Daughter said they are going to emigrate!!!

Gardenman, I noticed in one of your posts there was a list of the many things you have done and still do for your daughter. Top of that list was money. I get the sense that the words ' after all we've done for you', are on the tip of your tongue. You can't buy your children's affection and respect and they 'owe' you nothing.

caretaker
i am on Gn because I have children and grandchildren. I also had a heavy handed father and recognise another one. My husband would never tell his daughter and son in law that he would never forgive them. We would never say that we would never forgive them for having a viewpoint different to oure.

You have no right to make assumptions about my life just because I am not sentimental and possessive about my family. Parents in law can be too close and I keep a respectful distance to my sons in law
I live abroad myself and know the costs of it I also know that some things in the Uk have changed so much that I would never go back to live there.
I wish the young family well but feel that just not liking Brexit is not enough reason to leave home.

My daughter has lived in several places in the USA for 20 years we have had some fantastic holidays out there. My son, daughter in law and 2 granddaughters moved the New Zealand about 10 years ago and now live in Australia. I miss them terribly but talk regularly on FaceTime. Their quality of life is much richer an it would be here, especially the girls education.

I agree with Jalima Jobs future may have a part in this. Is SIL a Canadian? If not, then career track must be having an influence, not just Brexit fears. It costs a lot to emigrate to Canada. A close friend did so as a new spouse and it was quite a process. But she is so happy with her new life and comes back to the UK for regular visits, and her son and daughter go to Quebec twice a year!

We moved back and forth between the US and UK twice ourselves. We go back every year. Until my dad died in 2006, I used to cherish every moment back there visiting with him on our annual trips. He had been quite a world traveller himself for business and totally encouraged us in whatever we chose for our home country. He even got a passport at age 86, two years after we came back in 2000, to come and visit! (Sadly he fell and broke his hip and had serious mobility problems that prevented it).

Get your passport, read up on the area they are relocating to...get excited for them and with them... and plan that trip now. Canada is a beautiful country, I lived in a state that bordered it. Autumn is absolutely glorious with scarlet maples... colours you only can see in photos and not appreciate until you really are there. Canadians are very friendly and the lifestyle is not as frantic as in the US.

If they were going to a 3rd world country for work? I'd be concerned. But Canada? Fantastic, you will love it!

Unbelievably selfish. Your role as a parent is, surely, to act as a moral compass for them and allow them to lead their own lives. I struggle to believe that some of the Gransnetters live on the same planet as me.

Our daughter lives in Australia with husband and three GC. We have had fab holidays with them (two or three months at a time). Of course I would love them to be closer, especially now my husband is ill so that we can't make the long journey. But we love them enough to want them all to have the best life possible.

My daughter has lived in California for 26 years, and we have had some wonderful holidays there. My elder son lives in Ukraine, and of course we worry. My younger son and family have lived in Dubai for 7 years. We miss them all, but they have a right to decide their own lives as many Grans have said. Skype and email are great, and I often think of the parents of GI brides after the war waving their daughters off and not seeing them for years, so we are lucky. The only problem now is that as we get older, and with health problems,the cost of insurance for travelling gets prohibitive so we are tending to rely more on their visits to us.

Our son moved to Australia last year, with his wife and son, so I know how this feels. Sad to see them go so far away. We want him, and them, to be happy. We don't want to live our lives through them, or dictate their future; that is selfish and ultimately destructive. Did we want them close to us? Of course, but they must do what will make them happy and successful. Emotional blackmail is counterproductive because it is destructive. How resentful would they be if you tried, let alone succeeded, in preventing them from going? Wish them well and let them go. They are grown up and independent, not possessions to hoard.

I understand your devastation, my own daughter lived in New Zealand for four years and had my first Granddaughter out there. With FaceTime/Skype I was able to develops a fantastic relationship with her. You will have your bad days when they are gone but be proud that you have given your daughter the life skills to be able to go to another country for however long she might be there. It does get easier.

It is upsetting when children move away, please don't threaten them. You may loose them altogether. I supported wholeheartedly my son's move to Canada, I miss him and especially now he has a wife and daughters. He has always thanked me for my support in his move. A friend of mine wanted to go to Australia, her parents threatened cutting her off completely so she didn't go. Now has regrets and bitter resentments to her parents. Skype is great.

Unbelievably selfish. Your role as a parent is, surely, to act as a moral compass for them and allow them to lead their own lives. I struggle to believe that some of the Gransnetters live on the same planet as me.

Most Gransnetters are not in agreement with the OP though, Shortlegs although they may have put it much more kindly.

However, were any of the DC going on a one-way ticket to live on another planet (some young people have put their names down for Mars) I would be devastated and tell them they shouldn't go.

What a selfish attitude!!

I would never forgive them
I'm horrified at your attitude, I would be very upset if it happened to me but I would never let them know it.
It's their decision and their lives, not yours. Very selfish response op.

That's funny Jamila. My grandson (7) would love
to put himself down for a trip into space. He also asked if he could video chat with God so I think he has a lot to learn

No!!!
Don't let him go to Mars!

Talking of which, many years ago when people were sent or went voluntarily to 'The Colonies' or as missionaries to far-flung places, their families would never have seen them again and letters would take weeks, if not months, to arrive.

Margaret X

Thank you caretaker for your support.

I think you are very rude and insulting to suggest I am "heavy handed" How dare you, I was never smacked by my parents and I have never laid a finger on any of our children and would never do so. Just because your father did do not assume others are to the same brush. Disgusting.

I very rarely feel moved to post on here. My approach is from the other side as my parents emigrated when I was twenty, newly married and with a baby of six weeks. To say I was devastated would be an understatement - I felt totally abandoned. However DF had been made redundant and with no hope of a job in England had tried several other countries (which I completely understood), finally ending up in USA. My DM was also devastated and torn in two but obviously stuck by him and went too. Over the years we had several lovely holidays with them and our closeness never wavered. I never reproached them for leaving nor ever told them how abandoned I felt and I trust that they never knew. DM in particular missed us and her family over here. We had no Skype in those days and had to make do with writing letters, recording cassette tapes and sending them to each other and phone calls every Christmas Day.
They enjoyed the American way of life and made many good lifelong friends and I would never have begrudged them that.
Time eases hurt but words can never be unsaid.
Give them your blessing whatever they decide

My dad and sil left to live in Switzerland 10 years ago and our fabulous 4 GC have all been born there. My dh and myself would crawl over broken glass to make sure we saw them often. Since I retired I go regularly, nearly every month. Prior to this it was as often as we could.
We would love them to be round the corner and see them every day, but this was their choice and I wouldn't let them know that we hated them being so far away. You smile, pin on your brightest smile and enjoy time together. When we're needed we go, no question.
Ok so Canada is further away but you can still fly there. The world is a very small place these days. Give them your blessing to emigrate and don't guilt trip them for their decision.

Should read dd not dad

My son emigrated to Australia 4 years ago. He has visited a couple of times but I am now saving to visit him, which is a big thing for me as I am not a good traveller, but seeing my son and meeting his friends and his in-laws and seeing his home is very important to me. We are a close family too - my husband died when my kids were still at school so that made us closer. Luckily my daughter and her family live nearby but there is a gap in our lives left by my son. We speak twice a week on Skype,which helps a lot.
Gardenman I wish my son was in Canada - the flights are shorter and I know I wouldn't mind visiting quite as much .The 27 hour flight to Queensland is not for the fainthearted!
But please make it up with your daughter, tell her you wish she wasn't going but you want her to be happy. When I see my son's photos, he and his fiance out with their friends and having such a lovely life in the sunshine,I am happy for him. What is there here for him? Jobs are easy to lose, money is tight, our cities are full and dirty and frightening to a lot of people. The weather is appalling and our government is all over the place.
Be happy for your family, save your money to visit, install Skype, be with them all the way, and put yourself in their shoes. The only time I let my son see my cry was when I saw him off at the airport when he left, and he was crying too. It 's a big step for everyone but please .......do it together.
i wish you all the best as I do know how you feel right now.

Heavy handed can be used figuratively, as I'm sure the OP knows. A heavy handed parent does not necessarily have to be physically violent.

Heavy handed can be used figuratively, as I'm sure the OP knows. A heavy handed parent does not necessarily have to be physically violent.

My laptop is doing it again. Twice in one day!

How wonderful your family have the opportunity to emigrate. A chance of a lifetime for the children too. Our own relatives are scattered throughout the world and it has enriched everyone's lives with visits plus frequent contact via Skype. OP yes this is a shock and it is difficult, but we do not invest in children and then attempt to stifle them when things do not go to our own plan.

You have to Realise that as parents and grandparents you are not the centre of everyone else's universe. It is hard but it can be done. We did and are actually reaping rewards we never dated of. I wish you and your family well.