Differing retirement ideas!

My OH still insists on doing DiY, unfortunately he will only do about an hour then he says he's 'had enough for today' and downs tools leaving a mess to be cleaned up. It took 4 months for him to redecorate the kitchen by which time I was at my wits end with the constant mess. I have now said he can't do anymore and I will pay someone to come in and do it in future so that I can be tidy agin quickly. I think you would be better off paying to get your DiY done if he has no interest in doing these jobs.

I am as usual shocked at the tolerance shown to selfish husbands! Why are intelligent competent women allowing themselves to become taken for granted door mats/mother figures to elderly men! We are living in an age where equality is espoused, yet I hear over and over of husbands who do little or nothing around the house, no help with caring for GC and none for elderly relatives, men who are mean with money or controlling and women make excuses for them! Men who put their own hobbies as a serious priority yet begrudge their wives any time to themselves! Men who won’t mark birthdays or anniversaries not because both have agreed this but merely due to selfish meanest!!!
Unpaid employment such as caring for small children has a value as much as paid employment and it’s high time this was recognised! If the unpaid child care and elder care wasn’t done then paid people would have to do it at umpteen costs to the economy!
This isn’t aimed at anyone by the way but is my general observation from reading through various threads. Maybe it’s a generational thing as the grans on here are from a wide age range. But speaking only for my own social group of 40/50 year olds we would not tolerate much that others seem to pacify accept with only a passing grumble!

Men need guidance, when he gets out of bed, say make the bed Darling and I,ll get the tea, going in the garden Darling put the washing on the line, but at the end of all this, housework, maybe 2 hours max a day, then enjoy yourself, watch films, read books, go shopping (nice shopping) not food. Enjoy yourself on any day you are free because he is.

When I was in primary school in the late 1950s, I honestly believed that women got their pension sooner because they never retired from keeping house.

We do seem to hear about those men who don't share the chores. I am absolutely certain there are men out there caring for sick partners, doing more than their share of chores and looking after grandchildren. Let's hear about them now.

People keep saying get a cleaner but op has said they are on pensions and dip into savings. I am blessed with a DH who while steady on a ladder does not change light bulbs ( don't ask , best a veil drawn) so I book in our handyman when I collect several jobs. We had a roof leak about two years ago which although torrential at the time and now repaired the ceiling stain has passed totally unnoticed by DH. I wobbled up the ladder and daubed it with stain block. Still not noticed by DH. I would love to have his indifference to the degradations that happen to a neglected house. He is always slightly bewildered when workmen appear

I'm with you jenpax, you can almost guess the age group of the posters by their willingness to put up with c..p and be complete doormats, which is why they seem to post on here for advice because they just can't find it in them to tell their men to take a hike. " better not confront poor Herbert, he's busy fiddling with his train set in the loft, I'll just have to lay this carpet myself "

There has to be some sort of chip in some women's mental make-up which glitches, when they allow their men-folk to revert to adultescent teenagers while 'mum' takes care of everything.

sassenach512 I am sorry, but your post is absolute nonsense. I am in my mid-70s and my group and those older are no more likely to be doormats than any other age group. I can remember the how relationships worked for my parent's generation, born in the early years of the last century and doormat and submissive marriages were as uncommon then as they are now.

You shouldn't believe all the rubbish younger women and current media publish about women's lives before 2000. Most of us lived our lives as independent women and were not submissive to men.

Get some help, do something you love and somewhere try and find a day to do something together. Retirement is a huge time e of adjustment.

I'm glad to hear it M0nica, and I'm sad to hear you think I'm talking nonsense but I don't think you should be dismissive of 'younger women' and their views either. If you noticed, I said 'some women' not all. I'm sure there are many sassy women out there who are proud to be independent and strong, but you must see on these pages that there are many who aren't as well.
Maybe you were more fortunate than others to live an independent life and I do remember my mother's generation not having that luxury.

But sassenach you said you can almost guess the age group of the posters by their willingness to put up with c..p and be complete doormats and I think that is rubbish.

I know of no evidence to suggest that older women are more likely to be door mats than younger women and I do get sick of reading articles suggesting women of an older generation lived more constrained subservient lives; not working, not having careers, devoted to house and home

Women, now 80, reached adulthood in the late 50s/60s. were part of the 60s generation that broke away from previous constraints and took every opportunity to shape their own lives, for good or ill. The suggestion that older women were more likely to be subservient haus fraus is ridiculous.

I'm speaking not only for myself but also for my late mum.
Born 1921. Important role in WW2. SAHM then university in the 50's. Successful teaching career, retiring as a respected head teacher.
Brought up 3 independent daughters with the full support of dad.
Her role model was my gran (born 1896). She ran the small family business while G'dad served in WW1 and 2 and then alongside him later.
She was a super gran who introduced us to dancing and theatre. Although she was widowed in her 50's she was a shining example of a strong woman to family and friends.

We do seem to hear about those men who don't share the chores. I am absolutely certain there are men out there caring for sick partners, doing more than their share of chores and looking after grandchildren. Let's hear about them now.

Happy to help, sodapop. As stated, mine does all the day to day catering, the gardening (including a large allotment), the rubbish and other mucky jobs (drain clearing, etc). We also do our DGS duties together, and he has a great relationship with the lads. When his mum was alive and needing care, he and his brother did the bulk of it. He does his share of dishwashing and laundry, though to be fair machines do most of that. He does most of the vaccing. He'd happily do DIY, but I've learnt from experience to steer him away from it, especially if I see a hammer in his hand....

Leaving me with tidying, dusting, kitchen and bathroom cleaning, and my share of the laundry, dishwashing and childcare. When we have family meals here or friends round, I'm in charge. I do the decorating, carpet laying, etc when required and the admin (finance, holiday planning, present buying, booking stuff). House repairs we leave to the experts. Nobody irons.

As for grocery shopping, I click, he collects.

So, we play to our strengths and we each have oodles of spare time to enjoy both together and separately. Which is why I recommended earlier to the OP finding what he likes to do and entrusting him with it, instead of insisting he does something he clearly hates.

DH is very good at DIY which has saved us a lot over the years - apart from the fact that he hates decorating so we do get someone in to do that now.
However, if your DH is capable but won't, then sit him down and ask him exactly how much he thinks it would cost to get someone in to do all the small jobs around the house that need doing. He may be happy to pay or not, in which case give him a 'snagging list'.

I had to persuade DH to find some hobbies other than gardening and DIY when he retired so he joined various groups and charities and now he's out more than me.

I did insist that on at least one day a week we go out together, not shopping, just to a NT property or similar, or out for a walk and lunch, although today was shopping (not for food).
We have a handwritten diary so that we can check what we're doing and then find things to do together on free days.

Which is why I recommended earlier to the OP finding what he likes to do and entrusting him with it, instead of insisting he does something he clearly hates.
Absolutely Maggiemaybe - my DH irons because I hate it.
As for carpet laying - well I am in awe!!

M0nica, you have obviously taken umbrage with my posts and seem determined to cast me as 'ageist' which I certainly am not and I take umbrage myself, at your suggestion. I feel that we should not be hi-jacking Nana's thread with this pointless to-ing and fro-ing but so be it.

Of course women of the older generation are not all subservient, neither are younger women, but some are.

I can only speak from observance of women of my mother's generation and the mining village I grew up in. There was no university for them or opportunities to break away and find a well-paid career. Most found a lad from the village and became sub-servient wives and mothers devoted to house and home, some were happy, many were not. Maybe this has coloured my views but it taught me never to sit back and let myself be taken for granted, which my original post was advising.

That is the end of the matter as far as I am concerned, I see no need for further debate, I suggest you bring an end to your barrage too.

Unless you need a crisp white shirt every day, why?
I'll ask DH Maggie
He does need a crisp white shirt from time to time but even so - everything gets ironed!!

Saggi it may be too late, but we should start as we mean to go on, although I did have to do a lot of that when DH was away with work.

The suggestion that older women were more likely to be subservient haus fraus is ridiculous.
Definitely women in their 70s were not subservient M0nica unless they either chose to be or married the wrong man.

I do remember my mother's generation not having that luxury.
Sassenach I'm not sure what that generation is - do you mean women who went through the war years - because they had to be independent, and in fact many were widowed and had to get on with everything - they were strong women.

If you mean women now in their 70s then you may not have heard of the 1960s Women's Liberation Movement.

I have never been a doormat either at 20, 30, 50, 70 or now at 80.

We have always done DIY together and I have wallpapered all the rooms in this house I'm in, many times in the last 40 years. When I do I have DH as odd job man and cook and when he is working I help him as well. We work very well as a team it is one of the best things about our marriage.

If Nanna58 is having trouble with OH then I would let him really do nothing for about 4 months just to relax and to enjoy not working then I would start and try to get him used to working again.
My sister in law gave me some good advice when I was first married. I told her DH washed up when I had migraine and she said well if I were you I'd have migraine more often.
Whatever you do don't spoil him.

Sodapop
Here here!!
I live with a wonderful man. But it was inferred on another thread that when you post of how good things are in your world, you make people feel worse.
But he knows that I will be eternally grateful for all that he has given and done for me.

Yes Jalimal, I have heard of women's lib, maybe there was a lot of 'swinging 60s' in places like London, not much of it going on in our pit village. Times change in varying degrees depending on where you live.

My two emails were hardly a barrage, but you must expect to see the views you express criticised on GransNet if someone thinks them wrong. I get plenty of criticism and deal with it, but not by trying to truncate discussion.

Do you mean 'shorten' discussion M0nica? I can see I'm going to have to brush up on my vocabulary in future.
I can understand how you must get plenty of criticism, maybe if you stop taking lesser mortals to task and learn to scroll past posts which displease you?

sassenach you say there weren't university opportunities in your pit village. The same could be said of the cotton and jute mills. But strong women like my gran (backed by g'dad) made sacrifices to let mum stay on at school past 14. Post-war my young parents worked hard so that both could embark on the training they needed for their planned careers and they succeeded.
Opportunities don't just occur and my family didn't 'break away' to have careers. They buckled down and worked damn hard, so I don't buy into the mindset that says there were no choices to be made.