Grandson (12) stealing something from my bag then lying about it

If he'd taken money, it would be different.

Yes, I know stealing is stealing but, somehow, I feel there is a difference psychologically.

Don't tell his parents this time. Give him the steak. Remove temptation by not allowing the grandchildren to go into your handbag.

I know you didn't mean to trap your grandson but what has happened is pretty much entrapment - like leaving a £20 note in an office drawer deliberately to catch out the cleaner! I know someone who did that.

Also, although I agree from what you say that it was your grandson who took the chocolate, you can't prove it.

If you say anything over a bar of chocolate, you could risk a row with your son, DIL and lose your relationship with your grandchildren.

I think I'd tread carefully.

Don't tell the parents. You and he know that he stole the chocolate - he's been caught and all kids would deny taking it. Keep enjoying your lovely time with your grandchildren - they will grow up so fast.

Unless there is a bigger issue by eating an extra chocolate- issues with his teeth, health issues, behavioural problems, I would let it go, sounds like normal child behaviour.

Teasing a child with something they like and they may not get enough at home is not a good policy.
What do his parents think about candy? How often do they get it?

I am glad you are cooking him his favourite meal, steak and broccoli is healthy!
Punishing him not giving him what he requested is teaching him food is a weapon.

So unless this is part of the bigger picture, let it go.

Look, you have done the right thing asking him about the missing chocolate, then asking his sister, so leave it at that.

By now his parents may well know, little sister may quite innocently have said something about it.

Next time you visit hand over the chocolate to each child when you arrive and keep your handbag near you.

Before going to their house, make absolutely sure you know how much is in your purse, because a child who steals may well be tempted to take money. You could prevent that by keeping your purse in your pocket.

If he steals from you again, tell him that you feel forced to mention the matter to his parents, but give him the benefit of the doubt for the time being. You've caught him out and he knows it, so forget the matter and cook the steak and chips you have promised him when he comes.

Have you or his parents any idea why he steals? It is not normal teenage behaviour and sounds to me like a cry for attention.

Chat over the chips and steak about school and friends and see if he hints that there is anything bothering him.

I have a grandson of 12 and a granddaughter of 7.... its the opposite to yours . The boy is an open book.... the little girl is a minefield if contrariness. I you’ve spoken to him... you know what he did and he knows. Leave it. But one more lie from him and straight to parents. Luckily the only dilemma I e had like this was when grandson took a toy from school when he was 5 ... it was in his uniform pocket when he changed after school one day. I questioned him and he said he just wanted it. I explained the reason why he needed to take it back the next day and he did. I didn’t tell parents. He trusted me completely after that and as far as I know has never repeated the misdemeanour. But I realise 5 and 12 year olds are at totally different stages of development.... lying can become a nasty habit at that age ,especially if they are not ‘caught out’. Let’s hope your grandson has learnt his lesson. Perhaps less teasing (from you (which I abhor) ...... will make some difference.

I agree with Oopsminty. Competely.

I dont agree with the posters about the teasing not being good. Its something you have been doing some time and its obvious that the kids know that there actually is chocolate. And at 7 and 12 they are ild enough to know that there is chocolate for later and to wait!!

I would still cook him the steak and chips but the next time you go to his house I would not take him any chocolate. Give it to the other two and if he comments simply say you had two bars the last time. Last time you went one of the other children missed out or they had to share and only have one finger each. Give them an extra bar to share. I would leave it to him to complain to his parents....or not.....as he chooses to do.

Can I just comment that actually I remember about 11 or 12 taking coppers from my mum's purse and sneaking biscuits from the tin (they were about the only sweet thing around). I stopped when I felt happier.
trisher I agree about the part about feeling happier. It's a very anxious time for this age group, new schools, new peer groups to get used to.
I don't think, if handled correctly in the way most posters have said, that it will become a bigger issue at all. It's been dealt with, best to move on now.

What a storm in a tea cup. You teased him in the first place so he helped himself. Let it go. It's not worth the hassle.

As a parent I would want to know, so I side on tell them.

I’d still cook the promised meal though

next time . dont give them the option of helping their selves.your bag is private.you could have a hunt the chocolate game.my gs is a magpie....several things have ended up in his pockets.i make a game of it .saying i thought i had something .but all knowing i know he has taken it.he's only 7...and i say you know what happens to little boys that take things without asking?. no he says ,well says me he doesnt get any next time.problem solved..i would cook him his special meal...be wise ,and not have anything chocolate or otherwise in your bag. infact put your bag away from prying eyes..

I stole a doll from a friend’s house when I was a little girl, my friends mother obviously realised it was me, and contrived a way to get it back without involving my parents.

She spoke to me about it, but not unkindly, I remember her kindness, and I don’t think I ever stole anything again.

Just forget it.

Cook him the steak. Don't mention the "incident" again. When you next visit, either don't take chocolate or hand it over to a parent when you get there to give to the children when they see fit.

Probably best to avoid the temptation for them to be rummaging in your handbag.

If he did take it, the chances are that he feels guilty as hell about it anyway. I can still remember a few incidents where I didn't exactly lie - but was economical with the truth - to my parents. They would assume that my brother was the guilty one and I perfected the art of a concerned, yet innocent face!

I think you should let it go. My concern is that your dgc are allowed to help themselves from something as personal as your bag!! This has never happened in my family, even my dh wouldn’t take anything from my bag. It’s a respect thing surely, same as nobody close to me would open my post. Apart from putting temptation in the way of young children - it’s an invasion of your privacy. We are a very close family and very open minded but my handbag, like my underwear drawer are off limits!!

I don't believe in perpetuating a punishment. You've had a word with him and despite his denials, he probably feels guilty as hell. Say no more about it and let him have the steak.

I would say nothing to his parents on this occasion.

He knows that you know, so it is unlikely that he will do it again.
it is also important that you do not enable this behaviour by having open access to your bag.
This is an unhappy little boy, he may be self-soothing with the chocolate.
Give him the steak, tell him you love him very much and reassure him that you are always there for him.
You could mention that you had a feeling that he has not seemed very happy lately. The areas of unhappiness at his age tend to be bullying at school, struggling to keep up at school, changing friendship groups, boy or girlfriend issues,
gender identity issues or trouble at home.
If he feels he has a safe space with you he might open up.

I’m kind of baffled by all the advice to remove temptation of the bag.

Shouldn’t the focus be on “not stealing” vs “don’t tempt him”? It’s not a victims job to prevent theft. Don’t steal.

Great advice to stop the handbag game. Give him steak and a shed load of chocolate and tell him after dinner u r stopping choc game and why.
Try and get him to talk to you.
There is something far deeper going on here.
Remember you are gran, remember your role an honour his parents, keep them in the loop. Dont keep secrets from then, its not fair.
Tell them what happened, tell them your plan and tell them you intend to tell them everything.
You have to be United on this.

*BlueBelle•. Sorry if my comment offended you. I’ll try to check with you personally first before I comment on anything here. ?

Grandyma I agree.

If a child is brought up to think it's fine to go through a handbag then he/she may well think no handbag is off limits.
Anyway, I keep medication in mine, it could prove quite dangerous for a younger child to go rifling through.

The more comments I read, the more I feel I’m out of step with you all. I think this is such a mountain out of a molehill situation.
The boy took a bar of chocolate out of his granny’s bag, maybe a bit cheeky, but I’d hardly class it as stealing.
When you consider what some twelve year olds are up to, consider yourself very very lucky.

I must be reading the comments differently as most seem to think it's done and dealt with, move on.

It's more than cheeky, it's rather sneaky but I'm sure he has realised that now.
The more worrying thing is that he has got into a habit of lying to his parents. Why does he feel the need to do that? As the oldest, is he overly chastised? Made to feel responsible for the younger ones when he wants to be free? Or is there a problem at school with other children?