Ask a DIL...

it probably helps if no one is caught up on things that don't matter like Christmas outfits!!

As a young DIL, I found myself constantly biting my tongue in order to be respectful to my MIL. When things got too hard to handle, I used to go upstairs, open my wardrobe doors, make a centre parting with all my hanging clothes, place my head inside the parting, close all the clothes around my head, thus creating a sound muffler, and SCREAM!!
I would then return to the family group with a smile, no body had an incling of how I kept my sanity.
I am now the perfect MIL!

Kim I meant I am still not sure when I posted

I am an Australian MIL with a Chinese DIL, so added into the mix of possible problems are the cultural differences (anyone else facing these problems?). Although I have become very experienced at biting my tongue (not sure if it is a language issue but she often takes things I say totally the wrong way) there are times I have 'butted in' because of safety or other issues. For instance, when my first grandson was born, she and her mother (who visited for the birth) felt the child's eyes should be bathed regularly with a brown herbal mixture they had made up. What concerned me was that the mixture sat out in an uncovered tea cup for days on end in 30 degree Celsius weather. I was horrified and said as much but nicely, trying to explain the issues of possible contamination. A second example was when that same grandson was almost 3 years old and I asked if they had booked him into a kindy (in Australia kids generally start kindy when they are 4 and some parents, wanting a kindy of their choice, book them in at birth). I was told (and my son also believed the same thing) that they could just 'rock up' on the day. Not true!! I offered - not in an overbearing way, but truly wanting to help people who obviously didn't understand the system and to make sure my grandson got the benefit of going to kindy- to book him in. Because I was already looking after him 3 days a week, I booked him into a highly respected kindy near me. It meant that when I was sick, my DIL had to drive 20 minutes out of her way - but her favourite shopping centre is near the kindy so she could make the trip count. To cut a long story short, she began to feel I was taking over her child and attacked me. Part of the Chinese culture seems to be a passive aggressiveness that they even have a saying for: 'behind the smile a hidden knife'. The result was that I was refused any contact with the grandkids for two months. It nearly broke my heart, but it hurt my grandson the most. (I also took him to soccer, tennis and swimming, and all those activities were abruptly cut short.) There is obviously a lot more to this story which I will share if you are interested, but I would be interested if anyone else has experienced MIL/DIL issues that seem to be related to cultural differences and how you have dealt with them. As a footnote: we are getting along better, but now they are moving to England!!! I wonder if she will actually miss me - I know the kids will!!?

Groan... it's hard to know when to weigh in and when not to, yes, Naina007? It's not always as simple as just buttoning one's lip. There can be issues of the child's welfare and safety.

The eye-bathing Iv never heard of. It may be a cultural thing, Idk. But the contamination issue - ugh! - no wonder you spoke up! I hope dil listened.

The kindy thing, idk - sounds more like ignorance on the part of both ds and dil. You were wise, I think, to give them the correct information if only for gs' sake.

But your choosing to just go "book him in" was highhanded, I'm sorry. And the fact that you chose a kindy that was inconvenient for dil (shopping centre or not) - oh no! I get why you did it, but I can also see why dil felt you were "taking over." You were making decisions for her and ds' child - and with your convenience in mind over dil's (the mum's).

I don't think her angry reaction to this was cultural, nor the 2-month estrangement as a result. Imo, many modern dils would have done the same, not just Chinese dils.

Oh wait... I hope she didn't attack you physically - that would be wrong in any culture, I believe. But verbally? We hear that often here. I wish people would be more civil but, as I'm sure you know, sometimes they are not.

It's awful that gs' activities were cut short. That was selfish of dil, imo. Are you sure ds and dil didn't find another way to get him there, however? Isn't it possible they had somebody else watch him on those 3 days and that person took him to his activities?

Anyhow, I take it the two months are over and you now see ds and family again. Are you also back to watching gs? I hope that all is well now. If I were you though, I would try not to go over ds and dil's heads again.

Altogether, you sound like a great mil & gran. I'm sorry if dil doesn't appreciate it.

Avalon, maybe your DIL thinks it's your son's job to keep in touch with you, to send thank you notes, photos of his kids, and so on. Have you considered that?

I have major cultural differences with my DIL. She is American, from L.A. or la-la land as I prefer to think of it. Loved being with her before children but she turned into a complete mumzilla once baby was born. I adore my grandchildren but visiting them is so stressful I really don't want to go back.

Dear DIL123, I'm just wondering what kind of relationship you have with your mother in law, do you get on? I presume by 'first outfit you mean babygro's, I have 5 grandchildren and they all had more than enough of those. My daughter in law has always been pleased with I have bought her babies and as she breast feeds them there has never been any question of me feeding them.
As MawBroon says, there is no place in a family for rules. I also think that instead of offering 'advice' to mothers in law, you work on the relationship with your own mother in law. I can truthfully say that I had a wonderful relationship with mine and we had no rules.

Hi DIL123, don't know about you but I haven't trawled through all the pages on this thread! The posts I have looked at though, don't reflect my experiences at all. My married son has a one year old child and my concern is that maybe I don't get involved enough(from their point of view)-not too much! They aren't local-we can just about get there and back in a day and we/I do see them every 5 or 6 weeks and are happy to babysit in that time, if they want a few hours out on their own. Often though, we just have family days all together. We both work still so mostly its weekend visits. I love my grandchild to pieces but never comment on what they do unless asked and don't think about how them/her all the time. However, the 'other grandmother' is the opposite. She lives much further away than us but visits every month for days at a time, has a big say in day to day life and showers the gc with gifts, clothes, toys etc. She rings every day, skyping so that she can see as well as talk to them. None of that bothers me but I see it as excessive and yet worry that they think I don't care as I'm so less involved. I'm actually quite happy with things, although it would be nice if they were closer. My son does often ask when we can next meet up and I'm not sure if it's to balance out the other side of the family so to speak, or if he thinks we should visit more...I just don't know ...but if you or anyone else can relate to thus, I'd love to know your thoughts.

Avlon. Your Son is his families line of communication to you.
As far as DIL is concerned you've been thanked and you've been contacted.
She could be a lovely, kind, caring person. A wonderful loving wife and mother.
But she just doesnt see the need to have the sort of relationship with you where she needs to contact you herself.
If you aren't receiving pictures that's because of your son. If you feel you aren't being given updates. That's on your son.

If some people feel that marriage comes with in laws then that's fine as long as both sides except that.
Neither view is wrong at all. But no one can impose or dicatate how they want a relationship to go.

avalon It sounds as if you and DIL just don't get on, and really that doesn't matter does it?

IF DIL does not communicate with you, what is your son doing to communicate with you HIS MUM, send notes, acknowledge gifts, email and send pics? You say he conveys to you about visits-times we can see them, so it sounds as if he has that covered well.

I'm not sure why you need to have a meal in their home?

I'm not sure what her parents do matters? Do they force you into accomplishing the same?

If I were you I'd just calm down and keep up contact with DS, the child you raised, the one actually related to you.

It is obvious that you, Dil123 and your MiL just do not have a good relationship and that is very sad indeed. I do not recognise the situation you describe, although I do know of DiLs and MiLs who are not natural friends due to culture and personalities. However, even where natural affinity is missing, there is a mutual desire to respect and honour. That cuts both ways: MiL does not interfere, DiL not shut out PiL. I hope you and your MiL can build a more solid, non-confrontational relationship for the sake of your shared loved ones,because that is what your DH and DC are, shared, loved and indispensable to both your lives.

I have grown to love and respect our only DiL and mother of our two school age grandchildren. She knows that I will help whenever I can, if asked, and I know that she, of course, prefers her own mother to me. My 3 daughters prefer me to their MiLs but I see that as only natural.

I hope your MiL reads this thread...and wish you luck in building a more positive relationship.

I would just like to add-- what about the legions of grandparents who are expected to provide care over and above what they feel able or wish to do. When I at the age of 72 explained I was finding expectations too much, was told " oh, so you don't want to be a grandma" !
The expectation was full time care plus sleepovers and weekend cover whenever they fancied a weekend away.
I did draw the line and am now treated very coolly . I get comments like " I'm sorry to burden you with them" when they are dropped off.
Difficult does not even begin to describe the situation.

That's like comparing apples and oranges!
Two compleltly different arguments.
I don't trust my MIL with my children.
She has never had them unsupervised and she never will.
I have many many many avaneus to go through in an emergency. So i do laugh at these people who say 'one day you'll be stuck when you need her'
No. Unsuitable childcare will never ever be an option. I will never be desperate enough to put my children in a situation that I do not feel is suitable.
If a GP feels they're being pushed beyond their means then they need to put their BGP on and voice their issues. If they're then accused of 'not being good enough' then that's rude and uncalled for.
But a DIL not wanting a close relationship with her in laws does not make her a bad person. She chose her husband. She wants to be with him.

Thatbags, bubbity, norah. Thanks for your thoughts. Don't need more criticism,hoped fir some empathy & help, won't write again on this tooic.

I think a lot of people take the same view as Avalon as regards wife work. They feel it is her jobs to send cards, buy gifts, make social arrangements. This is probably because they did it in their family. My sons' and my daughter keep me updated, send cards, photographs and buy gifts. I would not expect my DiLs. or SIL to do these things.

Opening our minds to different ways of doing things goes a long way in forming good relationships.

Avalon. I haven't read any criticism.
You posted asking for advice.
Posters showed you another perspective.
One that most probably aligns with your DIL.
If you do disagree with us and continue to push this adgenda that your DIL is failing in some way then you risk causing a rift. So far you have not listed anything that she's done wrong.

You can choose your friends but not your DiL.

I have 2 DsiL, one I like very much and one I try very hard to like because she's the mother of my DG and so I must try my best and believe you me I have tried.

Unless you are in a MiL/DiL relationship you really shouldn't be posting on here because you have no idea how hard it can be.

I have never asked for sleep overs ( I don't want them) and I knew/know nothing about buying first outfits?
I have fed my DG many times,no problems with that.

What I would like to know is what makes DIL123 aged 26 feel that she is qualified to answer any problems that one might have in a DiL/MiL relationship.

Gemmag - I guess its glorious youth! - time will take care of it.

Lets face it every mil/dil relationship is different, good or bad, dealt with in many different ways. If anybody wanted to buy my eldest anything to wear I was delighted we were like church mice in those days.

Gemmag It seems she is a DiL. Qualification enough.

I think her post is full of ideas showing the way of what may go wrong. I know my daughters express some of the same thoughts, so DiL123 didn't just pull her ideas from air.

Avalon nobody posted anything except ideas to help you.

I fully understand why my relationship with my DiL is so strained.
We are very polite to one another but we will never be close and no 26 year old could ever sort us out. As long as I see my DG every few weeks I'll be happy. She's an excellent Mum and the DG are a delight. Things could be a lot worse and they have been!. Just chalk and cheese.

Gemmag that's fine that you fully understand.
DIL123 was offering to try to help those who don't understand. She wasn't offering to sort anyone out.

Avalon, I don't see any criticism either. Or do you feel some posters criticized your view of dil? Or maybe that they were criticizing ds for not sending you pictures or whatever?

I don't think there was any criticism intended. In fact, I would think it would be reassuring to see that perhaps dil just thinks that ds is taking care of relations with you.

Pps (previous posters) may be right about that. Dd and sil and some of their friends follow a policy where the wives deal with their side of the family and the husbands deal with theirs. Perhaps that's what ds and dil are doing? Only you might need to ask ds to send you some photos. It might just be something that slips his mind.

So when they come to visit, just be as lovely as ever, but don't expect thank yous, etc. from dil. Assume that when ds thanks you/sends a thank you card or message, it's from both of them.

I'm sorry you always end up paying for the meals though. Unless they're struggling financially, imo, they really should pick up the tab sometimes. But that's as much on ds as dil. In fact, again, maybe she's leaving that up to him.

No criticism from me, Avalon, just an explanatory suggestion, the acceptance or rejection of which is entirely up to you.

The taking of offence at straightforwardness is a thing now though, isn't it? Good luck with that.

I'm really sick of this idea that MIL's are always the problem. I never wanted to feed my GCs my children were breastfed and so are they. I don't want them overnight (not until they sleep through and get up a bit later). If DIL has rules that's fine (although I might sometimes forget one or two-and that isn't deliberate I'm not good at rules). I appreciate that someone loves and cares for my son and has had his children and given me a chance to play with and cuddle them.
I actually think it is about showing respect, care and understanding and some MILs do this and some don't. But equally there are some mums who show none of these things to their own daughters and some DILs who show none to their MILs.