Husband is reluctant grandfather

Hmmm I really don’t like the sound of this, especially since you say you are depressed. Maybe need to talk to someone professional about this and any other issues. Have you got a local centre you could refer to? Or failing that a sensitive doctor?

Personally I would tell him to take a running jump. Here's a grumpy old man who wants all the attention for himself and there's a question as to whether you should pander to him? If you give up your GC you will never get that time back with them, your life will be the worse for losing that experience, and will get no better because grumpy old men do not become more palatable - rather they just become worse - Please, please do not massage this man's ego any more by even considering ditching your time with your GC and don't move outside to have them elsewhere - you are not married to a demi-god and he will not improve if you give up your GC but rather simply rein you in even more as he realises he can control you. And he's never going to be able to replace you because nobody else will put up with him, so stand your ground and enjoy your children. Tell him he has to grow up.

I think the grandchildren issue might be the tip of the iceberg here. It sounds like you are at breaking point in the relationship, if you have reached the point of wishing you were no longer living with him. Couples counselling would probably help but I doubt your husband is the type of man who would contemplate this. I lived with a similar man and in the end I left him as it was becoming more and more toxic and I was getting dragged down by depression.
Remember if you are married you have rights, and don't have to resign yourself to an unsatisfactory relationship purely on financial grounds unless you don't want the inevitable drop in both parties standard of living. Only when I realised that by tolerating and finding workarounds I was the 'enabler' of the behaviour could I look for a solution. Only you can know what is best for you.

The temporary fixes of looking after grandchildren in their own homes is a good idea but probably won't resolve the bigger issues.

An attention-seeking man. Rather pathetic. Hope he isn't controlling too. The whole situation needs to be addressed as you don't sound very happy with how things are. Is that how you envisage the rest of your life to be? Maybe get some professional advice as to how to deal with this as things cannot continue as they are.

Some men don't really want to be with very young children and babies - mine certainly didn't and played little part in our own children's upbringing until they were older. Neither of us was keen on having children when we married but then I changed my mind big time, whereas he stuck to his original feelings. Now our youngest grandson is 6 and my husband has suddenly changed his attitude. He plays ball games with him and is teaching him to play chess! Perhaps your husband will change like mine has. In the meantime, I'd talk to him about how he feels, tell him you understand that small children aren't his cup of tea, give him a big hug and promise to look after his grandchildren in their own home so he can have a lovely quiet period of 'Me Time'.

This man sounds like he is emotionally insecure - being jealous of 2 tinies? Perhaps he is actually frightened of them - not knowing how to relate to them, fearful of the responsibility of care, or just selfishly defending his territory. Lots of men go through jealousy and resentment when their own children are born - being pushed down the order of importance in the mother’s life. My father disliked children and watching him not interacting with his small grandsons took me back to my childhood. I cannot abide babies - learnt that with my own - but once they’re walking and able to have a chat I’m fine. I’d much rather have a stroppy teenager about the house (or festering in their midden of a bedroom). I hope your husband isn’t on the edge of coercive and controlling behaviour, that is totally unacceptable. Just go to your daughter’s twice a week and enjoy your grandchildren, if grumpyguts moans perhaps he needs to address the issue with the help of a counsellor or therapist (haha, a man acknowledging they’re the one with the problem) If you continue to struggle maybe consider talking to a counsellor yourself, it could help you organise your own thoughts and emotions. Does he know how you feel? Can you have a heart to heart? All the best

You would never have believed my FiL had had any children, let alone the generous number he had. Whilst our's were small he constantly showed irritation and an over zealous care for MiL that she wasn't tired by them. As they grew older, spoke more clearly etc he warmed to them much more. He always had hearing problems and their high voices were out if his range mostly, plus any more than one person talking meant he couldn't follow a conversation. He was old school, but actually a lovely man despite this! My DH is now also experiencing similar hearing problems. He adores our GC but finds the loud noise that accompanies them tiring, trying and disorientating, but is very keen not to become grumpy like his father was in their company. Is this a possible clue in your situation OP? When we take ours out into a clear space, not maybe a noisy swing park, where they can run around and we can chat to one each he comes into his own. Equally getting out huge bits of paper and paints, or similar, where the 2 year old could concentrate and interact with him, whilst you look after the tiny one might help their relationship. I'm all for calling out a childish grumpy old selfish man, if that's what he is, but it is also worth spending time trying to see if in fact there is an underlying problem beyond those assumptions. I also feel sometimes that some grand are keen to wind up OPs further and love the idea of OPs stomping out, leaving, behaving as if they're on EastEnders. You will know OP if he is just a waste if space, or whether he is worth having a sympathetic look at in case his grumpiness is masking an unhappiness of a more forgiveable source.

This sounds like a boil that has festered for a long time.
Remove yourself & grandchildren to their home for care.
It's your choice what to do next.
Anything is better than living with a person like this.
They will never change or give an inch.

Grand? Grans obviously and sorry for mixed up Os and Is!

Ilovecheese

Could you look after them at your daughter's house both days.

Absolutely the thing to do. If he doesn’t like sharing then he can go without you completely. What an **.

My ex husband resented our daughters and wouldn’t share space or time with them. This changed when I divorced him but it was too late by then and they didn’t really want to spend time with him as he was a virtual stranger to them and thought it was weird that he suddenly wanted to be part of their lives. All very sad.

I'm so sorry to hear about these problems and realise that most of the other posts could be accurate assessments of the situation.

BUT, have you considered early dementia? Hearing loud noises can be very wearing and reasoning ability is often lost without any other changes that can be recognised easily. This often progresses to outbursts of inexplicable anger and your DH may be at this point.

Just a thought but if this is the case then avoidance is your best bet. The idea of spending those days at their home may be the most effective solution.

Good luck {flowers}

Your husband is behaving like a jealous spoilt child who likes to be the centre of your attention. So treat him like one. When he grumbles and shouts tell him to sit on the naughty step or go to his room! If he's always telling your GC off they won't want to be with him anyway, it will be his loss.

Don't change your weekly childminding routine because of his behaviour. I'm sure your GC enjoy spending a day in your home and your husband will have to get used to it. It would seem that he thought retirement would be just the two of you. Will it isn't, and he'll have to adapt. At worst he could spend that day in the bedroom or his shed, sulking. But if he does don't make him cups of tea and feed him, he can fend for himself!

As for jealously resenting your friendships with other adults, point out to him that your world does not revolve around him, and that you're pleased that they enjoy your company and friendship. If he was not so miserable they might like him too. Does he spend time with his own friends? If he does then he has absolutely no right objecting to you doing the same.

My father was identical to this. My mother’s time with her grandchildren was tarnished because of it. Both dead now . Mum only relaxed if he wasn’t there. Dad was a selfish man who expected to be the centre of mum’s universe. There is no changing him now. I would suggest staying both days at the other home. It is what it is and won’t change.

My dad was the same with my children , he was not interested when they were toddlers but when they turned 5 or 6 he found them more interesting & taught them how to play drafts & played swing ball / football with them & card games . He just didn’t have any idea how to play with wed ones . They called him grumpy gramps .

Notjustaprettyface ; Can you look after your two grand-children at your daughters house both days, you may have to tell her the reason why or just say that they have everything they need in their own home environment. It may be the answer for the short time period.

In regard of your husband he sounds so selfish and the fact he has no interest in the GC and only speaks to them to tell them off is strange behaviour. What is their to tell off with two more or less babies one of two and a half and one of fifteen months. It is no wonder you said you would like to leave. I certainly would not give up my relationship with my GC and your husband needs to start behaving like an adult rather than a sulky miserable possessive resentful old moan.
I certainly would not put up with that.
I wish you well.

A lot of men can't connect with children until they are older and can do things with them.
Maybe he feels a bit useless and superfluous to requirements at the moment as you are dashing back and forth with them and it's showing up as a strange form of jealousy ?
He sees you doing things with and for the GC and feels you should be spending that time pampering to his needs!
Maybe try and encourage him to spend time with the eldest at least - reading a story or looking through a book with him might be a start - instigate a quiet time in the day, maybe when the youngest is having a nap, say that you need to get on and do something and just dump the GC on OH's lap with a picture book and leave the room - just peek back every now and then to check they are both ok.
Go out for walks , the 4 of you - maybe get a cheap buggy for the eldest to use and make your OH push it.
Perhaps he had distant grandparents so doesn't have any idea that it is ok to play with GCs so may need teaching how to do it.
If all else fails, find him jobs to do or suggest he takes up golf or bowls and begins to make friends outside the home- something that the majority of men are pretty useless at !

I don’t think anyone has commented that when they’re little they’re lovable and loving. In about 10 years they won’t want to know you! My grandaughter is now 15 and we very close up to the age of about 11, then she decided she was too cool for Nana…..(of course some grandparents have wonderful relationships with their pre-teen and teenage grandchildren) Hang on to your husband he may come in handy….

You say you feel like leaving, but your pension being small stops you. If you really want to leave, if you divorce him, you would be entitled to a 50% share of all pensions received by both you and your husband. Also 50% of all assets (the value of the house, savings, any shares etc). If this is what you want, speak to a good Solicitor, who specialises in divorce law, or at the very least, family law (Google will help you find that). Don’t you a local firm who do a bit of everything. My husband used one of those when his first wife divorced him. He ended up with a third of what he was entitled to. My divorce Solicitor was known as the Rottweiler. There was no need to savage my former husband, but she was extremely on-the-ball!

Was he a jealous husband when your children were born ? Just a thought. My ex was awful when our first child was born, resenting me breast feeding etc.

Might he grow to care more when they are both a bit older and can communicate with him better ?

Sorry I can't be of more help. I wish you well and think the idea of going to your daughter's both days is a good one.

I would be very worried about a jealous man who only talks to his grandchildren to tell them off.
I would certainly let your daughter know as it seems very unfair on the children.
If you are only staying because you can`t afford to move out then thats a different thing and sounds like the marriage is in trouble.

I thought that this was how my husband felt because he always seemed to be moody and irritable when my grandchildren were around. He felt that we'd done our bit bringing up our own children and he'd spent money buying decent furniture which wasn't going to be ruined by children. I found this a strange attitude because I loved my kids and their children so it was a bit alien to me. I'll be honest, I resented the attitude but I knew that he was generally a good, thoughtful husband and father so I had to accept he was entitled to those feelings. We had many discussions about how we could both get what we wanted and came to a compromise. I still had my grandson twice a week but I took him to somewhere he could play for at least a couple of hours on the days we had him so my husband could relax and have a break from the noise. (My grandson is autistic and made loud noises to self stimulate.) My husband kept out of the way when he was finding it difficult but would always come to help when I needed to use the loo or get DGS's meals and he would do it with good grace.
Of course I was disappointed that my DH didn't have the same patience as me but accepting that he found things difficult, acknowledging them and finding a way forward made a tough situation workable. If your husband is generally a good man, try to get him to work out a strategy which works for both of you. If he can't, perhaps he needs counselling to work out why he feels such deep resentment of your attention to other people.

@Germanshepherdsmum

The simple fact is that not everyone likes small children - I readily admit that I don’t and would be irritated if I were in your husband’s position putting up with them and the noise they inevitably make all day and the disruption of normal routine so I can see where he’s coming from. He’s not an ‘awful man’ he’s simply being honest about his feelings and perhaps he also resents sharing you. Can’t you look after them at their home both days? I shall now don my tin hat and retire behind the sofa.

I'm with you on this, I don't particularly like little kids and thankfully both of my own sons have promised me that they're never having any (phew! I don't have to pretend to be a doting gran).
I've got my tin hat ready, can I join you behind the sofa?

It's probably easier on everyone just now if you can babysit at your daughter's both days.
If you've already decided you don't want to stay with him, you should be able to get a good lawyer and work out how to manage financially if you separate/divorce.
If you want to try to address the issues and rescue your marriage, especially if your husband's resentment of time you spend with other adults is a relatively recent thing, you'll probably need some help.
He could have the beginnings of dementia or there could be something traumatic relating to his childhood or leading to feelings of abandonment that he may not even realise.
Can you approach him when he's relaxed and start a conversation ( without assigning blame at this point) about the fact you feel depressed but want him, you and the grandchildren all to be happy. See if he would consider counselling. If not, getting some counselling yourself could still help.
It's clearly not just about the grandchildren.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

I can sympathise with your situation.
My 3year old gs lives with us , as does our daughter.
My husband who has dementia, has always been a problem. He’s definitely jealous of my gs, or jealous of the attention he gets.
He can be nice to him, but he also tells him off for the smallest thing.
I do think people with dementia find the noise children make, hard to deal with.
My husband bangs doors when gs is in bed. Or goes to the toilet which is next door to ds room, and coughes. If we ask him not to, he will do it more.
It’s not an ideal situation. But we’re stuck with it.

The horrible thing is my husband was great when our children where small.