Daughter said they are going to emigrate!!!

I know how you feel, I miss my grandchildren very much and would love it if they came back here to live. A piece of my family is missing and I feel it most at family get-togethers. I really feel for you.

I really feel for you. I would be heartbroken if my DD and family moved abroad, and I know it is a possibility. But, when our daughters were in their twenties we moved away from the UK to France (not a million miles away, I know) and both daughters were very supportive of our decision. I would put a brave face on it if it happened and hope for Skype contact, emails and the occasional visit. As others have said, your daughter is an adult and needs to make her own choices.

Please make your peace with your DD Gardenman99 or you will live to regret it for the rest of your life. Explain it was just the shock of hearing about the move & discuss everything regarding the move.

I left my 1st H for another man, this caused a rift with my parents but DM made contact & encouraged by my OH we made up, DF was more difficult but we eventually put it all behind us, so glad we did because within about 6 weeks DF had a fatal Heart Attack.

I later had my DD but following the breakup of my 2nd Marriage I met my 3rd DH & moved 250 miles away from DM & Step-Father taking my 9 year old DD away from her DGPs. It was difficult on both sides although I was still in UK. We made efforts to have holidays with GPs in Yorkshire & they came to visit us in Middlesex (Surrey). DD used to go up in school holidays (we used to meet half way).

My life could have been so different if we hadn't healed the rift. It is hard for me now I am widowed & living in Devon near DD, her OH & DGS. My DM is still in Yorkshire & I can no longer drive up there but make the journey once a year by train & DD goes up in the summer, not ideal as DM is nearly 88, luckily still independent

Let them spread their wings with your blessing & shed your tears in private

How would I feel? Envious, as I did when DD, SiL, DG told me a year ago they were moving to the USA. I miss them terribly of course but we keep in touch through Whatsapp, FaceTime, I've visited them and they've holidayed back here. Naturally I wish they were nearby but I'm proud of them for grabbing the opportunity to expand their horizons and for coping so well with this big change in their lives.
Your routine will be very different once they're gone but you'll get used to it. I hope they'll forgive your knee jerk reaction and one day you'll all laugh at how shocked you and your wife were. In the long run they know what's best for them, better to go with the flow and wish them well. Oh, and whatever happens don't ever say "I told you so"!

I can comment from both sides of the coin, as I have said my son has been in NZ 20 years, my youngest daughter in Europe 15 years Do you imagine I ve never shed any tears, a single mum who brought three children up into a loving home with lots of sacrifices, you are not the only family to be close
When I was 20 I met the man of my dreams ( it didn't end up that way) and he was being moved through his profession to Malaysia, I was a much loved only child with a beloved and close widowed Nan who I often stayed with we were all very close both geographically and emotionally .... I now as an older person can imagine the fear and distress they must have gone through when I packed my bags to move to the other side of the world Bearing in mind there was no internet, no Skype, we didn't even have a telephone and airmail letters took a week or more to arrive. My parents and even Nan were very upset but they were supportive they helped me buy things and book tickets etc they took me to the airport and waved me off before catching the coach back home I can now only imagine the tears they must have shed on the way back
Gardenman I think people on here are horrified by your blanket, no neogotiation type of conversation you had with your daughter. I think everyone can feel empathy none of us want to miss out on our children and grandchildrens lives BUT we have absolutely no right to say 'I ll never speak to you again if you go' that is looking for trouble and is selfish To truely love someone means allowing them freedom to choose their life However close you think you are you cannot lock them anywhere except your heart
They are not birds to be kept locked in a gilded cage for your benefit, when you truely love someone, you set them free if that's what they want and need

Give them your blessing who knows they might even change their minds

Gardenman99 you will be so pleased when you realise what opportunites your grandchildren will have which they might not have had if they stayed here.

You will enjoy visiting them and having good family time. You will have regular Skype sessions and it is likely that your grandchildren will keep these up when they group if they have enjoyed them.

Even Grand children grow up and move away. You may find that over the long run, you will be emotionally closer for the contacts you will set up to resolve the problem of the distance.

I'm sure it will work out.

We were the ones who emigrated and left the children and grandchild back in the U.K. and we're definitely not moving back there. We see them about once a year when they fly over to visit us. They live in London and it would be difficult for them to work in their specialist fields in many other places so I can't see them moving in the short term, but if they wanted to go somewhere else, that's their choice and is fine with us. Obviously, we miss them but our lives don't revolve around our children and we're still young enough to want to enjoy our retirement.

OP, you don't own your children and if you try to control them with threats over support, money etc. you will be the losers. How does your wife feel about your nasty comment?

My dad was similarly unpleasant to my older sister many about years ago and despite them making up, she never really forgave him and always kept him and mum at a distance compared to her in-laws. My poor mum was piggy in the middle and suffered because of his stupid arrogance.

I hope you don't live to regret your childish threat.

I have every sympathy for the OP. Of course it was the wrong response but we are only human. Shock and pain make us blurt out our deepest feelings sometimes, instead of the measured response we know we ought to give.

Our eldest DD and her husband emigrated to the US in August 2014. That means we haven't seen them or their 4 kids (except on Skype, of course) for more than two years. I miss them more than I can say. It is a sadness that never goes away, but you learn to live with it.

In some ways, the months prior to their leaving were worse than when they had actually gone. At first, it looked as if they were going to Europe, as our SiL had been offered jobs in Sweden and Germany. That would have been bad enough, but then he got a very good offer from the US. Throughout all this, and the long process of getting visas, I had to maintain a smiling face, listen to their problems and offer encouraging remarks. All the time, my heart was breaking. I used to turn to my other DD for comfort, which was hard on her but I had to have a shoulder to cry on. My DH wasn't much use, as he just said "Well, they're going. Nothing we can do about it."

We were on holiday when she rang to said they'd got their visas. I congratulated her, rang off and burst into tears, right there in the middle of a seaside crowd. At first, there was some talk of them coming home after three years, but I knew they never would. Now they have bought a house, they have their green cards and they have a whole new life out there. It is a good life and they are all very happy, including the kids. They know we miss them and they miss us, but for them it is an adventure. It's much harder for those left behind.

Bear up, Gardenman99. It hurts, it's awful, but you've got to support them. If you don't, you'll lose them completely. I'm sure they understand that you are hurting but, if they really want to go, they're going anyway. Plaster on a fake smile, be as helpful as you can (we ended up having to clear and sell their house!) and start saving for a visit. We're hoping - fingers crossed! - to go next year.

Also, I found that large spoonfuls of peanut butter were very comforting at times when I was feeling very low...

I can understand how you must feel Gardenman99. Our daughter and 2 DGS live close to us and I would be devastated. As it is Brexit based might they change their minds. If not I would making enquiries about whether we could follow them. Please don't say anything that could damage your obviously close relationship

I would support them in their proposed move and look forward to the opportunity to visit.

Dreamed of .....

A couple of years ago my DD told me that her, her H and 2 DGD were filling out application forms to initiate emigrating to NZ. I was devastated, heartbroken and cried myself to sleep every night for weeks. I tried hard to be positive in front of her but we know each other too well and she could see right through me - I have been told many times "your face says it all" so no matter what I said she knew deep down I wouldn't want her to go as selfish as that was. I do remember saying I could never have left my parents (I was an only child) and regretted it instantly but I voiced to a friend I'd rather they split up and stay here than them emigrate. Well, that ' wish' came true they're now divorced. I did learn afterwards that the decision to emigrate was the last ditch attempt to save their marriage, I also know now that it would have happened wherever they lived so it has been far easier for DH and I to help her and the DGDs financially, emotionally and practically in the same town in the UK - I feel vindicated to some degree especially when DD says she's glad she didn't go and doesn't know what she'd do without us so give the OP a break, I'm sure he will have time to contemplate his words/actions.

A friend who has been widowed for many years said to me today that we just never expected our children would be able to up and move to another country. Both her children live abroad, Japan and Ireland and even though Ireland is nowhere near as far as Japan, visiting both her children requires the same process of buying flights and airport parking and sometimes arranging accommodation in advance. No flexibility or spontaneity.

In our days it just wasn't possible to live and work abroad because of necessity/difficulty of getting a work permit etc. Our children can go wherever they like, and they do. Sadly we must accept their decisions. At least we can keep in touch more easily than a few years ago and for that I am grateful.

Oh dear, we'd all prob think that but not say it. My M.IL did that and was hysterical every time we mentioned moving, and we were only going a couple of hours away for work. We raise our children to be independent. And publicly rejoice when we succeed. You may find you actually see more of them because you will call, Skype, and save for visits. You can be in the next street and not see family if you fall out. Apologise now please for your own sake and wish them well . We couldn't face visits to M.I.L for ages cos we didn't want kids to see her hysterics.

I don't think you meant it to be unkind.you were just upset and it came out wrong.
You may need to apologise and wish them well with there new adventure. You can still have a relationship with your grandchildren Skype is fun.

3 sons in the US and Hong Kong together with wives and children
2 left 15/17 years ago and 3 years ago, the 3rd left for Hong Kong
I live alone and find it tough sometimes. But they are not mine to constrain and shackle to me or the UK. One's life must not depend upon others

They have wonderful lives and I am welcome to stay for long breaks with all of them
I have retired recently with little pension and whenever they can, my flights are funded by them

I count my blessings that they want to have me to stay for extended periods. Had I made my devastation felt at their leaving this might not happen. I feel your pain Gardenman, but it will it will diminish and what a beautiful country to visit to see them .

Yes, life is a gamble but preferable to try a new life than always wonder how it might have been. It may open up your world to be able to visit your family abroad. My daughter lived in USA for 10 years and I had some wonderful visits, met her friends and was, in fact, a bit sorry when she returned here after my DH's illness. She is now a few months from qualifying as a nurse, has a great partner and fulfilling life. I am so glad she had that experience with our blessing.

If my DD wanted to emigrate i would wish her well and hope that it all turned out fantastic for them, I would be heartbroken to not see my GD everyday, But as i came to England from just over the boarder i know my parents were more involved with my children,(by Fax and phone, way before Skype)Than my DHs parents who lived in the same street.

None of which excuses you for saying you'd never forgive them. Perhaps they will never forgive you.

Well my son .daughter in law&2chidren moved to Australia 8yrs ago.broke my heart but waved them off with love.going on our 5th brill 7wk trip there too then stop off in Dubai to see daughter/son in law...oh gardenman dont deny them the chance of a good life....?

Well,I think many people have been really hard onGardenman. I'm sure he came on here hoping for some support as he is really devasted by their decision to emigrate. Yes, what he said was unfortunate, but none of us know the people involved, who are, he says, very close, so maybe they have made allowances for his outburst. I'm sure he doesn't really mean it. I have a friend who cried herself to sleep for weeks as her son and family were emigrating to Australia. However, they Skype regularly, made several long trips to visit, and now after 5 years the family has returned to the uk after all. Give him a break, he will still be upset but I'm sure he will come round and if his daughter is understanding no long term damage will be done!

Thank goodness for the internet. At least you can see photos and videos and have up to the minute news of them. My son's family moved 8000 miles away and it was very hard at first but it does get easier. Losing daily contact with our beloved grandsons was really painful and I cried for weeks but not in front of them. They will all need your support as it will be a big step for them. During the preparations you will come to terms with the situation and by the time they go you will be ready. Don't make it any harder. Be proud of their sense of adventure and enthusiasm and try to be positive in front of the children. There's a big world out there and they will get to see it!

I sympathise entirely with Gardenman99 and think saying "your adult children's decisions are theirs alone" misses the point.
The decision to migrate implies that the loss of close family contact with grandparents is not as important to them as it is to the grandparents. Which it isn't when you have a whole new life ahead of you.
For grandparents it is a loss that can't be overcome by a new life or other relationships so it is an unhappy change for them.
I know- I did it to my mother and she never forgave me !

Not so long ago my younger daughter, son in law and the four beloved grandchildren looked seriously at going to New Zealand to live. Of course I was devastated, BUT...I did my crying in private and whenever it was spoken of I listened and asked what I hope were the right sort of positive questions, whilst smiling and being encouraging. Particularly in front of the little ones, who were expressing a certain amount of trepidation at the thought of leaving their wider family behind and who were touchingly concerned about how I would fare without them close at hand.

In the end, they didn't go and when my daughter told me that they were not going (for now at least) I said that I was delighted that they are going to be here for longer...never ever would I tell them how much I'd wept over it.

I understand how painful hearing that sort of news is for grandparents...I adore my grandchildren, not to mention my daughter and her husband, but I'd never forgive myself if I 'guilt tripped' them into giving up an opportunity which they clearly saw as a wonderful thing for them, as a family. Saying goodbye would be heartbbreaking, but as so many posters have said, there is Skype and messaging and all sorts of ways to keep in touch these days.

Just last week, my middle son said that there is a physiotherapy position going in New Zealand, but that he didnt know how I would feel if he and his wife and children moved there. I said that I'd miss them like crazy of course, but I'd be thrilled for them if they went and had a wonderful, happy life there.

My family are my life, but that doesn't give me the right to be selfish about their choices. They don't owe me their futures.

If your parents had said there's no way you could marry your wife because they were not keen on her and if you did they didn't want to know you anymore - would you have taken notice ? How about the jobs you took, or the homes you had ? She is an adult, who has responsibility of children, they obviously feel life will be better for them (as a family ) by moving. Yes it could be a mistake - but that's theirs decision to make.