Deep rift with my DD over grandchildren s behaviour

It seems to me Notjustaprettyface as if this has been blown up out of all proportion.

You don't believe you did anything wrong but it was wrong of you to tell your GD she was horrible. It was wrong of your D to 'tell you off' via a text message, she should have spoken to you about what happened and it was even more wrong of her to simply not turn up to a pre arranged appointment.

More importantly IMO, your D needs to impress on your GD that she has to do what GM tells her and refusing to go to bed is naughty and wont be tolerated. Such behaviour may be tolerated by your D but she shouldn't expect it to be tolerated by you or anyone else who may be looking after her.

You have my heartfelt sympathy for your babysitting evening from hell, Notjustaprettyface.

I had a similar experience doing the school run this morning.

The best I can say is - nobody died.

nobody died .

I remember when GD -staying with me aged then 3 and a strong willed girl at the best of times- refused to put her pj’s on at bedtime. I was running out of patience so I just said “Fine, sleep in your clothes or pants then” shut the bedroom door , went downstairs and poured myself a sherry!
A few deep breaths and eventually went back up to her room where she had undressed herself , sort of, and got into bed! She had been crying though and said “ Granny you made me sad” 😢 which I felt bad about but just answered that she had made me sad too so we hugged and made up. Phew!
If I had been stressed, in pain, feeling under the weather ,etc, it might have been different, I do think that the state of health or mood WE are in makes all the difference between getting cross and laughing it off.

Once, when I was a very little girl Gran was bathing me and I kept splashing her, she said she'd scream if I did that again. It was irresistible, I splashed but she screamed!! I got such a fright. We were both upset but I knew it was my fault. I was devoted to Gran and still miss her.

"Children should be obedient" Dear lord - really? And they should "accept authority"? Maybe she's already and quite reasonably learned that respect has to be earned. You are doing nothing to earn it, are you?

So no one's happy here. Best to leave babysitting out of equation. Step back and away from daughter and grandkids and get a life.

Most of your answers are totally unreasonable.

It depends entirely on the tone of voice the remark was made in, and the usual love and affection between grandmother and grandchild whether calling the little brat a horrible child or not is unreasonable.

We cannot judge the tone of voice, or how the family usually speak to each other.

In your place, I would tell my daughter that if she wants to bring up her children as "snowflakes" who never learn to accept criticism of their unreasonable behaviour or to chose consideration to others, or to do as they are asked, then that is her affair, but she can then find another baby sitter instead of relying on you.

And that while you are happy to see your daughter and the children, in future you would prefer her to be present when an overtired child is unreasonable.

Notjustaprettyface

Well it seems nobody has understood my plea for help
Never mind
I will not apologise to a 5 year old who doesn’t accept authority
She has been badly brought up and that’s the end of that
I fear my Dd will regret her soft parent approach in years to come
Children should be obedient
So I won’t thank u for your help
Once more , this forum disappoints

It only disappoints because people don't agree with you, but your choice of words were wrong, saying that to a young child isn't the best way to get them do be co-operative ,you were obviously butting heads by 10 pm but using harsh words to get the upper hand is as bad as smacking and tbh neither really archives anything.
You could have sat with her and tried to talk gently to her.
Why wouldn't she go to bed? You don't say, is it because she didn't want to go at the same time as the smaller children, perhaps you could have asked her to help you settle them then had some quiet time with just the two of you, lights dimmed and TV off, just reading a story of talking to her about school. It might have helped her wind down. Do her parents have problems at bed time? You don't say but you criticise their parenting.
You have probably blotted your copy book for a while and I doubt your relationship with your GD will ever be the same, as trust me she will remember those harsh words said in temper for the rest of her days.

Tell your daughter to look after her own brats in future and not to expect any inheritance. She’ll soon apologise.

I would never go against anything my daughter expects. If they misbehave (old terminology) I would just update my daughter once home and leave any possible issue to her. Within reason I let them do what they want. My eldest GS whose coming up to 4. If he does something he shouldn't he normally holds my hand and snuggles into me for a few minutes. He knows he's done wrong so doesn't need me to tell him. They are young for such a short time.

Lol

Is it just me?………calling any child a brat makes me shudder.

Instead of being angry and cross a softer approach would have helped, reading her her favourite story or just making one up, asking if she’d like you to sit with her for ten minutes or haven a cuddle she was probably totally overtired ( and I m sure you were too )
It’s really not nice for a child to go to bed upset and not good for you either
You didn’t get the answers you wanted on here as you were in the wrong and most people on the whole didn’t agree with you, a few did, but most didn’t
Soften your approach remember a lighter approach will get you a child who is more likely to do what you want than one who is upset and feeling you are against her
Praise her instead of constant criticising
Cuddle her instead of being sharp
Get her on your side and you ll have a winner if your daughter ever lets you near them again

Sago

Is it just me?………calling any child a brat makes me shudder.

It is not just you.

.

I think that you're getting alot of unwarranted criticism here. I have no doubt that the children's mother has said far worse when stressed and tired.

I think that you should refuse to babysit in the future making it clear that if it's late and the children aren't co-operative then you are obviously too tired by then to cope in a way that you would want.

My parents always said to my sons -

"When you're good, you are very very good. But when you're bad, you're horrid!!"

I now say the same to their sons!!
.

Notjustaprettyface says her daughter was "not at all what she wanted". Left me a bit stunned. Children know if they are not "good enough" and I think the OP probably sees this again in her GD. Describing a 5 year old as "nasty"? My father was a bitter and angry man who believed children should be "obedient" - any deviation would not be tolerated. He didn't like us and we always knew it. I'll leave it to you to imagine if we were there for him in later life. I'm not saying parents or grandparents have to be perfect but we are the grown ups and can choose to exercise restraint or at the very least apologise sincerely. I'm glad the GD told her mum - she has been brought up to believe she is worthy.

I do think you need to take control of the situation if you want to keep a reasonable relationship with your daughter and grandchildren. Would an apology along the lines of “I was tired and stressed, what I meant was your child’s BEHAVIOUR was horrible.” Then make it clear that you don’t intend to put up with it so you will be stepping back from providing any late night babysitting services and maybe cutting back on daycare too. Your daughter does seem to rely on you a lot to look after her children, taking advantage of your availability without giving much time to them or you.
You need some time to yourself to relax and remember who you are. It will be odd at first, because you haven’t had much time for yourself over the last few years but you really need to be putting yourself first for a while. You don’t need this excessive stress from your family.

Are you disappointed because most people have disagreed with what you called your GD? I don’t want you to be disappointed but I do want you to make it up with your D. I have just had to apologise to my DD for sticking my oar in when I shouldn’t have. She ignored my apology and just carried on as if I hadn’t said anything - least said soonest mended …
You have to do what you think best but I do advise you to look at the whole situation you’re living with. You have a lot on your plate. Maybe if you’re not prepared to apologise you could just say that you can’t babysit so much in future, simply that. Least said …

Sago How rude! I suppose you're perfect! Huh? Thought not.

I'm with notjustjustaprettyface.The behaviour of some of them now is awful. I never did babysitting and I'm glad now.

Barbadosbelle I totally agree with you.

Oh dear has no one out there had a child who despite all cajoling will not do as you ask and they have never lost their cool and said something like that.
Ok in retrospect maybe it was an over reaction but I wonder how many parents in later years will regret not setting some boundaries

If you were my mother I wouldn’t let my kids around you unsupervised. For you to want sympathy from fellow grandsnetters instead of listening to what everyone has to say about your horrible behavior you e come to the wrong place. Children absorb and come to believe the negative things people say about them. Especially from the people who are supposed to love them. Emotional abuse hurts just as much as physical. Lasts longer too. Shame on you, Stay away from children if you can’t see this or listen, before you inflict more scars. I’m horrified at your behavior and the fact you think there’s nothing wrong with it. Get some therapy.

Sounds very Victorian to me.