not allowed to see grand daughter

thanks namsnanny i will

nannytracey…….There is a thread permanently dedicated to people who are in differing stages of being estranged from members of their family (me included), which is called 'Support for all who are living with Estrangement'.
It can be found under the heading Relationships.

If you wish to come back some time and talk again, there are more people who have been through similar circumstances to both of us, and can do as the title suggests....support.

Best of luck

i thought i was already on that thread tbh i am very new

I wondered if that was the case. Well, you know where we are now!!

yes ive found you thankyou

Idk if you are still reading here, nanny, but I owe you an apology for a couple of things. First, I misread the first part of your name earlier and called you, "Nancy," LOL! Sorry about that!

Second, I realize you didn't say you got involved in a parenting issue when dd and family were "having a bad day." You just said you "tried to defuse things" (or something like that, I don't have it in front of me). But whatever it was about, unfortunately, dd and her bf may have felt you overstepped, as a pp said, even though I know your intentions were good.

I'm glad you sent an email letting dd know the door is open, just in case she is in a coercive relationship. I hope somewhere in that email you apologized for your mistakes in the situation. That might go a long way to softening dd's heart if she's angry at you for any reason.

If dd lied about the advice, Imo, that was a very immature thing to do. Chances are she thought it was the best way to convince you to stay away, but I still find it immature. It's possible, as notanan says though, that the school denied things because their conversation with dd was confidential. However, I would think they would just say that, so idk. Maybe, as she also suggested, one staff member didn't know what the other said. But if dd simply lied, my guess is it was to put some teeth into her nc demand. Regardless, more hugs!

Gaylord and moonbeames, my heart goes out to you ladies, also! And to your poor xdil, moonbeames! Glad she appreciates you and dh and the role you play in your gds lives. Also, kudos to you for standing up for the gd who was being mistreated, no matter what the cost!

I thought this site was a place of support, not interrogation..just saying.

When I met my husband, there might have been people who were wondering about coercive control when I disengaged quite dramatically from my mother's influence. He helped me to see that her "help" actively worked against me and that her motives were completely narcissistic. I had accepted her influence because I knew no difference as it was the way I was brought up.
I had been married twice to men who were similar to her and I was reeling; the children were with my second husband. When I met my husband I had an 8 year old and a 2 year old. With professional help I started to review my parenting style and my mother was horrified. I went from relying heavily on her for help from only letting her see the children when I could be around to intervene if she started her manipulative ways. I didn't go NC simply because I believe children have the right to have their family in their lives but I couldn't let them be "corrupted" by her twisted take on parenting.
My daughter was quite confused about it all but now she is older, she does the same with her daughter and my mother. I didn't badmouth her Gran, she just saw for herself when she had her own children.

Oh and nanny, I meant to say "Welcome!" (again, if you're still reading). Sorry I didn't say it earlier.

Ican, so sorry about your problems with your mother and first 2 husbands. Glad your 3rd husband helped you to protect yourself and your children and that dd has come to understand why. I think you were very wise to limit contact rather than go nc.

Thank you Starlady. I do think that we all play a part in our misfortunes to a certain extent. I can look at my Mum’s Mum (who always seen by me as the greatest lady on earth) and see how much she undermined my relationship with my Mum and how having a champion made me feel that I had someone on my side. My Mum learned that behaviour from her so it was considered normal for her too.

thanx starlady im still around

and the funny thing is when i rang school im still down as point of contact in case of emergency when cant get hold of mum
i still have my set of keys to my daughters house for when i picked up grand daughter from school took her home, done homework , cooked tea
when her mum was busy
im a very flexible nanny to all my kids and will help in any way i can
i am very lucky to have a flexible job that enables me to do that

I thought this site was a place of support, not interrogation..just saying.

Depends really on what you mean by support. OP came on guns blazing asking about court. IMO since this all happened relatively recently it would be premature to put that nail in the coffin of the DD/OP relationship. Since it may be redeemable I think the OP would be wise to take a gentler approach until such time as it REALLY is the only option. But if your idea off support is to clap the OP on the back while she burns bridges, crack on!

Maybe it’s a good sign that AD hasn’t asked for keys back?

its a bit strange ive still got them
hence my confusion

notanan2 so far in my situation regardless which way i go i get no where
so as i stated before i was thankful for all your different opinions
and had decided to do nothing at this point
i didnt come in guns blazing
i came in a an emotional wreck thats never been in this situation before and really didnt know which way to turn and might i add i never want to be in this situation ever again

I have a list of approved contacts for school incase an emergency happened and I was unable to collect. That does NOT = permission to act like a parent/guardian and ring the school to discuss DD. I would find it alarming if a grandparent didnt realise the line between grandparent and parent/guardian.

I would also worry in general about the school's safeguarding if they are discussing children with non guardians on the phone.

Combine that with the background of the OPs row with the DD back when she had contact.. it seems possible that the DD felt bombarded and not respected at the childs primary carer.

If doors are to remain open, a change of tack may be called for.

Im not sure however how much the OP wants to reconnect with the DD, her posts come across as her just missing the GC and wanting contact, so maybe Im wrong and the DD/OP relationship is not a priority unless it is a route to the GC??

i came in a an emotional wreck thats never been in this situation before and really didnt know which way to turn

Which is why I asked if calling the school was a mistake made out of desperation, or if you dont actually realise that it was inappropriate therefor indicating a lack of boundaries.

Either way, I bet DD is justifiably upset that you did it. Seeing why that might be might help heal the rift.

really is that how it would seem
that was never intentional
but i relationship with my daughter and grand daughter go hand in hand
you cant have one without the other

OP, genuinely, I DONT think your case is one of those hopeless "just accept it and try to move on" cases. It genuinely does sound fixable, but there are ways you may have acted without malice that might have got DDs defences heightened and whatever is currently happening clearly isnt working so I dont think telling you to carry on as-is would be helpful

Notanan2....going to court is a misnomer or less accurately a red herring.
You can correct me if I’m wrong, but a GPcan only truly go to court for access in a very narrow set of circumstances ie if they stepped into the role of parents for some time.
So ‘
‘Pointing out the error of their ways’ too soon is counterproductive.
One click on google will give info that confirms this.

I agee with you whole heartedly that resulting to a legal solution is very likely to inflame the situation anyway.
I think people are just completely bereft of ideas to bring the painful situation to a conclusion, so the reach out in any direction hoping something will work.
I tend to think that addressing that fear is better in the first instance, than plunging in with do’s and dont’s.

I hope I haven’t stepped too hard on your toes, as I think fundamentally we are in agreement

As I said on your other thread, 5 months may FEEL like a long time while you are in the middle of it, but really in the grand scheme of things is quite a short time so things probably arent past the point of no return where "fighting" for contact is the only option!

notanan2 again i rang the school to find out why my character had been slurred
i am entitled to know that much
i am a good person to help whatever way i can within reason to all my family

5 months is a long time
what happens when its years
its obvious i hate this situation
and if there had been any advise how i can remedy this
i would have acted upon it
but the advise was time
and thats what i am doing