Calling introvert grans

There is a lot of confusion here about the personality trait Introversion/Extraversion, as others have pointed out. The relationship problems described are not to do with intro/extraversion. I can highly recommend this little book written for interested readers and psychology undergraduates. It is really approachable and full of interesting stuff. I think it would help OP get a perspective on her mum's dysfunctional way of relating. Personality: What makes you the way you are (Oxford Landmark Science) 13 Sep 2007
by Daniel Nettle, currently available on Amazon booksellers from as little as £3.08

Sorry, Jane 10, but there's nothing "typical" about the behaviour described, and IMHO your attempt to somehow normalise it is misguided, as is the suggestion that the victim is somehow responsible for the Mother's "intimidation". Just plain wrong...

I am more introvert than extrovert, however this has never spoiled my relationship with my children or grandchildren at all. My daughter is an absolute extrovert, while I sometimes find really extrovert behaviour a bit wearing on occasions and OTT ....it does not spoil my relationship with people who are like this. ( have friends like this) I just accept them as they are and expect them to do the same with me. I am 70 years old and was brought up in a generation were people were quite stoic and not so demonstrative as they are nowadays so have never really given it much thought..was just the way it was. I think your mother's problem is more of being a pessimist rather than an optimist, as opposed to introvert....glass half empty!

I can identify with almost all of this, my mother was emotionally distant, never made physical contact, shunned all social gatherings, hardly went out - indeed she avoided us, her children, as much as possible during our childhood. Eventually she became negative, passive aggressive and manipulative. Nothing was ever good enough - particularly me! It wasnt until her funeral that my daughter said she thought her grandmother might have been on the autistic spectrum or have Asperger's. Of course in Mum's day nothing much was known about any of that, but when I looked it up the behaviour seemed to fit. We will never know, but in some ways it seems easier now to try and forgive my childhood by thinking it might not have been deliberate behaviour (and no I dont think everyone on the autistic spectrum is negative and passive aggressive, it was just how her personality unfolded).

I agree with the very first reply. My mother was very much like this. She died a few years ago and I was the only family member to be with her in her last years. It was pretty much unbearable. I lived under the shadow of this woman for all my life. I don't actually care why she behaved the way she did. I just wish it hadn't taken the toll on me that it did. Do what you feel is right for your own well being. I really wouldn't try to explain it or justify any of your actions. Or even your very existence.

I am so sorry to read of your difficult relationship, ExtravertvIntrovert. My mother was undemonstrative and often unkind in her behaviour towards me and others- critical, and seeing the worst in all things and people. I now realise that she had a bad upbringing and possibly there are other things that happened that I cannot be sure of but can only suspect given her behaviour and reaction to events. I don't remember a single spontaneous hug, any expression of love, and once when I tried to comfort her when she was crying for reasons that I didn't know she just kept pushing me away and saying 'leave me alone.' I can type all of this without a single tear - I 'shut down' on the subject of my mother many years ago as it was impossible to please her, or make her life happy, which I so wish I could have done. She is long dead, and I truly think she welcomed the end of her life as she clearly could not be happy ; people like this do cause damage to those around them and make them feel inadequate . You have my sympathy but it is important to get on with your life in a positive and happy way as much as you can otherwise the misery perpetuates.

Ethelwulf - couldn't agree more. We shouldn't have to make excuses for our parents' bad parenting.

I am the same age as your mother and I did have lovely parents but I think at that time praise was not freely given. This was a time of great social change, people out of their comfort zone. As one OP said going to grammar school was thought by some as 'posh'.

It was is later life I learnt the importance of giving praise and compliments, particularly by american friends. They would compliment you on how you looked etc.

Your mother finds it impossible to say anything postive, I would have thought due to extremely low self esteem and being a miserable ..........

I agree with others who say being an introvert doesn't mean you can't have a good happy relationship with people, we need some people to quietly sit and watch whilst the extroverts are life and soul of the party.

Even those who have broken away and broken the chain of negativity must feel sad that they could not have had a better relationship with their mothers.

I decided you cant love a brick wall and stopped all contact when i was 41. There was no telephone calls or contact asking why and then years later when she was 90 decided to write to all five children asking 'how are we' no one replied as 30 years without contact, what was the point. I dont see it as introvert/extrovert just some women have not got a maternal bone in their bodies! INTROVERT/EXROVERT just get on with your own life and enjoy, she aint gonna change

Control is what it boils down to. Once they see they're losing it, they'll use any trick they can to regain it. Probably something in your mother's background triggered that. Still no excuse.

Wow! I am almost "relieved" to discover that I have had much the same experiences with my mother as most of you. Mine couldn't relate to anyone and criticised everyone who didn't give her the due deference she believed she was entitled to.

I agree with others that it's got nothing to do with being intro/extrovert. This is a distraction from the real issue. She was angry inside and took it out on her children. She also treated her second husband like a domestic servant and was rude to him in public if he didn't carry out tasks well enough.

I used to think that her wartime experiences may have made her that way but then I recognised that my sisters have the same characteristics. When I found out years later about borderline personality disorder, this very much sums up what she was like.

My harsh treatment has affected me all my life, but I think she knew what she was like. About 3 years before she died, she suggested to DH that she wanted to talk to me - as if to seek some sort of "reconciliation".

I rejected the idea. Regret expressed one day (she would never have apologised) would have been forgotten the next. If there hadn't been other relatives at the funeral, I would have danced on her grave.

Older people were brought up in an atmosphere of criticism where praise was doled out in teaspoons, if ever. At my MIL's funeral I said to a friend of my DH's who knew her well, 'I am just sorry she didn't enjoy life more.' He replied, 'Never underestimate the pleasure some people get from being miserable.'

On the subject of introversion/extraversion I am definitely a quiet and reserved person but I am very content, love my family to bits and never stint praise where it is due.

So many derogatory labels for people who are just products of their time and circumstances. Parenting then was vastly different due to the way that generation had been parented themselves, just thank your lucky stars that you have been able to lead a different life.

My dad was one for a put down, told me it was character buiding, I hated it of course but I know he loved me and thought it for the best. I loved him too, miss him every day.

anya off to google that poster. How I wish I had had a copy to hand out to every single teacher at my own and my childrens parents evenings!

OP so sorry and you are not alone. Someone I know has been living with the same type of mother and can't reject her no matter how sad she makes her. Your trip sounds a wonderful idea and imagine how proud and interested your children will be.

I'll leave it to others to say whether the behaviour you are describing in your mother can be called introverted.

To me it sounds like one of the strategies that our mothers' generation used to maintain control of us their children even after we had grown up.

My mother went the opposite way to work, demonstrating love and kindness extravagantly all the time, but make no mistake about it, we were only her good and dear children when we did exactly what she wanted.

So finally, like you, my DS and I had to tell her where she got off, otherwise we would have had no life of our own.

This is like reading about my life no affection no love no praise always negatives.I ended the relationship about 25 years ago after yet another argument.I have 4 sons and not one of them received either a birthday card or Christmas card that is what she is like.I bumped into her this summer she didn't recognise me when she realised who I was she put her arms round me and said how happy she was to see me.We chatted a few minutes and then she said I wasn't going to speak to you until you apologised to me.For what?I just thought you stupid woman after 25 years you jump in with both feet.I just threw my aems in the air and said we all know that is never going to happen.She looked quite stunned I was her whipping post for so long she didn't expect it.She has tried to contact me again but I want none of it,OP just think of all the positive things you have achieved and let the rest go.xx

Of course you should go on your trip and when you come back determine not to put up with your mother's behaviour.

I am an introvert. I'm not naturally chatty and find large gatherings difficult but I am deeply and lovingly part of my children and grandchildren's lives. Being an introvert does not make anyone behave like your mother.

My mother behaved much like yours though not so extreme but we decided something much deeper made her behave as she did. Perhaps her father dying at a young age but my SIL had that experience and is the most loving mother and grandmother. Maybe that she lost a newborn and then my father died young but she led my father a merry dance from the word go so I don't think these events did more than exacerbate her behaviour. She was fine with the grandchildren when they were babies but as they grew up her fondness for bursting their bubbles affected how they felt. Unfavourable comments about what they wore for instance, My daughter nailed it when she concluded as a teenager that Grandma was a narcissist who complained bitterly that old friends and family did not phone her but saw no reason why she should phone them and if they did visit had to put up with sarcastic comments about how rarely she saw them.
People are usually a lot more complicated than introvert or extrovert.

Enjoy your adventure and don't feel guilty for a second. We have only one life.

Whilst it is is nice to be approved of, it isn't something you 'need' as an adult from your parent any more than you need them telling you off, telling you what to do or think. Think how much your mother is missing out on by being her. You, on the other hand, have the opportunity to live your life being happy in your relationships with your children and to show them that Mum is a person who lives life to the full and trusts their father to do just as good a job as her. What a great role model.
Don't try changing someone who has no inclination to change, just thank your lucky stars you got lucky with your life.

I've spent 63 years trying to please my mother and it's pretty obvious I'm never going to succeed because I will never be the perfect daughter she wanted.
It's incredibly sad and hard, especially when my twin sisters can do nothing wrong, however in order to preserve my sanity I have slightly distanced myself from her and my dad. Yes, it gives her more ammunition but I try not to care.
She had a lousy childhood but that doesn't and didn't give her the right to make me an angst-ridden child and adult. Finally I am trying to be a person in my own right, it's hard and probably too late for me to be really happy with myself and to stop putting on an act to others.

You've both been honest enough to put your cards on the table and surely that is healthy in itself, rather than continue to allow resentments to get worse. You may have spent a long time trying to please each other and not have succeeded but perhaps you can move on from this. Many of us are disappointed in our families, aren't we? My dad was an awful bully and this has had repercussions for all his children for decades. We regretted not standing up to him and it's too late now, at least you've begun a discussion.

My goodness, all your comments have been like a breath of fresh air to me. I was the middle one of 3 girls and apparently much like my Father in character. My Mother was well educated, very unfulfilled and unhappily married, feeling she had married beneath her, and took it out on me. She was fine with my sisters and outsiders loved her. She never kissed or hugged me (or my Father) and was very critical of the way I looked and dressed, destroying my confidence in my teenage years. I have to admit that I felt I would never 'be myself' while she was alive. My poor Father was very fond of me but it wasn't his love I craved. I feel I was absolutely pathetic in the ways I constantly tried to please her, all to no avail. In her later years when my sisters were too busy to bother much with her I had her move closer to us so that I could visit every other day and try to keep her active and stimulated. When she was 98 she finally told me how I had 'turned out well' and that it was a surprise to her and she thought it must be to me too! Luckily 50 years ago I married a very affectionate, caring man (partially to escape home life) and have daughters and grandchildren, but I have never been happy or counted my blessings as it was always only my Mother's love and approval I craved. At age 101 she passed away with my arms around her and I finally felt free. I loved her so much no matter how much she hurt me.
I have never been able to discuss this with my sisters as my Mother behaved so differently to them and they would think I was delusional. It has been very therapeutic to write this. Thank you Gransnet forum.
P.S. My Mother was a LEO

Its always important to consider why a person may be behaving in a certain way. Not to do this is to rule out so many possibilities. It sounds like there have been a lot of 'distant', aloof mothers around. There always have been. The reasons for this are more potentially useful and interesting to consider than ruminating on how they made a child feel.
My mother was an odd woman but I know enough about her background, personality and genetics to understand why she was the way she was. Its OK. She was the loser. I and my children are fine.
There's much more to human relationships than just blaming and trying to fit labels to people ethelwulf.

Have you asked her what her relationship w her own mother was - might be illuminating. My own mother was...won't go there. It has made me fairly incapable of showing affection or expressing an opinion re what I want for myself.

Sorry, Jane 10, but we ain't on the same planet. Your bizarre claim that attempting to understand why such Mothers abuse their children is " more potentially useful and interesting to consider than ruminating on how they made a child feel" simply makes my blood run cold. The child's well-being must come first... no ifs, no buts, no pathetic excuses. Unconditional love is every child's birthright... and that's my last word on the subject. Goodbye.

This is so interesting as so many of you similar childhoods to mine. I don't think we realise the impact this has on us. It was one of my SiLs who really drew my attention to how my mother treated me and I am now on a very slow road to 'recovery'. I have come to understand much more by reading the books of Peg Streep which I would recommend to anybody who has had a 'mean mother'.