Are we being unreasonable?

Iam64

I don’t know anyone who cares for grandchildren for ‘alone time’
It’s free child care provided by an army of living grandparents. We love our adult children, adore our grandchildren but, we expected more free time in retirement.
When ours were all at school, it was great to just be grandparents, picking up occasionally, sleepovers and other fun

I don't know any "alone time" and sleepover GP.

We have five grands from three ac - we don’t need provide regular. Jim’s are to any, nor have we been asked to. We babysit for occasional date nights, drs visits etc when our ac need help. We have the older grands (school age) overnight once or twice a year and so things like museums, etc for “day visits” probably quarterly once they’re school age. We watched them overnight in their home once while mum and dad were at the hospital having another sibling. Perhaps it’s just my circle but I know plenty of grandparents not playing nanny.

Iam64

I don’t know anyone who cares for grandchildren for ‘alone time’
It’s free child care provided by an army of living grandparents. We love our adult children, adore our grandchildren but, we expected more free time in retirement.
When ours were all at school, it was great to just be grandparents, picking up occasionally, sleepovers and other fun"

Grandparents have options and can choose not to commit to be "free child care"
Grandparents can tell their AC to make other arrangements for childcare

There is no need to tap into martyrdom

There is no need to ge snippy and unpleasant HiThere. Nothing about the martyr in my post. I loved our day a week caring for grandchildren and said so. The reality is there is an army of grandparents looking after grandchildren, out of love and necessity given the huge cost of childcare.
Why make an unnecessary argument, try to polarise

Grams2five - it may be that where you live, either paid childcare is affordable and available or both parents don't need to work to pay rent or mortgage. Where I live (Ireland), childcare is a huge issue. For under 3s, daycare or private childminders are very expensive or even completely unavailable. Some people book their place before the child is even born!

For that reason, grandparents are often asked to help out.

In countries like Sweden, where one of my sons lives, childcare is heavily subsidised and easily available. After the age of 1 it is expected that both parents will work and the child will be in daycare. There, grandparents may help out with babysitting occasionally, as you do, but would not be needed for day-to-day care.

Iam64 I'm not aware of anyone wanting 'alone time' either. However, I do know people who take care of GC presumably to save their children some of necessary childcare fees. I did with my GC and do with my GGC.

Thanks Norah and Farmor5. You confirm the point I was making, that grandparents step in out of love and necessity. I agree, the Scandi countries do it better. They subsidise excellent quality early years care. Grandparents will still be actively involved in loving support -

As OP hasn't been back and another week has passed, I'd guess that son has solved and OP hasn't another worry about being reasonable. She can happily get on with her errands and housework on day off.

There are a lot of GP's looking after GC, doing the school run and looking after them until the parents finish work, not to mention school holidays.

Let's hope her son has been in touch with her Norah and not left her 'hanging' with no idea what's going on.

Yes, let's hope so.

But this is what I meant about 'blackmail'

Smileless2012

Let's hope her son has been in touch with her Norah and not left her 'hanging' with no idea what's going on.

Depending on definition of "need to discuss things in the next few weeks."

I'm not one to push or rush, let issues settle down.

I assert son found a solution, he'll tell when he's ready.

Is that really not good enough?

Fleurpepper

Yes, let's hope so.

But this is what I meant about 'blackmail'

Where is 'blackmail' involved?

Son wanted his child not driven about, his mum wanted to drive grandchild and get on with her day.

Presumably someone is taking care of LO, mum has her day at home. From what OP has posted all seems solved.

Norah

Not solved to OP's and other posters' satisfaction apparently

No Norah it's not really good enough. If they don't need the OP to look after their child on Friday's anymore then they should say so.

I know that's what you meant by 'blackmail' *Fleurpepper' and there's too much of it about.

Smileless2012

No Norah it's not really good enough. If they don't need the OP to look after their child on Friday's anymore then they should say so.

I know that's what you meant by 'blackmail' *Fleurpepper' and there's too much of it about.

Smileless, this is just an example of differing personal beliefs and expectations. I wait well. I'm not curious enough to care, all will be revealed.

It appears this is an insignificant issue. I would think son solved it. He needs find time to explain, without a "row over the phone" to OP.

I'm not inclined to explain quickly to people who have rows. Cool heads and all. Four weeks, no need to rush.

My opinion on time when dealing with AC. Can't push a noodle.

It appears this is an insignificant issue

I wouldn't describe it as insignificant

Surely leaving someone in the dark, not knowing what is going on so they are left hanging around unable to get on with anything is fairly significant.

Childish behaviour by the son, he should explain what is going on.

Callistemon21

^It appears this is an insignificant issue^

I wouldn't describe it as insignificant

Surely leaving someone in the dark, not knowing what is going on so they are left hanging around unable to get on with anything is fairly significant.

Childish behaviour by the son, he should explain what is going on.

It's insignificant because OP can "get on with significant" as she knows that unless DS calls and says differently she is not watching the child.

She knows he hasn't yet called.

She knows DS said "we need to discuss things in the next few weeks".

I count 4 weeks. My guess, DS is not rushing to call as they had a "row" over childminding, issue solved.

Give it time is my advice.

OK, I'll give it four weeks then take another look at the thread for an update.

In most cases, the grandparents have ASKED to watch the child

Really?? Where is the evidence of that?!!!!

Hithere

Iam64

I don’t know anyone who cares for grandchildren for ‘alone time’
It’s free child care provided by an army of living grandparents. We love our adult children, adore our grandchildren but, we expected more free time in retirement.
When ours were all at school, it was great to just be grandparents, picking up occasionally, sleepovers and other fun"

Grandparents have options and can choose not to commit to be "free child care"
Grandparents can tell their AC to make other arrangements for childcare

There is no need to tap into martyrdom

It's got absolutely nothing to do with martyrdom. What a strange interpretation of a perfectly reasonable and clearly expressed viewpoint!

Madgran77

*In most cases, the grandparents have ASKED to watch the child*

Really?? Where is the evidence of that?!!!!

None whatsoever.

Good post, Iam64

I think most grandparents want to help out because they know how expensive it is to pay for a nursery or a childminder. They most likely enjoy their time with the children but they might equally, despite that enjoyment, find it very tiring. They do it because they want to help, not because they want to be martyrs.

I think there are many parents who are very grateful for the help that they get. Unfortunately, there also seems to be some parents who do not realise how fortunate they are not to have to rely on outside, paid child care providers.

Offering help is not the problem- it is welcome and appreciated

The issue is when the helper puts conditions how this help is given

Some conditions may be reasonable
Others not so much

When the helpee (new word) finds this help to be more work for them compared to not having the help - it is not really worth it

I have my gs weekly and he was always looked after at my house. This has been since he was a month old. He’s now 5 months.
We live across town so, I purchased a car seat and asked to be able to pick him up. They were happy for me to do so, they just wanted me to send them a photo that we were home safe..

I never left the house unless they were notified and were ok with it.

2 months ago, I asked if I could take him out of town for the day and my DIL was very uncomfortable with the idea so I didn’t take him.

Last week, my DIL let me know that she was comfortable with me now taking him out of town.

I just took things slowly.. I made sure I kept them informed of what we were doing and sent photos of a happy and mostly snoozing little boy.

Perhaps discussing their concerns and building trust may be the key to your issue. Try not to let it turn into an emotional conversation but, more like a reassuring one. ?