Deep rift with my DD over grandchildren s behaviour

So much attacking and criticism. When one is stressed with having to cope with 3 children who are not being compliant, especially at bedtime when the usual routine is not adhered to . . . I can understand that it was strenuous.
I have no advice how to make things straight again, but I have learnt that one should not accuse the person who is stressing one out, eg. not to say "you are being horrible". Instead one has to emphasise one's own feelings, like saying, "I feel sad that you don't want to (whatever)".
I can remember my own childhood when my parents didn't always say things tactfully. My dad loved saying "You are big and old and ugly enough to (do/know this or that)!! Maybe it was a different era.

Why all the fuss about calling a badly behaved child horrid? Honestly I only have to go to the local town, in a reasonable area and I hear harassed Mothers saying things to their children in a harsh way.
This Gran was tired, and was dealing with a very rude child late evening, who was being obnoxious. Its human nature.
I have said things like that to my Grandsons, and like I said upthread, they love me, they could not care less about what I said to them at 5 years of age. It's forgot about. The child was not hit, abused or shaken.
Honestly, some of you are so judgemental, and I don't believe that you have always got it right.
The Mothers behavior was dreadful and where her daughter is concerned the apple never fell far from the tree.
I hope Gran does not apologise and the daughter finds someone else to look after her daughter. Good luck with that, if people know what she's like.

Steppi

I just wanted to say that I thought the responses to your dilemma were totally heartless!
You agreed to baby sit out of the kindness of your heart.
And it turned out to be a difficult time for you.
No one knows the reason why the 5yr old wouldn't go to bed but maybe her mum had told her : " to keep an eye on granny until I'm back! "
Or maybe the child felt insecure and this was the reason she couldn't settle down.
I personally think your daughter should have had the grace to contact you and thank you for devoting your evening to her children ( quite possibly as a favour and no cash exchange !)
So I think your daughter should have been courteous enough to let you know by text at least that she couldn't make the meal!
You have to value yourself as a person and I think some of the responses are undermining to say the least when you are clearly bereaved at what you would see as potential lack of contact.
I think you should just REFUSE TO BABY SIT AGAIN.
Just tell them that you're getting on in years and you can't do it any more.
Do not become an emotional hostage .
I think a lot of succeseful grandparenting is a myth.
I have spoken to many people.
And it seems to me that the most successful grandparents keep a photo and send an asked for gift at Xmas.
How you want to be a grandparent is your own choice.
But , if the more you do , the more you're criticised , then that is not going to work for you.
Your daughter will have to pay for a baby sitter from now on and say : "thankyou" at the end of the babysit.
You deserve comfortable evenings and a bit of kindness.
I don't like to think of you being distraught and taking it out on yourself because you had a difficult baby sitting evening.

I totally agree. Notjustaprettyface asked for advice on how to smoothe things out. Instead she got a lot of flack.

Papermonster2 "Your attitude is absolutely appalling! You really do need to take a good hard look at yourself." YOU NEED TO TAKE A TASTE OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE. Your attitude is absolutely appalling and you really do need to take a good hard look at yourself! So do all the other nasty people on here. What the poster did was not the awful thing everyone makes it out to be. It's not the end of the world and there are some ridiculous comments on here.

Sago Really? Get some counselling? Why do some people think that's the answer to everything? Just a waste of money for snowflakes.

What a lot of bitchy unhelpful people to "Notjustaprettyface"

Notjustaprettyface I feel for you. I've only got one grandchild and she is normally very well behaved but when she was younger and I babysit, either at her home or ours or even in our caravan, she would never settle and took ages, crying and shout that she wanted this toy, that toy, a drink of water, needed the toilet, etc. I suffer from a chronic illness and stress was a trigger so although I started off very calm, as the hour or so of her performing passed my patience grew very thin. I would end up telling her forcefully that I had had enough amd she could cry or shout all she wanted but I wouldn't come back in to see her until she had been quiet for 10 minutes. After that she would go quiet and fall asleep and sleep all night. I can totally see where you are coming from. I have told my daughters when they were younger that they were being horrible and although I loved them at that point didn't like them very much. If your daughter can't see how her children behave then perhaps she needs to be told and advised that until they can behave for you, that you won't be able to babysit.

Yameus You need therapy for your hateful response! Get a life and go and bully someone else.

Refusing to go to bed at 10p.m. after an evening of being disobedient and vexatious would be wearing for anyone, never mind a grandparent who volunteered their time to help.

The child, if she does not learn to obey and behave properly will grow up spoilt, find it difficult to make friends and even more difficult to find or keep a job.

The parent should have a stern word with the child about pushing a respected adult beyond her limit.

Letting down another party for an arranged event of meeting without a word of warning is the height of rudeness and inconsideratation. The mother isn’t five!

My DGD loves me to bits but I had to correct her once for constantly interrupting me when I was talking to someone.
I looked strait at her and said
Shut your mouth, sit down, close your mouth, speak when you're spoken to. Don't interrupt me again it's extremely rude.
The look of shock on her face as I'd finally told her off for the first time ever was priceless.
We had a big hug and kiss after and she said she was sorry without being asked.
I think sometimes you need a direct approach when children play up.

Notjustaprettyface

Well it seems nobody has understood my plea for help
Never mind
I will not apologise to a 5 year old who doesn’t accept authority
She has been badly brought up and that’s the end of that
I fear my Dd will regret her soft parent approach in years to come
Children should be obedient
So I won’t thank u for your help
Once more , this forum disappoints

They’re not your children. Your dd children her rules! I’ve looked after my gc who when young could be difficult, I would never call them names, even when they behaved badly. If I did in the heat of the moment I’d certainly apologise for my action. ( which is independant to the child’s) They are children who occasionally misbehave the same way adults do. You owe your GC and your DD an apology. I suggest you refrain from babysitting until you can see the error of your ways. Even if they are really badly behaved it’s not your place to do anything about it.

notjustaprettyface
I think you must have been a very difficult controlling mother
Which is fine if that’s the relationship you wished for
But maybe explains your daughter’s attitude.
You criticise your daughters parenting style but that is her choice just like it was yours
Would you have accepted your mother being the same toward you?
That is why people have been harsh.
You seem to want it all your own way.
Moving on, it seems you will need to apologise to both someone said she thought you Hadley a lot of family background issues going on that maybe stressful and tiring for you re your husband if so please just apologise to your daughter to get over the rift for now whilst explaining it’s too much for you and you did not intend to be so harsh

We all say things we regret when tired I'd start putting yourself first and if the babysitting is getting a lot for you then let your DD find someone else was anything discussed about the childrens behaviour and refusal to go to bed for you

"I accept that but sheets defiant , rude and nasty"

This is your grandchild you're talking about and you call her nasty. I really think telling a child she's horrible is not an adult response. By all means reprimand her but what sort of lesson are you teaching her by name calling. Quite frankly I'm not surprised your daughter wasn't happy about this.
IMO you should apologise to your daughter, explain you were tired and the children wouldn't go to bed. If I was your daughter it would be a long time before I wanted you to baby sit again.

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Ludicrous ! Briefly keep mum. Dont let ptide cut you off. Let it die down. Send cards and presents as usual. Kids grow up !

ALSO re babysitting. Dont bite off more than you can chew !

Well said Steppi, exactly my sentiments. I have six Grandchildren and babysat a five year old ONCE, never again it was awful, that was the one and only time.

Sago

Is it just me?………calling any child a brat makes me shudder.

Me too.Even if it's the 10 year old 'Dennis the menace' from the problem family down the road.

Even more so when it's your own grandchild.

It is best to criticise the behaviour and not the child. We are in a unique position as grandparents....patience and kindness works better. Did you want to babysit? Or were you feeling unwell...try to work out what happened and why. I don't want to hurt your feelings but kids have an uncanny way of knowing if someone doesn't want to be around them. It can be sorted out but decide for yourself what you are to able to offer. Maybe you are asked to do too much. So only you can judge that. Offer what help you are able to give and, give your time and love to them when you can be with them. Maybe you could offer to have 1 grandchild at a time in your home and they can take take it in turns. It gives us a chance to really build up a special relationship with each of our grandchildren. That is truly beautiful.

Yes, l agree..Although they are only children they still need to taught what is acceptable behaviour when they stay in your home.

Your daughter l think could be using you to suit herself.

I would suspend contact for a while and rethink the situation.

Notjustaprettyface. Make a life for yourself, join the U3A, Oddfellows, ladies groups etc. there's a lot out there and no need to be lonely

NJAPF if you are expecting empathy and support there are plenty on Gransnet who would rather judge and reprimand, so be prepared. As for Mumsnet, well...
I do have a lot of sympathy for you and do not agree with those who seem to think that losing your temper is not 'adult'. It does not do children any harm to see anger, but they also need to see it is contained, that the adults can handle it and not get out of control. And of course it's good for children to hear an apology, where one is due. I would say one is due here, NJAPF, because the thing to do is of course to call the behaviour horrible, not the child. To be called 'horrible' leaves no hope, to be told one's behaviour is 'horrible' means one can improve and learn. It sounds as if you acted under great stress and were very tired, so it's understandable, but in my view it was not advisable and needs an apology for the sake of your relationship with your grandchild, and the child's welfare. That memory could have a significant effect, but you can put good memories to balance it out. I am not a great fan of the ultra-gentle parenting that's promoted these days. I'm not sure what sort of adults will be raised - sometimes it works, no doubt with certain subtleties and circumstances, but the danger is it can create an entitled, selfish human who is simply not equipped for the demands of life. I also think that it is no wonder so many people are suffering from stress and exhaustion, when both parents are working full time and then have to be all sweetness and light for badly-behaved kids - or suffer guilt and criticism. By the way, I'm a counsellor with 37 years of experience, mother of four and grandmother to four, so I say none of this lightly.

Goodness Sago - what snowflake planet are you on?! Sorry, I don't mean to be rude - but if the word 'brat' makes you shudder how on earth do you manage not to have a permanent attack of the vapours, in these days of paedophiles, grooming gangs and child murderers - and that's what we actually know about!

undines

Goodness Sago - what snowflake planet are you on?! Sorry, I don't mean to be rude - but if the word 'brat' makes you shudder how on earth do you manage not to have a permanent attack of the vapours, in these days of paedophiles, grooming gangs and child murderers - and that's what we actually know about!

Because IMHO for an adult to refer to a child as a brat is nasty.

How this is related to grooming gangs, paedophiles and child murderers is beyond me.

undines

Goodness Sago - what snowflake planet are you on?! Sorry, I don't mean to be rude - but if the word 'brat' makes you shudder how on earth do you manage not to have a permanent attack of the vapours, in these days of paedophiles, grooming gangs and child murderers - and that's what we actually know about!

undines -
Then you say:

if you are expecting empathy and support there are plenty on Gransnet who would rather judge and reprimand, so be prepared

Oh, how ironic 😂😂😂

Peaseblossom

Yameus You need therapy for your hateful response! Get a life and go and bully someone else.

Oh this thread is the gift that keeps on giving!

Peasblossom you responded to me with……… Sago Really? Get some counselling? Why do some people think that's the answer to everything? Just a waste of money for snowflakes

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣