I need your prayers!!!

Difficult day today and no one wants to ''talk about this stuff''

But my DD turned up at contact under the influence ( again ) but this time was the worst ever as she kept going to the toilet with her handbag which was suspicious and her behaviour got steadily worse to the point of asking if we could just ''take my GS''

Obviously I told her not to even talk like that and that she needs to discuss with the SW what the next steps are

She opened up to the contact worker with some very sensitive information about herself etc and was speaking loudly and not making real sense or being appropriate with what she was discussing etc

By this point I could smell alcohol on her breath as she had been out of the room 3 times and once out of the centre

I just carried on interacting with my GS and ignored them when they were discussing the sensitive / inappropriate stuff and she left a little early and the contact centre worker ( who is actually the manager ) followed her

I said goodbye to my Grandson and said to the other worker we are meant to be going together to my other Grandchilds Birthday party but I will NOT be getting in her car and that I don't have her registration number on me if I need to report her to the police if she drink drives , so I went to see if she was still there and I faced a barrage of abuse as soon as I got there ( in front of the contact manager ) so I just said we would discuss this another time as now was not the right time and that I do not want her driving her car , she said she had phoned someone to pick her up and I asked the manager to make sure she did not drive

I also told her if she was drinking it would be better for her not to come to contact

She is really mucking things up for herself now re contact visits etc as I NEED a secure , safe , happy place for my GS hence not telling her where I live and we need to be on point when it comes to contact arrangements but if she carries on like this there will be NO contact for her as they will not allow it!!! Or at least reduce it to a bare minimum and definitely away from anyones home at least!!

Apart from that I went to my GD's Birthday party , got 2 trains and 1 bus there and had a lovely time!

To be honest I am ready just to roll up my sleeves and get on with looking after my GS xx

Oh dear nannynoo what a nightmare for you and your DGS. I hope the contact workers will be given some guidance about what to do if your DD turns up drunk again. It really can't be good for her contact to go ahead under these circumstances. I do hope this won't go on too much longer for you

Hey Nannynoo - a couple of things struck me reading through your latest troubles with DD - is she (in some weird subconscious way) trying to prove to the authorities that YOU are the right person to look after her son? I know it sounds daft, but alcoholics do have a slightly different way of looking at things - let me try and explain: by her behaving so badly at contact and you reacting in such a good and positive way toward both your GS and your DD - it could be that she was trying (in her own way) to show the authorities that you can be trusted and that she can't? What was your GS's reaction to all that was going on? My guess is he was looking to you for reassurance and guidance? If so, this would have been noted by the staff - don't forget. I feel all will be well time.

I think it was a stressful visit for everyone , my GS thankfully is old enough to pull away and do his own thing but it is difficult to watch

I had a nice time with him though and someone needs to be in control

Not sure about the subconsious thing but she does want me to have him but I reckon she feels she will then get more 'priviledges' with him and longer contact visits / outdoor visits etc away from the contact centre but that is not going to happen if she is drinking

She told me halfway through the visit that she is 'struggling' and that some of the other people in her outpatient rehab are relapsing and she gets caught up with it and relapses too but that is putting the onus on others

I think she thinks she will get more freedom with him if he is at mine but actually the opposite would be true as contact would be court ordered and would have to be strictly adhered to at all times and she would have to go to court herself if she wants it changed or more / different contact etc

She is not aware at this rate it will definitely be going to court and she thinks it will be just an 'arrangement' between social services , herself and I but it is more serious / long term than that

She is unaware at present that it is guardianship social services and I are going for , not kinship care and when she is in a better place we need to have a discussion and put everything in place re preparing her for it

That might be a difficult meeting!!! But so be it , none of this is exactly easy!! I am getting used to dealing with difficult situations though as much as I don't LIKE it and would prefer it not to be this way , this is reality right now! x

I feel so sorry for your daughter. What happened? How did she get like this? Can no one help her? It must be hell for you, seeing her like that.

Surely your DD can't be unaware of what's being planned for her son?
The arrangements can't possibly be going on behind her back, she's his mother, after all.

It doesn't sound as though she's mentally incapacitated, just struggling with her alcohol dependency.

Exactly!!! passing all responsibility on to the one person she can trust- that's you Nannynoo) also the one person she wants to prove to that she is not incapable of making good decisions for her child! The alcoholic mind reverts to childhood - she/he becomes dependent again and looks back to the person who first provided security and stability and wants the same for her baby. Nannynoo - just keep going as you are - your instincts are good and will hold for both of them both.

I feel SO sorry for her too

She is my DD and I love her after all , but often faced with a choice and DGS has to come FIRST

It was the bereavements which triggered her alcohol dependancy and she can't seem to find her way back right now even with bereavement counselling , but her counseller did leave so they need to find her a new one , she gets general counselling at her outpatient rehab but is really struggling still

The SW has not told her as yet about court as they are trying to avoid court if possible and give her the best chance possible but with TIME being an element now it is not looking hopeful for her at present

She is really struggling though and refuses inpatient rehab due to the other patients and stressful enviroment with arguments and disputes etc often occuring between them

I don't know what the solution is

Thing is with the passing responsibility to me because she trusts me with him , a lot of the abuse today was resentment about how I raised her , she called me a ''disgusting Mum'' in front of the centre manager and said I put her through hell which I disputed but could not have a proper discussion about things while she was drunk , she blames me for a particular relationship choice about 17 years ago with a man she hated , he wasn't violent etc but was not a HAPPY man so his misery did spread to my children in that enviroment and am glad that relationship came to an end after about a year

I think if you truly learn from your mistakes there is hope , but I can't turn the clock back , it was unfortunately a lesson learned WHILE I had kids and they experienced the journey with me , saying that it has no implications on my ability to care for my GS as am not in that place any more x

There is nothing wrong with being fine with being alone and thoroughly enjoying your freedom but also not entertaining the idea of the 'wrong sort of man' and avoiding that 'type'

I can't help feeling angry at my DD too though , to turn up at contact already drinking and then carry on drinking in the toilet etc it was not a good visit for her son!!!

He should not have to be put through that , seeing Mummy drunk and the behaviour which goes with it , he is 7 with special needs , he needs stability , he needs to be around sober and peaceful adults , he does not respond well to chaos or disorder , he needs a Mum who is well or turn up sober at least in the meantime and it would be better for HIM if she did not turn up if she has been or is still in the throes of a drinking binge

Then there is the danger she is putting the PUBLIC in while driving under the influence , it is the addiction I know , but why should the innocent suffer too???

It is not fair and surely there have to be boundaries in place and safeguarding which is what this is all about in the first place!

The law protects the public and children from damage and even minor damage to my GS on one of these visits even with other people in the room is still too much damage as I do not want him to be damaged at ALL!!

Yes it is heartbreaking seeing my DD in that state but she is breaking her SONS heart too!

My opinion[and I could be wrong] is this.
She is ill.
I dont have experience of alchoholism, but she is unwell. Very unwell.

God forgives us for all sorts of things.
I suspect that a lot of what she does comes from her illness, and thus is utterly forgiveable.

She needs our prayers badly. As do you all.

Trouble is, her illness has repercussions on her son, and the only person who can cure her is herself - with help from others, yes, but she does need to co-operate in her treatment. If in-patient care is the best way forward, then that is the way to go. Even Jesus said sin no more, not "I forgive you, now carry on as you were before".

She called her mother a "disgusting mum" for her choice of partner in the past, but she too is being a disgusting mum if she is constantly incapable of looking after her child properly. Forgiveness is a two-way street. If she is to get forgiveness - (and I think her mother forgives her - she just can't have her continuing to behave like that) she has to give it too. Then she will be able to see her own path forward and work on her addiction.

Nannynoo You do have a lot to deal with, keep strong. (((hugs)))
Your daughter does seem to be digging a deeper and deeper hole for herself right now.

I think you can only concentrate on supporting the Grandson through this or you will tear yourself in two.

I hope the contact supervisor is going to think about reporting your daughter's drink driving. The supervisor should certainly give her a warning. How much longer is this supervised contact trial going on for?

As you have said you are going to have be supportive towards your Daughter's predicament but very firm about not getting drawn in by her. She has to sort that out for herself now.

Ana I suspect the daughter is aware of what is being planned but she is most probably in denial and never quite believes it might really happen.

She has to try and get out of it, yes.
But addictions grip you.

Elegran Addictions, and emotional turmoil, are not sins.

Not taking the route which is most likely to rid her of the addiction and turmoil is not exactly a sin, but if she will not help herself, then no-one else can help her. Her drinking is endangering her son. She blames it on her mother's past decision and cannot forgive her. Until she can get past that and take responsibility, and get help to change her behaviour she will not make any progress. As Nelliemoser says, she will have to sort that out herself.

I do agree she is ill and alcoholism has a grip on her which is horrible to watch ( for me and her son and the rest of the family ) I do want her well and pray for this as this is a serious illness which can and does KILL and I don't want to lose my DD or the worry of losing her

It is hard to seperate the two but I have to for my GS's sake , he has the right idea , when she gets too much for him he literally pushes her away and carries on doing his own thing , his way of dealing with it and being able to function

It is not that he is rejecting HER because he loves his Mummy , it is just the behaviour which goes with it he doesn't like , even at his age , so I am taking a leaf out of a 7 year olds book and there are times I HAVE to keep her at arms length and carry on doing my own thing as that is vital for my wellbeing too

Am not ignoring the problem , am dealing with it and all the difficult emotions around it but her illness can make those around her ill too and I have to safeguard my GS and myself to be honest as he doesn't need constantly ''upset Nanny'' looking after him he needs calm and consistent Nanny which is why the contact visits ie where they will be held and under what supervision etc is important to sort out

It is about loving someone and wanting the best for them but protecting yourself and a vunerable child too , she does not rememember many of her words and behaviours when drunk but I do and her son does and there are scenarios where we had to live with it but to be honest I don't want to live with it myself or have my GS live with it and have to tolerate it , if there is a rule , not sober , no visit I would prefer that and am sure SS would prefer that too

There is a line I cannot let her cross and that is actually for her own good too even though it may not seem like it

It is hard but I want to be part of enabling her recovery ie she has to do it herself , rather than enable her addiction and dropping those boundaries which must be in place for my sake , my GS's sake and ultimately her sake x

I had a dream I was getting on with the foster carer

She had mentioned briefly about someone in her family with alcoholism , something to do with her niece so we do have something in common we can both actually relate to and it could help our relationship xx

You are so right about looking after yourself too in all of this. It is vital.

Do you have plenty of support from people around you?

I went to the inlaws house yesterday for my Granddaughters Birthday party and they are aware of the situation and were very supportive and good listeners

My other daughter doesn't want to talk about it but there are other family members who do want to talk about it and a couple of friends who don't mind hearing about my 'stuff' lol

I have to deal with my own personal pain and sadness of the situation though as it is indeed simply SAD

I feel so helpless but I AM helpless when it comes to my DD's addiction , the only thing I can do is deal with MY end of things , always xx

Thank you for your support in it though x

It is very sad indeed . Not something that any one of us would want to have to go through. I am glad that you have people that you can speak to about it all.
You are doing well x

Ahhh thank you

Just had a message from my DD to say she is going into residential rehab tomorrow as she is not managing the weekends without drinking and she needs to recover from this

She got arrested yesterday on 3 counts but won't say what or how it happened but I reckon the contact centre manager must have reported her if she drove off intoxicated! Silly girl!! Knowing her it was probably resisting arrest , possible assaulting a police officer , plus drink driving , hope she was not doing weed too as she does tend to smoke weed too on top of things which is not good with her antidepressants so no wonder she is in a state

She has been banned from driving before and refused to give a specimen so maybe she tried that one again too!

I knew / was waiting for something like this to happen , did not want her to have a car in the first place of COURSE , but was pretty much expecting a call from a HOSPITAL and I hope they caught her / arrested her before anyone else was hurt!!

If it is 2nd drink driving offense ( along with whatever the other 2 misdemeanors were ) would she face prison?

I knew things would get worse before they got better , she is now facing court , homelessness and possible no or minimal contact with her son

But perhaps she is at least now facing reality too!

Hmmm it doesn't rain but it pours , her Uncle who is a police officer just rang to say that she would probably be facing a custodial ie prison

She is not a prison girl and needs rehab but he thinks she has suddenly said she is going to rehab to try and get out of going to prison

He doesn't know what the 3 counts are either but is on the phone to her now

It is one thing after the other with this ruddy illness etc , poor little boy is all I can say

Update of the story of my DD's life

She went into the back of a womans car , the woman shouted at her so she assaulted the woman and then bit a police officer when they forcefully arrested her

Great