Grandchildren and Christmas gifts

Hoping not hoooing

I can sympathise. 4 of my GCs are working and although I send them money for Christmas and birthdays, I don’t even get a card from them. I do get a thank you but I can’t help feeling they are a little thoughtless. I would not say anything because it would devalue what they bought to have been promoted.

Well, I'm expecting an Easter Egg from my elder GS. And I'll have something to say if I don't get one.

Good for you Gonegirl and to the other grans who are neglected by grandchildren at Christmas. I know some of my friends who are being treated similarly are also very angry about it but keep quiet so as ‘not to rock the boat’.
Well I’ve rocked ours and I can live with it, it’s about respect.

Of course each person deserves to be treated with respect. Maybe it is better to pre empt this sort of dance of disappointment by some clear communication before Christmas and other celebrations?

I get this every year with nieces and nephews who don't even bother sending a card at Xmas or birthday. I've now stopped buying for birthdays and it will be cards only at Xmas as I don't even get a thank you from most of them.

I always bought my 3 up to give little individual gifts to grandparents and they carried on doing this with their children. Many teenagers now tho, just think that as their parents give gifts to their parents, then they don’t have to. It is hurtful for you and yet another mine field, to speak out or just keep quiet and accept things.... to keep the peace !

It is difficult in an age of electronic communication. I have always said a card (bought or homemade) - though not cheap nowadays with postage etc. and, if they have received a gift I expect a thank you - in 'my day' hand written but a phone call will suffice. It's common courtesy which is fast disappearing in many aspects of life

We gave up having adult presents years ago as nobody needed anything - crunch came when son said he could do with a new fleece, having said for years there was nothing he needed, and ended up with six.

This has relaxed slightly to "Bring a small token to hand over to xyz if you are with xyz on Christmas Day

Presents in general only for small children - once they become teenagers it's just money in a card. When GD1, the oldest became 18 and had a weekend job we thought OK, she is now an adult and so teetered on not sending her anything. Armageddon avoided at last minute when I saw look in DS's eye.

I was hoping to just give DGD a piece of jewellery on special occasions. Will have to think.

Grandchildren have never sent us anything. Don't think it happens or has ever happened within the extended family. Our own children give us chocs etc on birthdays.

Unfortunately, I think we are bringing up a generation that omits to say thank you for anything!
My ex SiL always made a big thing of saying "it costs nothing to be polite" and yet I never received a thank you from either of her children, so actually stopped sending gifts.
My nieces children never say thank you either!
I'd not expect a present from any young family members unless they were earning their own wage - at 18 and 21, they are surely too old for "pocket money " too, suggest you have a quiet word in the near future explaining that you are on a low income and can no longer afford to give them money, beyond a gift at Christmas/birthday.

I never receive presents from grandchildren on their own, but some of them sign the card from their parents, and I understand they take a hand in the choice of present. What does hurt is when an AC suddenly, after over 40 years, stops sending any acknowledgement of Christmas or birthdays, on the grounds that he is a bit short of money. Just a wrapped chocolate bar would make my heart sing, but obviously it is not going to happen!

At 18 I was engaged at 21 I was married with a mortgage, I was always thoughtful to my mother and father and my in-laws it’s called respect. Now a grandma to 5 granddaughters I would be heartbroken if they forgot me on my birthday and Christmas it’s not the presents I would just like their company and to see them. I do think that adult children aren’t as adult as we were and don’t have the same respect as we did, times change.

I know I often hurt my grandparents but never, ever meant to as I loved them dearly. The main thing, Lemonlegs, is that your DGDs sent you a lovely reply. Remember that DDs are often hormonal so the time of the month may determine her reponse to anything you say. This is what I find, and I just ignore it.

When I was young - in amongst my Christmas presents I always received a pack of thankyou cards - and so became used to taking note of who gave what, and personally thanking them. I think this practice could be usefully carried on to children today - who quite often receive so many presents with sometimes only a cursory acknowledgement of who they came from...

Never expect people to behave as you expect them to behave. They usually don't.
Gifts freely given with happy thoughts and love, should not have strings attached.
I would never remonstrate with family or even friends, not even obliquely, if a reciprocal gift was not received.
What I do do if it's a long standing omission, is to withdraw some of my generosity in whatever way will be noticed...eventually.
Times change and not always for the better.

Perhaps the thing to do is not to expect a present from grown up grandchildren but also to stop subsidising them and row back on the cash value of your gifts to them. Let it all naturally subside into goodwill and good wishes which cost nothing but which are genuine and heartfelt.

My DD always buys her grandmother thoughtful presents for birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day but my son doesn't remember and we buy a tin of chox or bikkies 'from' him. Grandma still favours the grandson over the five lovely and thoughtful grand daughters in a monumental act of ingratitude.

It is what it is. Some people are good and kind and others are intelligent and sensitive enough to appreciate it and some are not so bright and insensitive. There is no point in getting yourself upset about ingratitude as the worst people make the most trouble and fuss when they are 'called' on their thanklessness and there is no point is starting family rows.

You were in the right but your daughter will be taking it as criticism of her parenting.

Hi all - unfortunately, we have to come to terms with the fact that we live in, on the whole, a very self-focused society, for which we have to thank Margaret Thatcher and all the policies that filtered down from her ideology into family life e.g. 'no such thing as society'. How many elderly parents are shoved into homes to decay quietly? How often do you see a kid give up their seat for an older person (or a pregnant or disabled one)? It happens, but it is comparatively rare. I have no children of my own, but I am a step-grandma. Of my two step children, the boy (nearly 30) never sends me a birthday card, even, and the girl cut me out of anything to do with her wedding (e.g. sharing details of what was going to happen - like style of wedding dress etc) other than attending like any other guest. This is despite having had an amicable, even loving (when they weren't throwing hissy fits) relationship while they were growing up - and despite poison being dripped in their ears by their mother. I was very generous to my godchildren until they reached their teens and stopped bothering to say thank you for gifts. I kept going for a while and then just stopped the gifts. And, I would respectfully suggest, that if you feel snubbed by grandchildren's failure to thank you, you do the same rather than storing up the hurt and resentment. Yes, giving should be unconditional, but in a close relationship, respect and affection should play its part on both sides. BTW - husband and I gave a Christmas gift to stepson's live-in girlfriend for which she never thanked us. Looks like they're going to get married. We haven't said a word, not even 'did she like it?'. How do you sort that one?

I never expect or look for thanks for anything. Nice when it happens but I don't give a fig really and it would certainly have no bearing on future giving. I just give what I want when I want and sometimes seek a little guidance on what's 'new' or 'needed'. I do appreciate a mention that cash has been received via a bank but that's because I have little or no faith in banks.

To be honest I wouldn't want my Grandchildren wasting their money on me. As for giving to them, I would rather spend on them now when I can see the pleasure/ help it brings then leaving it until I'm gone!

Hold on Lemonlegs - it was your DD who wrote the sniffy letter, not the GCs. Why withhold the GC's pocket money because of something your daughter did. Around late November this year, find some subtle way to gently remind the GCs about the little gifts you discussed, (a year is a long time to the young) and go on giving pocket money unless or until xmas comes and you get nothing from them again. Then you can decide.

I think YABVU to put pressure on your dgc to buy you a present and I am not surprised your dd was unhappy.
You say dgc were very gracious in their reply, but frankly you left them with no other option than to apologise and promise they will buy a present next time.
Just doesn’t sit well with me asking someone to buy you a present!!

I was taught, give freely with no strings attached. I give time money and love to who I want to, willingly and expect nothing in return. I don't expect anything so I'm not dissapointed, though it is nice to get thanks. Life is too short to let nonsense like this get in the way of friendships or family relationships.

I sympathise with Lemonlegs. I think even a card which had been bought and written by her adult grandchildren would have been warmly received, and it seems that the GC realised this but the mother just doesn't want any criticism, however gentle, of her children and that us her failing. She should have taught them better.
I'm very lucky with my two adult granddaughters, who, completely off their own bat always give me a card and small gift. Totally different with adult grandson who doesn't even remember to send a thank you text for gifts given to him.
There have been a few rumblings amongst other relatives so he may find he gets nothing next year!

I know how you feel Lemonlegs. I have done the same over the years my eldest Granddaughter now being 28. I have 5 grandchildren and this year first time ever I received presents from all of them. It made my day.