The Hard Truth About Going No Contact With A Parent

Sara1954

No Madgran, I get that the scenario is different, all I’m really trying to say is that that if you allow yourself to be distanced and maybe eventually estranged from your family due to the manipulative behaviour of your partner, it would be very hard to go back without destroying your relationship with them.
Once again we come back to needing a peaceful life, especially if children are involved.

I understand your point Sara, sorry I slightly misunderstood before. ?

That's how I feel too Sara. I don't care if MIL's entire circle think I'm the devil incarnate. I've never estranged anyone.

Mandrake
Good for you.
Apart from a slight coolness with my brother, which I regret, I really don’t care, she probably only said horrible things about me before we estranged anyway.

I'm sure mine did too, Sara. The basis is the absolute ripping to shreds of BIL she would do when he wasn't there. Wish I'd said something now, but you just know you get the same treatment when you're not there.

"it was my fault or I must have done something wrong". Been on the receiving end of those comments Jane together with life's too short.

I agree Mandrake that it's important to differentiate "judgemental from having an opinion". We can only have an opinion on what we read here. That maybe disagreeing of course but that should be done in a non judgemental way.

I feel that way about our ES's and his wife's circle of friends and acquaintances and interestingly, friends of theirs who were there at the time of our estrangement and who we used to socialise with, appeared to have a change of heart.

Mr. S. received messages on FB when he retired from those who had previously stopped talking to us and would blank us if we saw them. They had become parents themselves, making their parents GP's and maybe that made them see things differently.

I don’t care what people say about me. People who know me, know that I’m not in the habit of cutting people out of my life

Sara, this is mainly how I feel too. I suppose sometimes I just feel more sensitive than others. Mandrake, I've not estranged anyone either. In my part there was no choice, there was only choice further down the line when I drew a line

If I understand you correctly JaneJudge, I get what you mean. It's fine and reasonable to draw lines sometimes. We are not responsible for someone's adverse reaction to a reasonable boundary. If their choice is to estrange over it, that's on them.

Smiles, I wonder if people say 'life's too short' in reaction to your son's actions, rather than it being a blaming of you?

JaneJudge

Mandrake, would you honestly voice your opinion to someone regarding their estrangement? I have had people I hardly know tell me it was my fault or I must have done something wrong. Or cant you try harder, they are lovely really. It's just their way, cant you just let it go. It is completely our of order

Yes JaneJudge that is out of order. I referred to those type of statements in my post above. I suppose people who say such things think it is blatantly obvious, and are presumably making a judgement based on their own experiences. Not helpful, and well out of order and I am sorry you have suffered that

If we are honest with ourselves

These judgemental people who either make our situations about themselves or otherwise twist everything to be about themselves or just think they are the pinnacle of all knowledge on every subject....

We don't really like them anyway right?
We don't respect them.
We find them completely predictable.
We can't see any happiness in them.

So "who cares" is very appropriate

Thank you for posting the article VioletSky, it was very helpful. Two of my family members have gone NC with their mother who on the outside appeared to be a very good mother...she was good at promoting that view too. Unfortunately the mother's childhood has probably moulded her into the person she has become and this has made it so she cannot see that she has any culpability in her children estranging her despite extensive therapy for herself and family therapy. When I saw the article, it resonated for me as I have had estrangement from the mother and I immediately sent it to her daughter.
Very few people understand the grief that the estranger goes through. Nobody is entirely bad and there were many good times with this mother but eventually the balance is irrevocably skewed with her controlling nature. I know that I grieved and sought therapy for the breakdown in the relationship so I can imagine what the children felt. I have never been able to do that with my mother and I commended her bravery to take her happiness into her own hands. She responded with her feelings that there is more information out there these days so you can recognise what it happening so deal with it much better. You realise that it isn't you going mad, it is the situation you have found yourself in.
As to others entering the equation, I think if you have always been treated badly from babyhood upwards, you are more accepting of the behaviour because you don't really know much different. As you reach a more mature age and meet someone who has experienced a much different childhood, you start to see how things can and should be done. This moves you towards estrangements when you try to put down boundaries and the parent won't accept them. Then when you decide that there is no solution and make the decision to estrange, the third party gets the blame. What people don't realise is that without support, it can be really hard to stand your ground when you are not used to being in control of your own destiny.
I know that my putting boundaries in place led my husband to be something the dog dragged in for many years! He encouraged me to make my own choices and has always supported me in my decision not to go NC.
I also think that many people with poor role models find themselves relationships with similar people as they just don't see the red flags because they are just so used to the behaviours.

Sorry about the essay!

I thought it was relevant and interesting icanhandthemback.
Thank you for supportive thoughts above. I am waiting for counselling with local agency, but have researched NPD a great deal and looked back over the last 7 months apart after 11 years together and understood a lot.

As I met him at 60 and am now 71 and have children by a previous marriage I feel more fortunate than those writing here where there are children involved or you are making decisions about parents of siblings where you have to worry about the ramification of decisions where there are "knock on" effects.

Looking back I think, "how could I could not have seen this!!!!! I'm an old 70's feminist!!! But in the early stages of a coercive relationship they make you feel amazing, adored, until - if you are vulnerable - you are hooked and believe you cant live without them. Then you ignore signs and signals until eventually events happen which cause a crisis - in my case, police involved, locks changed, arrests for abuse etc.

But you see, when it came down to it, tho I have a good relationship with his very elderly mum...it doesn't drag down a whole lot of family along with my separation and contact decisions tho until I'm divorced there are many threats and stresses from time to time.

Icanhandthemback

It was a very good essay!

Well TBH Mandrake I've never thought of it that way before, always assuming it was a criticism of us so thank you for that. If it's ever said again I'll remember what you said .

I suppose in the early days we were very self conscious, thinking this sort of thing just doesn't happen and automatically assumed we were the ones being judged.

A good post icanhandthemback. It's well documented that those who experienced a dysfunctional childhood can become involved in a dysfunctional relationship in adult hood.

My s.i.l. was married to a man who was physically and emotionally abusive. He'd estranged his own father several years before they met because he used to abuse his mother.

Looking back there were signs of his increasing dominance and control, but at the time as no one in the family had ever experienced it themselves, the warning signs were missed.

I hope you find counselling helpful Wyllow. We see what they want us to see and there's no shame in that.

"As is the fact that those who were abused or witnessed abuse in childhood become abusive in adulthood"

Yes, that's probably #1 on the list of really disgusting things you can say to an abuse survivor.

I should have put sometimes become abusive in adulthood. It was certainly not my intention to insult or upset any abuse survivors. I am myself a survivor of abuse.

I would suggest you ask gransnet to remove your comment and explain why smileless

If you would like to have a discussion about how those who do not seek help and normalise things that happen to them in childhood, may become so lacking in empathy that they then go on to develop a personality disorder like narcissim to perpetuate cycles... then we can do that.

However, it is important to know and understand that the people here, commenting on this thread about abuse they suffered, are unlikely to ever become offenders.

Those who sadly re-traumatise and judge abuse victims trying to heal, may need to take a deeper look at themselves.

I have explained VS it was clearly an omission on my part and was not done deliberately. Why would it be, as you know I am myself a survivor of abuse and I would not like my entire post to be removed for a mistake which I have rectified.

Smileless

Others may not read past your comment as it was quite shocking and even if they do, those moments of pain until they get to the clarification seem a heavy price you choose for them just so that you don't have to retype the rest of the comment.

As I said, you are welcome to have that discussion but I'm not sure it is necessary on this thread with or without the clarification.

Hope this helps you understand my point of view

I'm sure it will be understood that it was an error on my part.

As I said. Some people like to blame third parties but it is clear that it is not the third party that caused the estrangement

Not sure I understand your post Bibbity, could you elaborate?

OK Smileless