Second Marriage & Grandchildren

I am in an almost identical situation only my granddaughter is now 11 months old and lives a two hour flight away. Her last few visits with us have been very stressful as my husband hasn’t had his own children and did not cope well with a baby in the house. We have had some intense conversations where I have reinforced my family is a priority and I’m not missing out! My daughter is a solo Mum who needs lot of parent and as I’m retired I’m keen to help out. My husband will go away for a couple of days next time she comes to reduce the tension all round. I visit her regularly at her home…. Retirement is not about isolating yourself from your family if anything that’s when family becomes more important!

I don't think he's jealous, it's just that he's happy with things as they are.
Many men ( and women) aren't that fussed about babies.
I'm not a baby person myself.
When my stepson had a baby I wasn't thrilled or that interested. There was more contact with my H's ex who was desperate to assert herself as no.1 granny.
I refused to be called Gran and the child calls me by my first name.
The child is now 8 and I am fond of him. He gravitates to me rather than my H when he visits or stays over as I'm more entertaining.
I wouldn't worry - things will sort themselves out, don't push him.

Blood isn’t always thicker than water, my dh was adopted and had an older brother who was their parents own child. But at the end of my MIL life it was my dh who was there for her every single day, she often said she was glad she adopted as her own son would never have been there for her.

Your comments have made me think that i need to just go with the flow. My Dh is jealous of my two sons, albeit in a very discreet way. He moved in with me and my boys and has spent 14 years sharing me with them. My boys are moving out, and I think he has been looking forward to it being just me and him, and not me in full time mum mode. He’s worried that my time will now be taken by a grandchild. As you say it will all work out, plus my DIL to be mum is going to be closeby, and she is retired, so the opposite might happen and I could be not needed as much as I thought. Also we all have histories that influence how we feel, my mum wasn’t there for me or my children, so I sometimes go overboard with supporting my children, wanting to be a good parent and grandma etc.

You’ve been married 6 months and husband works away during the week, that not ideal, but now he’s asking you to turn your life upside down the take on a baby, I would be very cautious about that prospect.

If he was willing to take on half the child care so that I could continue my work maybe I would be happier, as has been said the daughter is likely to have further children so it’s a very open ended situation.

At the back of my mind is that you have only been married 6 months and the stress of childcare could cause it to breakdown, what happens to baby then?.

I also feel he may be jealous, I’m so thankful that my husband is the opposite nobody would dare tell him that our seven grandchildren are step grandchildren they have all wound him around their finger and he dotes on them
We don’t have any children together he would do anything for them and their parents

A lot of very judgemental comments here about the second husband. There are a lot of feelings which are quite primitive, outside of conscious control and which may well change over time.

I find it hard to understand. Similar situation. But we are so lucky. Two GC (who have 3 sets of GP’s) who absolutely adore my hubby and is always there for the boys… (and my Son) have always called him Grandad. Hopefully your hubby will change.

Don't let him dampen your excitement. Far too many men are simply not adult, and they get away with it. He's being jealous and possessive, and while those emotions are natural, he needs to learn to deal with them and not spoil things for you. My husband is fantastic with my granddaughters (with whom he's spending time right now) but really unreasonable with my autistic son. When you get married, what you see isn't always what you get, at any age!

Grantanow I agree - wise words. Hopefully he will bond with the baby.

He sounds quite hard work

Anyone who goes into a 2nd marriage has to be totally aware of each others existing families, their feelings, and what makes each other happy. So many men appear to think that their feelings are more important than their wives. If your husband has issues with you spending time with a new baby, suggests he takes up golf for instance, or whatever else floats his boat. Why can’t he just be happy for you ? Why is he trying to put a damper on your joy ? He needs to be asked these questions. You are not responsible for his happiness, only your own, so enjoy every single minute of that baby and don’t let him spoil a thing.

I have ten grandchildren, 4 of whom are inherited! We have never treated them any differently, Christmas, birthdays, sleepovers etc even though two of them were convinced we did until they sat and thought about it! My eldest grandchild however was totally excluded by his stepmother's family which made me so cross! Both are common I think. I would also say that once the baby arrives your husband may be completely different. Babies are wonderful for softening a heart so I would just hum along and enjoy the wonderful anticipation and fun times to come.

Advice from an “old hand”?if I may. Remember your husband is your priority. At all times. Children and grandchildren will move on in time and then the most important thing in your life will still be your relationship with your husband. Above all else.

It sounds like your husband doesn’t want his routine to be disturbed. Somewhat selfish but maybe also fearful. And yes it’s not his child having a baby. I think generally men aren’t quite as invested as women when it comes to babies. He’s probably worried he’ll be neglected/ disrupted. Set in his ways maybe?

Some first husbands after several years of being a couple find the change to being a responsible father and husband difficult and has led to 2 divorces I know of . I know this is different but some people are fine as a couple but not so good when demands are made on their partners time and they are not always available.

I don’t think this is a dilemma specific to second marriages, or indeed to spending time with grandchildren.
It’s about how much time a retired couple want to devote to shared interests, and how much time each partner wants to devote their own activities.
How that balance works out is for each couple to decide - there’s no ‘right’ answer.

A word of warning OP. You say you want to be ‘involved’ in your grandchild’s life, but there’s a balance between helping the young parents, and recognising that the child is their child & that we as grandparents have had our turn and sometimes we have to step back & let them get on with it as they think fit.
Also, the grandchildren grow up very quickly & have their own lives & grandparents become peripheral. So while this can be an argument for seeing as much as possible of them while they’re little, it’s also an argument for not getting too involved, as one day you won’t be needed any more & will have to fall back on your own resources.

I would try not to worry about your DH and just enjoy the anticipation of your new grandchild. Hopefully once baby has arrived your DH will melt and be a true doting GP, here's hoping!

My husband and I have been married for 40 years- we have 2 children and 4 Grandchildren. Before the birth of each grandchild he has been quite negative, saying things like “I expect you will be booked up for babysitting again’ I know now to make sure he doesn’t feel left out or neglected when the baby comes. You could say he is selfish and that he should grow up- but the reality is that he has grown to be a wonderful grandpa and he is now terrific with them- but it has taken time and patience!
Of course, he is their grandfather but I have seen the same happen with friends of mine who have divorced !
So- I am saying: encourage and support him- be patient - give him time, don’t rush it!!

In a similar situation with my DH. He is actually their grandad ! I’m going in Holiday with them all in July and DH staying at home. He claims he can’t stand the noise! It’s the same when we’re at home, he never liked them visiting. We had seriously considered moving to the coast too but when it came to do it I didn’t want to. Have compromised by moving house in same area. I’ve always done what he wants to do but doing what I want now! School run and childcare one day a week.

So many very true and helpful comments. I suppose I will find a balance of having my life, enjoying retirement….although not yet, and the grandchildren. I think myself and my DH work well as a couple and not so great with full on family stuff, as he has to compromise when it comes to my family and I have to with his. The perfect family doesn’t exist and we will find a way to make it work. He’d be happy if it was just me and him on a dessert island. He got a bit irritated as I have agreed to look after a friends dog for a day, saying hope this isn’t going to be a regular thing as it gets in the way of what we might want to do. Hey Ho! I feel better for sharing and from hearing your responses many of which have really made me think. Thank you.

Or desert island

I was only 48 when I found out I was going to be a grandma and I was a very reluctant to be one! I found it difficult to be enthusiastic and I worried about how I would feel about the baby. Of course as soon as she was born I fell in love with her. I had her overnight many times and looked after her while my DIL worked for a year. You don’t know how you‘ll feel until the baby is born and hopefully it will be the same for your husband.

Perhaps the obvious thing to do here is have an honest conversation about his feelings. There might be other things going on. How did he feel when his own children were born? Be gentle with him.

Goldieoldie15

Advice from an “old hand”?if I may. Remember your husband is your priority. At all times. Children and grandchildren will move on in time and then the most important thing in your life will still be your relationship with your husband. Above all else.

Absolutely at least someone with some sense. What is wrong with all these grns. who put kids above everything even though they are adult. You have hopefully brought them up to be independent so let them get on with their lives, your husband should be your priority once the children have flown the nest. I am not saying don't help out, but I AM saying compromise and discuss it with your husband before you commit.