Unwanted gifts - advise needed

kwest

I find the sense of entitlement astonishing in new mothers or mothers to be these days. Your children will absorb your attitudes. One day those same attitudes will come back to bite you.
Would it be so hard to learn a little diplomacy? Take photographs of the children wearing the baby clothes and find something nice to say. Then feel free to offer them to refuges.
It would actually be truthful and kinder to say that you feel guilty that your child has so much when children in refuges have nothing so you will make regular donations of clothes to the refuges and that sometimes the generous gifts you have been given will eventually go to the refuge.

Exactly.

My mil was (is) a hunter of bargains and used to turn up with bags full of stuff bought in sales. I'd just keep what we could use or liked and other stuff would quietly go in the charity shop bag.

No wonder this could be a source of conflict between relatives and parents of kids.

The grandparents think parents are entitled and viceversa

Lots of good advice in the responses. The tricky bit is balancing truth with diplomacy.
I agree you should say you're amazed at all the clothes you've already been given so won't need much more - but will still need to get pushchair, high chair, baby dishes, cot blanket...... or whatever you haven't yet got. Hopefully that might curb their new baby clothes buying.
You could then wait till you see them and say something like you've been chatting to other mums and thinking more about the environment and how new children's clothes don't get worn for long. Many of you are therefore planning on using mainly clothes passed on from others that are still in good condition. That's broad enough to be able to be truthful ( my daughter buys bundles off eBay for example and you haven't said you won't buy any new items). They should be hard pushed to complain about environmentally friendly principles.
Congratulations and good luck with the grandparents.

Congratulations. As for the clothes - tell them you could open a shop with the clothes you nalready have (yes, you could!) and to please, wait until you tell them you need clothes before they get even one pair of socks. They will not necessarily "obey" you, but you will have an excuse for not using the tawdries and the pinkies.

Congratulations ❤️ I’m about to become a granny again but it will be my oldest sons firstborn. I buy the majority of my grandkids clothes but have hardly bought anything for the new baby because d-I-l is quite particular. Nothing pink, nothing flowery, she’s more into second hand or homemade. Anyway everything I pick up I think ‘hmm, they might not like this’ so I just don’t bother…it makes me really sad and looks like I favour the grandchildren I already have.

Wow! Just wow! I can see that this generation of moms is planning on taking all the fun out of a new baby coming with all their politically correct rules about dressing and visiting and eating and not damaging the planet and such. Personally, none of my children ever expressed any of those sentiments to me when they had children themselves. If you can kindly say to someone not too much of this or not too much of that, then okay. Frankly it sounds like buying clothes for pregnant daughters is a minefield in England.

happycatholicwife1

Wow! Just wow! I can see that this generation of moms is planning on taking all the fun out of a new baby coming with all their politically correct rules about dressing and visiting and eating and not damaging the planet and such. Personally, none of my children ever expressed any of those sentiments to me when they had children themselves. If you can kindly say to someone not too much of this or not too much of that, then okay. Frankly it sounds like buying clothes for pregnant daughters is a minefield in England.

People don’t have children to make it ‘fun’ for everyone else. They’re not commodities.

I’ve only ever bought clothes if asked specifically. We bought the big, expensive things, and left them free to choose the clothes that were to their taste.

I don’t think it’s a matter of young parents being entitled. Their generation are being told what to do at every turn, from the moment they’re pregnant.

My daughter said only yesterday, “ I wish people would just back off and let us parent. We’re not being allowed to enjoy our children”. She was really referring to ‘ childcare professionals’, who mostly have never had children, but have read a lot!

I feel the entitlement, if it exists....comes from the grandparents mostly.

happycatholicwife1

Wow! Just wow! I can see that this generation of moms is planning on taking all the fun out of a new baby coming with all their politically correct rules about dressing and visiting and eating and not damaging the planet and such. Personally, none of my children ever expressed any of those sentiments to me when they had children themselves. If you can kindly say to someone not too much of this or not too much of that, then okay. Frankly it sounds like buying clothes for pregnant daughters is a minefield in England.

But they don’t have a baby for everyone else. Everyone else getting to enjoy is a bonus.

Also, don’t forget, the fathers of these children have opinions too.

Some people need directness as well. You can say “not too much”, but what is too much? To the giver it might be weekly gifts, to the receiver it might be monthly.

OP has said that any direct comments are taken poorly, so should she just put up with it forever?

Not wanting gifts is not being entitled. Forcing gifts on people who told you they don’t want them, or whining about that fact, is.

I
Am
A grandma and I always ask what do they need or not need . So I think it should be easy for you to just say . As much as I love the clothes I can’t possibly dress them in all of these before they outgrow them . I know your having fun but I’m good on clothes up said certain age . But what I do need is and let them
Re train their thought process on something else and let them continue their fun buying something you need ! Tell them you’ll
Let them know when you start needing other sizes ! Let them
Shop but let them know what you need , even if it’s small stupid stuff , like I need socks or bows etc . Let them hunt just give them new ideas to hunt for

I always ask the parents what they'd like - or send a gift voucher - but then I do dislike shopping.

It sounds like the relatives take great pleasure in choosing and buying outfits. Why not just let them? The baby won't care what she's wearing if it's comfortable. You may not care much either - especially if the washing is piling up and baby keeps regurgitating, needing several outfits a day. When I had four kids, I didn't mind much what they wore.

If you're not going out why not make full use of all the spare outfits? It's the feeding and (hopefully) sleeping that's really important - for both of you.

My group of friends passed baby clothes around (except for really special stuff) so I'd have several boxes, labelled with size/age and mainly unisex. They'd outgrow things so quickly - and some were never worn as it was the 'wrong' weather when they did fit! I tolerated the girly, frilly stuff - and, just sometimes, left hideous things in the box.

(and) - a big surprise to me - my normally practical, down to earth husband just loved dressing the girls in pretty dresses, knitted pink things with ribbons in their hair - to proudly take them out on little trips!

Awkward ...
In the big scheme of things this is not worth you getting stressed over. BUT ....
When the MILS visit ...perhaps you can go charity shopping together? That way when they hold up something horrible..you can say 'yes' or 'no' !
Babies grow so fast so most items won't even see the light of day !
Bag up all that you don't like and sell them on ebay or give to other mums in your area.
Tastes change over time anyway ...so you never know you may see eye to eye later ?!?!
The real issue here is power and position ... you are being manipulated in this situation ...as your grannies are 'taking over' your role to choose what your baby wears ! This is why it is so irritating !
So what to do? ....I would suggest that you don't put your baby in anything you don't like ...not for anyones sake
it undermines you to do so ...Grannies have NO IDEA THEY ARE BEING MANIPULATIVE ! They are not aware of the subtlety
of this simple act of deciding what your baby wears (it carries more meaning from family members) ...If a mate buys something horrible ...you would probably laugh ...but if its granny ... its a different power game and feeling ...Granny SHOULD BE ASKING YOU FIRST ...but unfortunately most grannies do this believing they are helping you out !
So understand the power dynamic ... and completely forget about it ! Its YOUR TURN NOW to be a mum ... they will fall back as you step forward !

This is an old thread and ABC12 never came back to let us know what happened.