Frequency of visiting grandchildren

Suzigran, I don't think its necessarily easier with daughters children but certainly a different relationship. All of my adult children & grandchildren live nearby and I see them often. Before any of the GC arrived, someone once commented to me that the maternal grandmother is always going to be Number 1 Granny. Not necessarily true but I took it on board. I offer lots of practical help and support to my DIL and it is warmly received just as it is by my 3 daughters. What has been lovely in our family is a WhatsApp group for sharing day to day stuff, photos, the funny things that quickly get forgotten. It takes very little setting up but keeps us all close. I think you are doing a really great job Suzigran(flowers), enjoy it for what it is. They grow up so fast!

Suzigran, I’m in a similar position, I babysit and do school pickup for a day alternate weeks or so. One grandchild rushes up to me, one can’t walk yet but seems happy to see me, and the five year old seems shy initially but then is happy.

My son in laws mother visits for a long weekend frequently, which I don’t do (I would be happy to but the other granny is somewhat pushy, she has upset the young couple with her insistence on staying so frequently but they don’t know how to tell her, I was told) so I don’t think it’s entirely to do with mother/daughter or mother/DiL relationships but with individuals. The other granny also insists on doing all the overnight babysitting, and has told our grandchildren that she is better at it than me!

I saw my grandmother frequently as a child until my family moved for work reasons, and then we saw her six weekly. I loved her totally, the gaps between visits didn’t matter.

You have your family to stay for Christmas etc, which is fantastic. As I said, lots of it is to do with individuals - and your grandson loves you. Hope it all keep working out.

?✅

aaargh that should be not (flowers)!!

I now live about 10 miles from DD & family, we have no set "visiting times" just an informal arrangement where I call in if they're home when I'm in the area but this means I don't always see DGS1 who's almost 9. I do go over at weekends if it's convenient as it means DD can get on with washing etc. My eldest DGS & I have a close bond & this is also starting to happen with DGS2, 22 months old.

My DGS1 also has a close bond with my DM (his GGM) although he only sees her once a year. DGS1 is a very tactile child, DGS2 is not & will only hug when he's got 2 feet on the ground

I always found that my grandchildren maintained familiarity with me based on fortnightly visits (none of them live near enough to make it practical to do more frequent) After starting school it became about once every 6 weeks - to fit with school holidays. My youngest is 2, and although we're now down to a visit a month, we do video chat in between which he enjoys. Can you do that? It's not so hard to fit that in for busy families as a full blown visit.

We visit our GC perhaps once a month on average but this ranges from twice in a couple of weeks to about 8 weeks. The children are now 5 and 3 and are very close to us, especially Grandpa. We make a point of giving them as much of our attention as we can while we are there, as with two step children too, life can be very busy for them. Go for quality time and don’t worry about the gaps.

Mothers and daughters have a different bond of understanding so must be easier to care for your daughters children
Suggest DiL don’t need another mum so different relationship but all need support

I don't think it is anything to do with whether you have sons or daughters. I see my 6 GC a lot & I have 2 sons. It just works out that way. They do only live 30 mins away - in different directions- so it is an easy drive for me. They stay over with us a lot as weekends- which they love as we do a lot of cooking/ craft etc with them & I am able to pick them up from school if required.
I would suggest having them for a weekend so your son & DiL can have a special night out or friends over for dinner or something.
Some of our best weekends have been when both sons going out & all 6 staying- actually easier than 3 & 3.
Just be glad they are not in Australia or somewhere like that where you would see them very rarely..

I have three sons four grandchildren thought it was the most loveliest thing to be a Gran but the dissapointment of visits and being told to come up when it suits them has made myself and husband quite upset.i realised as the mother of sons you take second stance. We now go when it suits us both and we don't drop everything when they say it's ok to visit. We have decent relationship with them all but I and hubby are very wary now.
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I feel it’s so hard to generalise in these situations, as we are all very different and we all have differing relationships with our adult children and their partners, male or female. Some want more GC involvement than others. I think it was a good idea asking DIL about visiting, as some would welcome involvement, others seem to resent it. It’s one area of my life where I’ve been very fortunate, my 3 have wonderful partners and I’ve been the main Nanny for childcare to all 5 GC as 2 of the other Nans live far away and one sadly died. I’m always for talking things thro with the parents and resolving any perceived issues as/when they arrive, as it’s impossible to judge what others are thinking/feeling. Just make the most of anytime you have with GC and the bond will be there as they grow. You can always phone, Skype, email etc just maintain contact as and when. Then when they are teenagers, they do their own thing anyway, but will always know where to come when they need someone, as you’ve always been there in their background.

Suzigran: I read your post with real interest because I think that there are so many perceived problems (or as the current favourite word puts it: "issues") which aren't. I may go on a bit so I apologise in advance but, for what it's worth, this is my take on your situation.
Firstly as you're on your own I think you are definitely spending too much time thinking about things (which I do too even though I have a husband!). If your son and daughter in law have three children, one of whom is still very much a little baby, and I think you said your daughter in law is still working , I'm sure they don't feel as if they've got much time to think outside their immediate family. I sometimes think that we grandparents put ourselves in a more important position than we should and I know that if my mother or in-law had asked to have a fixed visit of once a week (or even two weeks) I would have run a mile....even though I loved seeing both of them. I think it's well documented that little children are quiet when picked up from school or nursery as they've just had a very energetic time with lots going on in their heads. No doubt you see other children full of chatter but children are people and have their own personalities. I would urge you not to give up on Skype;FaceTime. Of course you can't expect a four year old to want to sit and have a conversation for long but children grow! I have five grandchildren (very spread out and three of them not in the UK) and it's interesting to see how the six year old may give me a wave in passing but my granddaughter who is 12 will happily chat for half an hour or so and "take me" (via her iPad) to hear her play guitar or show me her artwork. Just be patient!! Finally, regarding daughters, I know the mother/daughter relationship is close but MIL/DIL can also be close - just different. In fact my two daughters in law sometimes confide that their mothers drive them slightly mad sometimes as they interfere so much!! Hope this helps a bit

Well I instinctively agree that it must be easier with daughters children. But only my son has had children. And from my experience as a mother who moved away with child and stayed away when second born I can only be grateful at the patience of their gran. My mum. She came up to stay a couple of times a year and we, and later just the children, went to stay with her. In between times she sent them little gifts and thoughtful contributions to coats and shoes. Children don’t forget this. The other gran my husbands mother was always negative never sent presents or money but did come up and stay a couple of times. I never felt I was good enough. She cut off all relations with us when I divorced her son. But when my children graduated she wrote to them asking whether they ever thought of their grandmother? I encouraged the children to write to her.. but they refused because in their eyes she hadn’t been there for them as children. Equally they had an aunt in America (my husbands sister) and she always remembered their birthdays and sent thoughtful things. They are still very close.
So now I am a gran to my son’s children. His wife’s parents visit very often and they have many shared holidays or they look after the children when parents go away. I have never been allowed by my DIL to have the children for an hour alone and I am not offered any access except very organised visits about three times a year. I’ve had to stop fretting about it. My son often FaceTimes and sends me little videos where they are saying ‘happy Saturday granny’ very to script but I’m grateful. and things like that. And I send them little gifts in the post. And pay towards anything they want. And be patient. That’s all I can say really. Except OP seems really kind and accepting. So good luck whatever you work out.

It is easier with daughters children. I was very close to first gs and looked after him the week baby was born as they stayed in hospital.He still asks for me but I haven't got to know baby as Nanny now looks after both.
My sons son comes here twice a week after school but he is growing up and more interested in computer etc than talking to me.I don't mind but laughed when I asked him whether he would take me out when he learns to drive. Probably not he said.?

I have one GS and see him all the time because he lives near and my daughter works. But if and when my DS has children I imagine I won't see them that often (as he doesn't live near) which I know would upset me. Call me an old softie, but I'm with the OP and would love to be surrounded by them every week actually. I had 4 grandparents all of whom I adored and saw constantly so this is normal to me.

I don’t bother about formal visiting arrangements. I keep ‘open house’ for Sunday dinner, and whoever wants to come just turns up. It’s usually most of the family, which is hard work, but no real problems, and I get to see everyone.
Other visits are as and when, providing I’m available, and naturally for any emergency.
It seems to work for us, but I do feel closer to DDs children as they live near me.
Everyone is different, and you can only do what suits your family, but with everyone being so busy these days, we grans must be happy with whatever contact our children see fit to allow - their children, their rules.

I have 3 sons,all married but only 2 have children,and 3 grandsons aged 6(7 soon),7&9. The 7 year old live 90 minutes away by car and both parents work so we don’t see him very often usually 3-5 times a year and the other 2 grandsons live 30 minutes away by car and both parents work but I usually see them more i.e at birthdays,school holidays and Christmas mainly because I can get there by bus (even though I have to catch 3 buses ) as I don’t drive but I don’t remember my parents seeing my children as often as weekly or fortnightly even though they were 1 bus ride away and I definitely didn’t see my grandparents on a regular basis,maybe saw them 2-4 times a year, as they lived in Bristol and my parents moved to be near Heathrow airport where my dad worked. So I don’t see this why some people get obsessed with seeing their grandchildren weekly or fortnightly. Sorry if I have upset anyone with my post

So interesting to read your comments, thanks to all. I joined Gransnet only a few days ago & yesterday was my first post ever. I've never been on any internet forum before, so good & helpful to hear different takes on situations. Have deciphered most of the abbreviations but what is OP please & D before e.g. husband ?? DGS also ? Can't be daughter's grandson, Dear Husband, Dear Grandson ?? Am I being dense, sorry ?!

Suebcrafty, not at all upset by your post., don't worry. We all have different experiences, perceptions and probably friends who are grandparents - I have a couple of local friends who see their GC once and twice a week respectively, go on holiday with them etc. It makes me feel wistful ( but I don't say ) However, I know how important it is to keep positive, & appreciate anytime we have with GC. Life isn't easy for young families whether they have good jobs or not, hopefully we can understand their pressures ( having been there even if in different ways ) and be a blessing in whatever way we are able - however little or great out physical time is with them. Oh, dear didn't mean to be preachy, just an opinion, for all post readers.

Suzigran - Welcome! You'll be surprised and pleased, I hope, to gradually realise how much friendship and support there is on these boards. AIBU can sometimes be a place of disagreement, even strife, but there are so many other places to go.
D is dear or darling, not everyone uses it. When first on I was surprised how many people had doctors in the family. Then I caught on that GP was grandparent!
Enjoy Gransnet ?

Thank you ! .... & OP please ?

We're all different and so are our families. Circumstances and people change and those clear eyed beaming babies gradually grow up.
When she was 4 I started collecting one GD from school on Fridays. This became a commitment to every weekend and school holiday. Pleased to help initially, eventually I sometimes felt exploited. We did become very close and have some wonderful memories. Now I don't grudge a minute of my time and regret that I ever had negative thoughts. She drifted away emotionally in her mid teens as so many young people do. She made some mistakes (don't we all?!) but now has a qualification, a job she enjoys and a much loved child. Lack of time and transport means we don't meet often but we still have a close bond.
About FaceTime - I find having one or two hand puppets available keeps toddlers interested for longer and also can help draw out shy older children.

I wonder if the OP invited her own parents or in-laws to stay fortnightly; that's terribly restricting. I am lucky to live near both my daughters and see them and the grandchildren regularly in the week, but leave them well alone at the weekends, unless asked to babysit, as that is their family time. Maybe the OP should consider moving closer and then just pop in for shorter times without having to actually stay overnight.
My own parents and in-laws lived over a 3 hour drive away, but luckily in the same town, so we could visit both in the same journey and we went to see them about 8 times a year. They came to ours for their holidays (we live on the coast) three times a year, separately. No problems with bonding; our children remembered and loved their visits.

I interpret OP as 'opinion poster', that's you. Click on the word acronyms - under 'Gransnet forums' at the top of the for a full list of abreviations.

Or Original Poster or Original Post.

I remember when my daughters were little, they only saw their grandparents occassionally as both sets lived a long way away and were all still working. We went to stay with each set for a week during the summer holidays and they came to us at Christmas.
However, once my parents had retired and we moved closer to them, things changed. My parents would just turn up unannounced and expect everyone to be in and to drop whatever they were doing to entertain them. My mother especially would take umbrage if we weren't in - they had a set of our house keys and there would be a terse note to tell us off. One Saturday morning she stormed off because we didn't all jump to attention quickly enough - girls were getting ready for their swimming lesson and I was in the shower.
I'm a grandmother now and my grandson, who is just 14 months old, is in the USA. We just made him and his parents as welcome as possible when they came to stay at Christmas and ask them when it's convenient for us to visit them - and we stay in a hotel!