Moving on - should I feel guilty?

Madgran77 I have been looking at accommodation and have decided to stay in an Airbnb for a few weeks until I find a suitable place to live.
Unfortunately there is no one nearby whom I feel I can confide in. Has anyone any suggestions on where I can store some of my things beforehand? My husband rarely leaves the house except to occasionally go for a 30 minute walk, so organising a removal van is going to be impossible.

My intention is to just leave without telling him, and ask my solicitor to send him divorce papers.
Is this a good idea?

my intention is to leave without telling him etc
Absolutely ??????

For the short term a small storage unit might be the answer. You could move a few things out by car saying you are going to a charity shot or the tip.

It is not your fault he has diabetes, and it is not your fault he is nasty. He has no right to see your bank account and check expenses, if it is not a joint account and you are spending the money of both of you as if there were no tomorrow. If the house belongs to you both, he has no right to put it p for sale without your signature. Check all we have said with a lawyer. He thinks you are helpless, because heaven knows, he has tried to make you so. You aren't.

I left my husband and walked out having thankfully, met someone else. It was only afterwards that I realised how controlling my first husband had been, right from the very beginning. I was told clothes didn't suit me, I couldn't sing and I can! Not allowed to watch things like Friends on the TV because he didn't like it. I left school early because of him and wasted 23 years of my life. Leave and let him find another woman. Mine did and she's welcome to him.

If the house is in both names even if you leave now you will be entitled to your share and it can't be sold without your approval (in case he wants to let it go at a greatly reduced price to spite you). Think you are entitled to have some happiness in your life now so leave. He should be able to manage his diabetes - he seems to manage everything else including you.

This is coercive control. Controlling what you spend who you talk to where you go silent treatment etc. It is abuse.
I hope you do leave and find a happier life
All the best xxx

I was living your life and 11 years ago I left him. He was exactly like yours, full of apologies every time he bullied me. I always said I was putting on his gravestone " I'm sorry I'll never do it again" cos I heard it so often.
Please leave him, please. Don't put up with it any longer, he's not worth it. It was the best thing I did and I've got my life back, no more controlling what I do. I'm on my own, never even tried to have another relationship. I've a dog, my friends and sister, I don't need a man in my life.
Get out and enjoy your life, one shot at it, leave him please.

MerylStreep Oh thank you for that. I did wonder if it’s not a bit underhand, but if I tell him he will start to close everything down and move money.

geekesse I shall organise that. A great idea.

Tanjamaltija Your last sentence has given me hope!

Leave and enjoy the rest of your life. Your husband is at least a bully and at worst a narcissist, and won't change.

I too have been there and heard the same spiel about being unable to afford for us to live apart. Then right on the 40 years he met someone ‘compatible’, bought an apartment and told me to sell up and move somewhere smaller. I doubt the new relationship lasted unless she was desperate, but the peace and the freedom it brought me has been priceless.
Don’t put up with the bullying and unhappiness.
I have type 1 too by the way and it’s hard to manage but doesn’t take two to prick a finger and inject the insulin!

Wishing you all the very best.

He is responsible for managing his diabetes, not you, it’s just another way of controlling you. I would make a list of all of your joint assets, including bank accounts, pension etc and seek legal advice to , as this information will help with any divorce proceedings.
Contact woman’s aid and citizens advice.
If he won’t leave you alone yo7 may need a protective order and make all contact through solicitors, do not stay until the house is sold

He says he doesn't trust you or respect you!!! There you are then. You'd be well rid of the blighter.

Could you rent a small storage unit nearby and take some belongings each time he goes for a walk until you are ready to leave

40 years! That’s a lifetime of abuse. Don’t feel sorry for him, go now. It will be hard, but DO IT.

In addition to all the good advice so far, look up "Charming Manipulator".

In asking you to research it is my hope that you are better able to find your freedom and can keep your freedom.

Understanding that this type of behaviour and treatment of others has so much written about it may help you stay on your own course and not be dragged back into his power plays (manipulation).

If you learn about HOW he operates you stand a chance of better understand why he will not change and HOW he keeps you confused and uncertain.

You have left once but his act of sorrow and promised of better was just that - an act and sadly you feel for it.

It is part of his Charming Manipulator behaviour. As is the Passive Aggression - his long periods of silence.

Get help and support so you are not alone. As has been said Women's Aid has lots of ways to help.

If it gets too difficult they have Refuges where you can go if it gets too bad. I had to go into a Women's Aid Refuge to escape my ex and I wouldn't have found my way forward without them.

You are not alone in falling for his behaviour time and again and only you can get you free and keep you free.

You clearly know the future you want and have some good plans in place to get there - BUT - keeping the life you want is the hardest part.

He's not at all interested in what you want, it's all about him. You are Useful not Valuable to him.

Time to make yourself VALUABLE and USEFUL to yourself for yourself.

Good Luck and those of us who have walked this path will be here to offer you what we can in support of goal.

I understand how you feel!
I divorced at the age of 70.
So simple to do on line, no solicitors, split everything down the middle. The entire process took only 3 months
And cost about £500.

No regrets! More a feeling of elation. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Good Luck

This is a controlling bully and you don’t have to put up with his behaviour. Get rid is my advice. I’m into my fifth year of being alone after a long marriage. Similar behaviour to that which you describe. So much happier on my own. The freedom is priceless.

Don’t forget you are entitled to half of everything which I’m sure your solicitor explained
This would be an ideal time for you to leave him, make everything less stressful by having the removal company to pack everything into boxes and put your name on everything you want
Don’t feel guilty about leaving him he has chipped away at your confidence all these years, when you leave him and with emotional support you could be a different, more confident woman.
I would prefer to be happy in a one bedroom flat than in a mansion with someone like him sapping the life out of you. ?

Another thing, if you own the property jointly, advise the estate agent of your situation so that your husband cannot control the sale without your permission.
You can do this, just needs planning. Leave when you are prepared and on your own terms.
It will be worth it, I promise.
Take care and good luck

You have no reason to feel guilty.

You are feeling guilty because that is what a man like the one you married does. He makes you feel guilty through his controlling behaviour.

Pack your clothes, plus anything that was a personal present from anyone to you and move these things out - to a friend or to your new home.

Ask him what furniture etc he wants to keep and tell him, don't ask, what you want.

If he gets nasty about what you want, get in touch with your solicitor. There must be some instance that arbitrates in this kind of divorce about movable goods.

Good luck.

madeleine45

My first husband was definitely a controller and was adept at making me doubt myself and even though I was in a senior management position and looked up to at work, at home it was a different matter. He would not speak to me for days, yet if someone called round would be all sweetness and light and they would not see how he was behaving when we were alone. What gave me the courage to leave was seeing my 4 year old watching him do this instant change as someone came to visit and then looking at me. I knew that I did not want my son to grow up light him. so it took a lot of courage but I did leave, taking my son and just left everything behind. He threatened to kill me and kidnap my son, but once I had left I was able to see what he was doing. I have only wished that I had left earlier. Life was difficult for a while but I met my wonderful second husband who was a marvellous step father to my son and a great role model. we had 33 happy years together and now I am a widow but am so glad that I left. Can I suggest that you write down all the reasons you need to leave and put it in an envelope and leave that with either a trusted friend or even put it in your bank for safe keeping so that you will have it to look at when you start to doubt yourself. I got to the point where when I heard his key in the door I used to tense up and feel sick. That is no way to live life, and you may depend upon it that whatever he says to you, the leopard does not change its spots and he will only do things to keep you with him so that he can continue to control you. Put your mind now onto thinking what if anything you really want to keep with you. Look forward to your own life and plan what you might do, do you have friends of long standing who know how your life has been that you could confide in? start looking round to see where you might live, contact probably citizens advice firstly who could point you in the right way. do you own the house jointly or at least do you have your name on deeds or such like things? do you have a joint bank account or do you have one of your own. At the very least open an account at a different bank or building society which has no connection with your previous bank so that you have something sorted. Check if you have a joint account with a solicitor or the citizens advice your situation financially. If you have a joint account you need to be ready to close or deal with it and make sure that you are not responsible for half the debts as if you leave and he spends a lot of money from the account and goes into the red it will affect your credit score and leave you with debts to pay which is another controlling sort of behaviour he could do. Have a list in your mind and start accomplishing these things to give you practical knowledge about matters and most of all if you feel at home in this area with friends and acquaintances DONT move with him. If you move to somewhere you know no one he will definitely gain even more power over your life and you will be stuck with him. I am diabetic myself and sort myself out. We are responsible for ourselves and if we care deeply for someone we do so for love. dont let him use an illness or anything else to control you. You are a human being and entitled to live in any way you want , so long as you dont hurt others. Every day as you go about your ordinary life start doing the ironing and thinking I will take this with me , leave that etc. It is good training for thinking of your new free life. do get the best bit of it all by just working out what you want to take, organise a storage place for stuff if in the beginning you are not sure where you are going and then plan quietly and keep sorting things out and work towards a date and dont keep putting it off. The effort and pain is just the same whenever you have to cope with it so as you cannot minimize it it will be better to do it sooner rather than later. The best bit is that when you are ready, you arrange for a van, put all the things you want into it and go. shut the door on the past misery in that house and ignore him and his move let him sort it out. Nothing to do with you anymore , You will be going back to the person you are , a worthwhile woman with things to look forward to even the simplest thig of sitting where you like and listening to your choice of music. All the effort you have had to put into worrying wht he will say, do , or how he will behave will be gone and your energy will be for your new life. It will be draining and exhausting, I do not pretend it is otherwise but worth it and for me gardening is a great healing thing. If you have your own garden you can go out and do quiet simple things and see how it grows or go and help a community garden. May you have the strength to go sooner rather than later but whatever you decide I wish you all the best and hope that you will regain your own life to do as you please with

Very very good advice here. So sorry you had to go through this M45...???

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

There is a whole world out there waiting for you where you can make your own decisions and run your life as you wish - all the best. Many Gransnetters will be with you all the way

First of all see if he has any neurological disease as it changes personalities. Secondly, plan your leaving carefully ...research places to live (there is a home share plan for older people if you cannot afford to rent or buy on your own at the moment, or until the house is sold .........he will probably make a sale difficult ....) .....look at a cheaper area to move to on your own until you have money from the house sale ....you might even like it there ! Glad you have taken legal advice and financially are going to be ok ......in my case, my late husband's personality changed around 4 years before he was diagnosed with Parkinsons disease which totally altered his personality ...he became angry, aggressive and bullying ... luckily I am a person who just shrugs my shoulders and ignored it (been there before, done that !) but I did care for him for the last few years before his death, even though I had to put him into a VERY expensive care home before the end as I could no longer cope at home when he developed vascular dementia and then cancer. I visited him every day but am perhaps lucky that I chose to stay and not leave him as I had planned a few years before ....financially it made it easier for me to sell the house, and move on .....its a very hard decision to make .....I wonder, if you have noticed any changes in him like you mention, controlling, etc he may have an illness ..is there any family you could sofa surf with until you decide ....or take a break as soon as things re open, even a caravan holiday for a month ! good luck