Maternal grandparents feeling less valued/sidelined

Notspaghetti
In actual fact they do know the arrangement very well. We do communicate with them and DD and SIL all talk, so there's no danger of their ignorance. But thanks for your comment anyway.

Reading my last post i just want to add that i do understand something of this... when my son and fiancée come on a visit to the UK from America I'm always really excited -especially initially- and I long for them to stay, chat, cook with us, eat with us and just be close for a while.

They do this, yes, but they always "dip into" the time I feel is "ours" by "popping off" to visit xyz people, his siblings, old friends etc.

🙄 I now try to expect them to be busy visiting others and feel quite content. After more than 10 years of only seeing them once every 18 months or so I've accepted now that we are his "safe base" and where his childhood heart is - but we are not his life and he has love to give to others too.

However, last visit, when I had assumed they would enjoy a good breakfast before the long drive to Heathrow (and bought breakfast treats in) - on their last day they got up early and were ready to leave pretty much straight away!
...They had decided to stop for breakfast mid way!
Waaaah!

It will catch you out now and then. Yes.
But be grateful they love you and you love them.
Treasure the time you know you have together and let go the resentment and disapointment.

Let them be free.
They will love you all the more for it.

Just seen your reply blueshell2
Posted whilst I was typing.
I didn't realise that everyone expected your daughter and family to be with you for a chunk of the second day.
Apologies

I think it's about distance. I spent the first couple of years near my DD and GCs - saw a lot of them.

We moved 70 miles away, and I'd didn't see that much of them for a couple of years. They had their lives and we had ours. We saw them once a month.

We moved home to London (other reasons, not the family), and then we were 10 mins away from DD and GCs.

So, we saw a lot of them for years, and still do, but it was because we were near enough for visits, both ways, without a palaver.

My DS and family live in America and we see them every 1-2 years.

It's often about the time involved.

I'd just go with the flow.🙂

I’m not a Gran , but a number of my friends are and it seems to be quite normal that if the AC live near one set of parents, they see more of them . My very dear friend has the same situation as you and feels left out and sidelined . It’s her DS who lives 10 minutes drive from his in-laws , whilst she is a two hour drive . The in-laws do child care a few days a week and babysitting. My friend has offered to babysit but her son says it’s all sorted with the in-laws . When she does visit the in-laws turn up as well .
So you’re definitely not alone in this .
Just a thought but is your sil an only child ? My DH is an only child and his parents were quite selfish regarding time spent with us . It didn’t occur to them that was another set of grandparents wanting to spend time with their GC .

Aww. You sound like a grandma with a lot of love to give. I wonder what else you have going on in your life. Sometimes to be truly happy we need to fill our own cup of love up. Is there anything else you can do that will bring you joy? I live away from family and find the times I miss them are when my life is empty or I'm exhausted! When I'm busy the weeks fly by in the blink of an eye.

I think it's okay to feel sad that you don't get to spend as much time with your grandchild as you pictured but it sounds like it's unlikely to change. If I were you I would find a way to fill your cup up without them. In doing so the pang of jealousy will settle and you'll also be much happier overall.

I'm not sure what your hobbies are but u3a groups usually have a lot going on.

For now though, make a cuppa, grab a biscuit or two and give yourself a little hug. Tomorrow plan something that will bring you joy. Whether thats baking brownies, buying a new top or just sitting watching the birds. You don't have to tell what but give yourself a little love.

It sounds like they care very much about you if they have consistently visited you.. you're obviously loved and valued.. as others have said it's simply a matter of distance

blueshell2

bella23
Thank you. Youre right, never let them know about sad feelings and enjoy what time you get.
I am grateful for your understanding, it sort of makes me feel that Im not the only one who feels like this.
I hope you get time to enjoy with your DD.

Hi Bluebelle,
Thanks for replying I can't say it is easy, I think lots more people are in our situation than ever admit to it and have the same feelings, just like GMS says. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for feeling the way you do.
Enjoy the happy times and be there for them when needed, I can assure you they will come if you appear the rational undemanding grandparents.
My DD is coming with family to stay for a few days on their way up North .

Hithere

You will never win if you see this as a competition

Absolutely!

When raising our children we were always at least 2 hours away from both sets of parents, my mother had a mental checklist of all the times spent with the other set.
Her jealousy was off the scale.

When we were with her we were expected to be with her in the house and garden for the duration.
She hated it if we wanted to pop over to see friends.
The time we were with her was miserable and we felt under enormous pressure.

We avoided going to see her as it made us all miserable.

Our GC are 3 hours away when they come we encourage our daughter and SIL to go off and see people, they have a key and come and go, we baby sit very happily.

Relax stop worrying about the other GP’s and enjoy their company.

Granny here - I have a daughter too. I guess you could say that I'm in the in-law's position - inasmuch that we do two days childcare at the moment and grandchild has his own room here, so sleeps over whenever my daughter and son-in-law have a social event. However this has come about because we did actually move to be nearer them, so quite an upheaval, but got a more suitable property with a smaller garden, so all good.

But the other two sets of grandparents get to see our/their grandchild too - weddings, birthdays, holidays away, etc. Everyone is always respectful not to encroach on each other's time though. It works fine. But the bit 'but' here is I think you should bear in mind the childcare situation is pretty time limited. Those early years fly by and our grandchild will be going to school in September, so things will change.

As they get older maybe they will come to you for extended stays in the holidays. This present time is just a snapshot and will change. Well done for not mentioning it to your daughter. I am a passionate gardener and when not seeing our grandchild get absorbed with that, and also am a voracious reader. Of course I do stuff like coffee and meals out with my husband too. Things change, time passes - try and think positive and I'm sure you'll feel more comfortable with the situation once this very intense period of early years is done with.

I have a similar situation and have learnt that the way to manage those feeling is to be grateful that they have committed grandparents close at hand. We offer a warm welcome and help out when we can. Don’t compete! I also make an effort to be in touch with the other grandparents. As the children get older, you could offer to have them more during the school holidays for fun staycations!

I am the paternal grandparent who lives 45 minutes from GC, the maternal set live 4+ hours away. It is natural that closest GPs will do the lion share of babysitting.
When DIL's parents visited I always made myself scarce for the duration to allow them to enjoy the GC.
I do not understand the jealousy, not a nice trait.

No idea what your financial/housing situation is but have you considered Park Home living as an option. Two years ago I sold my bricks and mortar, paid off my mortgage and bought a park home to be nearer (was a 3.5 hour drive) to where my grandchildren are. I absolutely love Park Home life, its a 'community' like I remember my childhood community, its an over 50's site but grandchildren can visit and stay over. I love having my grandchildren to stay ❤️

Blueshell. So sorry you’re feeling upset with your situation, and it must hurt. You’ve had some great advice from other grans on here. I do hope it’s helped you. 💐

I do feel for you as my DS lives 4 hours away but very close to DIL's family. I used to feel jealous too but I managed to change this when I realised how excited my GC are when they see me, rather than DIL's parents whom they see often and take for granted. It's interesting that you are the maternal GP as we paternal ones usually get short-changed. You sound like lovely, caring people and your GC is lucky to have you.

I feel your pain 💐

I hesitate to say you are being unreasonable, but if you could try to stop feeling hurt that your son-in-law's parents see the grandchildren more often than you do, you would make life a great deal easier for yourself.

Try to be glad that your daughter gets on well with her in-laws. Gransnet and the world as such is full of young women complaining about their mother-in-law and women our age complaining about their daughters-in-law. Your daughter is fortunate in not being one of the young women who cannot get on with their in-laws.

Please, try to realise that having grandchildren is a bonus, not a right, and that none of us have the right to feel hurt that our children don't live next-door to us.

Don't even think about moving nearer to your daughter - you don't know if she and her husband might later on change their jobs and move away.

Your grandchildren won't be needing day-care forever - they will grow up and as teenagers may not even want to spend time with any of their grandparents, or may, when they are old enough to come and see you on their own prefer you to their paternal grandparents.

Enjoy the time you can spend with them and their parents, and spend the rest of your time doing other things you enjoy.

It seems to me reading similar posts on this site, that a lot of grandparents seem to feel that their children and grandchildren should be the centre of their lives.

You may not feel this, of course, but if you do, be careful. You will have a better relationship with your children and grandchildren if they are important, but not the kingpin of your existence.

We have learnt to make the most of precious times we get with DS and DGC. They live in Europe so we visit when allowed and stay in a hotel (about 3 times a year). DIL parents live in another country so always get priority and stay with them individually (only room for one person at a time). I have learnt to make the most of any time we get with them. In between we face time and always text everyday. It’s not easy but you just have enjoy what you can.

Grandtante I thoroughly agree with you.

Unfortunately the issue arises from distances between the two families. If they had moved nearer you then the other set of GPS might be feeling the way you are now. You are not on an even playing field. I think its probably a common issue with families. Seems like you have to accept it. Sounds like you are lucky to have good relationships. And young couples have such hectic lives nowadays it's probably hard pleasing everyone. Could you arrange a few zoom meetings so you see your GC between visits. I know its not the same as a hug, but better than nothing. I think you should try to make the best you can of the situation and be glad of the time you get to spend with them. I know its not perfect, but try not to overthink it or feel resentful.

Many grandparents have experienced the hurt thst you are feeling but do remember thst grandkids don’t stay little for long - and when they get a little older . Teenagers or even preteens - for ever socializing with one set of grandparents or the other will be one a chore to them!

Try and reprogrammed your thoughts and emotions around this sticky situation because there is no simple solution to it.

I really feel for you - I would feel exactly the same as you do. Especially as its a daughter.

I completely understand how you feel, and why. I have 3 grown up children and they all live close to their ‘in-laws’. I’m not well and disabled. I always have to travel to see them (1.5hr, 2hr and 4 hr+ journeys). The drive nearly kills me. There’s no issues, we get on well. It hurts me so much though. I’ve brought it up in the past, they know how hurt I feel but it doesn’t make one iota of difference. They are wrapped up in their own lives and those OH families.
The way I see it is that, like me, it’s what they’ve chosen in spite of it being so unkind. My advice to you is to gently remind them occasionally that you love them very much and are sad that you see so little of them, and then just leave it at that. Don’t get drawn into a conversation about it and risk an argument or heated debate. At the end of the day it’s their loss and frankly is thoughtless. Stay strong lovely.

Dcba I very much agree with you. My DD lived 200 miles away whilst her daughters were growing up and I just accepted that the girls were too far away to do our bit. After they’d been through the terrible teens and were more independent with driving, working etc. they made much more of an effort to visit us. Now my DD lives only 20 miles away but of course they had flown the nest by then. I looked after my sons children who live locally from babies to secondary school and now they’re in the terrible teens … but I am patient and know that eventually they’ll “come back” too. Patience and tolerance of the situation always pays off ..

I too understand how you feel, but they obviously love you and make an effort to see you and for you to spend time with your grandchildren.
Try turning it around, although your time was "cut short" at least still came, they could have cancelled altogether!