To young to be an interest grandparent

They live a lavish lifestyle and so they assume you owe them living quarters because they have no money. Well, you don't. Your son is old enough to have moved out, by now. Just because you had him at 16, it does not mean that he can use that as emotional blackmail. Rather, it means that he can follow your example and become an adult, as soon as possible.

Unfortunately you don't get a choice about being a grandparent but you do get a choice about how you live your life and who with. You have a second family with your husband and you need to concentrate on that first. Your son and girlfriend have chosen to become parents and now need to begin to deal with all that is involved and if you don't want them with you say so, if you don't feel ready to be a doting granny then don't be one.

I feel for you. Stick to your guns. GF stays at her parents. Politely tell them both living with you is not on. Wait to talk about more babies of your own, you may be in an emotional Soup especially if your 5 year old has special needs. A GP aged 39 is hardly “pipe and slippers”. New babies don’t necessarily capture youth. You are so so young a d I hope you can enjoy your life and carve space for yourself. Your son needs to mature - maybe start by him doing everything when GF visits at weekends. Love is not indulgence, as you know, love means teaching too. Good luck.

Kwest- why would they need 2 washers &2 dishwashers???

My hear goes out to the OP. Out of kindness and love, she’s allowing her son to box her in with the “well, you did it, so why can’t I” approach. The obvious answer to this is “I was sixteen years old and the choices I made then are not necessarily the choices I’d want you to make”
She is perfectly entitled to say “I have my life and I want to live it on my terms.” She is not obliged to be a free nanny and needs to say so.
Having had her son so young she hasn’t had much freedom in life. She is a young woman and her son is an adult.
I can see two practical solutions. One is to say, “of course you can live here while you are finding your own place. And I do expect you to pay your share of bills and some rent. We will review the situation when baby is 6 months old by which time we’d like our home back. We are under no obligation to house you indefinitely.”
The other solution is to get pregnant herself in an “oops” moment. This will infuriate everyone but they can’t do anything about it and the prospect of sharing a home with another baby might make the happy couple think twice.

IMO, humble as it is, I can completely understand where you're head is at. You are young yourself and perhaps completely she'll shocked by the news. It's difficult to know your situation and circumstances but I understand your uncomfortable feelings. I think you should talk to your son and his girlfriend so you all can be open and honest about the situation.
No-one can ever really know how they will feel when life throws you a curve ball. Baby will arrive, he/she didn't ask for any of this and,who knows, you might change your view.

" shell shocked" not "she'll shocked" ?

The young parents-to-be need to first sit & work out what they earn, what they've been spending, & where they can cut right back- so they can see how much they can afford to rent for? A private let may be their only solution at moment- perhaps you & your husband can lend a deposit? Or if not is her mum willing to have them all there till they save up a bit? (But I'm thinking a practice manager & a G.p aren't exactly broke so can actually lend a deposit?) Then you (both sets of parents) can give them bits &pieces to set up home etc.or if sons staying at home, maybe HE can be the one who spends half a week in GF's mums house? Rather than ship a baby backwards & forwards etc.? I really don't think they've thought it through much? Help them to do so.Tell them you can help practically and perhaps partly financially, if you can- re deposit.But not have them move in as a family.Then help all you can.I'm sure you will love this GC when it arrives, regardless.As i said, its a different type of love.?

Sarahcyn- the suggestion of the 'oops' moment baby is an appalling idea- almost as irresponsible as the young prospective parents have been.It might also cause a rift between the OP and her husband.She has enough problems without ending up bringing up a baby & a autistic young child on her own.And also her other son& his young family on top.??

Lomond - First of all, shut your ears to anyone who says 'you should ...' and there seem to be some on this thread. The way you feel is perfectly normal and you are completely entitled to those feelings and to want to protect your own home from the intrusion of both your son's girlfriend, and his baby. You sound as though you and your husband both have busy and demanding jobs, it is unreasonable of your son/girlfriend/girlfriend's parents to believe it's OK for your home to suddenly expand, by default. If this were through your choice whether it be by another child of your own, or because you wished to invite your son and his girlfriend to live with you that would be fine.
There's a sense of entitlement coming from your 20 year old son which is misplaced. You've brought him up to get a job, he's spending his money without a care. You've done your job with him. Does he pay rent?
My suggestion to you as a psychotherapist, is to call a meeting of both families, explain to everyone your wish to preserve your lifestyle and privacy - they can't go ahead with their plans without your agreement - and then explain also your misgivings which are very real, about the idea of a child growing up in the nomadic environment of half the week at one house and half at another. I realise this will meet with horror from some gransnetters who will say and believe that children can grow up quite happily in such an arrangement, but I know the likelihood of this and it's not high. Many of my clients have spent their childhoods in this way, never knowing where to call home and who to attach to.
If you and your husband, and your son's girlfriend's parents agree to this arrangement you are enabling their continued frivolous behaviour and sorry but it is frivolous to become pregnant and then expect two sets of parents to step in. They both need a wake up call, a flat of their own, pay their own rent, and take responsibility for their own child. This is a purposeful decision they have made - if the pregnancy is well on its way they've chosen to go ahead with it - their irresponsibility should not become your responsibility.
None of what I've said implies that you won't grow to love your grandchild. Nor does anything you say imply that you are blaming the unborn child. The people with responsibility are your son and his girlfriend, and the two sets of future grandparents who need to allow these two young people to enter the real world and take ownership of their actions..

Once grandchild is here you will feel
Different and I will
Also add… being that you are the paternal grandmother you will find eventually you might get sidelined anyway.. this often happens, not always but is more often the case. Sounds like your just annoyed atm and I would see how things progress, don’t say how you feel to your son as it will come back to bite you. Talk to your husband about your feelings on having another child and that you are unhappy with a grandchild being the reason not to.

Your son is 20, he’s an adult and becoming a father so he needs to step up and take responsibility. They both have jobs yet continue to live in both parents’ houses!?! Wtf no wonder you’re upset, I would be too! You know what’s going to happen - they’ll continue their selfish lifestyles, sponging off both sets of parents, going out and leaving you to babysit.
Let him leave and go and live full time at her parents’ if that’s what she wants - better still, find their own place and start nesting for their new little family.
You’re more likely to bond well with your new grandchild if there is some distance and you have a grandparent role, not a surrogate mother. You long for another child and at 36 this is perfectly reasonable. If you get your skates on you might find your new child and grandchild are close enough in age to be playmates. This is not unknown. As for your husband, you and he need a serious talk about what sort of life it is you both want in the next 15 years…..

I am going against most of the replies you have had. Okay you had your son at 16 years old and brought him up well. You are still young at 36 and that is great in fact I had my first child at seventeen so not much difference in age from you.
My child however did not choose to make me a grand-parent when she was 20 years old but I damn well would have supported her and would have been happy for the news about a grand-child on the way.

Personally your line where you say " I have zero interest in this grand-child and want absolutely nothing to do with it" does sound harsh and selfish. This coming child did not have
any choice about being brought into this world and in fact is just an innocent part in this.
There are thousands of people in the world that have tried to conceive and have paid thousands for IVF and would give anything to be in a position to have a pregnancy also who knows what is around the corner this baby could be born and then something could happen in your family where for instance your son might not be able to father another child.
Walk away from a future with this child that is on the way
I would think differently if I was the person in your position.

How hypocritcal of you! This young girl has done no more than you did yourself, yet you condemn her and take the high dudgeon. You do realise, I assume, that in rejecting your grandchild you are also rejecting your son. If you are happy to lose him, then carry on with your self centred attitude and be aware that in years to come you may well regret your rejection of his little family

It sounds like there’s a lot going on here- many relationship issues that may not really have anything to do with becoming a grandmother but which are being exposed by this situation.

Your son’s GF has been staying every other weekend already and not showing courtesy and respect for your home which has built resentment. Their lack of care with money ( typical for their age) has built resentment. Are you also, perhaps, resentful your son hasn’t been more willing to ask his GF to show respect for you and your home?

It sounds like you and your husband have a separate conversation you need to have. Perhaps he’s only using the prospect of a grandchild to force a previously held preference for no more children on you. It might have more to do with you and him than with your son’s situation.

Please don’t project I’ll feelings you have about the circumstances of this precious child’s conception and birth onto him or her. It’s easy to do but terribly unfair.

I’ve found when I disentangle the threads of complex situations and try to honestly work through my feelings about each one I can usually find a way forward. All your feelings are legitimate but they may not actually all be stemming from the same source.

I hope you find being a grandmother more joyful than you can imagine right now.

@nannan2 yes it was a very irresponsible suggestion.

I haven't read the while thread but feel for you and can see things from your perspective. I was a young mum at 18 and struggled financially, my Mum was a gran at 41 and working. She was supportive but myself and my husband had to make our own home and our own way. It's hard to be strong and dole out some tough love. All I will say (having become a Nanna age 49 and again at 50) is you are going to love this babe and being supportive will give mum and dad of baby best chance at making it work (not suggesting they move in btw). Just my opinion. Ps like you still married to babies dad, 33 years and counting. Good luck! Xx

Lomond. It sounds like you are mourning the life you wanted your son to have. You can’t change anything though apart from your mindset. Time for them to grow up, take responsibility for their lives and their child. With your support, emotionally and financially it might all work out - there are no guarantees, However I would say as others have, please don’t have them to live in your house. Stick to your guns but keep supporting them and probably keep quiet on how you are feeling too. If they live with the other grandparents your life will not be so disrupted, you may not be so resentful and you may come to enjoy (and even love) spending time with your grandchild. Forget the ‘grand’ bit, this is a child who didn’t ask to be born but deserves to be loved and looked after.

I think the issue of your husband not wanting any more children might have arisen whether there was a new baby coming or not. Time to have a conversation with your husband - he has a right to an opinion too.
I wish you all the best in coming to terms with this, all (grand)children are precious. You love your son and I am sure that in time you will love his child.

I became a Grandma when I was 37 too.
You may feel that you’re too young to be a grandma, I’m sure that people told you that you were too young to be a Mum at 16 too.
Surprise! You aren’t too young for either.

My eldest DC was born when I was 16.
Like you, I built a good life for us, I have a degree, a masters and both my DH and I earn good salaries.

I haven’t read the whole thread.
However, I have read your posts @Lomond.

• One of the reasons that your son is both able to spend money lavishly and assume that he will live a comfortable life is that you have given him a comfortable life. There’s nothing wrong with that, you have done exactly what I have done. But you can’t expect him to know what it is to struggle. I’m assuming that, like me, you kept any financial struggles well away from your DC.

• You say that his girlfriend trapped him. Hold up a second there i) it takes two to make a baby, your son could have used a condom. He didn’t. Don’t deflect all of your frustration and upset onto the girlfriend. She didn’t ‘trap’ him, the uncomfortable truth is that he ‘trapped’ himself. Besides, when you had your son at 16 didn’t people, even those whispering behind their hands, say that you ‘trapped’ your boyfriend? It’s certainly something that people said about me at the time, which was laughable as I came from a wealthy household and would have been much more comfortable where I was.

• At the moment you are reacting. Take a breath, give yourself a moment. I guarantee that everything will look clearer a week or two from now. Until then, keep your counsel, think it through, talk it through with your DH. Try to imagine what you would say to a friend in a similar position. Be your own friend.

• If you don’t want or can’t have your grandchild living with you, then don’t. However, make it very clear from the beginning what you will and won’t do. If you say ‘yes’ now then change your mind that’s worse than saying ‘no’ now.

• Your grandchild will be a whole, new individual. Your relationship with them will be individual too. I would be very surprised if you didn’t adore them, entirely on their own merits.

• You say that you are considering having more children of your own, you can be a grandma and have your own baby too. Why not?

• However, you do say that you have a 5 year old with ASC and that you have enough to cope with. I wonder whether you really want another baby? Or whether you just want to feel that the option is open to you? In which case yes, of course the option is still open to you.

• Finally, most importantly, you won’t believe this now - but I promise you that everything will be alright. It will all work out for you, for them, for the baby.

I’m going to bet that you absolutely adore this grandchild.

Good luck.

Are you able to provide financial support as in half the rent of a flat for the children that are having children? Thus avoiding unwanted lodgers
I know that people have always had unplanned families but it seems the norm nowadays. There was a phase about 20 years ago when nearly every 16 year old girl had a child. The unborn child is lucky in that the father (your son) wants to be involved. too many children never know their father.
You may feel different when the child is born but surely the decision about your future child bearing years should be a joint decision between you and your partner. is it correct that it is a unilateral decision?
when I was a child my friend was one of 19.( 2 died at childbirth ). She was the youngest ( her mother stopped as she was widowed shortly after child birth otherwise there would have been more kids) but her nephew was 6 weeks older than her. I say that as it was obvious her mother never curtailed her childbearing years by the fact her son had decided to have children - his wife had miscarried before so she had been pregnant before her mother in law decided to have more children. Is the unborn child an excuse by your husband not to have more children as he never wanted more in the first place?
Whatever the outcome, i wish luck to you all as children can be a blessing but also a curse

You need to have an honest conversation with your son & his GF.
You need to do this matter of factly to talk about their expectations on you & your husband.
They need to realise that their "lavish lifestyles" will now be curtailed somewhat.
This will be your grandchild however you feel about it....a baby who is innocent

I became a grandparent at 38. It isn't ideal. Although it was my dd and not a son becoming a parent, I think that's different.
The parents and baby lived with me for a while.
Yes it was difficult.
I felt very lucky to have been able to bond with my gc right from birth.
I totally understand your concern that if you bond and they split up there's a chance the mother may withdraw access from you. Sadly that happens, but not in every case.
You must be terribly disappointed about not having another child of your own. I hope you and your DH can have further discussions around this.
Not everyone wants to be a grandparent, or a hands on grandparent.
Emotionally 20 is very young to be responsible for a child. Your son will need some support I'd imagine.
I have two GC now, they don't live with me and I'm happy to see them come and watch them leave when I'm exhausted.

Lomond - your life is your own, anything you choose to do for your son and family is completely at your discretion. I’m sure that you will help out where possible, but at twenty your son can organise his own situation .

I first became a grandmother at 60.
Then again at 70.
It was a shock to my system.

Believe me, the younger you are, the more energy you will have to cope with grandchildren.

My advice would be, your son and girlfriend live permanently with her parents until they can afford to buy or rent.
Why do they have to split up for half the year?

Something similar happened to a good friend. Her son fathered 2 children before he was 18. Same girl - he walked away, but then the girl met someone who didn’t want her children, so my friend stepped in and took them (under some pressure from Social Services). She did the best she could and now both have had babies - her GS at 16 and her GD at 17 and 19.
She’s very disappointed and says it’s like history repeating itself. She’s 65, her DH has MS and she’s chosen to have little to do with her GC and GGC now.