Should a dying person's wishes always be honoured?

Yes, you have to respect huis wishes but it was quite unreasonable of him to put you in this position.

A few years ago it was my mother in laws request to not have her other daughter inlaw at her funeral when she died. I respected her wishes and carried that through since then I have lost contact with my brother inlaw and his wife and a niece and nephew. I do not feel any guilt as my mother in law had her reasons. I loved her to bits and think no one should go against anyone's final wishes or question them.

I think you have been very honoured and respected by the person who has entrusted you with this information. My own view would be that you should respect those wishes whatever your personal feelings may be. This is not about you and your beliefs or wishes. You do not know and can never know all the details of the thoughts, feelings and personal history behind those wishes but they must run pretty deep for the person to be so clear and so specific about what they want in this last stage of their life.

The greatest gift you can give someone at the end of their life is to respect their wishes. I do agree with those who suggest asking for something in writing from the person providing documented information about their wishes. It would protect you from any accusations after their death. It is not an unreasonable request to the person in the circumstances. It says a great deal about the esteem in which you are held to have been entrusted with this difficult request. Consider it an honour and not a burden.

I think it's pretty selfish of him to do this to you and draw you into a complex and intimate family problem, effectively making it YOUR problem too.

Of course, he won't be around when the sh*t hits the fan and his family won't be able to remonstrate with him but you can bet your life they'll be coming after you.

I think you should absolutely respect his wishes and also let him know that even though you disagree with his thoughts you will do exactly as he asks. It would be very sad if he loses you as a friend and confidante when he probably needs this the most.

Dollyjo.What concerns me about this 'burden' that has been placed upon you and without a doubt it is a burden is that another person's, M's, health is suffering because of this. Is this acceptable to you?
Where are your priorities? ?.The only way I can see, and respecting this persons request, is to get a document drawn up by this persons solicitor that it was the person in question's wishes that his personal details were for your ears only and no one else. Then take it from there.

Firstly ,hope he has made a will correctly , and if he has not then the intestacy rules take over whether any one likes it or not , they are very specific and under English law.
what you have been told is for your ears only, so respect that. A will stops all the problems.
if you want check out the rules and probate requirements

Direct response to OP: Not if it causes problems for the living.

What a heart wrenching situation for you. However, like others here, I do feel his wishes must be respected. I would try to contact him again and say that you will do so, in an effort to re establish your former relationship. He will need this, surely, in his last months - unless perhaps there is someone else in his life that he can draw support from.
I would try hard to get closer to him again, as you could both gain comfort from this.

Respect his wishes he obviously trusted you to do as he asked

A person's wishes should be respected, but I do wonder if he has considered how the rest of the family might react if they would have liked to say a final farewell. You give no indication as to why he has estranged himself from them, or maybe they have estranged themselves from him!
I think he should have gone to see a solicitor and clarified this situation with them. If you are close to the other family members you are probably going to feel on edge now, knowing what you do.

I agree with Baggs. Keep the confidence. Don’t dwell on repercussions. There won’t be any unless you spill the beans that ‘you knew’. It’s not your secret to share.
Contact him again and tell him you were wrong to judge.

I would ask him if this was his wish to put in in writing then it would clear you of any misunderstanding with his family.
If it ever me l would follow his wish , this is his decision you have no idea what has gone on in his life .
It’s a dreadful situation for you to be in and he must trust you to deal with what he’s asked of you, but if he doesn’t have you maybe he has no one

Definitely respect his wishes, do they have to find out you knew?

Honour his wishes.

My husband died and his will was that close family only attend the funeral. This was difficult but I overcame this by asking close friends to attend the scattering of his ashes some months later, followed by lunch at a nearby hotel. One couple with whom we had been friends for 40 years cut off contact when they were not invited to the actual funeral - some friends!!

I agree that his wishes should be respected, rather than looking at how everyone else might feel, especially as he has had no contact with them for a long time. His feelings should be the priority. Hope this helps.

Follow his wishes. Why would you not. If he is such a close friend why go against him? The only answer to this question is to meet your own moral code, implying you know best. Value him and his opinions. Heal the rift you have created and enjoy the last few months of friendship.

My Son has not spoken to me for 10 years
I don’t have a clue why he lives only a few
Miles away.
I still send him Birthday cards and Christmas cards
It’s a Mum thing I think
My wishes would be for him not to be told he has lost that right. I think
You should respect that from your friend he must have
Good reason.
Talk to him by the sounds of it he only has you don’t fall
Out over it to be honest and not being rude it’s none of your
Business really respect that

He has asked you in confidence, and I believe you should respect that. In a previous job, when a person died having had no contact with the family for years, it was amazing how they came out of the woodwork to claim what they considered was rightfully theirs. Let him die in peace, and leave it to the family to pick over the pieces afterwards.

The OP mentions that the dying man has severed contact with her. Death would do that. Perhaps he has died.

It's entirely up to him, IMO. I dare say he has his reasons, even if they may not seem reasonable to others.

As for funerals, more than once I've seen relatives who hadn't bothered to visit the deceased for ages, let alone do anything for them, turn up at the funeral and make a big show of grief-stricken weeping. Personally I have found it sickening, not to mention hypocritical.

When my Mum found she was terminally ill she expressed quite clearly that she did not want her eldest son or his children to attend her funeral.

He had caused her so much upset and heartbreak over the years and she said she did not want him near her again even after she had died after not speaking for over 20 years. I made sure her wishes were followed.

Your relative has his reasons, and as others have said you can inform them after his passing.

Are the rest of his family not in contact at all? If it were me I would have a chat to them and strongly suggest they try to repair the broken bridges. You don’t have to say why. You will still be keeping his wish of not telling them he is dying whilst also suggesting the idea to his relatives.

Also, if he has now severed all contact with you anyway, you have nothing to lose.

Dollyjo - how sad and difficult for you. If it was me I would honour his request and support him ( I hope you too have some support) I would ask him to write a note saying what he'd asked you to do. I would also write down something regarding his request to you and keep them together for later, should his children ask questions.
I personally feel that it is his death & he should be allowed to for it to take place in his own way.
It is a very difficult position for you and my heart goes out to you.