House in need of deep clean - DH won't get a cleaner in

Why do you have to ask your husband? Just do it.

Sorry but you would still have to declutter before any cleaner would agree to do a deep clean you require.
The men in your life need to step up and do their bit. If they won’t then tell them it will all go in black bin liners and sent to the tip. Hold firm and then pay for your deep clean. Good Luck. You shouldn’t have to put up with their crap. Hope your surgery goes well for you. X

Why are you asking you other half for permission? Just get people in to do it for you. Why don't you clean the oven each time you use it, it takes a few minutes? You need to get your husband and son to get off their backs Go on just do it and also get you lazy son and husband off their backsides to help you.

AuntieE

I am continualy suprised by the number of wives on Gransnet positng this kind of dilemma.

Please, do one of two things:

Get a cleaner in without mentioning it to your husband. What concern is it of his? I mean, he and your sons obviously do not clean nor tidy up after themselves, and as you work, or did so before your hip got so bad, I assume you can pay for the job without reference to your husband.

Actually, he should either foot the bill, or do the cleaning himself.

Which brings me to the second course of action you could take:

Choose a moment when all three of your menfolk are at home and tell them that either they tidy up and clean to your specifications or you will send for a professional cleaner.

Then take all the stuff that your DH leaves all over the place saying it is necessary for his dear fish and DUMP it in the garage, garden hut, cellar, disuesed hen house or whatever other storage space you have and tell him it STAYS THERE FROM NOW ON.

It is your home too, and should at least with regards to cleanliness meet your wishes.

Like everybody else I imagine - why does your DH have to give permission?

And the AC living with you need to muck in too.

It’s so easy to say ‘Just do it’! I bet the poor poster is thinking of the hookah and fall out. But….if you can ‘just do it’ after the hookah you will have a clean house and before long it may be that it was his idea all the time! Good luck.

Apologies for autocorrect! HOOHAH!

Do you make enough to be able to live independently ?

Devorgilla

I read the OP again. I think the least you should do is get someone in to clean the bathrooms and kitchen prior to your operation and for a period afterwards. I think it would give you some peace of mind. Just close the doors on the other rooms. I see your son who wants to bring the girlfriend doesn't live with you so maybe he can persuade the brothers to tidy their areas. The plastic boxes are an excellent idea. Fill them up, label them and stack them as near to where your husband/sons sit as possible.

This is one of the more helpful responses here. There will be lots of underlying, long run habits and behaviours here. Expecting that asking everyone to change/putting your foot down etc will result in a magical transformation is unrealistic. And we don’t know how angry this husband can get. Or how well OP deals with conflict.

I would start with getting someone in to clean the shared spaces regularly. Focus on neutral areas where no one has ‘ownership’ - kitchen and bathrooms, hallways and stairs. Be calm and clear with your family about what will happen, and the limits to where the person will work. Don’t worry about a deep clean - this is only what a decent cleaner achieves over a few weeks anyway and it doesn’t last!

Use an agency like Maid2Clean (or another). They are more expensive but will find you a cleaner quickly - and if you don’t like them, the agency will find you another, without you having to have the embarrassing conversation. Cleaners see everything - they will have seen loads of cluttered grubby houses and yours will come as no surprise.

Hopefully your family will get used to it in time, and might even like having cleaner, tidier spaces.

I am surprised at people who think that you can simply move or even throw out all of the kit associated with your husband’s hobbies. I am going to guess that they have never dealt with this issue irl. I’m very sympathetic to this which is a problem I share to some extent. I have found that I can sometimes ‘tidy up’ my OH’s stuff. I use plastic boxes and label them to get things a bit more organised. I have to wait until he is out though. He hates me doing it, but I think that sometimes he likes the result.

You could send your son some photos of the untidy house and let him know it may still be that untidy when they come - in case he wants to cancel

Just get a cleaner in. Permission not needed. Professional to clean oven too. Totally worth it!

Get him and your 2 boys to do it! Why is it left to one person? No way! Either they do it or just go ahead and get professionals in! And he has to move fish stuff out into the garage ? Maybe?
Seriously stop being a servant

I used to have a cleaner in when I worked. I am a crafter and have a MASS of craft stuff. I used to keep it in one room and say to the cleaners "that's my craft room, just leave it" In your case I'd pile all your husband's fish stuff into the dining room and say the same to them. he doesn't get any choice in the matter.

My DH was like this about getting a window cleaner... I could manage inside glass ok, but couldn't do the outside, especially upstairs. And despite saying he would do the outside, of course it never happened! DH didn't like the idea of someone looking in our windows.

Well, the first week I retired and was at home on the day the window-cleaner came into our close, I rushed out and booked him. Told DH, the sky.didn't fall in and it wasn't the.end of the world, and he couldn't have cared less; in fact he struck up a friendship with the man when he (DH) retired and they would have a long chat every time he came.

Go ahead and book a cleaner.

Just go ahead and organise one yourself! It's your house too... just get someoneother than your friend. PersonallyI would'nt like that either. Surely you don't need his permission! Just do it and tell him it's a health hazzard

NotSpaghetti

If he isn't wanting anyone in I'd say - to him and the sons "if you can do it in a week then I will be delighted and won't get professional help in."
" Otherwise at the end of the week I simply have to get someone in" as I can't live like this anymore and don't want to risk an infection with my hip."

Absolutely!

Dows HE work? Book a day off and get them in while he is out of the way.

As to dining room, buy some storage for his cr*"p

I would not have/did not go against my husband’s wishes. I wasn’t scared of him, I just cared too much to upset him. And yes, he wouldn’t agree to a cleaner when I needed one but was happy for me to send the ironing out. If the OP is at work then she actually DOES need her H to agree as he’ll be the one letting the cleaner in … or not!
I recently had a fall and had to have carers twice a day. If they hadn’t filled the time for which they were booked they were more than happy to do any housework I asked. In fact I could have booked them just for that. You’ll probably need carers after your operation so maybe…….. ? Just a thought!
Good luck with all of it.

I would not have/did not go against my husband’s wishes. I wasn’t scared of him, I just cared too much to upset him. And yes, he wouldn’t agree to a cleaner when I needed one but was happy for me to send the ironing out
I must be towards the upper end of the demographic at 77 but I sometimes wonder whether I am a different generation.
A man who is happy to let you send ironing out - really?
Why would a husband be upset at having a cleaner?
This is not the19th century, women were not put on this earth to cook, clean and pander to their”lords and masters “
We do not live under the Taliban - or do we?
With all due respect OP’s menfolk need to wake up their ideas, pull their weight - show some respect for their wife and mother
And OP stand up for yourself and do your future daughters in law a favour!

Go to a hotel for a week and let them all get on with it ! Soon change their mind ..

Oh I wish there was a like button.

do your future daughters in law a favour!

Yes, this too! 👏👏👏

ftm420 - you work full-time, have three men in the house and don't have a regular cleaner?? Where have your boundaries been all these years? I agree with others, simply get a specialist oven cleaner in, then give your DH and sons a week's notice that they must tidy their belongings away so that your deep cleaners can come in from an agency. They're in no position to argue. Split the cost between everyone to begin to instil the culture that housework and cleaning is evybody's shared responsibility.

ftm if you’re waiting hip surgery you must be in serious pain and less agile, both reasons why you simply can’t do everything.

Mr C often has to remind himself neither of us can or indeed should do physically what we did at 40, whether that be an oven deep clean or climbing on the roof. I’m more aware of our current reality.

He does the bulk of the heavy cleaning. It took open heart surgery for him to relinquish it. Cleaners came for three months, he could get better and I could relax. During that time I dusted and the cleaners did the rest.

I’m about to suggest a one off deep clean to stabilise us again. Recent,y we’ve both cut corners because of new health issues and I for one certainly have no desire to exhaust myself deep cleaning. It’s 18 months since the cleaners left. He’ll be affronted at first, then I hope realise it gives us a fresh base to work from. Something it sounds as if your home would benefit from.

In your shoes, if conversations fall on uncaring ears, I’d book the oven clean - no mess needs to be cleared away. Then I’d ask an agency to come and assess for regular cleaning. Decent agencies will always want to visit first. This person will say loud and clear what must be tidied away to support a thorough clean or what they can do with your home as it is. Ideally everyone living in the house should hear every word. At the very least your husband must be there.

Assuming the kitchen and bathroom aren’t full of things that shouldn’t be there they should be no problem . At worst you’ll have a clean oven and two clean rooms.

The thought of plastic boxes for your husbands hobby clutter is an excellent one. It could be a huge help and is simple to do. It reminds me of keeping the Lego tidy many years ago.

How are issues usually resolved? With four adults living in the house do you talk things through together or is it assumed you will deal with anything and everything. I suspect the latter.

It’s time to think of yourself. Please begin to take a step forward and simply book an oven clean, then go on from there.

I hope you won’t wait long for your surgery, living with constant pain is hugely debilitating.

Yet another thread where an op does not return.

Maybe she will in a few days time.

Regret I wrote that already!

She is not a first time poster.
And works full time and has a lot on her plate. Apologies.

We have a weekly cleaner, a gardener and someone to clean the oven. I could do it myself and OH would help but I have other things to do. Unless you’re destitute, just get someone in. It’s your house too.