Paying for occasional baby sitting to grand parents & how a child minder could impact this arrangement?

Sorry about all the spelling errors - sent from my mobile!

How sad, you you have such a mercenary FIL and how stressful having all that worry about your finances.
It is a joy and a privilege to look after my DGD and my husband feels exactly the the same.
We would never look for any remuneration, just being with her is the best thing ever. My husband was just saying this morning that the house is too tidy and quiet, as she isn't here.
I hope you find some sort of resolution.

Mammy.
I feel sad for you and the situation you are in regarding having to pay the children's own grandparents to look after them. I have never heard of this arrangement before, so it is a bit of a shock to know that this happens.
Your FiL sounds very mean regarding money and maybe if it was just down to your MiL she would do it willingly for free.
Like some others on here, I belonged to babysitting circles when mine were very young, we were a military family and travelled extensively so unless we formed these groups we had no grandparents close by to help out.
I think I would enquire how much a fully registered childminder costs - versus what you pay the in-laws, not an aupair as you would have no privacy then as she would have to live in.
Another thought is .... does your MiL come sometimes on her own to mind the child.? Could she offer to do it for free on those occasions if he is not there. Or would he expect the payment anyway. I am guessing the answer is yes he would.
What a difficult situation for you. Do you live near to any other family or friends who could occasionally help out so that you could have a breather for just a couple of hours.
It sounds like you work quite long hours and need to get out now and then.
I would have a family meeting fairly soon now you are pregnant again and tell them it's going to be unaffordable to pay for their services in such a way for much longer, and will have to consider other childcare options once you have another baby as well. Your FiL might not like it but as you are the ones paying out it is entirely your choice who you pay.

Mammy
I'm shocked
€850...per week or per month? Either way it's a HUGE amount.

I live nearly a four hour drive away from my DGC so don’t get to see them every weekend. When I do go and look after them whilst DD and DSIL are working I normally stay over for a few days, sometimes even a week or more during school holidays. At no time would I ever accept any payment from my DD.

How old are the IL's? Possibly in the future they'll need help with their care and odd jobs, then you can charge them, and a professional gardener, say, for mowing the lawn would cost at least £15 per hour. What would they say to that?

Grasping grandparents or do they need the money perhaps. My opinion is that "do you need these date nights? We three boys in four years, rarely went out because we couldn't afford it and to be honest quite content at home, but we did have friends come to visit us regularly and we to them. Happy days!!!!

Mammy.Where does the word 'love' come into this arrangement?
I would take any opportunity to baby sit GC of mine as they soon grow up and you then feel superfluous to 'requirements'.To be offered payment I would feel insulted. If so hard up then were travel costs involved may be a different matter.What a money pinching selfish old g** of a FIL you have and soooooo sorry for MIl.

I have my 3 on the same nights every week whether DDiL is working or not. it just makes it easier than chopping and changing. I have them an extra night depending on DDiL's shifts, but if they want to have a date night, peaceful night in or whatever it makes no difference to me.

I'd just put it straight as it is. As you have said, you're happy for her to visit any time so it's not like you're telling her she's not wanted on a personal level, you just don't want to pay her for babysitting any more - or at least not at the rate being charged. Be polite of course, but I don't see that under the circumstance you have outlined there are any particular reasons to be extra sensitive about it.

Would the MIL be more expensive than child minder/au pair? I would have a word with MIL and just do a set rate as per the childminder rates for the day care and extra if there is a date night. I am presuming that your older child is too young for childcare help from the government.
End of the day, discuss the problem and explain why you need to look at these options to your MIL. I would feel devastated if my children felt they couldn’t talk to me about this.

I just can't believe that parents/parents-in-law would even THINK of charging for babysitting!
How bizarre.... and how sad.

The first thing I would do Mammy is, with your DH, talk to your in laws and explain that as much as you appreciate their help and value the relationship they have with their GC, that you simply can no longer afford to pay them in the way you have been doing, especially with another baby on the way.

Hopefully their relationship with you, their son, GC and the new baby will be more important than being paid for baby sitting.
Congratulations by the way.

I look upon looking after my GC as a privilege. I'd pay to do it!! We have them staying over a lot & we live it.
Join a babysitting circle or start one.
When mine were young we worked on a voucher system with other mins in village. We all started with vouchers for 5 hours sitting & you give sitter the right amount of vouchers for hours they sat. Obviously to get vouchers you had to sit. If worked really well & children knew sitters as they were at pre school/school with their children.

I used to look after my grandhildren 5 days a week in my house as I'm a childminder as well, I was paid a little mainly for food and drink as it was 7.30 - 6. So a lot of food and drink involved and my daughter and her partner were happy to pay this. But weekends and evenings when I wasn't working as a childminder was a joy and not paid for. And now I'm not needed to look after them during the day, any time spent with them is free and fun time.

I do loads of babysitting for my dgc but wouldn't dream of asking for payment! I am here to help my DS and ddil to bring up their children, not to make money out of them. You need to speak to MIL and explain to her that you can't afford it any more and she needs to brave up to FIL.

In your place I would try to talk to MIL when your husband is present, BUT most men leave that sort of thing to their wife, don't they, so that may not be feasible.

I would start by saying how much you appreciate all MIL's help, then explain as you have here that all your expenses are going to go up when the new baby arrives and that you just do not know how you are going to manage.

Be as firm as you can, your last post sounds as if you have made up your mind that you are going to find a cheaper option.

I feel you are right to be concerned the one day your children might feel that their grandma had to be paid to be with them. Mention that aspect too to your MIL.

I hope you get through this without a full scale row.

I do appreciate that you and your DH need a night out now and again, so I hope you find a good baby-sitter or perhaps another young mother or father who would be willing to baby-sit for you on your date night, if you, or DH baby-sat for them on their date night.

You are obviously such a caring, thoughtful DIL that many of us on this website wish that you belonged to us! FYI, our DIL has not spoken to us for 10 months now and refuses to let us know what it is that has so badly upset her. Would you like to be our adopted DIL?

I am the babysitter for my grandchildren so that for those times daughter DOESN'T have to pay! Grandpa does some days and I do others. Granddaughter goes to nursery and there are half terms and holidays and after nursery times or if she is sick.

Grandson is at school and I drove 45 minutes last Tuesday to collect him before daughter started work and took him home, then back again to collect small sister at 3.30 and give tea and bath her and have her ready in PJs when mum got home.

I love being with them and although I find it tiring am sad that the hours are fewer this year. I not only do not get paid, I assume if daughter asks me to take them shoe shopping that I will pay for the shoes or whatever too.

These people are your family.
They are treating you like strangers. The only people I'd consider required pay would be proper childminders.
Would they be suitable as childminders out in the free market due to age?
I suggest that your father in law gets registration with the council as a child minder, Mother in law too.
Until then they are merely two elderly people cashing in.

I agree that "date night" sounds ridiculous and childish.
Are you two American teenagers?

With a new baby coming along this sounds like the ideal time to raise the subject without a row, you have the perfect excuse. Just say that in all the circumstances you can no longer afford to pay, which is the truth, the ball is then in their court. I wonder with such large sums involved whether you could not work for a bit. I suppose MIL should stand up to FIL if she wants to see her GC without being paid but that is not your problem.

Like many other responders, I can hardly believe your MIL charges you to look after her GC. I have never come across it before, and in have many friends and family who look after their GC and are delighted to do so. As will I if and when some arrive.

"treated them whenever we could, always helped out with lifts when they’ve needed been very generous on family nights out or taken them away for a few nights etc." - well shouldn't you consider telling them you can no longer afford to do this for them?

When I was a child minder I used to look after my granddaughter for one day a week and charged 50% of the hourly rate. As it was only one day a week and you were only allowed 3 children under 5 it cost me a lot of money from turning down several offers of children needing a full time placement. Why not offer her half the hourly child minding rate as perhaps they have financial problems.