To young to be an interest grandparent

I totally understand this. We had our first child young but we rented a small flat and like thousands of others just muddled along.
I think in your position I'd try to help with a loan for the deposit for a flat and then they can work it out as a family. It may be best for everyone in the end.
I think with a young family of your own you already have plenty going on.

I agree with vegansrock.

I think it’s completely valid to tell your son that he and his family need to find alternate accommodation.

vegansrock

I think it will just prove too inconvenient to split homes anyway with a baby and all the palaver you need for them. They should stay at her mums as she is so keen.

I agree, I don't think it's a good idea at all.

Two cots, all the bedding, high chairs, all the other paraphernalia needed for a baby would be double the expense too. Who would do the caring when they are both back at work?

They need to get their names down for their own accommodation asap.

I too would be furious with her stopping contraception! Sounds very immature for someone of 21, I agree with you Lomond! If her mother is so keen she should indeed live with her! I think the lavish lifestyle won’t be continuing with a baby! And the fact of splitting living between two homes is just bonkers!

I know some contraceptives aren't always failsafe eg condoms but a belt and braces approach is always advisable.
The young man could have taken some responsibility and made more sure himself by using a condom.
Never assume anything.

M0nica thank you for your reply.
My son probably does have a sense of "inflated entitlement " as he has always had everything handed to him on a plate. I've never wanted him to struggle they way I did in the early days.
I have done everything in my power for him to have a very privileged life.

That is why I honestly thought he would have been in a settled relationship before bringing a child into the world. He knows fine well how much I have struggled to get where I am today.

He has never been brought up in a "closed shop environment" nothing is ever off the table when it comes to discussions. We are a very open family.

Thanks everyone for all the different comments and opinions

smileless no idea how old you are but the percentage of income ( not including the deposit) that goes on rent& rates is significantly higher now than when I first lived independently of my parents (I was 20). Today's rental & house purchase costs are not comparable to when I was stating out in the early 70s.
Life/ society was hugely different and what I had / did/ expected was also very different from my parents' experience in 1940s.

I don't withdraw my description of this couple as feckless.

To have a baby aged twenty when they are not even living together and presumably have never done so.
To have no experience of living independently, therefore no experience of the cost of living.
To lack a settled home of their own with apparently no plans to make one in the immediate future.
To expect both sets of parents to house them and a new baby, and presumably provide additional childcare whilst putting their plans on hold;
To think it is realistic to consider living between two homes provided by other people.
To be astonished that you are not overjoyed.

What really concerns me is what sort of parents this couple will make; they have put less consideration into having a child then most people put into having a dog.

Could both sets of parents help towards renting a flat for them?

I would be helping them to find somewhere as a matter of urgency.

There is no way I would allow anyone to make plans for my home, and how they intended to use it, son or not.

Total and utter understanding of this situation you are experiencing

I'm sorry to ask this question if you have already explained but how long ago were you told? I ask this because if it was recently, then you will be still in the shocked emotion, which is perfectly understandable.

By the time little Miss or Master arrives things may be totally different in your mindset.

Take each day at a time, try not to say harsh things to your son that once said, cant be taken back, have no regrets.

All will work out good in the end....

Thank you Serendipity22 we found out 5 weeks ago. Still all very new.

I'm not saying my mindset won't change but it all being thrown at us in a lump is hard to deal with.

I will support my son with ever fibre of my being. I love that boy more than life itself.

I hate that this situation has occurred so early on in their relationship.
I not doing "he said she said, he should have done she should have done "

My son is in no place to leave the nest yet. Be it all he's going to be a father he has zero maturity to leave home at the moment.
I would never force him to do such as I do not in anyway want his mental health to suffer.

I know he's stressed with this situation and although I've made my feelings clear I'm not having a family of 3 moving in my home, I would never force my son out.

i did not expect to become a gran at anytime, my son is with a beautiful woman that has a child and she did not want anymore, 4 years ago they told me they were expecting, i said that is great but he/she will call me by my first name, now everytime i see that smile my heart just melts, the child is b right as a button but non verbal and probably autistic, i would give anything to hear them say gran. the choice with your grandchild is yours, does your husband feel the same? they will need to find a place of there own unless her mum is happy for the baby to stay full time. why can't you have another child if that is what you want? i think you might regret not wanting anything to do with the child and possibly loosing your son because of it. i have had 2 lots of cancer over the last 3 years and my grandchild is why is i keep fighting.

You are entitled to think and feel however you want to.
Apart from your son's expectations and entitled views, is your house big enough to accommodate his new family? Did he actually ask you how you felt or if you would be ok with them living part time at your house? It seems one hell of an ask. It also sounds like you've got your hands full already.
It's so unfair in this day & age to 'expect' anything, everybody is struggling. I'm afraid I'd be saying 'if you're starting a family you need to take on the responsibilities too', it's not everyone's idea of fun having an extra person move in, not least with a baby.
I wouldn't want to lose my son but they've out themselves in this position, time to be adults. Let him move in with her parents & see how that works ?‍♀️, I think they're very niave. They can visit you xx

My son is in no place to leave the nest yet. Be it all he's going to be a father he has zero maturity to leave home at the moment.

Is there a reason for his 'zero maturity?

Are you expecting his girlfriend to live with her parents and the baby while your son stay with you?

I would be expecting this couple to find a rented flat of their own.
,I left school at 15 and left home, not to return, in the mid 60 s at 17 with no financial support from parents or anyone eise. I worked full time in London and lived in a bedsit with a greedy electric meter fir light and heat. My £5 wage didn’t last the whole week so when I ran out of money i had to into bed with a coat on to keep warm. This was an almost weekly thing. It was normal for me and everyone else who were doing the same.
I didn’t complain, it never crossed my mind that my parents should help with money and they never offered, I was independent and expected nothing.
Today’s youngsters have such high expectations of the expensive things they want, not need, the new kitchen/ bathroom, the particular brand clothes they buy, the area they have to live, fancy phones, holidays etc Etc. That’s fine if they did not expect their parents to stump up, and so we do. I am as guilty as anyone, but the first time my mum gave me any money at all was when I was 53.
Yes things are different now but do we not infantilise our adult
children by providing the things they want, not need, does that help them to stand on their own two feet? They are babied into their 30s, years after they reach adulthood. It does them no favours and does not let them learn how to manage what they have.
No doubt many will disagree with me, but how I lived as a young teenager, (I was not an adult til 21 ) was not unusual., many others did the same. We learned a lot about budgeting, the value of money and the pride of independence.

We were in this situation many years ago. My son was 21. They need to grow up fast ! I don’t know why your assuming he’s not mature enough to leave home? Our son left home into a very small rented house locally, they were both working full time with small wages. They managed, we bought them a washing machine a fridge and the odd bag of groceries here and there . By the time the baby was born they’d grown up beyond belief. Very hard to watch but so glad they survived. He’s a fantastic grandson, now grown up so very proud of them all.

Is it coincidence that the thread beneath this one is entitled: 'Where have all the Dads gone?'

Why do they not stay full-time at her parent's house? I would rather have an unpleasant time saying they are not living here than put up with them all moving in for who knows how long.

It would make me very angry that their decision to have this child impacts so many other lives.

Another one surprised you think son is too immature to leave home at 20. If not now - when?You say he's working, so presumably should be able to afford some kind of accommodation. If he did move out, on his own, and girlfriend stayed with her parents, they could work out whatever kind of shared parenting they wanted, but not in your house.

It's how you feel OP you are just being honest, you do not have old fashioned views.
Stick to your guns and let the girls Mother have her and the baby full time living with her.It was her desition to stop taking contraception. Saying that your son must step up too as it is his responsibility, but it is not yours.

Surely they can rent a flat and put
names down for a council house. As your husband has a good job can you lend the some money to start them off?.

A council house? I was on the list for 12 years, and that was with a child.

Yep.
I'm not sure where all these council houses are.

You'd think I'd know, really, wouldn't you?