Gransnet forums

Relationships

Over 60’s how many still have sex

(88 Posts)
Clio51 Wed 08-Sep-21 10:37:32

I’m 63 he 66
For the last say 3 years we’ve not had sex
I’ve mentioned it to him and he just kept saying “what’s all this about sex all off a sudden “ the last time we did he lost his erection. I think this has had an impact
I’d mess about doing sexy things but nothing.
I’m not really that bothered mostly, but some kind off closeness would be nice sometime.
It did after a long time mention he wasn’t getting hard, so I said go to the gp which he did.
He got viagra, he’s got boxes upstairs. He’s only ever mentioned once taking one, and then I don’t know if he would off !

Relationship isn’t good at the moment, lots of little things that’s building up with me about him

I think he feels if he’s not bothered about sex for whatever reason, I shouldn’t be.

CafeAuLait Wed 08-Sep-21 10:50:48

I'm not in the age group you're after but wanted to respond to your last sentence. If it bothers you, then it is a problem and he shouldn't be disregarding your feelings.

Oopsadaisy1 Wed 08-Sep-21 11:28:04

A lot of men equate sex with any sort of affection, they might take the bins out, but try to get up close for a hug and they aren’t interested, on the other hand I know of a couple where the woman despairs that her (viagra fuelled) husband wants sex regularly but that’s it, no cuddles or affection and she is equally upset.
Maybe a serious sit down and an honest talk might be in order.

luluaugust Wed 08-Sep-21 11:57:40

If your OH was always interested up until the time the 'failure' happened then at least you know the most probable reason why. He can't face another failure. If he has never been that bothered I fear 66 might be a bit late get things going. Nowadays we look on 66 as relatively young but I suspect an awful lot of people are not that bothered by then. Try another chat I can't think of any other way of trying to sort this out.

GagaJo Wed 08-Sep-21 12:28:09

My bloke, 70s, is still interested. Unfortunately for him, I'm not.

Lucca Wed 08-Sep-21 12:34:59

GagaJo

My bloke, 70s, is still interested. Unfortunately for him, I'm not.

👏

Clio51 Wed 08-Sep-21 12:35:40

I’m not that bothered really, but it’s just the fact that HE’s made that decision and never spoke about it to me only when I e brought it up.
This is not a shy man we’re talking about, lots of girlfriends, partners in younger life
And very open towards sex. I was very shy when we met regarding sex, and he brought me out more.

I think it a build up off things that brought this up, so I need to mention things as I’m not happy about a few things in relationship
He on the other hand would plod along like house sharing than partner and do his own little hobbies. Come yo me when he’s nothing to do and say shall we go for coffee

sodapop Wed 08-Sep-21 12:35:59

Why are people so reluctant to discuss sex with their partners ? Is this a very British thing?.
I agree that affection and sex often don't go hand in hand with men. Another topic for discussion Clio. Hope things improve for you.

Bluebellwould Wed 08-Sep-21 12:38:52

The original post seems quite crude and odd to me. Is this a scam? Doesn’t sound like something an older person would write. Sincere apologies if genuine.

Redhead56 Wed 08-Sep-21 12:44:27

I had certain ops over a few years I was told by the gynaecologist my days were over in that respect. Not long after my husband developed problems so we took that as our farewell to love life.
We had a wonderful relationship but we got over it we still love each other that’s all that matters.

Blossoming Wed 08-Sep-21 12:44:35

Not something I would discuss on a public forum.

Esspee Wed 08-Sep-21 13:37:18

Bluebellwould

The original post seems quite crude and odd to me. Is this a scam? Doesn’t sound like something an older person would write. Sincere apologies if genuine.

Why do you think that Bluebellewould? Is it because you wouldn't as you stated on another thread yesterday?

nanna8 Wed 08-Sep-21 13:42:37

Probably someone doing a PhD thesis.

Esspee Wed 08-Sep-21 13:45:29

Clio51, you are only in your early 60s so would reasonably be expected to still be enjoying a good sex life and affection from your OH. Indeed signs of affection should be expected for the rest of your life. Your partner needs a medical checkup to exclude prostate or other problems but if his health is OK then for me the relationship would be over.

grandtanteJE65 Wed 08-Sep-21 14:03:24

We are definitely in your age group and still enjoy regular, satisfying sex with each other.

Most men experience a wilting erection at some point, and most of them are horribly embarrassed by it, quite frequently to the point of trying to avoid sex so as not to "fail" again.

In the same way any woman who has been frigid for a while will be hesitant to get back into the water.

You need to find a way of helping your husband regain his confidence in himself.

Obviously, your relationship won't be good right now, as you are feeling frustrated due to the lack of sex and he probably is too.

Can you sit down and discuss the matter frankly and kindly with each other?

You feel he feels that if he doesn't want sex, you won't or shouldn't want it either. This to me would be an odd attitude for any man to take, but perhaps he has ignored your wishes in other matters previously?

Ask him if he misses sex and say openly that you miss sex with him then try to discuss what you can do about it.

I am sure it was hard broaching this subject here, but unfortunately you made it sound as if your only answer to his concern about not getting or sustaining an erection was rather a snub. Being told to go and see his doctor probably wasn't the answer your husband was looking for.

There are other ways of giving and receiving affection than through sex, as you know - you could perhaps agree to try some of them, or simply agree that sexual satisfaction for either men or women does not necessarily depend on a penis being introduced into a vagina.

Clio51 Wed 08-Sep-21 14:16:36

Bluebell
I may not of used the correct terminology but I don’t think what I have written nobody
Would be offended or not of heard before
Why wouldn’t someone in their 60’s write about their sex life & relationship?
Blossoming
We use usernames! Nobody knows us, that that was the whole idea you can discuss what you what ?
Why did you read my thread then? We’re all different what you wouldn’t do doesn’t mean I won’t

Thing that bothering me now is, in the past when things have needed to be said I usd the term
“I think we need to have a chat/talk” and now if I come out with that statement he says
“Oh this isn’t going to end in an argument is it, and we end up falling out”
Mainly because we don’t get anywhere!

So what words can I use to mention things
Not just sex ladies ?

Puzzled Wed 08-Sep-21 19:56:55

On the face of it, this post is rather sad, but maybe I'm sentimental.
We are all different, and our bodies age in different rates and ways, but it does seem a bit young, in a loving relationship to stop, unless you absolutely have to..
The OP is concerned and is brave enough to raise the subject.
A trouble shared is a trouble halved is a good axiom.
If you don't talk about it, to each other, and to others who have travelled the same road, you will never find solution to the problem.
Others will have met the same or a similar problem and found at least a partial if not a complete solution, which they might share with you..
Years ago, when we had a problem, S i L said something which solved our problem, and stands us in good stead many years on. Consequently, we still enjoy each other's closeness, although older than the OP. Not as frequently, but we still enjoy being extremely close.
If he has had a problem, and as we age, virtually all men do, there are ways of coping, medicines, or rings.
Build up his confidence, and make sure that you say that you are still attracted.
For ladies, and for both, lubricants are almost essential.
In the context of loving and gentle relationship, it should be possible gradually to regain some of the passion of younger years. tell each other what you fantasize about
Very gently, by word and deed, increase each others confidence. You both need to gain confidence in your bodies and in each other. Compliment each other.
Dress and eventually, undress, to impress.
It may be that the ultimate will elude you, both, but find other ways to give, and receive, pleasure,
It is not called intimacy for nothing.
Work at it, gently, and hopefully you will reach a satisfactory conclusion.

FannyCornforth Wed 08-Sep-21 19:59:38

Puzzled I am too

Callistemon Wed 08-Sep-21 20:03:18

Is he depressed?
Anxious?
Does he have work problems?

All kinds of outside factors could affect him.

MerylStreep Wed 08-Sep-21 20:06:12

nanna8

Probably someone doing a PhD thesis.

Not in the least. This poster has posted before.

Jaxjacky Wed 08-Sep-21 20:10:55

Not just a British thing sodapop obviously a GN thing too, by the looks of it. Yet we discuss so many other bodily functions on here, beats me.
As others have said OP, you need a good chat, about expressions of love, which occur in many ways of intimacy, for us the act of making love, in various forms, is part of our intimacy and is special. Not so for everyone, but it’s the active agreement that’s important, I wish you well.

Puzzled Wed 08-Sep-21 20:18:32

In a loving relationship, sex is important Sharing each other is the ultimate gift.
To raise the subject on a Forum shows that the OP is concerned, and wants to do something to improve matters, and merits helpful advice.
If Viagra doesn't work, (It takes a little time. maybe make taking it part of a fun game. There are other ways, and some can be much quicker, should passion strike.

Give visual as well as verbal and physical encouragement, and above all, keep trying.
Ugly voluminous knickers weren't called passion killers for nothing!
Encourage him to pleasure you in any way that you enjoy, and encourage him to enjoy it as well.
That might be start of something good!

Callistemon Wed 08-Sep-21 20:24:22

Relationship isn’t good at the moment, lots of little things that’s building up with me about him

That may be a big part of the problem. He may be irritating you but if he realises that he is then it will be a damper on any intimacy.

Don't think about it for the time being; try to ignore the irritations and show him some love such as an occasional hug, a kiss in everyday life and show appreciation of anything nice he may do for you.
Start slowly, don't make it the most important thing in your relationship just yet.

Petera Wed 08-Sep-21 20:25:35

GagaJo

My bloke, 70s, is still interested. Unfortunately for him, I'm not.

George Melly , On finding himself impotent at 70,

"Its wonderful, like being unchained from a lunatic."

GagaJo Wed 08-Sep-21 20:37:25

Petera, I echo his opinion! In my 40s it was an all controlling force. I'm glad to see the back of it.