Forums for estranged adult children

Smileless2012

I wouldn't be surprised eddie if in response to your post, we see the 'children don't ask to be born' argument.

They don't of course but when their parents have done what you say perhaps rather than thinking in terms of what parents are owed, we should consider what they deserve.

Smileless perhaps it's down to semantics. My parents weren't perfect but I owe them a great deal - and consequently they deserved to be treated well by me as they aged

These flaws were exacerbated to unsustainable levels when he chose to run for POTUS. He literally brings out the worst in his supporters, wholly emboldening their ignorant views and narcissistic traits.

No decent, emotionally mature person is capable of supporting trump to this day still. Which makes the decision to estrange such people only easier.

It would seem that he brings out the worst in some of the children of his supporters too and for me, a decent emotionally mature person whose parents love, cared for and supported them should be able to look beyond their political allegiance.

No one's perfect eddie and some EAC would do well to remember that.

We’re Not Perfect, and Neither Are They

I agree with the parent who said "There are no perfect parents, nor perfect children. If an adult child deliberately becomes estranged from one or both parents and/or siblings, then I think it is incumbent on the adult child (...) to explain why, rather than adding more pain to the situation by remaining silent".

When the child you once had a close and loving relationship with estranges you without explanation, it's reasonable and understandable that that parent says We're Not Perfect, and Neither Are They because without an explanation that for some, is the only conclusion they can come too.

I think there isn't much point in getting caught up too much in that. I think "Trump supporter" has become used as an umbrella description for a set of behaviours. Sometimes it fits and sometimes it doesn't. If a person is struggling with a relationship though, that set of behaviours might be very telling. I would in no way want a close relationship with someone outwardly bigoted. I could tolerate them and be polite and try to keep conversation away from that but there would be no respect.

I agree that "Trump supporter" has become used as an umbrella description for a set of behaviours" which now also appears to include a reason for estrangement.

Yes, I think we would need to look deeper than that to find the real reasons. I will see if I can find one saying that.

Think of the cases of 'coercive control'.
One of the ploys is to estrange the victim from, mostly, her family.
That subsequent estrangement cannot be blamed on the parents.

I can understand how helpful it can be to be able to discuss problems you have, whether it's family, parents or anyone else.
However some sites can make things worse by encouraging people to dwell on past hurts. This doesn't help them to deal with problems and move on with their lives.
I think I have mentioned before that my daughter was telling all sorts of lies at school about what a bad mother I was. I only found out by chance and don't know the full extent of her lies.
I don't know how it all started but, knowing her, it was probably some trivial thing which she related and enjoyed the sympathy and attention she got, and decided to make things up. She is no longer part of my life, which I think is more her loss than mine.

mum2three

I can understand how helpful it can be to be able to discuss problems you have, whether it's family, parents or anyone else.
However some sites can make things worse by encouraging people to dwell on past hurts. This doesn't help them to deal with problems and move on with their lives.
I think I have mentioned before that my daughter was telling all sorts of lies at school about what a bad mother I was. I only found out by chance and don't know the full extent of her lies.
I don't know how it all started but, knowing her, it was probably some trivial thing which she related and enjoyed the sympathy and attention she got, and decided to make things up. She is no longer part of my life, which I think is more her loss than mine.

We got a similar shock when we discovered some of our daughter's posts about us on social media, in particular, the Reddit estranged children's forums. Everything she said was wildly exaggerated, unfair, untrue or all of the above. In other circumstances it might have been almost funny, because what child doesn't complain about their parents and teachers? - it's part of growing up. However, she was egged on by other forum members with comments like "your mother's a bitch", "tell her to f**k off", "you didn't ask to be born, you don't owe her anything" (where have I heard that before?) and the outcome was, she took that advice, estranged herself, and that's the last we heard from her, apart from a single email asking for her passport. That was six years ago.
So these EAK forums aren't just kids harmlessly letting off steam online, they can have really damaging effects in the real world.

DogWhisperer, your adult child is capable of making her own decisions, and she decided her life is better off without you; regardless if her stories felt wildly exaggerated, unfair, untrue or all of the above to you.

Has her life become worse since she decided to estrange? Considering she hasn't changed her mind in years, I would assume not.

If these estranged children really are happier without their parents why do they persist in verbally abusing them?

Good point eddiecat78.They haven't 'moved on'.

I don't see where DogWhisperer's estranged daughter persisted in verbally abusing her, but even if she were, it's because having parents worth estranging is a type of pain and grief that will never fully go away. Especially when the norm is to be born to parents not worth estranging.

Maremia

Good point eddiecat78.They haven't 'moved on'.

How is it a good point? Wouldn't the estranged child reverse course and come back into contact if they weren't actually happier with their decision?

'Why do they persist?' asks eddie. If they had 'moved on' there would be no need.
Good enough point for me.

And what about 'coercive control' estrangement?
The abuser is to blame, not the parents. And so, it is not always the parents who are at fault.

IssendaiAcolyte, you post quite a lot so does this apply to you? Are you one of those children who has been unable to move on? Would you be willing to share your estrangement story with us?

Maremia

And what about 'coercive control' estrangement?
The abuser is to blame, not the parents. And so, it is not always the parents who are at fault.

You're not making any sense. Eddie didn't mention moving on, she asked if they were happier. You can be happier/better off without having moved on.

And if someone was actually estranged due to coercive control, I doubt they are persistently verbally abusing their estranged parents.

DogWhisperer

*IssendaiAcolyte*, you post quite a lot so does this apply to you? Are you one of those children who has been unable to move on? Would you be willing to share your estrangement story with us?

I don't care to share my story.

Simple question. Is it your opinion that it's always the parents to blame?

I will say that my estranged parents believe my version of events are also wildly exaggerated, unfair, untrue or all of the above; while to me they are just simply reality. And that that mismatch is the main reason estrangement is the correct choice for me.

If they were able to agree with my reality than there would at least be a possibility for reconciliation, but alas, preserving their egos is more important to them (whether its done consciously or subconsciously I'm not entirely sure).

Maremia

Simple question. Is it your opinion that it's always the parents to blame?

Can't say always but it's probably more often than not since parents hold a disproportionate amount of power for the majority of the relationship with their child.

IssendaiAcolyte

DogWhisperer

IssendaiAcolyte, you post quite a lot so does this apply to you? Are you one of those children who has been unable to move on? Would you be willing to share your estrangement story with us?

I don't care to share my story.

You have been very generous with your advice on other people's stories, you have let us know where we are going wrong, and we are very grateful to you for that, so we would like to reciprocate that generosity. If you could tell us yours and your parents' versions of the story, maybe we could help you to see where you are going wrong? Maybe even vote on which story is most plausible?