RIGHT. I am back on the scene , very jet lagged and shattered, but just had to reply to this. My friend years ago had two little girls who didnt tidy up when asked and a husband who left things all over the place that " he was in the middle of working on and could not be moved" She then told them all clearly that whatever was not cleared away properly by X time would be got rid of. The deadline was reached and nothing done.
She literally got a pile of black bags and swept everything higgledy piggledy into the bags and then chucked them in the garage. When they came in and got a shock she told them they had one evening to rescue anything th at they cared about and put it AWAY in drawers as the bin men would be round in the morning. Anything not sorted would GO!!
She absolutely stuck to her guns and they got a great shock. They never expected her to stick to it so it taught them a lesson. Every so often later on when it began to get messy she would inform them that it was time for another clear out etc.
Now in this case they are all adults and have no right to behave in this way, so you have EVERY RIGHT to live as you wish as they seem to think they have. So I would simply wait until they are all at the table or in the same room and announce that you are no longer going to live in this mess. Things will be altering forthwith and they have that evening to remove anything important that they want to put away. DO NOT bargain, negotiate or listen to any arguments. simply make the announcement and then the following day , bring calm and peace to your own life. So this means ring up the oven cleaner people, perhaps ask around from friends for recommended sorters. then I would firstly go to the bank and get a reasonably large amount of cash out , so that your husband cannot block it and then get started. Let your fingers do the walking!! I would suggest that you start with the kitchen. Decide what you want doing, put a comfortable chair and table in the next door room and then sit there and get them to do the cleaning, where they can check with you on any important little things that need keeping etc. Then when the whole kitchen has been cleaned, inside and outside of the cupboards, walls floors etc etc, you can sit and enjoy the results, consider what worked well and what didnt, and make small adjustments ready for the next room - the bathroom. Repeat the process and of course ensure that you are in overall charge, and that you ask them nicely to make you coffee etc etc. Pay them and when your selfish and lazy family come back in, tell them that from now on this is the way the kitchen and bathroom will remain. Divide the bill into three and present them each with one. They made the mess they can pay. In the future they can either do the work and keep it tidy themselves or you will get someone in again. Then if you have been happy with the work provided, get the whole rest of the house brought up to standard in the same way. Once it is all in a decent state, you can start a new regime.
1. Each person will keep their own things put away in their own room or wherever it has been agreed
2. They are all adults and are equally responsible for the clean running of house and shopping etc.
3. Whilst you are having your hip replaced they are responsible for your share.
4. If they do not want to do the work they are responsible for paying someone on a weekly basis to keep up standards.
5. Your husband has had more than his fair share of space in the house and can now buy a shed/summerhouse, whatever in which to put his fish outside. He can have a chair outside and possibly a camera so that if he wants he can watch them from inside on cold days. All fish and parafinallia will now be removed never to darken the door of your house again!!
Of course they may refuse to do any of this , or start and then slide back into the shambles. Dont forget to take pictures of each room before and after cleaning up. Then depends on how much you still care for your husband and if you wish to live with him. If they do not want to do any of this fine, but in your case I would start looking for a pleasant flat or house to buy . If you still want to be involved with them, you could buy somewhere nearby, so that you can life the life you choose and they can have theirs. They may visit you whenever and you will never have to visit them !! They have had far too much of your life and endless efforts on thei r behalf. We are none of us getting any younger and you should be able to spend time as you want to. You will get a lot of pleasure in your new home, your radio is on your station, the toilet seat remains down etc etc. Even prisoners get time off for good behaviour!! Let us know how things go and send us a picture of your new decent and tidy home when you get there!!
Now we are all rooting for you. Dont weaken, write a note to yourself to remind you that you are entitled to a life too. Talk to your friends and get their support. Keep pictures of the shambles in every room now, so that you can refer back to them if ever you need reminding what hell it was. Of course if your hip operation is soon you could arrange to stay at a b/b for some weeks after you leave hospital, whilst you recover Gransnetters are all here if you need support and reminding the way to go. Good Luck and enjoy the looks on their faces when you inform them of the way the world is going to change!!!
Madeleine and many others
