Widowhood.

And I imagine having no one to look after and to look after you is a huge loss too.

I miss every little thing about him. Even the things that used to drive me round the twist.

Yes, every little thing - so true. I was exhausted caring for my DH when he was so ill and I also looked after my mother for years when she had a dementia.

I have three sons but they all have busy lives and I try not to be too needy because they miss their dad and we haven't settled down to this strange life without him.

I remember my own mum who was a widow for 40 years and she did readjust - but it took a long time. I keep that in mind and it does give me hope because she did become reconciled to widowhood eventually.

My husband used to drive me crazy scrapping plates and bowls when he had finished eating - would love to hear that sound again.

((((hugs))))

Falcon
Cruises are marvellous. You can go for anytime dining or fixed seating. If you do the latter you sit with the same people every night. Not many cruises have single cabins so you then have to pay double, but there's always plenty to do and see. There are group activities you can join in like art, line dancing, quizzes, gym things, tours, bingo,lectures, singles meetings.
Some lines have professional dance partners if you like dancing. There is always something to do and you tend to end up in a likeminded group.
You can go to AA meetings or friends of- ( lesbian) it's like a mini world.
Or if you like, you can just sit and look at the sea ( I do that a lot. I find it soothing)
I did a blog on my Iceland Norway and Faroes cruise. I don't know if it's still available on GN?
I tend to go with Cunard who are at the pricier and formal end of the market. Some lines are much more casual ( and cheaper) Princess are very nice as well. I wasn't impressed by my P&O cruise, but it was their oldest boat.

I read the posts from widows and feel so sad for loves lost and lives changed. My daughter always says there is no bravery in being widowed because there was no choice, but I do think that there is fortitude and a lack of self-pity in these posts.
Even though she is happily remarried my daughter still has times when her grief for her first husband is overwhelming.

grannyactivist you are so right about the lack of self pity. I have found that my grief is not for myself, but for my darling husband who is missing this final part of our lives that we planned for. I imagine your daughters sadness is not for herself either. Also like your daughter says, we have no choice, we have to get on with it!

I agree nannieroz. You grieve for what they are missing and what could have been. I find it so sad that J didn't meet 2 of his gc's and is not there to see how the others are developing, that we didn't do all the planned trips and everything was cut short. I do feel sorry for myself sometimes - and like a child stamp my metaphoric foot and cry 'it's just not fair'. 'Overwhelming' sums it up very well GA.

I should have said scraping bowls not scrapping them. It sounds as if he threw his dishes away after eating.

I find that babysitting is very hard without my DH. We used to take it in turns to be the one who was watchful. My DH sometimes used to fall asleep! but he was a constant presence and someone to refer to regarding giving calpol etc.,

When we had finished babysitting we often used to go and have a snack and a drink and talk about the joys of being grandparents and how tired we were. I do miss that.

It's just one of the many things I miss - but what can we do but soldier on. A friend said that if it had happened to her she would have given up - but hey you can't. You have to pay bills, go shopping, present a happy sort of face to your grown up children etc.,

One of my major worries is having to go into hospital and not see him coming to visit, smiling and looking anxious.

So sorry for you all. Be strong and keep going.

I am astonished to find that in many ways the loss of DH gets worse as time goes by, somehow I had imagined that the whole thing would become easier but that's not the case.I lived alone for nearly ten years before we met but that was very different. I am fairly sociable and go out a lot and see people but there is still a deep loneliness. Like you Falconbird I worry sometimes about what would happen if I were ill.
I've made life much more difficult for myself since he died by moving house and then almost gutting my new home.I am living in my sixth temporary home this year. It's so wearing dealing with builders particularly when they think that a woman alone is easy prey for constant price increases.I am hoping to move back into my own home in about six weeks time so fingers crossed that life starts to improve after that.
DD has just announced that she is moving out of the area and DS1 is in the middle of a horrible separation from his partner which means that I rarely if at all see my grandchildren. Yes G A and Marmight not fair and overwhelming. But despite this rather miserable post I am determined not to lapse into self pity.
I was lucky beyond measure to have 16 years with my amazing DH. Now to find a life without him.

Fili (by the way if you are new then welcome to GN) used the word 'strong'. Yes, do try to stay strong, but don't be ashamed to cry when you need to.

Laugh but cry too. You need both in your life.

And it's the little things that can make us smile. A sunny morning, a bird singing, our hair looking good, a cream cake.

I too felt the real feeling of loneliness last week,I had started with a normal cold, then felt better, got up a week last Sat to go to the loo, sat on the loo (sorry too much detail)! the next thing I remember was, opening my eyes, thinking "where the h** am I" I saw the legs of the chair in the shower and was so confused, I had passed out and fainted! and of course there is only myself in the house now, my phone was in the bedroom, I somehow manage to crawl on hands and knees to my room and ring dd who is 2 mins away, she thought I had had a stroke, but it seems I had a virus, so my first day up and dressed today thank goodness,.But it really hit home, not that dh could have done anything as he was too poorly himself, and of course when your ill I think the grief is even worse.

I think this thread will be long running, not that we all want to doom and gloom, but by reading other posts we realise that we are not the only ones that are suffering, and it does bring some comfort in a silly way, that it is normal for us to feel how we do, we are not going mad or strange because we have these "odd" thoughts running through our minds, I think we could all write a book on "grief" and there would be very similar thoughts.
I still cry most days (9 months now) it would have been dh birthday next wed, I have had most anniversaries apart from the birthday/fathers day for DDs and then the death day.
I have been out in the garden this morning and the little tet'e tete daffodils that we planted are showing there little yellow heads, I found winter hard to cope with and thought the spring summer may be easier, but it's not, as it just makes me think that this is the time when dh was becoming more poorly, and he never saw his beloved garden that I had planted up with bright coloured begonias everywhere. I almost thought of just leaving the garden this year! but I will try and get absorbed into it as I think that trying to keep busy does help a little, I have the arbour to erect where the greenhouse once stood.

I wish I could wave a wand over you all (myself included) and make the pain go away,but....! so until we find a solution (if we ever do) then we can all come together here on GN and display our feelings,our thoughts, to others that understand our every word. Keep going everyone, keep getting up every morning,just try that little tiny tiny step when you can, just don't expect too much,don't expect to wake up the next day and dance round the living room,(although I accidently put a bit of music on one day a few weeks ago and it did lift my mood slightly) but have to be careful "what" kind of music I choose.
Life will never ever be the same for any of us, even though we know it's coming, nothing in the world could have prepared us for this.
hope the is out for you all today, try and take a breath of fresh air or little walk, even if its only round the block.....take care

Only this morning I was thinking that bikergran had not posted recently. So glad that you are OK and welcome back. I do believe that GN's are a huge aid to our daily recovery.

And anya you do make me smile quite often. Cream cakes indeed!

bikergran and all sad Grans

thankyou nannieroz (did someone mention creamcakes)

and harrgran
harrigran for some reason I always want to pronounce your name hairygran sorry! [shocked]

to all of you - I wish I could take away your pain.

bikergran's post reminded me of a friend who was widowed about 10 years ago.She was still working full time and was rushing to get out one morning when she fell down the last 3 stairs.She wasn't hurt,only shaken up, but she said she realised clearly for the first time what being alone meant. for you all.

Friends and family think that I am coping well. It's what I want them to think. But I am not. Grief is a difficult thing to talk about; even to oneself.

I lead an enjoyable and active life and I have a friend with whom I have a little holiday each year. Another friend with whom I walk, go to the cinema with and exchange cat-sitting duties. But, even after more than four years I feel the loss of my often irritating but, always, very loving and kind husband.

It's the price we pay for happiness with that someone special.

We're good at hiding it aren't we?

I sometimes wonder if a pet would help?
I'm allergic to cats and couldn't exercise a dog.
Don't fancy a bird.
Any ideas anyone?

There's a lady I see, when walking my dog Galen , she has only one leg and drives a mobility scooter. Her dog sits in the space where her leg would be when she's on the pavement and if she's in the park it runs beside her on the lead.

I'm not suggesting you cut off one of your legs but a dog is marvellous company. When my MiL was widowed I had a friend who needed to find a home for her Yorkshire Terrier. I mentioned it to MiL and she said 'no way' but I said I'd take the dog anyway and keep it myself.

I took it to MiL and asked her to try him for just one night. If it didn't work out I told her I'd keep him as a companion to my dog. She was still insistent she didn't want him but promised to try him for just one night 'but I won't change my mind you know'.

When I returned next day they had so bonded that it would have taken a general anaesthetic to separate them. That dog was so loved.

PS My dog isn't called Galen.

A lady near me does the same Anya, and, if she's feeling unwell, she has a local dog walker who pops in to walk the dog.
Perhaps not get a puppy but one that's been housetrained-my elderly (88 & 91) parents have a ex-breeding little poodle and wouldn't be without her for anything. They don't walk her but have a big garden and it suits them down to the ground with pottering around outside.