Husband is reluctant grandfather

Hello Harmonypuss. Yes plenty of space here, all welcome! It wasn’t a problem at all with my son, who was much wanted and doted on, but he was never a noisy child even when he had a friend round to play, but I have always found other people’s kids irritating. He and his wife don’t have children yet - I know I won’t find it easy if they do! Now I’m retired I enjoy peace and quiet and women who are always talking about their grandchildren and showing photos of them drive me up the wall!

Maybe your husband can leave the house when you have the grandchildren. A petulant little-boy attitude is a turn-off for me and my female friends!

I initially agreed with all those who said he was like a petulant child, then found myself with some sympathy for him with small children - cos although I looked after my Gkids when small, it didn't come naturally at all. Then I heard those of you who suggested the start of dementia, and wondered about that too. So I have no real advice, cos all are possible.

What more concerned me was that the OP feels depressed and thinking of ending the marriage. That can't just be down to the current (and re) situation but must be more deep-seated and she needs to question herself on why she feels the need for such a drastic step. I've been dithering myself on this issue for some years - and am still dithering.

Finally, I cringe when people give financial advice about separation and divorce. There are no hard and fast rules about the sharing of income and assets. True, 50/50 is a starting point but it seldom works out that way and a fight might be needed to get a fair share. That won't be easy and the uncertainty could add to the depression.

State benefits ARE there but may people fall just foul of the limits to claim and still can't afford to live independently in any degree of comfort.

Hang fire for a year or two would be my advice. Consider what others have said re caring for the kiddies at your DDs home and see if that helps. Maybe time will improve things.

Some women are Professional Grans and their whole lives and conversation seem to revolve around this one subject. It is so sad when people seem to lose all their
other interests.
I have 5 myself who I love to bits, but don't ram down other people's throats - having plenty of other things to talk about as well.
Get unwilling Grandpa to show toddler how to build brick house, or cars on the carpet. Get him to grow carrot tops and mustard añd cress for rapid results.

Ilovecheese

Could you look after them at your daughter's house both days.

I was thinking the same. He sounds so self centred, he simply doesn't deserve to be named a grandad because he isn't is he? Your love for your grandchildren will conquer his pathetic behaviour, I always remind myself that I'm not going to live forever so best not waste time eh? I would never give up my GK for spouse, he would not be considered in any way husband if he was so cruel, he must know he's causing you upset, shame on him.

Madmeg

I initially agreed with all those who said he was like a petulant child, then found myself with some sympathy for him with small children - cos although I looked after my Gkids when small, it didn't come naturally at all. Then I heard those of you who suggested the start of dementia, and wondered about that too. So I have no real advice, cos all are possible.

What more concerned me was that the OP feels depressed and thinking of ending the marriage. That can't just be down to the current (and re) situation but must be more deep-seated and she needs to question herself on why she feels the need for such a drastic step. I've been dithering myself on this issue for some years - and am still dithering.

Finally, I cringe when people give financial advice about separation and divorce. There are no hard and fast rules about the sharing of income and assets. True, 50/50 is a starting point but it seldom works out that way and a fight might be needed to get a fair share. That won't be easy and the uncertainty could add to the depression.

State benefits ARE there but may people fall just foul of the limits to claim and still can't afford to live independently in any degree of comfort.

Hang fire for a year or two would be my advice. Consider what others have said re caring for the kiddies at your DDs home and see if that helps. Maybe time will improve things.

Firstly please don't trundle out the excuse of 'early dimentia' as an excuse for appallingly bad behaviour, it is not the case and certainly not a hard and fast symptom either! Divorce? Don't be daft, why does everyone have to completely overreact to an old tosspot being pathetic by ruining their own life? If he's always like this and one feels enough is enough, kick him out! OR grow a spine and defend your rights to be a great Grandma!

Being a gran is so different to having our own children as times and method of child care has changed. All eyes are critical and the pressure is there.
Perhaps your husband has a hobby the children may enjoy when older, the prob is now. Children are exhausting both physically and emotionally and as we retire, peace and quiet is enjoyed & well deserved. It’s his home too and if he’s not enjoying the grand parenting experience then perhaps visiting the childrens home is advisable. All their toys etc are there and you can then leave to go to your own home in peace. I just stress it’s his home too..

Little grandchildren are a treasure to love and adore and yes they can be hard work but thats life. Your OH sounds selfish and is obviously not concerned that the GC may be upset with his attitude.
Yes it’s his home too but why can’t he just potter around or invest in a man shed. Why should you be forced to go out to see your GC tell him to make himself scarce. You are a gran in your golden years you should not have to put up with this. I could not imagine living with a man with a swinging brick for a heart.

I would leave him to his devises two days a week and have the children in their own home if possible.
My husband adored all our DGCs and helped me all the times I looked after them for my DD when she worked he took them everywhere with him,walking in Wales for the day from when they where 2yrs upwards such a hands on grandpa.
Have you thought of maybe taking the little ones to a play group or storytime at a local library so they can mix with other children and they are out of the house,I know you shouldn't have to do this but it may work.
This man sounds very controlling not something I would put with.I was very lucky to have such a caring man for 45 yrs.

He sounds like a huffy child. If you want to leave get legal advice. About finances

He needs his legs slapped and told to sit on the naughty step.
What a baby

I can’t help feeling that if it was his wife posting that he was totally wrapped up in his new hobby, held get-togethers at their house and was threatening to leave her if she didn’t join in, the answers would be very different.

?

Peasblossom

I can’t help feeling that if it was his wife posting that he was totally wrapped up in his new hobby, held get-togethers at their house and was threatening to leave her if she didn’t join in, the answers would be very different.

?

It is one day a week....

Bet it’s not?

Peasblossom - if it is only one day a week in their own house then he is being very unreasonable. And it is not a new hobby - it is his own flesh and blood.

The obvious answer is for OP to go to DD's house on the 2 days of child care. Then I guess he will grumble about being left on his own for 2 days a week! There is no reason why the OP should be deprived of the joy of having a close relationship with her GC; and if that does not interest him, then he can get on with things he enjoys on those 2 days.

But .... it seems that this is not the problem ...*He says that I ignore him when they are here and he resents that*. IN other words he feels he is entitled to her constant attention. Well life ain't like that - none of us have the right to someone else's undivided attention. Most adults understand that.

Well, it never hurts to stand on the other side of the tracks and see what the view is from there.

If he’s feeling unloved and irrelevant. That now that the OPs got her grandchildren, she really doesn’t care whether he’s around or not, then he’s absolutely correct in feeling that, isn’t he?

I mean she’s said she’s thinking of leaving him because he’s not measuring up to her idea of what a grandad should be. That’s pretty much the bottom line. Join me in being a grandparent or get out of my life.

One (actually it’s two) days of childcare does seem much, I agree) but perhaps it’s the underlying truth of you don’t matter any more that’s really upsetting him.

You do not need to look through the viewpoint of people who are showing abusive tendencies.

Sometimes men who feel their wives value their grandchildren more than them find a willing lady who is interested in them and only them. My relative found this with her DH. Not what she intended at all.

She had a very lucky escape. Most women nowadays dont want to be performing seals for their husbands.

Forsythia

Sometimes men who feel their wives value their grandchildren more than them find a willing lady who is interested in them and only them. My relative found this with her DH. Not what she intended at all.

Her husband was a POS that is why he cheated.

Not any of that was her fault.

What’s he done that’s abusive? That’s a term bandied around far to much when people don’t like being disagreed with?

He doesn’t want to play with them. Wouldn’t it be abusive to insist that he must or she’ll leave.
He hasn’t said they can’t come round. He has said he doesn’t enjoy it. Wouldn’t it be abusive to deny him the right to say what he feels?

He cant make himself enjoy the company of young children. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t, If the OP insists he does it anyway and he makes a poor job of it by telling them off, who’s was responsible for that?

Save accusations of abuse for when it actually is abuse or the term becomes so diluted that it loses its impact.

*When it is at my house , the atmosphere is very tense , my husband isn’t interested in the grandchildren at all
He only talks to them to tell them off*

Really not that hard to see what type of man OP is having to suffer living with.

Well that’s a bit of a contradiction isn’t it?

“He doesn’t want anything to do with them”

So where’s the tension coming from? The OP showing how dissatisfied she is with him? Insisting he does take part and then getting cross because he doesn’t do it “properly “?

Because he is making the house tense. He is then getting upset because the OP is not showing him enough attention for ONE day.

So overall it's not a large stretch to see that this man is a very unpleasant individual. And I do hope the OP researches what she is entitled to. As she will be able to claim half including his pension.

I agree Peasblossom. Unfortunately some posters can’t understand that some people are not interested in young children and find them annoying. It’s not a crime.