Feeling inadequate

You talk a lot of sense, wendysue, and that's a good point about talking about feelings away from the people it's better not to express them to, but I have a lot of feelings I wouldn't express on a totally public forum like this!

I accept what you say about shame. However I do think a little shame can be very useful in helping control one's behaviour even if it doesn't affect one's feelings. When we gave the defence of "I can't change my feelings!" to my mum, she would say: "No, perhaps not, but you can change your behaviour and how you behave can change how you feel". I think she's right.

Or, to put that bluntly in talk jings should understand, coming from me "superhuman"? Bollocks!

"Should be "I can't help my feelings!" in previous post.

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Gosh! The great expectations of some grans really surprises me.

I can only think of how lucky you are to see your new grandchild twice a week.

It's a very emotional time being a granny for the first time. I found it quite overwhelming at the time and I was totally unprepared for how I felt. It will all work itself out and as time goes by you will feel less emotional about the whole thing as you see the little one grow up.
Seeing him twice a week, that's pretty good as I never got to see my grandchild nearly so often and just a very short drive away. Don't worry about the other granny. I suspect she drives so can get out to the shops etc.,

Thatbags. Glad to see that you have had the good grace to apologise for your very unkind remarks, no need for that at all.

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Duly chastised, gemmag. Thanks for the holier than thou remark. ?

Your daughter is fortunate to have so much support. I have Fibromyalgia and cannot do all that I would like for my grand children so am delighted when other granny steps in.

As the child grows we each find our strengths to offer them, some of us write stories, some teach them to play an instrument, or enjoy a garden or play cards or do maths, wait and see what the future holds for you all. Sounds wonderful to me.

Agree with others I think your both should back off and give the new mum a chance to get on with her new baby she's waited nine months and has two grandmothers fighting for time with the baby you'll both do more harm than good leave it be and enjoy your time with the baby and d when you can

You sound like a really lovely and loving Grandma to me.Becoming a Grandma is a very emotional event, so I understand your feelings.

One thing that has helped me deal with the huge distance between me and my Granddaughter is keeping a notebook about her.It's nothing fancy but it's important to me.

I am now on notebook three. I write all I hear about her in phone calls and e mails so she has a "history" of all important stuff and also the silly little inconsequential things that have happened in her life. I take lots of photos when I visit and always put some of her drawings etc in there too.

She is nine now. I don't get to see her very often, so I feel my books give us a bond. She loves looking back over her story.

My in laws lived 15min walk away from when DD1 was 2.My parents 120 miles away .We saw them maybe every 6weeks to 3 months .Less often as children got older .DF died when younger was 4. DM when she was 10. Guess who my children adored and were closer too and have the happiest memories of ? .Yes my parents . And this was before email text Skype etc .Mil died at 93 when younger was 24.They were sad but not desperately so .
I think a lot of it is due to personality and the 'effort'you make with children

Fruitbat, please reflect on how very lucky you are to be able to see your lovely new GS twice a week! I am about 4 - 5 hours away by train from all my GC and many other grans here have GC on the other side of the planet.

I wouldn't have wanted someone there everyday when I had my children enjoyed the time alone with hubby and babies . Seeing your GC twice a week is a lot more than some I see 1of mine weekly the others don't live as close we try to see them 2to 3weeks don't worry and enjoy days you do see him congratulations ?

I can empathise with you Fruitbat. My new granddaughter's other gran lives next door, so poor daughter in law tries her best to make sure we see lots of her. However, it's different when it is not your own daughter and I sometimes get upset, when the other grandparents try to monopolise her. I just bite my tongue and keep smiling, it's not worth falling out over it all.

Yes I too keep a book similar to that described by albertina for my two small grandchildren., and did the same for my children. I know my girls were interested in theirs and hope the grandchildren feel the same. Both my parents had Alzheimer's and one thought behind this is if anything similar happens to me they will be able to read and perhaps remember all the fun we have and how much I love them.

Re spleen venting, I very nearly vented mine the other day. I mDe lists od what was upsetting me and practised how I would say what I wanted to say, but am glad I held back. I don't usuAlly feel comfortable in confrontational situations and find it hard but I was so upset and thought I was having a heart attack my chest felt so bad. Strangely it was indirectly related to 'the other grandmother'. I am ok now, well am more accepting anyway but it may raise its head again.

Hardly a whine surely? We can't always govern how we feel, just how we react to the feelings. I am with those who feel the other gran is over doing it, maybe she felt left out during the pregnancy. I do feel that this will work itself out in a while so long as it doesn't become an issue

Being a grandma for the first time can make you feel a bit vulnerable as you love them so much and want to see heaps of them especially as you were so involved in the pregnancy. I'm ashamed to say I was awfully jealous of the other grandma when my first GD was a small baby. Fortunately things settled down after a while. Just try to enjoy the time you do spend with him and don't allow yourself to be unhappy as its such a waste of what should be a happy time.

Looking back I am sure my mother in Scotland must have felt left out when DD1 was born. She couldn't leave my father so MIL came and stayed for a week. (Frankly, DH and DM in the same flat for a week would have been a recipe for disaster, but she must have felt she was missing out. )
Later when we had the 2 DDs, PILs moved down to Sussex and as it was Sunday lunching distance from London we saw much more of them than my parents as Scotland was a day's drive from London and my parents didn't seem to like coming to stay. The girls also went to stay with the PILs for a few days sometimes, not far to take them, easy reach of seaside, PILs were very active, my parents weren't...... Lots of perfectly valid reasons but I regret the hurt they probably felt.
I feel in a similar situation with the latest DGC , DH's health issues make it impossible for me to be away overnight now, so the close relationship I formed with DGS 1 when I used to look after him one afternoon a week after nursery , do bedtime and take him to nursery the next day (later and later!) is unlikely to be repeated.
But let's be honest, "inadequate" hides the more basic and understandable emotion "jealous" doesn't it?

My daughter and family live a 3 hour car journey away and I would love to be closer to help out, she is a mum with a pre schooler aged 4 now and a full time job and a big commute. Hubby also in work so nursery and friends it is for help unless I win the lottery and could move closer. Be thankful for and enjoy any time together it is precious and will make lovely memories.

I didn,t see my first grandchild for nine days after his birth as the parents wanted to be on their own ...and quite right too.I now take a train once a week to see him and my daughter,190 miles door to door.
I think about him every day and after two months I expect my daughter will be out and about and the weekly visits may become every,2,3 or 4 weeks.
I will just be happy that she is getting on well and meeting other mums.
His other gran lives many miles away and rarely sees him.
I have made it clear that when we meet at the same time,I will step back and allow her time with her grandson.
Hopefully,I have a few years left to watch him go to school,become a teen etc....if I live to 90 I may see him married!
Twice a week is nice,I am surprised that your daughter tolerates the other gran every day,she would certainly get on my nerves!!

I also have the other granny-who-comes-to-stay-for-5-live-in-days-once-a-month and I know she is viewed by 'part of the family' by DIL. My offers of help, babysitting etc., seemed to be unwanted.
I did find it difficult and still do at times. I was squeezed in around all the other things that DIL wanted to do - and I believe is essential, such as meeting up with other young mums and friends etc., DS completely unaware and happy with the situation as he is 'off the hook' when other gran is around. In the end, I had a tearful talk out with DiL who obviously wants/needs her mother's presence, even the GD is nearing 2 years old and I cannot see the situation changing.
I make the most of my time with her, as always have offered to babysit and now feel I am included more. I also have an elderly husband and 3 cats (they belong to DS but I have fostered them for 13 years and DiL is allergic to cat fur!) so know things stack up against me!
Often it is difficult to be honest about feelings within family relationships and some are more ready to take offence than others. The feeling that you have of being neglected is understood by me, try to work out a solution, but always choose the best moment for any discussions. - and a big hug, I used to be sad a lot more but perhaps I am just accepting the situation now.

Fruitbat63, let me start by saying I understand exactly how you feel. I too am a fairly new granny suffering from a chronic illness -fibromyalgia. My only son and his lovely German wife live in Osnabruck, and have a beautiful 7-month-old daughter. I visited for a few days when she was 3 weeks old, then saw them in this country for a couple of days in March, and have not seen them since, apart from Skyping a couple of times. Part of having a chronic condition is the feeling of inadequacy you describe, and it's something one can hardly understand without experiencing it, so to those who have been less than understanding, I suggest you show a tad more compassion, if you can. Fruitbat63, you will have times when you will be able to see your family, and you will make the most of them, within the limitations imposed by your condition. Keep your involvement by using Skype, getting your son-in-law to send you photos and videos of your grandson via Whatsapp or Viber, knit or crochet for the baby, write him little cards and emails. You are far from useless...that little treasure wouldn't even exist if it were not for you! You can be a lovely granny without being there all the time. You aren't in competition with the other one. It's fine to feel a bit left out..I recognise that feeling well!..but don't let it spoil your enjoyment of a very special time in your life. It's very early days yet! Sending you gentle hugs, honey xx

Just want to point out that the new mom may want someone there every day to help out, either with baby or household tasks (so mom cam focus more on baby). And since Fruit, apparently, can't be there every day, perhaps that's why she's turning to PGM. So DD may not want either GM to "back off." We can't judge solely by our own feelings.

I still don't get why PGM sometimes has GS "full days," but no matter...

I think what you are going through is relatively normal given that the birth of a baby is quite an emotional time for all involved. However, I think that for the sake of your relationship with your DD and SIL it would be better to say nothing to put the pressure on them and make the most of your visits when you make them. Your DD will be back to "normal" in a few weeks time when she has got dealing with a baby tucked under her belt and will no doubt be wanting to see her Mum. Congratulations btw.

I've only skimmed some of the posts but first I'd say many congrats to Fruitbat! It's a lovely but emotional time, agreed. It can throw up many uncomfortable feelings and actually it's a re-learning time to all as we all adjust to new roles.
I think it's sensible and courageous of Fruitbat to share her feelings on GN and it's inappropriate to judge or condemn her feelings. We feel as we feel, but nothing's set in stone and it changes and morphs over time. It does help when posters talk of different ways to look at the problem but without judging which worsens the feelings of shame and guilt you have for feeling jealousy or envy. I speak from experience here.
I don't want to get into speculate on why DD might want either GM to visit so often - there could be all sorts of reasons. It's Fruitbats own uncomfortable feelings about it all which, I think, she wants support with.

You'll get there, Fruitbat - many of us have experienced/experience similar feelings which we might not often give voice to, so thank you for your courage!