To young to be an interest grandparent

When I was 36 my younger child was 6

I was pregnant!
I hope Lomond and her DH can carry on with their own plans, 36 is certainly not too old to be a parent.

Three of our dds friends all had a first child st 40 and 41 so 36 is no age, not these days. At 27 I had Old first time mother ( in Latin) in large capital letters on my file.
I was the oldest on the ward, most of the others were still teenagers. Times change.

As someone who has had three generations living in my home, I support you for not wanting this. It's very, very hard. I would say that, unless you have grown up in a family that had multiple generations living together in harmony, avoid it.

I also felt a bit young to become a gran. But being a gran is not the same as being a parent. You have no rights and no responsibilities.

To those saying "sign up with a HA" fine, but this will not work unless the couple are living somewhere that is considered "overcrowded". Also, many HA properties have rent that is very expensive, these days. I don't think there are any council properties and even a HA property is not a "cheap" choice these days. I would recommend that they live with her Mother. It will mean your son moving out (and that's a loss) but no doubt he will visit? And try to stay on good terms with her parents.

Do what you are comfortable with. No Grandparent should have to change their life plans because their child chose to reproduce. It's not your child. It's your Grandchild, so the responsiblity is once removed from you.

I’d be angry too. You have to hide this though and pretend all is ok in front of them. Can you have an honest discussion with your husband about all of this & solutions?
Can you sit down quietly with your son and tell him it won’t work to live between 2 homes with the baby- unsettling, expensive, disruptive to your autistic child etc. Tell him you don’t mind if they base themselves at her mums & visit you say on a Sunday. Better still would be if they got their own place- maybe as others have said you could maybe help with the deposit? Let us know how things develop as a problem shared etc……

My grandparents had a child after I was born, she and I are good friends it’s never been a problem for us so don’t see why it would be for you

My son and his girlfriend had children very young and as predicted the strain on them both has meant the relationship has broken down 9 years and 3 children later. However we did provide some support in order to give their children the best chance of having a reasonably stable home life. This child will be your grand child whether you like it or not. If you do not want to become estranged from your son, or be the cause of him losing shared residency, if the relationship dies not survive, I think you you should try help them find somewhere to rent in preference to them living 100% with your son's partners mother.
I do not think you need to get involved in their day to day childcare arrangements, but I think you need to keep a watching eye over your son's mental health under the strain of young parenthood. Suicide rates of young men are at an all time high.

There seems to be so much going on in your situation. Would you feel different if your husband was keen for another child? Also I’m thinking your son wasn’t planned so you’re maybe feeling a bit annoyed that the same thing has happened with him and his g/f? You will love your little grandchild when s/he arrives I’m sure but you have a lot to cope with at the moment. Give yourself time to think things thru and try and focus on any positives.
Also, there’s no reason why should let your son and his family live with you. If they both work they can surely afford to rent a place? They have got themselves into this situation and it’s up to them to deal with it.
Good luck ?

How is your relationship with your son (both you and your husband). Is he treated like an adult or a child? How big is your house.? Do the couple live totally independent of each other now? Do they “pay their way” when with you? If they work full time, what are they planning re childcare? Loads of questions, I know, but a good discussion is needed with both families. I think you are leaving it a bit late to sort out.

If I was in your shoes Lomond I wouldn't be so harsh....You sound very angry...Poor wee baby going to be here and will need loads if love from all the family...Yes set boundaries for your son & partner but give them a chance... You must have had lots of help when you were 16 and no matter what age you are you need support when you have your first baby...Grandchildren are a pure blessing and bring so much joy....

My son was 20 and his girlfriend only 17 when she got pregnant - my youngest was only 10 and my son had always said he didn’t want children after he saw how much hard work our youngest was (special needs too so extra difficult!). However, they both work, she continued with her education as well as holding down a job and they have both shown enormous maturity - far more than I imagined. I am not a hands on grandparent - I am very happy for her mother to be as I also work full time and more, and have a very full life, but also love the relationship I have with them all and especially my granddaughter who is now 4. I get to take her out for days occasionally and spoil her and I call her my mini me as she is so like me and my side rather than her mums side. She is such a little sweetie and I couldn’t imagine now being without her. I was very happy when they lived at her mums for the first couple of years til they could get a place together which they have done, and I support them how and when I can. The most important thing though I would say is hold your judgement - they could yet surprise you and you don’t want to put up barriers that can’t be undone later. I am proud of both my son and his GF of how they have coped - and no I wouldn’t have said that at the beginning.

I met my husband at 16 got married at 17 he was 19 and we’re still together. Had 1st son at 17 next two sons 21 and 26.;grandma at 46. We worked at everything and hit life’s ups and downs celebrating 45 years of marriage next week. It’s about how you feel and the relationship that you have. I hope they both surprise you and do well. Need to get there own place though I agree.

What a rotten situation. They must take responsibility for their own baby. Of course you will support them when you can , but not by having them live with you. It sounds as if you have enough on your plate.
The baby needs stability and if her mother is happy, that’s where they should be.
Tell your son to take his own measure for contraception in future.

It sounds like some family therapy may help. A safe space where you can all express your thoughts and feelings and try to find a practical resolution. If both the new parents are working could you all help them find a flat and organise a proper childcare rota. They probably need to live independantly to allow them to take responsibility for their own lives. Good luck I completely understand your feelings and I think they should be respected,

Im thinking...maybe your hubby did not want any more kids in first place and this has given him a get out clause for that? You need to talk things over with him too.A child with autism can be hard work, and he/she is still only 5- so that child coming along when your son was 15 may also have been a surprise- and hard for your husband.So now he's saying no to any more.I've a feeling he may have said that anyway- but news of the imminant grandchild may be his 'excuse' now? But, that aside- your perfectly in the right to say you dont/can't have them living half the time in your house- work with the girls parents to either help them get a place of their own- or could they stay in her mums house full time till they 'find their feet'? My eldest son & his then girlfriend found themselves having a baby years ago- they lived full time at my house till after a few months they moved to a place of their own not far away- i then had his siblings at home (4 of them) youngest was a baby)Now years on they have been married a few yrs and have a nice home of their own and 4 kids.my own 'baby' is 19 next week.my other next youngest is 23 and these 2 have always been uncles from birth as i have older AC too.The family find it amusing.(i remarried)It didnt stop me loving any of my older GC when they arrived, and its a different,but special, relationship.?

You will change when you have your first cuddle with your grandchild. I know several families where the grandma has children and the daughter has children too. They can be companions for each other. You will change

If you have your children young then you can expect to be a young grandparent.

Oh dear, you do sound angry and very worried. Perhaps when the baby arrives you and your husband will accept this little bundle of joy?
It’s amazing how young couples change and fingers crossed become more responsible when a baby arrives. Our own daughter did.
Does your son pay rent etc when living with you? If they have both been allowed to live a lavish lifestyle at your expense then it’s time for a reality check.
Communication is the key. All of you need to sit down and talk through all your concerns etc. including the girlfriends parents.
I really do wish you luck and a happy outcome for all concerned.

Lomond, this must be quite traumatic to you. You may find it difficult with an autistic child but the drive to have another can be all consuming and somebody taking that option off the table without so much as a by your leave must be very hurtful. Personally, I wonder if this is the excuse your husband needed if he wasn't 100% on board with another child. I know that when I was desperate for another child, my husband supported me 100% in that but if we hadn't had one, he wouldn't have been inconsolable. He would have seen it as an opportunity for us to have other experiences.
One thing that stands out is that you are being pushed into major decisions without any say. Is your life normally like that? I can't help thinking that if you do something you really don't want to, you will be resentful and that will cause more problems in the long terms. Write a list of the pros and cons so that you can look at things realistically and have good arguments in a discussion, which you will inevitably have to have, at the ready. Don't be swayed by emotional blackmail. State your case as calmly as you can and have some compromise up your sleeve wherever you feel you can compromise. You also need to state your case with love for your son and his baby. If you sound cold, you risk estrangement. If you don't think you can do this face to face, write a letter to both of them so you have time to refine it.
Having your own baby while you have an autistic child to consider, having somebody else's baby and their girlfriend is another. At the end of the day, your son is an adult who could look after himself if push came to shove, your other child cannot.
How does your husband feel about the girl and baby moving in? Do you have enough room for privacy or to give them their privacy? Who will pay the extra costs of this? Babies are expensive as you well know!
Do you have the money to get a counsellor involved in this conundrum? Maybe they could help you and your son pick your way through this minefield.
This is a very difficult situation. In order to give our second son and his very young family stability, we did take them in for 6 months. We charged them a decent rent but set it to one side so they had a deposit for their own flat. I won't lie, it was bl**dy difficult at times. His girlfriend was difficult, our son was a walkover and the baby suffered with her temper. When the stress came too much for us as a family, we gently moved them on. Sadly, a month later the relationship broke up and she moved 250 miles away so I rarely see my grandchild now but he has now reached adulthood and he is talking about coming back this way. That 6 months did cement a good if not distant relationship.

Lomond, I agree with everything GSM has said. You don’t have to house them, even part time. The girlfriend was devious in stopping contraception but too late to change that now. You’re still working full time and have a young child yourself so let her mum provide housing and hope they grow up enough to stand on their own two feet soon.
Regarding your own wishes for another baby there’s absolutely no reason for you not to as long as your husband agrees of course. I had two adult daughters, one married with her own small daughter when I became pregnant (planned) with my second husband at the age of 46 so my son has a niece two years older than he is. Being a grandmother is not a reason. Good luck and hope you get it all sorted. Lots of good advice on here, also some purely sentimental, take your pick.

A heart to.heart with the other mum? On.neutral.territory always works best. Late in the day you have said your 5 Yr old is autistic. Your hands are already full but I can understand your wanting another child. Could you say to other mum,

" I.am.struggling but want one more child myself. Could the couple live with you? They could come to.me just for weekends or if you need a break?"

Hope it all.works out for all concerned. Keep talking, keep
Your voice low, Keep.your temper. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

It doesn't 'compare' - ìt is a DIFFERENT type of love, a grandchild is different to a child of your own.Its a special relationship.One you're not privvy to until you actually become a grandparent.??

Lomond. You're a practice manager, your husband is a gp so you'll both be used to sorting out problems. I think you're feeling 'out of your depth' with your problem. I would tell them to find their own accommodation (maybe you could help with the cost?)

I am with you all the way.

Your son and his girlfriend are young, yes, but so were you when you had your son, and I am guessing that you did not sponge on your parents or in-laws.

Neither should they.

To put it crudely: they were old enough to sleep together, so they were equally old enough to either have bought a packet of condoms or to accept responsibility for having a child on the way now.

And that in my book entails them getting of their backsides and down to your local housing authority and getting themselves some accomodation before the bairn is born.

They are in work both of them, so much better off than many young parents. They can start saving now, and a rented flat may take all of one wage, but not all of both their wages.
They may be entitled to some benefits too, so point out that Citizens' advice is open for business..

Do not give in to this stupid idea about them living with you, either full-time or part-time. If her mother is as you say over the moon about her young daughter being pregnant, let her help.

Tell your son you are sorry that you have apparently brought him up to feel that the world owes him a living, and that you forgot to include the basics of sex and responsibility for one's actions in his upbringing.

To make up for these omissions, you will help him find accomodation, but he pays for it.

Leave your husband to stew in his own juice for a while. He probably wasn't expecting this bombshell either. You were not planning on another baby until next year, so leave all discussion of that until next year.

My sister had just had her 18th birthday when her eldest was born, and became a grandmother 20 years later when her younger daughter started a family. Like you, my sister said, "I am too young to be a grandmother" (to me, not to her daughter) to which I replied jokingly, " well you should have thought of that 20 years ago and she laughed.

She did however come to love her grandsons, but wisely left their rearing to her daughters. Not that they asked for help, either.

You are feeling overwhelmed and perhaps grieving for the child you may decide not to have in the future. You may also be feeling trapped, angry and bitter. These are perfectly normal feelings to experience under the circumstances.
Don't be hard on yourself. I suggest you sit down one evening, maybe when everyone has gone to bed and sit at your computer and write down exactly what you are feeling. This will externalize your feelings rather than having them spinning around in your head.
As a practice manager, you will have undoubtedly helped many people in similar situations. You could step out of the situation and think of how you would advise everyone involved to proceed.
If you could write down the main reasons for not wanting to
move forward in the way that has been assumed, ie disturbance to your youngest child, although in fairness your youngest child might love having a baby in the house. Your feelings of being trapped and maybe of missing out on your own youthful years, twice, if these two young people set up home in your home.
When you have a coherent explanation of your feelings print off a copy for each adult member of both families who will attend a joint family meeting to all work together to find a solution.
Extra domestic help would definitely be required if you are working full-time. Having shopping delivered, two washing machines, two dishwashers, rotas so that everyone in the house old enough to do something towards running the house has a specific role. Think of yourself as the CEO of your family. Delegate, manage as you do in your professional life. The talents you already have are waiting to be deployed, it is not all down to you. buying in help will make sure that you are still fun to be with and not turning into a martyr.

When I found out my first grandchild was on the way I wasn’t very pleased, let alone enthusiastic. I was older than you, 48 but I didn’t feel ready to be a grandparent.luckily they already had a rented house! My DIL was a bit of a drama Queen and went to hospital on numerous occasions for things that amounted to nothing. I rolled my eyes and dreaded the birth, trying to pretend to be happy about it all. Then my granddaughter was born and everything changed. I fell in love with her. I even had her overnight on regular occasions and looked after her for a year when her mum went back to work. Don’t have them to live with you, and there’s nothing stopping you having another baby, I know plenty of families with aunties and uncles younger than nephews and nieces.