Someone's come for my dad.

rubylady I can understand exactly how you must be feeling. I am going through a very similar situation with my mum. Advanced bone cancer (15 years after diagnosis) she has a severely broken leg, shoulder and arm. She also has kidney failure and has been unable to dialysise for over a week now. Today she is being released from hospital to home with a hospital bed in place and end of life care. Yesterday morning she asked to see her 2 grandchildren (my son and daughter) and spent a happy hour chatting to them both although they struggled to contain their distress. Doctors have said she only has days left to live and she is fully aware of this (which makes things so much harder to bear). She is being incredibly brave and has said that she is ready to go. I have almost lived at the hospital for the past few weeks although I cannot stay off work and having to do both is physically exhausting.
Last night her medication (delivered by a pump) was increased to such a level that she drifted in and out of sleep and talked a lot of nonsense followed by short snatches of perfect memories of holidays her and my dad had enjoyed in the past.

As many of you know I lost my darling grandma in September at the grand old age of 99 but my mum is only 74 and I feel so cheated and angry. She and my dad should have been still enjoying their retirement and planning new adventures together. I just feel so, so sad.

I'm sorry Gillybob. Could you not stay off work? Your Mum dies once. Work will always be there. I'm sure your GP would give you a sick note . You only need one once you have been off for a week. Your employer should be sympathetic and it sounds as if the end is near. Think of your Mum,dad and yourself and put your work ethic aside at the moment. Take care x

Gillybob what a horrible time you have had this last year! So sad for you. ((Hugs))

Oh Gilly. Isn't it hard? I agree, it's more than reasonable to ask for some time away from work. Most GP's would understand. A friend is dying and the strain on his family is enormous, those who have needed it have been supported to have some respite from work. As one GP said, 'I can't take the situation away, I can take you away from work and give you time.' Sad for you, ruby and all in the same position. Please look after yourselves.

I know it's difficult for you to stay away from work gilly but it might be sensible so you don't slump afterwards. At least try to do fewer hours. It does seem so unfair that your mum should be dying at such a young age. and (((hugs))) for you.

I'm so sorry to hear this gillybob. What a year you're having

ruby Hope that your boiler's sorted without any hassle and that your dog gets on all right at the vets. Why does everything always happen at once?

for you both and anyone else who is feeling sad

Thank you for your kind wishes everyone. I do hope you don't think I am trying to hijack your thread in anyway rubylady I just couldnt see any reason to start yet another sad and miserable thread.

I wish I could stay away from work mumofmadboys and cornergran Sadly my DH and I run our own micro business and if I am not at work there will be no-one else to do my work (invoicing, paying bills, , dealing with suppliers and customers, paying HMRC, wages............ etc). My sister works in the NHS and has been told to stay off as long as she needs but she doesn't drive so still relies on me to do all the running around.

I am running in and out (doing the minium I can get away with) kittylester which will catch up on me very soon.

gillybob That is so sad. And so hard for you. x

gilly

Can't imagine how hard this must be for both of you. ???

gilly, ((((hugs)))), what more can I say? Thinking of you and ruby as well. And anyone else in similar distressing circumstances.

There are no words that help in your situation, stay strong. I send my very best wishes to you and yours

As anno says and more (((hugs))).

When my own DM was dying I allowed my employers to hustle me back to work well before I was able both physically and mentally and it was not good for me. Just thinking about this I have realised that I still have great resentment towards them for this and the resulting fallout. I would advise anyone in the position of ruby and gilly to take as much time or even a little more than you think you need since your head is always ready before your body is. Your body will just stop if you are not careful and it will take more recovery time of that happens.
to all in this position.

Sitting at my mums house now waiting for her ambulance to bring her home (my dad is with her) hospital bed delivered and in place although I have had a mad dash around to get single sheets and a stash of pillows ( what made me think they would provide them?) . Getting her home will be bitter sweet as I know she doesn't have long.
I only wish it were that easy Synonomous effectively I am my own "employer" . I agree with you if (in an ideal world) I worked for someone and could rely on someone else to do "my" workload as it stands it's me or no one .

Gillybob you have had to bear much in this last year. Hold on to the thought that what you are doing for your mum is the most unselfish action of a loving daughter. For all your sakes, especially your Mum, I hope it will be peaceful and painfree.

Well said,*Alea*. I'd only add that we are here for both you gilly and ruby'

For ruby and Gilly. What a rotten time you're both having, I wish we could help ((hugs))

Heartbreaking situation Gilly - I don't know which is actually worse - when they're lucid and know exactly what is happening which was both my in laws or very confused with dementia which was my own parents. Both my in laws waited until they'd seen all their grandchildren. My FIL said to my son and DIL who had travelled 200 miles to see him 'goodbye and have a nice life' as we left - he passed away the next day It sounds as if you're mum is at peace with what is happening to her and I hope you all find the strength to get through what has to come.

I am in tears reading these posts. I am very emotional anyway at the moment and can only send you both the warmest wishes I can conjure up for the coming days.

Best wishes to ruby and gilly its rubbish losing parents whatever their age keep strong x

Sorry,*Gilly*, didn't realise about your work situation. Please take care of yourself as you can. X

The nursing home where my father was for the ten days before he died was amazing. Prior to this he had been in hospital for 8 weeks and quite poorly cared for. Once at the home he was thoroughly washed, looked clean and tidy and was relaxed and comfortable. The staff were absolutely lovely and although sadly I was not with him when he died, one of the nursing staff was. This gave me great comfort as they were able to tell me that he just slipped quietly away. But, it is no easy thing finding the right home....

"The Black Prince has left the building."

My dad died this afternoon, very peacefully and he looked like he was pain free. I was there with my sister and brother both yesterday and today, in the nursing home. They crawled out of the woodwork to come and see him at last. It's been years since both were bothered about him.

Today, I had nipped out but had asked staff to see if they could get a vicar to come and say a few words before he went. She came to see him when I wasn't there. My sister asked her "Do we really need to do this? It's my sister who has asked you, I'm not religious." The vicar replied that seeing as I had asked, she would say a prayer and then did so. She then placed her hand on his head and told him to go to God. He took another breath, a tear ran down his cheek and he stopped breathing. It is very strange that he died as she placed her hand on him and released him to God. I got back just after but didn't beat myself up about not being there. I have told him many times how I feel about him and appreciate what he has done for me, so I didn't feel guilty and he was ready. He didn't look like himself though.

For the last two day all I have got is how we need to pull together, be there for each other, not make the same mistakes our parents made, not concentrating on a dying man, their own father. I don't want to pull together with them. I have asked for help from them both for years and got nothing.

I will now concentrate on sorting the funeral out. I don't feel sad, just relieved that it was quick and a lovely death (if there is such a thing) and he hasn't suffered for any length of time.

My mum actually ended up on the same ward last week and last Wednesday they were having tea together, reminiscing about their wedding (divorced 14 years now) and telling each other that they loved each other. When she left she kissed him and said goodbye. It was very moving to hear about. But, today my sister has been obsessed about telling my mum how he is and then going to hers to tell her he had died. It was sweet how they were last week, but they are divorced. It could maybe have waited until he had died, have a bit of breathing space and then gone and told her. The focus should have been on him today, not her or whether we "pull together". I feel a bit robbed of the time I should have had just being with him quietly. I took my cd player in and some classical music but my sister was playing Dire Straits next to his bed. She wanted it for the funeral. I have got annoyed though tonight at the comments made, totally inappropriate and unfounded, and definately not for the side of a dying man's bed. I just kept quiet at the time to keep the peace but I have said my peace now.

Plus they wanted to go to his flat and look what they could take. Argh! Where do they get off from taking from a man they haven't seen for years and didn't give two hoots for? When he was going to Christies, no sign of them. But that's normal for them, only on the take, both of them. Get the funeral over with and then I never want to see them again. But I do feel robbed of my day with my own very special loving dad.

Gilly It is fine to add on to this thread, we are going through similar things although I hope that your relatives are better behaved than mine. I do feel for you, it wasn't nice to sit there and see him deteriorate, but he didn't seem to be in any pain after I got them to administer the morphine he was written up for but hadn't been given . I hope that you find some peace in the next few days and weeks and try to look after yourself. As it is for me, he is now with the funeral director and seeing as it is a Bank Holiday weekend, I can't actually do anything more until Tuesday, which, in a way, is a good thing. I can concentrate on making plans, resting and enjoying Easter with my son. Nothing else can be done now. You take care and PM me if you need to or just want to chat.

Everyone else, thank you for all your lovely messages. Apologies this is a long one but I had to vent too over their terrible behaviour. I appreciate your support. I expect it will hit me sometime but for now I am just in a daze, feeling it has happened to someone else. Thanks my friends. Xxx

The Black Prince was his nickname at work. A welder, he loved it.

ruby I'm sorry for your loss.

gilly I understand the need to keep things ticking over at work and that you want to be with your mum as much as possible, but it is beyond exhausting so I really do hope that someone is taking care of you. I've been ill ever since I got home from looking after my mum (who continues to linger on) and it's only now that I'm beginning to recover from the strain.