Unwanted gifts - advise needed

OP

I forgot to say: your child will soon tell you what she likes, it is so much fun to see their personalities develop

"Send a photo of baby wearing an outfit each sent when you can along with a thank you"

Horrible advice.

Your child is not a doll, not born to pacify anybody and sending that is reward grandparents' bad behaviour

Oh good grief!

I totally understand where you are coming from

Accept the gift, take a photo in a few outfits, sell or donate after the fact.

You don’t need to keep what you don’t like.

Your child is not a doll, not born to pacify anybody and sending that is reward grandparents' bad behaviour

I agree the child is not a doll and is not born to pacify anyone!! But "rewarding grandparents bad behaviour"?? The grandparents are being over enthusiastic yes, but surely a little allowance can be made for their understandable excitement.

Personally I think a photo is a harmless way of giving them a bit of pleasure and a way in to saying very clearly to both grandparents that the child really does have plenty of clothes and doesn't need any more. This can be followed with a discussion about the parents telling grandparent what might be helpful to buy rather than money being spent unnecessarily for things that are not needed!!

...and I think * Chewbaccas* suggestion of donating items to charities etc is a good one

You are rewarding bad behavior because
1. The receiver doesnt want the clothes in the first place.

2. By sending a picture with said clothes, grandparents will like it and may want more pictures like that with items they send - totally boycotting the efforts for presents to stop if grandparents do not like that boundary

I would just suggest seeing if there is a baby bank nearby, like a food bank but with baby stuff. Otherwise a charity shop may result in another poor mother being overwhelmed by grandmothers kindness, a baby bank supplies to those that really need stuff.

Just say thanks.
Job done.

MissAdventure

Just say thanks.
Job done.

I agree in a way but explaining that no more are needed and arranging a better way that suits everyone would be kind too

By sending a picture with said clothes, grandparents will like it and may want more pictures like that with items they send - totally boycotting the efforts for presents to stop if grandparents do not like that boundary

Not of a proper grown up discussion is had as I said above

My mum loved to buy my daughter clothes from their various travels. Mostly nice stuff, occasionally not so nice. But I was fortunate in that mum looked after her a couple of days a week and so baby wore the stuff I wasn’t too keen on then! I wouldn’t bother taking a pic and sending it to them - sounds like there’s too many to be bothering doing that. Pick out the more suitable and charity shop the others. An elderly lady I know did send us a really hideous dress and I did do the dress her in it and send a pic, but the dress was only worn for that day! Thankfully they grow out of things quickly and sick or poonamis can ruin things!! And before long they have their own very definite tastes!!

My lovely daughter in law accepts clothing gifts but if not liked they are worn once then never seen again. I realised early on and now gift money to buy outfits that she chooses herself.

Have a look and see if there are any brands you love - my nephews and nieces are often kitted out in joules, Boden, John lewis, Frugi and Legowear. My mother is then given fairly free reign to purchase within those confines. They are easily returnable, hard wearing and a bit different. If things aren't quite right then "they're the wrong size" or "duplication of similar item" is all is needed. I guess it's a little different though as my mother pretty much kitted out all her grandchildren and clothes get passed around them all.

Otherwise, you can try to explain (I had to with my in-laws) that you love them and would rather have something you can keep for a longer time than clothes allow, like a pram, beautiful bedding or blankets, wooden toys.

My in-laws purchased blankets ( not my favourite but with a sicky child I went through lots), then they were given the the car seat and high chair responsibility so I always had the best ??

Prior to the arrival of my first granddaughter, I looked forward to being able to buy outfits for her and even use my long-held sewing skills to make clothes. How out of touch I was! My granddaughter soon had far more clothes than she could possibly wear before outgrowing them and many items, bought by well-meaning relatives and friends, ended up unworn and with the label still attached! In addition, much children's clothing is now very inexpensive and often picked up as an impulse buy by young mums along with the weekly supermarket shop. Unlike my generation, who often passed on, and accepted, children's clothing that still had "plenty of wear" left in it, many mums today don't want secondhand. Despite what is being said here about giving clothing to charity shops, only a small percentage is sold and much of it is exported overseas as textile waste where it often ends up in landfill. The UK is the fourth largest clothing waste producer in Europe and grandparents buying unwanted/unnecessary new clothing for grandchildren must accept some responsibility for contributing to this. Every time I see an outfit that I think would look lovely on my granddaughter, I pop the equivalent money into a savings account. I'm sure she'll appreciate having that money to spend herself in the future rather than yet another sparkly unicorn T shirt now.

Good grief. I am a grandmother of 4 I have bought lots of clothes over the years - all have been accepted with thanks - and I have often seen my granddaughters wearing them. Not so much the grandsons. I get pleasure from choosing and giving. As I did when my children were small, I.m sure some were either returned or passed on. No problem. I was never rude either and always thanked people for their kindness - why upset anyone. I did take a load years ago to a sale and was surprised when all the hand knitted jumpers given by ML sold straight away - with requests for more. Why upset people just give thanks and be kind.

My daughter was broke just before Covid, and we called the bump the £10 baby as that was as much as we spent on anything...had bags of 2nd hand clothes going right up to 3-4. He popped out at just over 4lb, and we had great problems getting tiny baby stuff in the pandemic. Now my daughter says...'he only needs, vests, socks and pants' NOTHING else Mum' and we stick to it - he is now a very petite 2 year old.

Good luck, just tell them that you have enough clothes and you'll let them know what/when...and send a photo before charity shopping the outfit.

Thankfully my daughter generally likes what I buy or will take it back. If either grandparents are easily offended, just donate. Or if they are watching the baby put one of their outfits on. Sounds like you're not going to see them often. Good luck

As my DH was an only child, MIL had never had a wee girl to 'dress up' and went OTT with frilly dresses, pants, nighties, handknits, etc. I had packed a bag of gender neutral warm clothes including a cream coloured snow suit (It was January) for bringing baby home from hospital, but MIL replaced the items with her own selection of frilly dress, bootees, lacy shawl. This behaviour continued when I had a 2nd DD and for years eg, Expensive pink winter Coats and party shoes & frocks. These were not given in advance but presented to the girls when she arrived for Christmas dinner. with the demand that the DDs changed into them immediately. I had of course already provided winter coats and party frocks (all parties were before Christmas).

I eventually decided to insist that these unneeded clothes & Toys, were kept at her house, where she could dress the girls however she wanted when they were there for a visit or sleep over.

Congratulations!

To a certain extent both your mother and MIL are overreacting in their delight.

Don't discuss preferences and taste with them. Just say you have such stacks of baby clothes that please, please do not give you any more. No baby will be able to wear them all.

I would not mention the environmental issue either right now.

There is a slight hope that both grandmothers will realise that they have let themselves get carried away here.

And no, I don't think you sound spoiled - just uncertain how to deal with the problem.

Smile and say thank you, as you already have done, then pick out one or two things, whether you like them or not to keep and photograph the baby in once, or pop her into when you visit. Keep a couple of things you do like (or are less awful than the rest) and pack up everything else and send them to the nearest refugee centre for Ukrainian mothers and children, or to any other charity you want to support.

Don't tell the good ladies what you have done with the stuff.

If either ask, "Why have I never seen Baby in the beautiful sky-blue-pink dress I sent you?" later on when the child is actually here, you smile and say, "I honestly don't know which one you mean or where it is. You were so generous, you know." or look regretful and say, "Oh that one? It didn't fit her."

Tell them. But, as you have here, nicely. Your Mum must have an inkling by now your taste is different from hers. Repeat this to her and tell her if she would REALLY like to give clothes, (insert your favoured brands and colours/styles etc) or money towards your choice would be appreciated. Add that - minding, outings, reading to, little craft activities etc will be wonderful when DGD is a toddler, and that baby is a person - as you say - not A DOLL. Make sure your Mum, knows you will still love and appreciate her whatever! It is just stuff after all. Similar with adaptation to MIL. Also tell them both clothing gifts are not 'needed' money wise, so to keep them to few items and not frequent gifts. Reduces the scale of the problem for you, and keeps the specialness of 'a present from' Gran for your daughter.

ABC12, you sound like a thoughtful, caring person. Of course, your baby's dad will have an opinion on how to handle this, especially with his own mother.
I would say:
Don't set yourself up to fall. It doesn't sound like you would be pompous about it, but you could say that you are keeping things simple until your child decides for themselves!
Something like 'We know that our child is so blessed, but we hate to have so much wasted...' and ask for help with a solution.
Another useful phrase is needing clothes that are easy to look after.
I really like Grandmagrewit's post, and wonder if you could suggest something like that?
We suggested to GPs that we wanted to build a collection of toys that would last (and they have! Brio, Duplo, Lego etc) and could they help? We accepted graciously the odd daft purchase, and it was helpful. Our kids learned that shiny trendy toys don't usually last; but they were also occasionally able to join in with whatever the latest playground trend was.
You sound tactful, so you won't be using phrases that upset people or come back to haunt you like 'rubbish' or 'plastic tat'.

I also said that in such an uncertain world, savings could be very useful - and indeed they were. This doesn't disrespect the GPs but reminds them of the very real legacy they can leave.

As for the message sent by the 'single photo', well it could be that being kind to people is always a good idea.

I hope you have enough ideas to formulate a kind, but helpful response.

Assuming you have room, just say thank you and keep what you don’t like or don’t use until they’re outgrown anyway, when you can pass them to a friend or to the charity shop.

However you may find you need more than you imagine - sick, dribble and poonamis are often common in the early weeks and months, and you may find you prefer to let un-favourite things get puked and poohed on, rather than things you like.
At any rate, if anything’s badly stained at least you can chuck it with a clear conscience.

I have to put my hand up - I was guilty of this when my daughter was pregnant with my first grandchild.
She dealt with it by explaining that they were thrilled too and wanted the excitement of buying things for their baby. OK - it smarted a bit, though I never told them that. It made me realise that I had to rein things in and consult with them.
All the very best to you for the future.

I think that you have to be quite abrupt and to the point and say thank you but enough is enough or maybe take her shopping with you and make it very obvious if she picks up something in her taste , that no child of yours would be allowed to wear such a thing !
You have to realise that the gifts that are coming from a place of love.
If she realises that your child is never seen wearing her choice, she may get the message, but will be hurt and that could cause problems along the way,
I thought I was being helpful when my brother and SiL had twins. I used to buy clothes for them from budget shops, that SiL didn't mind, along with nearly new sales and jumble sales - most of which still had the tags on!
I was at their second birthday party and had gifted clothes and a friend of the SiL was inspecting them all over and had found one top that had a hole in the seam (that I had actually bought from Next) and loudly made a fuss, saying she wouldn't put her child in anything that wasn't perfect - SiL very loudly said "oh that's from my SiL , she is always buying cheap stuff from jumble sales for them !" I stopped buying clothes from then on.