Son has signed out

TopNan1 please ignore Hithere . To her all estranged parents are the cause of the problem. When in fact it's our adult children and in some cases adult grandchildren who decided we are disposable.

Your son made his choice . Please do not blame yourself . It has taken you a lot of courage to post about your son . Took me months of PM's to Smiless2012 before I could post on the support thread and haven't shut up since.
Don't try and contact your son he will only hurt you more . I know it's hard not to . But you have other children who love and care about you . So you are not the person your son is trying to make out . He has made his choice and now needs to live with it .

My son made his choice in 2020 . What hurt me most realising my son is a cruel coward. He did it by email and follow up letter. But he hasn't just cut me out of their life but all our side of the family. I had a kind loving son for 32 years he is now a stranger . I don't know him but I am not the same mom he knew . I decided in 2023 to give up hope of seeing or speaking him ever again and been happier. Still love him and my 3 grandson's but don't like the person who wrote the email or letter. I will never forgive or forget what he and my daughter in law put me through . And even if he got in touch which I know he won't I would never trust him.

The support thread is there if you feel more comfortable there . Posters from that thread have posted here. They have been a lifeline for me ..

I understand. I have two separate families because my children don't get on with each other and I am stuck in the middle.

I felt a failure as a parent but have now come to accept the situation as it is.

Starting to see your children as independent and responsible adults is really the successful end of parenting and also releases you from what you thought was a life time of responsibility. You have done what you did to the best of your ability with what you were given. Congratulate yourself and recognise the freedom this now gives you.

My advice is to wait for him to contact you. Stop it with the messages as they are clearly having no impact.

It is hard but with some acceptance and realisation you will move forward with your own life, which you are entitled to have after all those years of parenting.

Projecting one's own anger and bitterness helps no one, including the one who is projecting.

You've had some kind and thoughtful responses TopNan which I hope have helped .

No-one's going to ask for details about what the son accused her of? Or ask about the single incident that is acknowledged by both parties? Or mention the immaturity of the response to it?

Oooookk

I am not HiThere

The only immature responses I have seen are ones made in response to the OP.

As he has recently reached out to talk to you it's possible that he is in the process of being ready to move on and nigin contact again so I wouldn't send an email saying you are willing to give him space at this point. He's had space since January and has recently got in contact so I would try to build on that - not pushing but keeping the door open. Instead I would text/email/WhatsApp and tell him that you acknowledge and accept you were wrong in the one area you mentioned here but also explain to him why you were defensive and what you were going through at the time. He may already know this but an acceptance of this error on your part with an explanation might make him feel 'heard'. We all make mistakes so try not to beat yourself up about any you've made. I'm sure he's made plenty of mistakes himself ...but don't bring his mistakes up. Just the one area where you can see you were at fault. Please don't mention the ocean and the puddle thing. Although it's a good analogy in certain circumstances it's one best kept to yourself as it would only open up a can of worms about who is most to blame. It is lovely that you have 2 other supportive children and hopefully you can ride this out as a family so long as mo one openly accused your other son of breaking up the family.
It's hard to keep hurt thoughts which would be counterproductive to yourself when you feel you are dealing with unjustified accusations. That is why Gransnet is (or should be) a safe place to get your thoughts out in the open and hear the thoughts and advice of others.
I cannot understand why anyone would come on a site like this only to h'have a go' at someone so obviously suffering. I hope things turn out ok for you. I feel that it is a hopeful sign that your son has recently been in contact. 💐

ByeHere

No-one's going to ask for details about what the son accused her of? Or ask about the single incident that is acknowledged by both parties? Or mention the immaturity of the response to it?

Oooookk

I wouldn't dream of asking for details, as all it would invite is criticism of the OP, disguised as analysis of something nobody else has been privy to. Life is far more nuanced than can be expressed on a discussion board.

Also, details of an incident can be outing, and as we know, posts on here can be picked up by the media, which would be less than helpful. These are people's lives, not a soap opera.

Hithere

Your son gave you a gift - his side of the story and what you could do to improve the situation

However, his reasons are not good enough for you (as if you are the judge of that) and "he broke the family" - read with sarcasm

What an extremely unpleasant post.

Unfortunately BrightandBreezy EP's on this forum are often a target for some who are usually estranged from their own parents or in laws.

My heart breaks for you. Try to build bridges despite the fact you are not to blame. I was in a similar situation when my son was terminally ill. His wife’s attitude to me was not good, and son refused to speak to me! Sadly he died shortly afterwards but he did send me a sweet email the day before he died. I was not in the wrong but I have so many regrets! Be brave and good luck.

So sorry Fartooold, it's very courageous of you to share this with us here; thank you .

I believe Hithere is in the USA and relatively young and not a grandparent . Not that any of these things should prevent her from posting. I am sure she will put me straight if I am wrong. I hope that nobody gets to upset by her replies.I agree with Bluebell's post?

So, so sorry. It must be so painful. As another poster commented, it seems not to be unusual now. I do wonder if sometimes therapy might be somehow implicated? Its all too easy to blame parents!

Smileless2012

The only immature responses I have seen are ones made in response to the OP.

Quoting OP

"I can only own one of his accusations but my attitude at that time was defensive"

Keep denying reality. It seems to be the only way you're able to live with yourself.

Doodledog

ByeHere

No-one's going to ask for details about what the son accused her of? Or ask about the single incident that is acknowledged by both parties? Or mention the immaturity of the response to it?

Oooookk

I wouldn't dream of asking for details, as all it would invite is criticism of the OP, disguised as analysis of something nobody else has been privy to. Life is far more nuanced than can be expressed on a discussion board.

Also, details of an incident can be outing, and as we know, posts on here can be picked up by the media, which would be less than helpful. These are people's lives, not a soap opera.

If the goal is to simply sleep better at night, than sure, no details are required.

But if one truly wants to mend a broken relationship, than details are absolutely paramount.

Unless you know the OP ByeHere you're in no position to know, let alone judge her reality.

I suspect you're an EAC and are simply projecting here.

Hi TopNan1 - I'm so sorry to hear that you are in this situation, & let us hope that it is only temporary. You have had some helpful responses & some not so helpful ones, but try to see the latter as more relevant to the posters own situation than yours, if you can.
At the same time tho, you must be desperate to do something, & you have been given an 'opening' by your son, the one accusation that you say you can own, so if it was me I would work with that one. I would write a letter or email genuinely apologising for that - as you say, "own it" though, don't try & justify it or belittle any reaction he had to it. Maybe that olive branch will be taken up & he will then apologise for other accusations which weren't true, who knows? But it's a starting point. None of us parents are perfect - I'm certainly not, & no argument is ever a 100% one way fault, & maybe just volunteering your own small part in it may help...
Just two small observations from me - any mention of "why should I?" , and calling yourself as "Top Nan" may not be perceived by others as a conciliatory mindset, so maybe try to make sure you keep an open mind if you do manage to start a conversation with him. Good luck!

Absolutely agree with the Poster who said write or email. That worked for me with a beloved Aunt. Phoning didn't work. She just ranted on and on. I took her 'easiest' point of conflict and wrote an explanation. Gradual, gentle process, but it worked.
Uncle was in tears when we eventually visited. He had been convinced he would never see us again.
Good luck, hope it all works out for you.

ByeHere

Doodledog

ByeHere

No-one's going to ask for details about what the son accused her of? Or ask about the single incident that is acknowledged by both parties? Or mention the immaturity of the response to it?

Oooookk

I wouldn't dream of asking for details, as all it would invite is criticism of the OP, disguised as analysis of something nobody else has been privy to. Life is far more nuanced than can be expressed on a discussion board.

Also, details of an incident can be outing, and as we know, posts on here can be picked up by the media, which would be less than helpful. These are people's lives, not a soap opera.

If the goal is to simply sleep better at night, than sure, no details are required.

But if one truly wants to mend a broken relationship, than details are absolutely paramount.

Not for strangers on the Internet to judge by they aren't. I very much doubt that the OP is sleeping well at night, either.

In many ways the cause of the problem are incidental - the fact is that there has been a separation, and the OP has accepted some of the blame for that. The details are between the people concerned, and for them to sort out, but that can only be done if there is a dialogue.

If we all decided that the OP is to blame, or that the son is being unfair, nothing will be altered, so there is no point in rehashing it on here, other than to give people an opportunity to be unkind to one side or the other. The question is how to get mother and son to a point where they can discuss the reason for his cutting her off. Only then can progress be made.

I didn't say she is sleeping well, I said sleep better. As in, find support, even if they are wrong.

Details will show if OP is to blame or if the son is unfair.

If OP is to blame, than she should work on herself to fix the relationship.

If the son is being unfair, than OP needs to accept that reality and just hope he comes around one day.

They're already at a point where they can discuss the reasons for the estrangement. Unfortunately, she's unable to see his perspective. And what little perspective she is able was received immaturely.

TopNan, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It can help to set clear boundaries (e.g., “I will respond only when communication is respectful”), disengage from abuse or ignoring, and acknowledge calm responses when they occur. Limit checking messages, protect your emotional health, and seek support if needed. Remember, the abuse is never your fault, and responding selectively helps break the cycle.

Two sides to every story, we read your story so we cannot make a balanced opinion.

Totally uncalled for!

Did you have any little thing that was a bond between you?

Something low key and simple. A walk is good or the car can be helpful for potentially tricky conversations?