Are we being unreasonable?

NotSpaghetti
Yes, I’m sure you are right, there is most likely a garden, but although I do spend time in the garden, and we have quite a lot of outdoor things to play with, I wouldn’t want to spend all day there.

Grams2five

Fleurpepper

All relationships require give and take, and mutual respect, and honesty. Grandparents who are willing and able to help should be made to feel valued and respected. And vice versa. I hear so mayn stories from friends that indicate they are totally being taken for granted and made to follow lists of 'rules' to the letter and more or less blackmailed on the matter. Too far!

It’s not blackmail though to simply say “if you want to spend the day with our child, or if you’re willing to spend the day with our child, these are our rules”. When the op wouldn’t agree to their rules they seem to have found a new arrangement ( it says dil has stayed home that day these past three weeks). It’s not blackmail to have certain boundaries in regard to their child, who watches him, and what he’s able to do with said person. It being a relative makes those boundaries often harder to instill but they’re just as reasonable as saying to a non related care provider “these are the rules we wish to enforce in regard to our child” and then the care giver can simply choose to accept as is , or say that doesn’t work for them and the parents make a different arrangement. It doesn’t become blackmail just because they’re related - grandma is not OWED the day with her young grandson, and before anyone says “but she’s doing them a favor” - it would seem that the “favor”
Comes with strings of doing it grandmas way and they are declining - which they’re entitled to do.

Never said it was. I said all relationships need to have give and take, honesty and trust.

The 'blackmail' bit, as I have seen with friends who look after their grandchildren on a regular basis, is the 'ah if you are not prepared to follow our massive list of rules to the letter, without discussion, give or take- then you won't be seeing much of us, or the grandchildren'- thus forcing GPs to accept any conditions, or else.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yes, give and take is needed, I remember back to when my gran and mother would look after mine, I had rules about too many sweets, disregarded I’m sure, and I always came home to a tip, every toy out, meals not cleared away, I hated it, I only asked them if I was desperate, I used to have to pick them up, and take them home after, then spend the evening in a fowl mood clearing up.
But we all knew they were doing me a favour, so I had to bite my tongue.

You say I wouldn’t want to spend all day in the garden

- but she wouldn't need to Sara - the OP isn't having to choose between being inside or outside all day, obviously.
She can be inside/outside as she chooses.
It's only ONE day a week. Plenty of people don't drive, have no public transport and are "isolated". Surely there must be plenty to do one day a week.

Many of us were in that situation for years. Lots of rural families are still regularly in their home and garden.

NotSpagghetti
I’m not saying it can’t be done, but it’s still a long day with a toddler.
We lived in a very rural situation for about ten years when our oldest children were little, we had plenty of outdoor space, but I would still take them out for a long walk if we were at home all day.

Sara1954

NotSpagghetti
I’m not saying it can’t be done, but it’s still a long day with a toddler.
We lived in a very rural situation for about ten years when our oldest children were little, we had plenty of outdoor space, but I would still take them out for a long walk if we were at home all day.

Me too, and I do it now with the dgc.
A walk turned into a simple 'treasure' hunt, looking for snail shells, an animal footprint in mud, a red car etc. keeps us all occupied and stimulated for ages. It doesnt really work more than once in the garden.

Oldnproud
I agree, it can take ages to get from A to B with an inquisitive toddler, but that’s alright.

Sara1954

Yes, give and take is needed, I remember back to when my gran and mother would look after mine, I had rules about too many sweets, disregarded I’m sure, and I always came home to a tip, every toy out, meals not cleared away, I hated it, I only asked them if I was desperate, I used to have to pick them up, and take them home after, then spend the evening in a fowl mood clearing up.
But we all knew they were doing me a favour, so I had to bite my tongue.

And here is the crux of it isn’t it ? Because they disregarded your rules you only asked if you had no other choice , which is likely where op is gong to find herself if she does the same . In fact the ac seem to have already moved on to that . They found as way for mom to say with the lad that day so grandma pushing to drive them
About is no longer an issue . It’s a case of getting what you ask for I’m afraid . Gran says she won’t mind gs without being able to take him out and dive places and the ac said ok then just don’t worry about minding him. Whether gran thinks it’s reasonable s entirely irrelevant- she’s the one missing out

No she hasn't said she wont mind her GC unless she's able to take him out Grams. You should read the OP.

I guess the point is, unless I’ve missed something, is that we don’t really know the reason, I think children are better out and about in the fresh air, and it would probably be a nice change to have a day at granny’s.

But maybe they have reasons, and they may be valid.

Smileless2012

No she hasn't said she wont mind her GC unless she's able to take him out Grams. You should read the OP.

You’re correct she didn’t say this flat out but apparently was pushy enough about wanting to have the car seat etc that dil ended up taking off work to stay home with her child
Instead. And has continued to do so for
Three weeks. It would seem the parents felt it was an unreasonable ask and as they “had a bit of a row” it seems that gran did push back that she wanted the car seat to drive gc with and so on. Otherwise it would have been “can I have the car seat to...” “no we aren’t comfortable with that “ and that’s that. At the end of the day the a. And gc seem to be handling the child care without gran so she can either decide she’d rather spend her fridays without driving him places or say well we will have to spend time with him in other ways. The parents get the final
Say in what they wish for their child

I would refrain from listening to advice that has you demand a parent justify parenting choices. That is the wrong way to go and quite disrespectful tbh.

Best way forward is for all parties to accept each others boundaries and move from there. That’s the rational response. It’s what adults do. They don’t want you taking the child out and about. You don’t want to be cooped up in the house all day. All of you seem perfectly reasonable and well within your rights. So if the arrangement cannot continue, so be it. That just means you will spend time with your grandson in non-obligatory capacity. I personally would prefer it that way.

You’re correct she didn’t say this flat out but apparently was pushy enough about wanting to have the car seat

Who did the car seat belong to?
Who had the right to sell it?
If said car seat belonged to the defendant is she within her rights to want it back again?

Limcha

I would refrain from listening to advice that has you demand a parent justify parenting choices. That is the wrong way to go and quite disrespectful tbh.

Best way forward is for all parties to accept each others boundaries and move from there. That’s the rational response. It’s what adults do. They don’t want you taking the child out and about. You don’t want to be cooped up in the house all day. All of you seem perfectly reasonable and well within your rights. So if the arrangement cannot continue, so be it. That just means you will spend time with your grandson in non-obligatory capacity. I personally would prefer it that way.

This is exactly what I’ve been trying to say thank you! At the end of the day the choice isn’t “am I being unreasonable?” But is this a boundary I’m willing to respect for
Friday’s with my gc. If not, that’s acceptable but then you loose the time. Just as the parents seem to have decided that this boundary is important enough to make other childcare arrangements to keep. Both parties have had choices to make. For gran it’s am I willing to stay at gc house to keep Friday’s , not how do I convince the parents to change their boundary

Callistemon21

^You’re correct she didn’t say this flat out but apparently was pushy enough about wanting to have the car seat^

Who did the car seat belong to?
Who had the right to sell it?
If said car seat belonged to the defendant is she within her rights to want it back again?

She didn’t say it was her seat and as such I’ll assume it’s the boys parents car seat or she would have mentioned such. Either way , they don’t want her driving him in car seat or otherwise

I dont get why everybody keeps saying grandparents are doing the parents a favor. That makes no sense!

In most cases, the grandparents have ASKED to watch the child. They want to do it, they requested to do it, or they complained to never have alone time with their grandchild. So the parents often give in to the request.

This may actually be a lot harder on the parents, packing everything up to haul over to gmas house, the extra gas to get there, maybe its out of the way, etc....

It doesn't always benefit the family...sometimes its just to appease the grandparents, even if its more work.

So its not always a favor in most cases.

OP, depends on each situation individually. Does GC being at your house benefit the parents? Is this actually a huge favor to them or is the arrangement so you and GC can bond and be together?

Grams2five

Callistemon21

You’re correct she didn’t say this flat out but apparently was pushy enough about wanting to have the car seat

Who did the car seat belong to?
Who had the right to sell it?
If said car seat belonged to the defendant is she within her rights to want it back again?

She didn’t say it was her seat and as such I’ll assume it’s the boys parents car seat or she would have mentioned such. Either way , they don’t want her driving him in car seat or otherwise

It may belong to the parents, but if not she has a right to ask for it back whether or not she would use it. It was in her car which she kindly lent to her son for a year and a half.

It's up to the parents whether they want the child to be driven by the grandparents, there could be reasons why not of course.

Callistemon21

^You’re correct she didn’t say this flat out but apparently was pushy enough about wanting to have the car seat^

Who did the car seat belong to?
Who had the right to sell it?
If said car seat belonged to the defendant is she within her rights to want it back again?

OP said "They bought the car seat and I offered to buy it off of them"

Son owns car seat, son & gf decide how their child is transported.

Easy really.

Missed that

Maliandbryn2

I dont get why everybody keeps saying grandparents are doing the parents a favor. That makes no sense!

In most cases, the grandparents have ASKED to watch the child. They want to do it, they requested to do it, or they complained to never have alone time with their grandchild. So the parents often give in to the request.

This may actually be a lot harder on the parents, packing everything up to haul over to gmas house, the extra gas to get there, maybe its out of the way, etc....

It doesn't always benefit the family...sometimes its just to appease the grandparents, even if its more work.

So its not always a favor in most cases.

OP, depends on each situation individually. Does GC being at your house benefit the parents? Is this actually a huge favor to them or is the arrangement so you and GC can bond and be together?

Have you done a survey to back up your claim that " In most cases, the grandparents have ASKED to watch the child. They want to do it, they requested to do it, or they complained to never have alone time with their grandchild. "?

It was quite the opposite in my case, and that of many grandparents I know. Looking after the grandchildren had never been one of my plans, and until maternity leave was nearly over, I assumed that the parents had a plan in place for childcare. That was until they started asking me if I could help, even though I was still working and enjoyed the free time that I had.
I agreed to help, because helping them felt like the right thing to do (and of course in the interests of fairness have had to do the same service to our other son and dil since then), but in no way was the arrangement instigated by me!

What makes you so sure that in most cases this is not the case?

We don’t know is that is the case or not however it would seem they have childcare for the other days of the week since gran only had the little guy one day a week , and it would also seem that the parents have quickly adapted to not having gran the day of the week she had , since dil
Has opted to just stay home on that day with the lad, all lending itself to thinking that this arrangement was more for gran then everyone else.

Perhaps not and they needed her to watch him but they seemingly no longer NEED it ( seeing as she hasn’t been for three weeks). So at the end of the day it seems gran has a choice to make - she wishes to spend fridays with her grandson and will
Abide by the boundaries set by his parents or she doesn’t like that arrangement and they all carry on as they are at such. At the end of the day though it seems she’s the one upset about it doesn’t it?

I agree with Oldnproud - any grandparents I know who help with childcare, do so because they are asked and want to help their children, not to have "alone time" with grandchildren.

Today, for example I'm helping at my daughter's as she asked me if I could entertain her 2 for a while so she could cut the grass in her large garden. I was happy to oblige, but would have been equally happy to stay at home and deal with my own garden!

I don’t know anyone who cares for grandchildren for ‘alone time’
It’s free child care provided by an army of living grandparents. We love our adult children, adore our grandchildren but, we expected more free time in retirement.
When ours were all at school, it was great to just be grandparents, picking up occasionally, sleepovers and other fun

@Grams2five,

I agree. Think you’ve nailed it. Clearly the couple has already made other arrangements; it’s been three weeks. The OP’s son stated they’d discuss “at a later time”, so they don’t seem to be pressed to resume the previous arrangement with the OP. To me, that says the OP should accept that the couple are firm in their position. People can agree with their boundaries or not, but no one should be trying to convince parents to change them. People have a right to raise their children as they see fit. The OP had every right to decide that the parents’ wishes won’t work for her. This doesn’t seem very complicated at all.