon as being trapped in here on my own makes everything worse. His workmen treat my place as if it were his. Sorry for the moan won’t do it again.
One thing with this weather and in 24/7 the place has never been so clean in years, realise lots needs replacing, but what i have I an calking shabby chic as its back in fashion, had a clear out of clothes as well that do not suit me anymore although new or newish. Although I am a bit overweight my shape has changed without me noticing, If i did lose a stone I would be slim again but my bust wouldn't reduce so i might topple over.
Exciting day today I am taking all light fittings down for a clean, it might save on the electric bill.

Sorry to hear about your neighbour. Hopefully when the building works stop it will be easier, and as you say when the weather improves, you should be able to get out and away from it fir a bit.
My Mum had a similar problem, and she decided to move house because of it. But by the time the move came through the neighbour was up for sale too, so she could have stayed put!
Like you, I am finding it a good opportunity to clean and sort out and am also looking to do some alterations to the clothes that don't fit me, so that they do! All to pass the time before we have better weather.
I heard that Brooklyn Beckham is still in touch with his Grandparents. He must be a caring man. Made me wonder if my GD's (from my estD) might think about me if and when they hear this.

Morning all

I sympathise Allsorts neighbours are so important. Have you tried talking to him and his workers? If not, you need to. As I've already said, the noise upstairs is unbearable, think the Xmas hols made it bad with them and myself at home, normally they are out a great deal of the time, and I am out 3 nights per week and then it's my GC making noise on Fridays when they come for dinner & the evening.

I did complain once about the C jumping game, jumping off the settee over & over, the noise was unbearable, went right through my bones and the room shock, so I had to say something. Now it's like the smaller ones are thumping their feet on the floor, over & over, don't know if it's because I complained, but the mum was very good about it and has stopped their jumping game. They are a nice family, so I don't want to keep complaining and I understand it's not possible to keep little ones quiet. Now we are all back to work/school I hope it will be less.

Morning everyone.

I'm sorry that you're having neighbour problems Allsorts, hopefully things will improve when they get moved in because as Yogin says, good neighbours are important. Bad ones can really impact on the quality of everyday life.

I have the same issue with my bust, if I lose weight there's little or no reduction but I've yet to topple over .

The start of a new year and weather that keeps us indoors more are good motivations to get sorted Debbie.

It must be awkward for Brooklyn's GP's having contact with him when he's treating his parents so badly. I'm not sure how I would feel about seeing my GS knowing that he refuses any contact with my son or daughter.

It does I suppose give them the opportunity to be 'the voice of reason' and may enable them to see ways of resolving their problems but then again, maybe there's a concern that they'll be estranged if they do say anything so stay silent.

It does sound as if there isn't sufficient noise insulation between you and the flat above Yogin so it's good that your neighbour has made an effort to keep the children's noise down.

Spent a lot of time yesterday with admin., getting rid of paperwork we no longer need and working out a budget for the coming year. Still no luck with our retail unit so as well as not getting any rent, we're now faced with paying rates; fingers crossed that we get a tenant at some point this year.

Went to a new tapas restaurant on Saturday. Great food and cocktails apart from a steak dish we ordered. Mr. S. likes his steak medium rare but this was barely blue . Neither of us could eat it and as there was no clue on the menu that it would be virtually raw, I asked the waitress to take it away said we didn't want to have to pay for it.

She was excellent, explained that that's how it's served but if we want to order it in the future we can specify how well we want it cooked. She came back a few minutes later and said it would be deducted from our bill.

We thanked the manager as we left for the great food and service and have another lovely restaurant to enjoy.

Hi Whiff, thank you, l appreciated your hello. I always thought I would reconcile with my ES as we very very occasionally exchanged fairly reasonable emails, though no way would he communicate any other way. But after the last one l realise it's all over now. It was meant to upset me --and it did. We got on very well until his second marriage. Time to change my Will (again).

Hilltop, you do what you think is best. I think the cards will eventually stop in due course. It's a very bitter pill to swallow knowing they just don't care, we don't exist anymore and it's their choice, it took many years for me to realise. Like bereavement you get used to living round the space in our hearts.
I would not want my parents to estrange from their loved grandson because I am, at least I would know they are ok. When you' are kept away from gc for years parents have to justify their actions and we are not going to be shown in a good light.
I am sorry about your neighbours noise Yoga but as the children get older it will lesson and you get on in other ways. My neighbour is a bully, he won't ever change. I want to leave but cannot find anywhere.
Whiff, your little ones will get bigger than you soon, they grow sonfast, I still have books and toys and a new big doll etc although why I do is crazy, The bedroom I did for her, only used once, I leave the same, in fact I repainted it all last year.
Smileless I can't eat any meat with a trace of blood in it and finding myself eating more veggie now. OI hope you get your retail unit rented out soon.

Sending that email was cruel and cowardly Hilltop and although we never stop loving them, there does and I think has to come a time to accept that the relationship is over .

I'm the same Allsorts which is why I had to ask the waitress to take it away. It looked revolting.

Morning all

Said to rain all day, so should have dropped everything and taken Joey walkies, will do soon.

Mr.S steak reminds me of when my H&I were first in Africa, in a really posh restaurant where they cook the food at your table. My H ordered 'steak tartare'; the chef came to our table with all the ingredients, in went an egg, mixed into a patty, then served raw! . We looked at each other, I told my H to ask for it to be cooked, but he wouldn't and ended up eating most of my chicken dinner I'll never forget that, so funny.

Sorry to read that Hilltop

Thank you Allsorts easier said than done to move, when I win the lotto I'll be off like a shot. Sad to read about your GD bedroom you made all nice for her, heartbreaking! I dreamt about my estD last night, not a nice dream, she was calling out from below a bridge I was standing on, then her H picked her up and dragged her into the river, she went under but then resurfaced and was ok, woke up then .

I don't eat any read meat, so not good for me when buying my son's steaks all bloody, my sister & her H like rare steaks, yuk!
I eat chicken now, since my son moved back and fish.

Mr. S. likes his steak medium rare Yogin and that's bad enough.

I would hate to think I have forgotten you all but had lot to deal with this year . Still no better but no worse than when I came out if hospital in January last year . But had more information about health issues. Seeing GP end of the month then my neurologist in March . Hopefully my neurologist can help. On list for speech therapy.

But you know me I don't let things stop me . Just so annoyed after 5 years my limbs where under control no jerking . Thankfully it's just my arms effected. After my last fall in the autumn decide to get a cleaner gone with a company that way someone will always come . She starts next week.

Any way I still read and new people are getting the support they need from you wonderful friends.
💞

Last night I slept well, rare for me but I had a dream, my son and daughter used to get in bed with me every Saturday morning and we would have marmite on toast, change from Monday to Friday when I worked. It was as if it were yesterday. We were laughing about something, usually what my son had said or done.. That was before I met my second husband so a long time ago but it was just us, so they are always there.,

I am sorry to hear of your struggles Whiff, but you sound such a positive lady. Good luck with the GP and the neurologist in March. I hope they find something to help you. And yes, definitely get a cleaner. I’m all for making life easier by paying someone if I can afford it. Why struggle with cleaning when you have other struggles.
Allsorts, It’s interesting that you dream about your children when they were younger and remember it as a happy memory. I am glad that it gives you pleasure and yes, whatever happened to us, our children are still always there. But in my case, sadly, my dreams are nightmares about my estD. Maybe I am still being tormented by it all as estrangement is more recent for me. I hope that I will have nice dreams about her one day, or none at all!
I have been struggling with it all again. First it was Christmas and now because it’s my birthday next week. Stupidly I live in hope that she will turn up with a card and some flowers and an apology. I know I am only kidding myself though.
Last week, I wrote her a letter which I might leave with my will - I wont post it to her.. I have torn up a few versions already! It helps me to get my feelings out by writing them down, but I also wonder if it’s just tormenting me more.
My health is suffering. I took anti depressants which I had a reaction to so have stopped. I have become an insomniac through the anxiety of it all and am now addicted to ‘Sleep Aid’. I can’t sleep without it. And when I do sleep and I wake in the morning, or in the middle of the night, I have a surge of what feels like adrenaline which is like a sinking feeling in my tummy and almost hurts. That sets the tone for the day ahead!

Sorry to be so negative, but I dont really have anyone other than you ladies who really understand what it’s like. So I hope you dont mind me offloading. My mantra is that ‘it’s better out than in’!

Debbie you are not being negative. You are saying how you feel. It saddens me that you needed anti depressants which glad found didn't suit you . Please be very taking Sleep aid . It could damage your health.

It's a sad fact what our estranged children drive some people to.

You are not to blame your daughter made her choice . I know it's hard to accept but for your mental and physical health you have to let go of hope .

It's easy for our children to throw us away and blame us for everything . I could have done that with my in laws . We had verbal abuse everytime we where with them before we married . But my husband love his parents. If they kicked off after we married we walked out but where back the next Sunday .

After my husband died his mother denied she had a son or 2 grandchildren. She outlived my husband by 11 years . I hated that woman for 40 years but I was brought up with a strong sense of family . So I looked after her visited her every week ,protected her from treatments she didn't want and even spend the last 2 days of her life for 15 hours each day by her bed . Only just got home on the second day when they phoned to say she had died. I was down as het next if kin emergency contact. Her brother showed up once she was dead.

I could have estranged her but she was still my mother in law,nan to our kids and my husband's mom .

I couldn't abandon her anymore than I would have done to my own parents . We all have a moral code we live by .

I know my son must have had that email ready to send last time I saw him . I also know he didn't write it on his own my daughter in law had a hand in it. The spelling was correct , paragraph and punctuation. My son wouldn't have known what punctuation was if it bite him on the arse.

But the letter was him . His hand writing ,spelling mistakes and no punctuation.

As soon as I put my house on the market March 2018 my daughter in law started a hate compaign against me on Reddit. Long story how I found out .

Both children had wanted to live closer to them for years . But couldn't move until I had no one dependant on me anymore. Mom died in 2017.

Our children and some cases grandchildren as well make their choices . They don't suffer but dwell in the fact they know that we will.

I gave up hope after 3 years wish I had done it sooner . I am at the stage that I don't want to see my son . He is a stranger but I am not the mom he knew so a stranger to him . I will always love him but the 32 year old son I knew not the one that will be 39 this year .

He will never know when I die as there in no need for him to know .

Estrangement is hard but acceptable is harder. But with acceptable you can be happy as holding on to something you can't have is futile .

My husband dieing hurts me everyday and my grief for him worse. But because of his love I face each day and live my life to the full.

I will not let my son and daughter in law stop me living my life for me . In a way that is my revenge. I don't hate them . Had enough of that for 40 years . Don't wish them any harm . But hope karma bites them on the butt when my 3 grandson's are older and have partners . Who will see especially what a piece of work my daughter in law is.

I know if the trolls read this then they will attack me . But I don't engage I just report them .

Please, if you have a letter with your Will to explain why you have left your EC very little or nothing in your Will, how much detail have you put as to why you are estranged?
Do l remember Whiff saying she had written a few pages ?

Hilltop. I have written so many versions of a letter. At the moment I have not changed my will and she still gets the same as her sister. But if I don't hear from her in the next year, I may change my will. The letter I am writing explains the hurt she has caused as I think she has no idea of how much pain she has caused. But I have also added nice words about my happy memories of our lives before. The bit I can't decide on is whether to end the letter being kind and keep her in my will and end it on a loving tone, or be more punishing. That seems cruel and I will not steep to her level. I think I will sit on it for a while (and hope nothing happens to me!).

Whiff, what a lovely loyal daughter in law you were in looking after your MIL to the end. My Mum and I had our disputes, as she did with my siblings, but we were all there for her after Dad died and to the end (which was many years of care needed). Despite everything she had said or done to us, we respected her as our Mum and could never have done anything as cruel as estranging her. Though we might have had a couple of weeks of not speaking 😂 This makes it so much harder to understand what I have done to my estD to make her do this to me.

Hilltop good memory . I cut my son out of my will in September 2020. Had to get a letter from my GP stating my neurological condition wasn't a mental illness and I was of sound mind .. Cost me £40.

My solicitor wanted me to write a letter explaining why I changed my will and left everything to my daughter. But in the event she died before me her sons would inherit my estate.

My husband and I believed children inherited from parents not grandparents. Left nothing to my 3 other grandsons but I don't even know the name or exact date of birth of their youngest son

My solicitor wanted me to write about our life with the children my husband's cancer , his death what we did as a family afterwards . My life once the children left home ,looking after my parents and mother in law. My health and my life . Like I said I had no life after my husband died I existed. My relationship with my daughter in law who I treated as my own as her parents left the country taking her siblings with them .

My relationship once I moved here and my life and health . My replies to my son's lies and assumptions.
A weekend I never want to relive . I wrote 13 pages of A4 paper . Had a copy of my son's email in hard copy and his letter. My solicitor cried when she read my letter.

It will never see the light of day unless my son contest my will. As anyone can contest anyone's will up to 2 years after they die. Then it will be read out in court plus,his email and letter.

At the same time I took out both powers of attorney my daughter and son in law are my attorneys. But it was cheaper to do it all together.

My will stands and won't change .

When my son was a child and he was naughty then there where consequences. This is the consequences of his estrangement.
He wasn't rewarded for bad behaviour as a child it's no different now and an adult.

It wasn't an easy decision to make but glad I did it .

Going through a solicitor was expense but it makes it water tight . But my son will never know when I die as it will never be posted anywhere. And none of the family would tell him as he cut all our side of the family out of their life .

Once I make a decision I stick to it . It's how my life has always worked . I plan ahead and live by routine. It's how my life has worked since I was at junior school. It's how I worked out how to cope with my disability.