Ask a DIL...

I had rules for my mum to follow 55 years ago. Why would I not want what was best for my children?

Has no-one else noticed similarities between the OP and a recent thread from someone complaining about her DIL? The mention of giving unsuitable foods to taste etc. Just wondered if it's the same MIL/DIL.

Lizzypopbottle , my MIL was the same exact way. Practically tried to force me to go back to work even though she knew we planned for a long time in being a SAHM. Along with endless advice and constant pressure and guilting to see them more although we already saw them all the time. Before I even had the baby it was decided they would have him for sleepovers. Nothing wrong with that usually, grandparents and family can be wonderful for those kinds of things, but as much as parents shouldn't force child care on grandparents, grandparents should not force their AC to leave their kids with them either? Sure GPs are family, but not always the best caregivers. I would say that same thing about my own mum. She loved my children and saw them regularly, but if she watched them on a regular basis on top of seeing us as much as she did my kids would be spoiled brats. Anyways, I would never expect grandparents to just be my free nanny, nor should they expect their ACs to use them as that either if they don't want to!
In my case years back I found the best way to deal with our family and to have a good relationship with them was to visit with them as a family, but we had a babysitter for our kids. Our kids grew up having a great relationship with GPs probably because of that fact.

Some of your hostile responses to DIL illustrate how hostile some MIL's can be as you don't seem to want to listen to DIL. Is this how you spend to your own DIL when she says something you don't agree with.

My observation is that being a mum for most people is the happiest time of their lives. ( that's why some people keep having babies). It is also a time when we are our own boss and can be in charge of our home and children. When people become GM's they want to relive that time through the grandchild forgetting they are not the mother.

Since you had your children research has changed child care and practices a lot. At this point GMs say well my child was ok so what's wrong with the way we did it. Well I expect your mother said exactly the same when you did things differently.

My final point is that for some DIL they find it difficult to cope with this women she has to share her husband with and vice versa.

Everyone is different and it is great if you don't have problems but many people do.

Thanks for your input. She chose Christopher herself. It was her grandfather's name. She has been asked if she could call him by a nickname but prefers to call him gorgeous. He'll love that when he goes to school. Her niece sent her an email soon after to say she doesn't like the name -her own great grandfather's name and it has stemmed from there. Christopher looks so sad and lost. She is always doing things with him, but just refuses to call him by any name. The problem is that neither does anyone else now, or it causes an argument. We just don't know what to do other than speaking to her doctor. She really needs help as does Christopher.

Hear hear Leticia, that is EXACTLY the problem, ie how come always the husbands' mothers? We're being blatantly marginalised as if - and I got this from a horse's mouth - they are 'the other woman'. I am hearing of this discrimination again and again from others and it is also my own experience.

A young woman friend of a friend is the horse's mouth and told me how shocked and disappointed she is in her peers that they treat their MILs in this way and admit it. She could not understand why...

Here's how it feels DIL 123: you're controlling for your own over- involved (with you) mothers to get the lion's share of everything at the expense and, frankly, intended humiliation of the husbands' mothers.

I was very lucky to have a wonderful MIL and even after I was divorced from her son she remained the same as ever with me and does to this day. I was 17 when I met her and I'm 63 now and she's 88 and still lovely .Shes been more of a mother to me than my own mother was and a fantastic Nanny to our two girls.

"...how come always the husbands' mothers?"

Is it? Mostly, I think. But Iv noticed that a few of the egps on GN are the wife's mother. So it's not "always" a mil/dil problem.

Experigran - how sad! I think the dad needs to handle this though. He needs to speak to the doctor and maybe insist that baby has a name. And she needs to understand that her niece's opinion doesn't matter - baby needs a name. But if she's suffering from serious ppd, maybe she can't yet.

I hope you're still reading this thread DIL123 as I have a question for you which will follow some back ground information.

We were very close to our estranged d.i.l., well I thought we were. We gave her a job; she'd fallen out with her own parents so they married abroad with only myself and Mr. S. present; they moved just 15 doors down the road from us just before they got married, my ES said tongue in cheek, it was so they could have free child care. When she became pregnant with the first child I was asked to have him 2 or 3 days a week when she went back to work, I accepted; we used to hug one another and say 'I love you', and I did love her; on the eve of their wedding I gave her my bride's bible that my wedding bouquet was attached too, it was the most precious thing I could have given. She used to say she wished I was her mother.

The first time we saw our GS and held him you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife. When we popped in to see them, asking if it was OK first, you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife. If we held him, you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife. And no, it wasn't post natal depression, everyone else was welcome to hold him, change him etc.; it was just us.

I kept suggesting that we go out to buy all the things we'd need for me to look after him at our home when she went back to work but nothing was ever arranged. Eventually, we purchased the things we would need; a cot, high chair, safety gates etc as her return to work was getting closer. She got another job, 3 days a week so I was asked to have him one day a week as he'd be going to a childminder for the other two. Then, I received a 'phone call from her telling me that our son had re arranged his working week so he'd be available one day a week and the child minder would have him for the other two. I wasn't going to be looking after him because I hadn't spent enough time with him.

If we invited them to our home, they were never available; things went from bad to worse and 4.5 years ago we were CO. I have the hand written note from our ES in which he stated we were no longer a part of his or our GC's lives and were to stay away. After we'd been CO the lies began to surface, the lies that first she and then both of them had been coming out with for more than a year; their precursor to cutting us out.

Sorry for the long post, it could have been a lot longer believe you me; now for my question WHY????

Hi DIL123. All I want to know is, how do I get one of you?!!

My son is in his mid thirties and over the past seventeen years I have been introduced to seven significant others. One was sufficiently significant to share his life and start to plan for a wedding - and it broke his heart when she found someone else - but that was about ten years ago, and he now lives and works in another part of the UK, where he tells me he is now very happy.He is attractive to women, but I do not think he takes advantage of this,and gets on well with most people of all ages and both sexes.

I have liked ALL his girlfriends. They have - every one of them - been decent, hard working, intelligent girls - who have also been prepared to get on with his old Mum. The latest is no exception - and this one is also a really caring person who clearly thinks the world of him and wants an LTR. The only trouble for me is that she is his age,so if he does not get his finger out, their chances of having children may be reduced, as has happened already in our extended family.Also,a (younger) friend of mine had a son with Down's Syndrome when she was around 40 and though the child is/was much loved,I saw what a big impact this had on their whole family.

I have never interfered with the upbringing of my daughter's only offspring - she lives at a distance, so maybe this helps! I am also lucky to have a good relationship with both my adult children.But I am now in my late 60's and time is running out for me if not for him.I would like to think that I might live long enough to become more than a framed picture on the wall to any other GC......But if I mutter about any of this, I am told by my son to back off. Which I can, in fairness, understand.

But what I think now is this. My father's generation who survived WW2 could not wait to get back to the UK and get a life. They did not think they needed to be in a relationship for 5 years plus with as many girls before they took the plunge. They knew they needed to grab a good thing while they had it - and I suspect the percentage of marital success achieved was probably not a lot different from today....Time is not an inexhaustible resource.

Any dissatisfied DILs who want to chat to an old lady about stuff, send them in my direction. I am on their side. Well, I used to be a girl once myself, who was warned by her then fiance that the more he liked a girl, the more his mother hated her.......!

Suzzied. You should get a dog and that would solve the crumb problem. When my DG are eating he sits under the table just waiting and wet wipes are always on offer.

I think DIL 123 might be the DiL of the OP who posted a while back about offering her DGD a piece of orange and having problems.

The relationship between MiL and DiL will always be contentious and frustrating for most as it always has been. There are of course the lucky few who do get on well with MiL.

I have just read through this thread, what a shame that DIL123 felt she couldn't contribute further. This is a very emotive subject and a DIL perspective is valuable in being able to understand why this matters causes so much angst. Maintaining good relationships is key but also for MIL and DIL to recognise when certain behaviours cause hurt and be big enough to apologise and forgive. Sons have a part to play in managing MIL expectations and communicating clearly. I have a disastrous relationship with my ex DIL and have had to fight to maintain contact with my grandchildren but happy to see them when I do. I now stay out of any emotional scrum and sit on the sidelines until asked to join the team. Its a much happier place for me and less tension for the children. Child rearing today appears to be more complex than my day and mothers seem to be bombarded with advice which makes them feel they have to do things right and they feel insecure in their abilities -add an experienced and competant MIL to the mix - only adds to Mums insecurity as she may feel she doesn't 'come up to scratch". I tried really hard not be that demanding MIL, to offer support and understand the parenting style - such as baby lead weaning and attachment parenting but we got off on the wrong foot from the off (still don't know why) and circumstances within the family deteriorated with catastrophic impact on my DGs. So MILs bite your tongue, accept that things are different now and enjoy life beyond grandchildren. DILs recognise the value MILs can bring and embrace their experience. In the end its the children that count.

When I was young I thought I knew everything. I didn't have a good relationship with my MIL because I never tried. She died of Cancer two years after I married her favorite son. After all these years I look back now and regret all the missed moments. We have but one picture of her holding my oldest daughter at three months of age. I have only to see the look of love and devotion in that woman's eyes to realize me how young, insensitive and foolish I was to have squandered the short amount of time we both had left to become friends. Life is too short for MIL's and DIL's to be at odds over love for their families. That is something that should bring us together, never separate.

Undoubtedly parenting is more prescriptive these day and mothers in particular are under even more scrutiny for their parenting ability than ever before, but I think also Grandparents, especially grandmothers have also begun to see their grandchildren as the be all and end all of their lives in a way that previous generations did not.

Both my grandmothers lived within walking distance when I was small, and I adored them, but neither was involved in any significant way in my day to day care. It was wartime, my father was serving overseas and my mother was effectively a single parent, but that made no difference. One certainly helped in emergencies and in illness and I saw both regularly, but otherwise my mother was expected to manage.

Things were not much different when my own children were small. Both sets of grandparents lived further away, but help was always there in emergencies and for occasional sleep-overs, but again the feeling was that they were our children and we should cope.

Perhaps if grandparents were to distance themselves a bit and not run their lives around their grandchildren and at times, not become almost psychologically dependent on having their grandchildren in their lives, relationships with their parents would be better. I am not talking about where necessary childcare is provided, but even that should not be open ended.

cassandra don't push them!!
The girlfriend might run.
I had a lovely boyfriend when I was young but his mother was extremely pushy - although, funnily enough I was very fond of her! - but I think it did drive a wedge between him and me.
I married someone else.

DIL123, if you've learned nothing else from this thread you'll have picked up that a lot of grans are very twitchy about any perceived criticism. Stay strong. As Bionicwoman said up thread, grandparents should listen more than they talk. Quite right.

I'm with m0nica in not really understanding the possessiveness of some grandparents, the wanting to have and to hold and have grandkids stay overnight from a very early age. Fortunately my DD has never wanted me to have hers overnight without her! I'd do it in an emergency but it's never been something I yearned to do. I like having my DD visit as much as I like having the grandkids.

Jalima......all things considered.....I think I am with you on your initial post.

Sounds like you came on gn to moan! You may be assuming all grans are like this and I think you are wrong and probably unlucky.
I am not a dil or a mil but I am a mother and a grandparent and I am sad so many mums are feeling like this!
Try talking to the people in question rather than venting anonymously???

Why is it always the female is blamed for the lack of contact or organisation of visits?
Surely the blame solely lies with that persons child?

I love and adore my mum. So I make an effort to see her.
My MIL is the sole responsibility of my DH.
Any grievances she has she needs to take up with him.

Kim19
still

My son & DIL & 4yr old twin grandbabies live 3000 miles away. We have visited 2-3 times a year, given them considerable financial support for infant & child care, never criticize or even suggest anything. But after 5 years, DIL does not communicate with us.Son telephones from work or while doing errands.She does not acknowledge gifts to the kids or even direct emails; if we send clothes(from Boden etc) never see pix of girls wearing them.Have never discussed this with son who acts as if this is normal. He conveys her demands to us about visits-times we can see them, etc. Have never had a meal in their large home, mainly paid for by us. Her parents moved across the country to live up the road from them, are there 24/7. They are coming here for first 3day visit next week.Any advice?

I think DIL123 is genuinely trying to offer a perspective...not speak for all daughter in laws. After some of the responses on here I'm not surprised she has retreated!!!

On my wedding day my DMIL said to me that she learnt things about her son she had never known over the course of our wedding.

Maybe everyone should be prepared to learn and most importantly listen.

Jalina, I'm an idiot. Only went back to page two for your 'initial' contribution. Actually meant the 'wind up' one.

Some of the replies on here are so sad- it is a real eye opener how some families operate.
I couldn't live with Bibbity's view of families. When I married my husband got my mother, my aunts, uncles, cousins etc etc etc and they are not my sole responsibility! Of course he sees my family on his own sometimes and I arrange to see his without him being there.
My DILs are lovely women- I phone and text and do things with them without my sons having to be there- and they do the same with me.

I stick with my first opinions.

1. You have to have a good MIL/DIL relationship before children.
2. What goes around comes around. If your own children have never seen a difference placed on grandparents and have a relaxed, happy atmosphere with everyone welcome, that is what they will see as normal. It helps if both sets of grandparents are often around together having a laugh.
3. Everyone needs to chill out a bit! MIL shouldn't offer advice unless it is asked for.
As a DD & a DIL I found 'smile, nod , ignore' very useful. It is your child- no one can make you do things that you don't want to do- be confident.