Grandchildren and Christmas gifts

Am going to be a bit frank, please don’t take it amiss but ..... I can’t imagine asking anyone for a present, ever - except from my husband, where we both have developed a pragmatic way of present giving!

As for writing and asking adult grandchildren for a present, again I don’t think I would. I might possibly, when the grandchildren are older possibly mention it, but to write and ask?

I also don’t understand why you are stopping pocket money over this, as your grandchildren apologised and it’s your daughter who has upset you.

Sorry to be so frank, but .... ! ?

I’m not sure why you thought it was okay to comment on not receiving a Christmas present, but hey ho , everyone has a different thinking on present giving. However, I think your Daughter was way off the mark in her vicious/rude comments, especially as you have helped with the caring of your Granddaughters. Perhaps she needs a little reminder.

You have done your Grandchildren a favour pulling them up on this. I hope you feel a bit better now. I love my little Grandaughter and I hope she doesn't get thoughtless as she gets older.

My sympathies here. Our daughter married a widower 25 years ago....he had two small children and there are no children from daughter’s marriage. We accepted these happily into our family and treated them like grandchildren. Holidays abroad paid for, treats, Christmas and birthday presents, and in recent years, healthy cheques for their weddings! Our birthdays are never remembered although we may get a Christmas card and joint present of Yankee candles, mugs, or a food item. Should we continue to send cheques in their birthday cards? Oh, and don’t mention ever getting a ‘thank you’ email, call or text! That’s obviously not on their to-do lists!

I think you should be grateful for what you receive not hanker after more. How will you feel next year when the presents are only being sent because you asked for them?

One of the things I have noticed about GNs is the enormous importance placed on cards and gifts and particular expectations of reciprocation and response not just with grandchildren but friends and other family. I don't know whether this is a cultural issue or a generational one or part of many other issues all tangled up. I am Australian but my cultural background is entirely British but now in the context of an international family I am also a Nonna and Bestemor and things are not always so straightforward and I have had to rethink many things.

I do wonder about those Grans who are still giving teenage grandchildren 'pocket money' and the high emotional investments in these 'gifts' and the anticipated responses which so often seem to result in disappointment and hurt. Is this really just what used to be called cupboard love?

Surely the most important thing is that you have regular contact and shared love and respect with your adult children and grandchildren whatever their age. When we give a gift it is a gift from the heart because we can, not something for which we expect a particular return. This view does not in any way condone exploitative relationships.

I do think that sometimes we need to review our expectations and concentrate on the good things not the things that didn't turn out the way we expected. I do my best to always have an open heart and an open door. Pretty much like life in general. Just some thoughts from abroad.

Houseseller, I still remember the year I got a birthday card from both my children. Dunno if it will ever happen again.

I'm surprised you felt it appropriate to ask for more gifts from your grandchildren. After all they did give you gifts from what you have said, albeit from the family as a whole rather than individually. I can't say I'm surprised at your daughter's reaction; I think I would feel the same if my mother did this to my children. Seems a bit cheeky and ungrateful for what you did get to me. But each to their own, we all see things differently after all.

I am always invited to my son's Christmas Day celebrations when the whole family has a lovely dinner and then exchange gifs. I usually give the 2 grandchildren £100 each in cash and the older two who are working something like theatre tickets or a voucher for a day out somewhere. I have never given pocket money as I think that's a parent's job.
This year I received small gifts from the grandkids such as hand cream, chocs, etc. The joy is in seeing them all at Christmas, not in the gifts. I have never received a thank you message from anyone, but this also applies to friends I give small gifts to. I am sorry to say I don't send thank you notes to anyone either as we all say it at the time. I think its a lost art. Having a family and friends is wonderful, and so many are not that lucky.

Sadly a sign of the times and as mentioned families appear to be insular.

As the old adage - you don't give to receive. Isn't there something about the joy in giving?

As my father always said it costs nothing to say thank you but can gain a lot.

My children have always bought my parents and DH's parents Christmas presents and sent them a card on their birthdays. Why? because I used to remind them. Your daughter should not have to remind them at the age they are but if they have been in the habit of buying you a present since they were small why stop now?

I would not have said anything. I think that is as bad as them not giving you anything.

I received a lovely hand made card from my 3 year old granddaughter for Christmas which I treasure. Obviously my son is carrying on the tradition.

Btw my children always wrote thank you notes and still do although I have told them that a text is acceptable.

They are no longer children, and it's not just about receiving a gift this lady is upset about I'm sure, but the lack of thought,lack of appreciation, and just a small gesture of love for their grandmother.
Nobody likes to be taken for granted. I'd leave your daughter and sil to stew for a while until they can be more understanding x

How times have changed. I used to go carol singing two weeks before Christmas every year to be able to buy every member of my family a small gift. It might have only been a bar of chocolate, but I loved wrapping it up and the seeing the pleasure on their faces when opening their gift. I am talking 50s now of course. I'm sure youngsters today miss a lot of joy by not giving, just receiving. No-one suggested I buy presents for everyone. It just seemed the right thing to do and part of the enjoyment of Christmas.

I can really understand your upset, Lemonlegs. You didn't give to your DGC expecting them to reciprocate, but at 18 and 21 I'm sure they will be buying presents for friends and their M&D. At that age, I would feel a bit hurt that I wasn't included on my DGC's Xmas list, a card would be enough. It's just something to show they've thought of you, isn't it?
If you always recieve a family present, it's probably never entered their heads that they could give you one independently. I agree that the problem was caused by your DD rising up against perceived criticism of her DC, as we all do. They obviously have thought about how to reply so as not to hurt your feelings or fall out, so I would suggest to just carry on as normal. By next Christmas any ill feeling about this should have calmed down.
I remember my excitement as a kid, going to Woollies to buy my Grandma's present. Hopefully now they are aware, they might realise how nice it is to give something back.

When my children were little I always bought the presents they gave to Nan and Gran (no Grandads as both died before/first year DC arrived). Sadly both Nan and Gran also passed away before my DC were adults so never had this issue, they did write the cards that went with the presents I had bought though. I do give my DGC pocket money at the moment but they are aware that this will stop when they are 18, same as I did with their Mum and my son.

I don't yet have grandchildren, but when we were in our late teens and from then on we always bought inexpensive but thoughtful presents for our grandparents, which were cherished by them. It would never have occurred to us to get them nothing as they'd been so generous and kind to us throughout our childhood. Sorry, but this generation have been brought up to be self-serving and expect instant gratification and have not been taught about simple courtesy and manners. I have 20 nieces and nephews from both of our families to get Xmas presents for , ranging in ages from 10 months to 32.I bought them all what I deemed to be considered presents & wrapped and labelled them all. To date I have received only 4 "Thank-You" texts, and in this day of instant communication ( phone, texts,Whatsapp, e-mails and not forgetting mail too) that is just plain rude. There is only a handful of the kids that would believe in Santa anyway. This has been ongoing for years, and I've had enough and next year will just not bother to get all the ones that couldn't be bothered to say two little words - which mean a great deal.

Being made to feel guilty and demanding they buy you gifts is no way to endear your family to you. I am with your DD on this one and would have been very cross.

We all of us have less than bright ideas that can be taken the wrong way, young or old, although your granddaughters seem fine and understood. Just carry on as normal and it will blow over soon hopefully.

I learnt a great lesson from my parents when I was a child! If you are giving something to someone, give it with a heart and a half and a smile, otherwise, don’t do it. Never look for praise or thank you!
Of course it is lovely to get a thank you, and we were raised to remember our manners which we passed into our children. They have done likewise.

It's a sad sign of the times, Isn't it?
I saw this online, "We used to use things and love people, now we use people and love things" which seems to sum up the modern attitude. It sounds so cynical but I think there's some truth in it.
I hope the pendulum will turn some time in the other direction.

Wrong to ask for a present - what will it mean if your GDs feel they have to buy you something?!

You shouldn't need to ask for a gift, it should just come along.
Like you We have done loads for our dd and gc, however they do seem to appreciate it at the time.
We can be fairly honest with each other but I now go by the old adage if you wouldn't say it to a friend then don't say it to family.This has got me out of lots of,scrapes.

I think I'm on your side lemonlegs13.a small gift that grandchildren have choose, bought and wrapped themselves means so much.would I have sent them the said message.i think I'm on the fence on that one.

I must say I never expect gifts from any one and am just happy if someone does a nice thing and gets me something. I used to go in with my parents on gifts to elderly relatives when I was your GC ages and no one seemed to mind, I was at sixth form when I was the age of the younger one and had virtually no money and just out of uni when at the age of your older one so ditto! You don’t say if these young people are working or not but I can well see why they were happy to go in with the family gift and wouldn’t think of being either hurt or offended in your shoes. I did start getting gifts in my own right once I was earning

Lemonlegs13 - you had a nice reply from GDDs which is what counts. I am sure they will remember what you said. Try to remember that DDs often are hormonal and this can be what causes their outbursts or make them irrational.