I need a few suggestions please

I'm68 now - that is such an unpleasant comment to a person who is using this Forum just for advice. A lot of us don't have a lot of money and find petrol expensive. I'm going to visit my Mum soon, and although I feel bad about it, have asked my husband to contribute to my petrol costs, and I would also like to take her out or buy her a little present.

Everyone's circumstances are different and reading Izabella's post, if money is tight, then I think it's quite in order to point that out to the child's parents, after all grandparents' childcare is free, and no doubt, top quality We have just started looking after our grandchldren for a short while a couple of afternoons a week to fit in with their mother's working schedule, sometimes this involves picking the older one up from school and then giving them both their tea. Quite happy to do that we are near about five miles away and don't need to be reimbursed for petrol, but would not judge others for asking for a contribution. We've had to help our children financially from time to time, but we are fortunate we both inherited money from our own parents, some of which we have earmarked to help our kids and grandchildren, so long as it's used sensibly. It's getting the balance right really, everyone has their own idea of what is reasonable and how much of an input they are prepared to give without it impacting on their own life or finances. I have read posts on GN before where some sound really put upon and I sympathise with them. My perception is that this generation of grandparents do far more than previous generations, some happily and some under sufferance. The upside of a lot of involvement I guess is that it will bode well for a closer relationship.

To those of you who think oldgoose should refrain from asking for payment please bear in mind that this sort of arrangement consists of far more than cost of petrol and a couple of hours a day. I undertake similar duties for my DIL on a paid basis and because of the commitment I can't arrange appointments that extend into the afternoon, tradesmen visits have to be the morning slot, no long weekends away in term time, etc etc. She may also need to be available in case of a child being off school sick, having an INSET day and so on (I do, but regard it as part of the deal we negotiated at the start of our arrangement). In term time her weekdays are not her own! This, to my mind, is definitely worth a financial recompense.

Some people (like me) janeainsworth find the direct approach very difficult.

It's fine if you are that kind of person but some of us are not.

Asking my husband to help with petrol costs would be like asking him to help with paying the electricity bill or the food shopping Zorro21. I'm sorry I just don't understand "couples" who keep their finances totally separate.

Maybe I am strange, well I already know I am but surely if one half of a couple can't afford petrol then neither of them can?

Personally I would not ask unless paying for the extra fuel makes you struggle financially. If you can afford it just be pleased you see so much of your daughter and grandchildren. If money is very tight though can you introduce it tactfully? Maybe something along the lines of you are on a really tight budget now you are retired and if she could afford it would she give you a contribution towards the petrol as she suggested before she took the job on. She may assume you have no need for the money.

It's not the money it's the time - I also travel long distances to assist with grandchildren but I wouldn't commit to every day for two hours that would cut into the others things I want to do in retirement.

im68now is not real/nice! I ferry/look after my GC loads for no fee... but my daughter often treats me to home made cakes, (my cooking is a disgrace,) help with various odd jobs etc so even tho money is never given I feel blessed for payments in kind. It suits us anyway so neither feels taken for granted.

gilly I was really thinking of it the other way round.
If someone asks me something directly, I'm happy to consider whatever it is and say yes or no accordingly.
However if someone drops veiled hints or mentions something in a roundabout way, the most likely result is that I haven't a clue what they really mean because I'm a bit dim and either ignore it or assume that if they want something they would ask me properly

Jane, like you we will be doing a 500 mile round trip on Friday to babysit for one night, all down to children in need as our S&DIL have to work into the small hours. We will return on Sunday morning. Never think of asking for petrol money.

I think that you are so lucky to live close to your daughter and her family, to be so involved with them, and to have such an important role in their lives. That is what families are for; if it isn't a financial burden why think about money? In this materialistic society many don't realise that your time is the biggest gift you can give. If money is a real problem for you then it is better to be assertive and upfront by saying how much you love helping out like this but could do with the occasional help with the fuel. It works best as a passing remark rather than as a complaint. Your daughter may be totally unaware that there is a problem, after all you are her mum and we are used to good mums looking after us!

But what if petrol money had been specifically promised to you, and you really needed it? Would you turn off the heating and eat bread and marge so as to fill your petrol tank for the trip, without reminding your daughter of her promise?

If you're out of pocket, you should ask. What I do when I have to ask an awkward question is ask it to one of the grandchildren within mum and dad's earshot.
So in your case I would say:

"I need some petrol in my car, so I'd better get some. Mummy said she would help with that, but she hasn't said anything. I expect she is soooooooooooooo busy she's forgotten."

Who would look after the children if you didn't?? She can only do what she wants because you are looking after her children! Soz, makes me cross.

Good luck!

Jackie

If you're out of pocket, you should ask. What I do when I have to ask an awkward question is ask it to one of the grandchildren within mum and dad's earshot.
So in your case I would say:

"I need some petrol in my car, so I'd better get some. Mummy said she would help with that, but she hasn't said anything. I expect she is soooooooooooooo busy she's forgotten."

Who would look after the children if you didn't?? She can only do what she wants because you are looking after her children! Soz, makes me cross.

Good luck!

Jackie

If you're out of pocket, you should ask. What I do when I have to ask an awkward question is ask it to one of the grandchildren within mum and dad's earshot.
So in your case I would say:

"I need some petrol in my car, so I'd better get some. Mummy said she would help with that, but she hasn't said anything. I expect she is soooooooooooooo busy she's forgotten."

Who would look after the children if you didn't?? She can only do what she wants because you are looking after her children! Soz, makes me cross.

Good luck!

Jackie

If you're out of pocket, you should ask. What I do when I have to ask an awkward question is ask it to one of the grandchildren within mum and dad's earshot.
So in your case I would say:

"I need some petrol in my car, so I'd better get some. Mummy said she would help with that, but she hasn't said anything. I expect she is soooooooooooooo busy she's forgotten."

Who would look after the children if you didn't?? She can only do what she wants because you are looking after her children! Soz, makes me cross.

Good luck!

Jackie

If you're out of pocket, you should ask. What I do when I have to ask an awkward question is ask it to one of the grandchildren within mum and dad's earshot.
So in your case I would say:

"I need some petrol in my car, so I'd better get some. Mummy said she would help with that, but she hasn't said anything. I expect she is soooooooooooooo busy she's forgotten."

Who would look after the children if you didn't?? She can only do what she wants because you are looking after her children! Soz, makes me cross.

Good luck!

Jackie

If you're out of pocket, you should ask. What I do when I have to ask an awkward question is ask it to one of the grandchildren within mum and dad's earshot.
So in your case I would say:

"I need some petrol in my car, so I'd better get some. Mummy said she would help with that, but she hasn't said anything. I expect she is soooooooooooooo busy she's forgotten."

Who would look after the children if you didn't?? She can only do what she wants because you are looking after her children! Soz, makes me cross.

Good luck!

Jackie

If you're out of pocket, you should ask. What I do when I have to ask an awkward question is ask it to one of the grandchildren within mum and dad's earshot.
So in your case I would say:

"I need some petrol in my car, so I'd better get some. Mummy said she would help with that, but she hasn't said anything. I expect she is soooooooooooooo busy she's forgotten."

Who would look after the children if you didn't?? She can only do what she wants because you are looking after her children! Soz, makes me cross.

Good luck!

Jackie

If you're out of pocket, you should ask. What I do when I have to ask an awkward question is ask it to one of the grandchildren within mum and dad's earshot.
So in your case I would say:

"I need some petrol in my car, so I'd better get some. Mummy said she would help with that, but she hasn't said anything. I expect she is soooooooooooooo busy she's forgotten."

Who would look after the children if you didn't?? She can only do what she wants because you are looking after her children! Soz, makes me cross.

Good luck!

Jackie

If you're out of pocket, you should ask. What I do when I have to ask an awkward question is ask it to one of the grandchildren within mum and dad's earshot.
So in your case I would say:

"I need some petrol in my car, so I'd better get some. Mummy said she would help with that, but she hasn't said anything. I expect she is soooooooooooooo busy she's forgotten."

Who would look after the children if you didn't?? She can only do what she wants because you are looking after her children! Soz, makes me cross.

Good luck!

Jackie

If you're out of pocket, you should ask. What I do when I have to ask an awkward question is ask it to one of the grandchildren within mum and dad's earshot.
So in your case I would say:

"I need some petrol in my car, so I'd better get some. Mummy said she would help with that, but she hasn't said anything. I expect she is soooooooooooooo busy she's forgotten."

Who would look after the children if you didn't?? She can only do what she wants because you are looking after her children! Soz, makes me cross.

Good luck!

Jackie

Didn't mean to post that so many times! Forgive please.

I am hopeless at either saying what I really mean or asking for what I really want --and even more hopeless at saying the "NO" word janeainsworth

I agree that it is probably far better to be direct if you can be (saves any confusion).