Slight PIL problem

Probably you need to think not only about these first visits, but the fact that the way they are managed might set the tone for the future. So you need to establish you are in control, but also that you welcome contact from grandparents (assuming you do). Your baby will grow into a child who may well benefit from a relationship with the wider family even if MIL can be overbearing. Emotions can run high after you have given birth, so best to tell your in-laws in advance that you welcome a visit, but set the time and duration - the two afternoons you propose sound ideal. I was in hospital for a week after my first and they were brilliant at managing visitors! The nurses wouldnt allow en masse invasions even in visiting time (two hours a day) and would come along and shoo visitors away on prior request!

I think they should respect your wishes. When i had my babies I was pleased to have my mother to stay and help for the first fortnight each time, but in those days my H had to go back to work straight after the birth so would have been on my own otherwise. For grandchildren it's different as the husband is home for a fortnights paternity leave these days and they usually want to get to know their new baby on their own. Each time I have asked (and been granted) a quick visit (around 2 hours ) for a quick peek in the early days then stayed away as requested. After dad has returned to work i have usually stayed if needed to help out which has been appreciated (i think) especially if i can help by allowing the mum to get some sleep.
But I have tried to do what they have wanted or requested. No-one wants a falling out, least of all.me! I think two afternoons would be extremely generous.

Oh, Old Meg, how I agree with you.

This woman doesn't want advice, she wants endorsement for her rules and boundaries as she draws up the battle lines against the in-laws.
I'm just cross I wasted time reading it.

babybawn I have a brilliant relationship with both my children and their partners .My sons partner invited my D and I to the hospital to see baby minutes after she was born as did my daughter ,I've helped with their care all their lives .GS is 15 youngest GD is 6 .I've had one GC half of every week since she was 18 months .I was there when she phoned in the middle of the night crying when she couldn't get baby to settle at 5 days old and I gave up my job to job share with D when GD was 3 weeks old so she could avoid the post natal depression she had first time .So I genuinely dont understand WHY you would stop family being involved .I know all familiies are different but ALL relationships are about give and take ,dont chase away the people who you might need to depend on further down the line .I had a strained relationship with my FIL but with a lot of effort we came to respect and care for each other ..I would never have excluded him from anything family related ..he was my OH's FATHER .He had the same relationship with HIS son that my OH had with ours why would I want to take that away from him ...however I felt about him !

Every family is different. Rearranged to stay in the area for 5 days after the baby was born, with no expectation of accommodation or meals, but thinking we could have a spring break and visit from time to time. After our 6 hour drive, though, we did visit for 2 hours, to catch up and to meet the little one. We have never been forgiven for a)staying for that long and b) not having a written timetable for any other contact during the break. The grudge has been held for four and a half years!

At this time you must do what YOU want to do.The most sensible suggestion I have seen is the 2 - 4 visiting hours - plead stress and lack of sleep. Max 3 times pw. Pick a time when baby likely to be awake. When time is up stand up and say firmly Lovely seeing you....and if they don't go go to another room and shut the door.

If you make your plan, stick to it but all the while knowing that in the end it might turn out differently for a variety of reasons (see the other grans above).

I find it strange that you won’t want your families to visit straight away. I couldn’t wait to show off my new baby. The day I came home from hospital, I remember fondly of cooking a meal for my brother-in-laws and their girlfriends.
I can also understand that you want time for the three of you, however, when family live away, it’s hard to get a close relationship with your grandchildren.

This is interesting, as at our age, we have been on both sides. As a young mother, I was in hospital for ten days after a difficult first birth and there were quite strict visiting times but had I immediately been at home I am positive I would have wanted to cherish time alone with just my husband and baby.

Now, of course, I see the flip side to that and hope I was sensitive to my daughters' needs (two!) to leave them time for their new family whilst enjoying the GP role.

So, a tricky one. I would emphasise (or, hopefully, have your husband emphasise) that whilst they are very welcome, you are tired and if they come it would be to see what they could do to help your situation rather than just purely sit and coo over the baby.

I feel very strongly that a GP's role is to support that of new parents, nothing else. Offer some small refreshments and after half an hour, if there is a small job to be done, ask them to do it (shopping, hoovering, anything to keep the wheels turning). Hopefully they will feel wanted, included and part of the new family dynamic.

Suggest they return in six months/a year, depending how feasible their journey is, so they can continue the family adventure but please do not feel you have to do anything you don't want to do. If they really care about you and your husband, they will want to fit in with you and help.

radicalnan what a nasty post. Keep your karma to yourself. Babybawn hasn't said they can't visit. She made a perfectly reasonable request that they wait for 2 weeks, not much really is it? If the baby is 2 weeks late then they aren't going to see the baby for a while so who is making the bad decision there?

I think the idea of asking them to wait 2 weeks and then organise the Christening while they were visiting was lovely, how sad that some grandparents are so determined to have their own way that they cut their noses off to spite their face. Karma for them maybe?

Once, for a photo op the day before they fly home. Keep to YOUR plan. You, DH and baby are the important ones at this time. Be polite but absolutely firm. Best wishes and congratulations. ☺?

I think it's impossible to plan exact dates & time frames for visits as you never know how you're going to feel. If you've had a sleepless night, any visitor is the last thing you need unless they say a quick hello and then do the washing up, tidying, etc.
A 2 hour visit is a long time but if relatives are coming from overseas, it's more difficult. Most new parents just want to snooze when baby is asleep! And hopefully most relatives remember this! On the other hand I think most new mums
surprise themselves by their need to discuss baby behaviour ad infinitum and so any visitor is welcome. My best advice, relax and go with the flow. No need to make specific 'times' for visiting now; rather wait until your home and see how it goes rather than stressing beforehand. If visitors arrive and you're tired, pop back up to bed. It will all be fine.

Wishing you much happiness with your first child. An exciting time ?

I'm with eazybee - 'oh no not again'.
This is a woman who has not even had a baby who is already terrified that the child's grandmother will visit...she has MILphobia and has chosen to join gransnet??? just weird.

as the mother of two very premature babies in the days when no one was allowed into SCBU except fathers(I was too ill to visit) I would have loved someone in the family to sit and talk to my babies especially the first prem who only lived days and no one saw her .Different circumstances I know but its always been a sadness for my MIL that she never saw her ,she is and has always been brilliant with her GC.

Teddy123 that is awesome advice, thank you

Paddyann

Your last comment was quite touching and made perfect sense.

I expect baby will be dictating this whole event depending on the time he/she arrives. MIL will be playing second fiddle whether she likes it or not and as for passive aggressive, well you will be so busy and focussed you will barely know she is there. Enjoy!

Paddyann

Got that wrong - sorry. I was referring to your comment at 11.26am

I would not call you selfish but out of touch with what the arrival of a baby entails. How do you or your husband know how you will feel after giving birth.? Show me the perfect baby.? The weeks following a birth are not always the wonderful bonding experience you read of in the 'How To' books.It is sad your baby will not have a maternal grandmother but your thread shows even your own mother would have been given a time when she was 'allowed' a visit to see her new grandchild.No one expects you to have a home full of visitors and you don't appear to have a favourable opinion of your MIL. I find OTT the suggestion in one thread you allow visiting times 2- 4 . We are talking of a child not an object.
You intentions are based on how life is to be in the couple of weeks following the birth of what I believe is your first child. Carry on as intended and experience be guidance should you have plans for any future children you intend having.

I’m very glad that there is a silver lining ?????
It’s quite possible that the iLs may not want to stay with you anyway, have you given that a thought.

Gabriella once for a photo opportunity the day before they fly

That is possibly the meanest thing I have ever heard !!

Its like showing the dog the rabbit ! And then taking it away.

For pities sake , these are the child's grandparents its not like they have come to rob them , just show their love for the new arrival. I totally agree the new mother doesn't need them there all day every day but a couple of hours a couple of times cannot possibly interfere with any bonding or anything else. Its not like these people live round the corner and can pop in daily.

Show a little compassion please.

Pull up the drawbridge!

HellsBells the OP hasn't said she won't let them see the baby, she is say they can visit and then see how it goes. Where is she not showing any compassion? It's just a bit difficult as ILs can't wait till2 weeks after due date and let's face it the baby could be 2 weeks late anyway. I can't believe that people think it is sensible to pay for flights and not allow for the fact that babies don't arrive to the GPs schedule.

Babybawn, I am sure you have been warned that the days following the birth of a baby are bot blissfully serene and sweet. If anything, you'll both be knackered from lack of sleep and a complete, chaotic change to your routine in seeing to a demanding baby, It is exhausting. You may also feel slightly down. Baby blues can kick in, so what you imagine to be wonderful, smiley bonding time might mean you are really fed up, crying, sore, tired and thinking "Oh please baby, just sleep and stop crying!"

A whole day full of people, no matter how much you love them may be too much. Most considerate people pop in , with food or flowers, have a quick cuddle and then leave you to it.

Life changes drastically when baby arrives. Give your folks - all of them, a limited time slot. Their plans, their arrivals an departures don't matter, your tiredness does.

For those of you who thought my reply a bit ‘harsh’ then I’m hearing the same sort of sentiments from the OP that is so ‘fashionable’ these days which is ‘my way or no way’. This is the type of mindset that leads them to ghost their parents and in laws.

Oh. I could be much graphic so be grateful I expressed my thoughts in a mild manner.

However, I’m getting a lot of vibes that many poster think as I do and we’re sick to the back teeth of that generation blaming ‘us’ for everything from the state of the NHS (bed blocking old biddies) to the housing crisis and Brexit.

Old Meg, I am with you 100% All we ever did was our best and I know from reading threads here many of our generation of grandparents help out more than ever before with long and regular stints of unpaid child care.

Where is the love? We have bred a know-it-all and rather whiny, ungrateful generation of young people who, it has to be said, and if social media is anything to go by, see us as a selfish, privileged group - who do, as you say, 'block beds.' I am consumed with anger when I read on social media that 'old fogies' ought to be euthanised and thank goodness ours is a generation which is dying out! It's incredibly blinkered and mean thinking.

Sorry, I shouldn't tar everyone with the same brush. I imagine most of us dearly love our children even if they can be imperious and high-handed at times. They have this incredible confidence/thick skin. Perhaps it's just evolution, but as a generation which had to, on the whole (and rightly or wrongly) 'respect our elders,' I find the dismissive attitude of many young parents incredibly brazen.

Sorry to derail your thread babybawn. This probably isn't the place for a rant, but it does help to look at other perspectives from time to time. Love does help the world go round. I think it's imperative that we don't see our relatives as 'the enemy'. We all have feelings.

I wish you well and hope the visiting arrangements once baby is born go smoothly and no feathers are ruffled.