Support and friendship for those whose lives have been affected by estrangement.

DebbieJP, I think it's wonderful that you are thinking of writing a letter to your daughter - as you say, at least you then know that you have tried, whatever happens. I chose never to give up hope, after 4 years of estrangement, and if I hadn't done exactly what you are planning, I wouldn't have just put a toddler grandson down for a sleep, be going to collect a granddaughter from school at 3 and another from nursery at 4.30.
I totally understand those who have decided to move on without their EAC but, for me, that wasn't an option I was prepared to accept and I am so, so glad I wrote.
You are coming at it with exactly the right approach - the advice in that article sound perfect, & I wish you huge amounts of luck. Even if it gives you partial reconciliation again, for me, that would have been better than none, and was something I would have been prepared to accept. Happily though, it made a huge difference and now, 2 years on, we are a huge part of all of their lives .

DebbieJP, i really hope your letter leads to some response, like you i find it hard to resign myself to estrangement, it is a constant tug at my mind.
I did manage contact with my EC, but it was so emotional i just couldnt find the words i needed, but i will keep hoping. Good Luck

Thankyou all for your responses. I have decided that I'll post the letter and I'll let you know if I get a response.

Good luck Debbie xx

DebbieJP I really hope your letter brings a positive response, and if not you can take comfort in the fact that at least you tried. I too tried to reach out every few months but then our EC said they didn’t want any contact from us. We are respectful people and so went along with their wishes….but it makes it really hard after a lengthy period of time, knowing if we should try again. Our EC went through a troubled patch but has managed to now build a good settled life for themselves. We are so relieved and happy about this, even though we’re not a part of it. I really don’t want to do anything to throw them off course, which is why I’m not sure we can/should reach out again. No easy answer for us I’m afraid.

Debbie I hope you get the result you want . But hope you have prepared yourself if it back fires.

There have been past posters who have reconciled with their estranged child but they had to walk on egg shells to do it and protect themselves. Can't remember who it was but something to do with a rope . Never understood what it had to with it . Been a couple of years since she posted .

We are all different and what we want out of life . Estrangement wasn't our choice but we can choose if we want to try and reconnect. I choose not too after I tried in 2023 and had an abusive text . So I decided to give up hope and live my own life . I never denign I have a son and 3 grandson's. Unlike my mother in law who denign she ever had a son after he died or had 2 grandchildren who always bothered with her . And refused to go too their weddings .

We all have to decide how much we will tolerate from our children. As I have gotten older and health problems has eroded any tolerance for bad behaviour. So I am not bothered if I ever see ot hear from my son ever again . Sounds harsh but I have my limits and reached the end .

Good luck Debbie. 13plus years NC is the norm on here. I've read all the books, but most are not written by estranged ones, so no first-hand understanding.

Good to hear the nightmares have stopped Whiff. I agree with all your points on your above posts. Bringing your C up and letting them spread their wings and fly the nest, doesn't mean never seeing them again. I have a wonderful relationship with my AD&S, as it should be.

Stillawipp your post made me feel angry. 6yrs of my trying to reconcile, police sent to my home with me having to sign a document of harassment, death threats to me & my little dog, the courts denying me visitation rights to my beloved GC. My first GD lived with me [& her mum, my D] we had a very special bond. When her stepdad started the campaign to cut me out, due to jealousy, I was highly suicidal. So, for you to imply I was happy to walk away, with you doing the right thing, couldn't be further from the truth.

I’m sorry you’re angry - where did I imply you did that, rather than just offer an alternative scenario to those saying not to write?

Morning everyone.

So pleased that the nightmares have stopped Whiff and you're getting a peaceful night's sleep.

For me it's age and experience that has tarnished my tolerance for bad behaviour and it was the message from my cousin just before Christmas, giving me at his request contact details for my brother, that brought home to me just how much my tolerance has diminished.

Relationships are a two way street, whether or not they're personal and IMO there needs to be something positive, something to be gained from all concerned for that relationship to not only be viable, but worth having.

Looking back at the build up to my brother's estrangement of me, I could see that to resume contact would be a world of pain all over again which is why I didn't contact him and is why we don't want contact with our ES.

You said Whiff that your post sounds harsh; I disagree. No doubt to some my post sounds selfish but it's no more selfish than the act of estrangement was in our case.

We often see/hear how EAC do what they do to protect their mental health which I'm sure some do and if this is acceptable, it should also be acceptable for any EP to protect their mental health by not attempting to initiate reconciliation, or refusing to engage with an EAC who decides this is what they want to do.

Because of what we went through, because what our son did almost broke us, moving on without him isn't and never was a choice, it was and remains a necessity. So much so that we have never tried to reconnect with him.

The complete opposite to you, my dear friend Yogin which we often say don't we because after 6 years of trying to reconcile, and trying to see the GD you'd had such a special bond with because she and your D lived with you for the first years of her life, you remain estranged .

We always keep everything crossed for anyone reaching out to their EAC, and wait with bated breath to know if they get a reply and if it's the reply they hope for.

Some need to know that at least they tried. I've never had that need.

Nobody here said that Debbie shouldn't write stillawipp.

Yup, OK - I'll leave it there I think. We all take different things from posts, depending on our own particular circumstances. Very best wishes to all, whatever their situation

We all take different things from posts ... yes we do stillawipp but saying you are offering an alternative scenario to those saying not to write isn't taking something different from posts, it's saying something that isn't true.

After nearly seven years of not seeing or speaking to my son, but exchanging a very very occasional email, l have just, at last, given up any hope of reconciliation. If it was only him l think we could have managed to do it. But l have realised his wife is never going to allow it. I am not going to email again because although they gave me hope,sometimes they cause me so much distress .
I have found that written words are so very easily misunderstood and misinterpreted, with whatever good intentions they were written.
Debbie, l do hope it works for you and reconciliation happens.

No one could have tried harder than you Yogin, I tried everything too for years only to be rebuffed. For self preservation and the relationships with your family that you are very much part of, there just comes a time to give them what they want and you cannot change.

Stillawipp Yogin went through hell and back with her daughter . I am angry on her behalf. We didn't choose our children to estrange us it was their choice . But it is our choice to say enough is enough.

Like I said I hate articles written by so called experts who haven't been through estrangement. Glad you have reconciliation but do not criticise those of us who have decided we are better off without our estranged children.

What Yogin went through was awful I well remember when I joined this thread all her heart break but she still had time to help me like all who have and still do . I got off lightly the way my son did it .

Not everyone posts what they have been through past and present posters here but I have had PM's no doubt like Smiles ,Yogin and other long timers on here from those who feel they can't say openly what they have gone through. Some have reconciliation only to after a few years to be estranged again and it's worse the second time round.

Because of this thread and the help it gives estrangement is no longer a taboo subject. But of course to outsiders who have never been through it it's always the parents who get the blame . When it's our children who decide . I freely talk about what my son and daughter in law have done . But I have people tell me about children or other family members who have done it to them . And the hurt and not knowing why .

I live in a road of 40 bungalows one of my neighbours has been estranged from his son over 10 years and he never found out why . He is now 98 . He will die never knowing . Luckily he has a daughter and her family who loves and cares about him .

I have no idea what the rate of estrangement but that's 2 in 40 just in my road .

My brother has finally accepted he with never hear from my son his nephew or great nephews again . Took him longer to accept it than me.

Hilltop you have to protect yourself and it is a hard decision to make . I hope you can feel happier making yours. I know for me I did the right thing .

The longevity of this support thread shows it's needed as much today than when it was in its early years . Plus the numbers of people it helps . Some don't post but do read it . But it is always here for those who need it .

I’ll just pop back in here quickly to make clear that I was commenting purely on my own situation and DebbieJp’s, no-one else’s up thread.
I have no idea about others’ situations & family history so would never judge anyone else who I knew nothing about, & as I said in my comment, I totally understand those who have had to move on.
I’m sorry if some took my response to the OP as criticism of their own situation - it was not directed at anyone but the OP asking advice in her particular circumstances .
I’ll now leave you to continue your thread and, again, my best wishes to all, whatever their situation.

Thank you Smiles Whiff & Allsorts xx Hilltopxx

Stillawipp I will make it clear to you I did not choose to stay estranged but to accept it, for my own sanity & life on this earth.

Hilltop . If it had just been our son there may have been a chance to reconcile at the time but then again, if it had been just our son, it would never have happened in the first place.

You're right that the written word can easily be misunderstood and misinterpreted and when the reader has their own agenda, it becomes a certainty.

I once saw an EP refer to the 'hope devil' and I think that hope can sometimes be as difficult to live with as no hope at all, especially if that hope comes with strings attached and/or distress.

For us, the need for our wounds to heal and to find peace and happiness again eventually superseded any desire to reconcile.

Yogin .

Smiles well said. Had a strange thought have there been any estranged parents of gay children both male and female . Or is it just heterosexual children that estrange their parents? 🤔🤔🤔🤔

Some good points made here - I agree Smileless that the EC’s mental health is talked of when going NC, but the mental health of parents is often overlooked or ignored. For some after what they have gone through with their AC, estrangement offers the chance to heal. Also, has occurred to me the onus is usually on the parents to reach out. Yet we weren’t the ones who walked away. And our AC are not children but adults. If they want to reconcile they know where we are.
I get so weary of it all sometimes. Maybe this is the next stage of estrangement for me…..to now just focus on the life we have. I’m tired of imagining it all might one day be resolved when the high probability is that it won’t. Tough to write but true. As you say Allsorts, there comes a ‘time to give them what they want and you cannot change’.

I've not come across and EP whose EAC is gay Whiff but that's not to say it's never the case. Some of the random thoughts we have are strange, aren't they .

If they want to reconcile they know where we are yes they do Spring and yet as you say, the onus does often seem to be on the parents who have been estranged to reach out, with often little or no thought to the cost to their mental health if they try and fail.

I get so weary of it all sometimes we all do Spring and for me that was a significant factor when I decided that reconciliation was something I could no longer hope and pray for and dream of.

Allsorts is right, there does come a time to give them what they want and you cannot change which begs the question why sometimes EP's are criticised and their love for their EAC is questioned, if they've taken the decision not to reach out or to never reach out again.

Yet again 'doomed if you do and doomed if you don't' springs to mind.

and xxx for you all.

Smiles xxx

Whiff very good point, haven't heard of estrangement with gay couples.

Spring spot on with your last post.

Well, I had a lovely birthday yesterday, lunch with friends.
In the evening, I opened a good bottle of Champagne that a friend bought me for my birthday last year and drank it from a beautiful hand-painted glass, again bought for me for my special birthday last year, ate some chocolates too . I binged watched Clive Myers South African trip, enjoyed it so much, having lived there for 6yrs, bought back lovely memories.

My DD bought me theatre tickets for Madam Butterfly, which I'm really looking forward to seeing. We are all going out on Saturday to celebrate my birthday, then I have 2 more to celebrate with friends that are away this week. So, lots of nice things to look forward to .