Forgive me yet again

I never asked questions I only wanted them to know what she was saying and doing which was hurting her

Anniebach, you have so explained the hurt you are going through! I am so sorry for you and am afraid once more, for myself, of what life can throw at us as mothers. The patient confidentiality issue is a strange one to understand. I suppose if you had been your daughter's primary carer you might have been told more about her condition and treatment if the doctor thought it helpful. I doubt if you could have averted the tragedy even if you had been primary carer. You were a mother who was there for her and so did not fail her, and there was no more that any mother could possibly do .

Annie - she would have just been on the 3 drugs - the diazepam turns into nordiazepam in the body, so that it is why it appeared in the blood results. It does not mean she was on an additional drug to the three. It does sound as though her drug regime made total sense, so please do not let that be a cause for concern for you.

I understand your frustration at feeling you were banging your head against a brick wall trying to get some action when you knew she was having a bad patch. I am sorry to hear this.

One thing you need to hang on to is that there is nothing else you could have done for her. Serious depression is hard to describe, but no matter how much love you are surrounded with (and she expressed that she knew this by taking the photos with her) nothing makes that truly dreadful feeling go away - you feel so ill that sometimes there seems no other way out - you just want it to stop. Sometimes there is nothing that loved ones can do - the illness is too powerful.

She will have been feeling so ill that she just needed to seek some peace, which she now has. It is a measure of how very ill she was that, even though she knew how devastated you would be, she felt she had no choice.

Depression is a truly dreadful illness. I am so very sorry that your family has been left in such sorrow; but do not beat yourself up thinking you might have saved her - there was nothing you could have done that you did not do - you were fighting an enemy (the depression) that was too strong.

I wish you the strength to cope with the inquest, and hope that you can find some peace.

Annie I wish I could hug you.

Annie . Love and Hugs . Take care of yourself and try not to torment yourself with "if onlys".

I'm not very good at words, but want you to know that I am thinking of you with very deep sympathy.

Luckygirl , so she wasn't taking three drugs but two?

She sent me a text saying - it's official, but I will not go to X I can't take my dogs. I want the house sold - the family home, I will buy a cheap house in the valleys or a caravan .

After she died one of the housing officers - a friend- phoned me and she was sobbing, kept saying ' I am so sorry, so sorry' I thought she was talking about my daughters death , now I realise my daughter was fearing eviction. I asked several times for a two bedroomed bungalow so she could live with me but no. Yet a man who use to live in this cul de sac , left his wife who still lives here, he has been allocated a two bedroomed opposite his ex wife who divorced him for mental cruelty.

X is a town 30 miles away, there is no hospital there but there is a refuge for homeless women .

Why did the police call at her house four hours before she died, all they say in the statements is their visit was not connected to her death but not why they were there. At 1 in the morning!

From what you have said she was on Diazapam Paroxetine and Paracetamol. So it sounds as though she had a sleeping tablet (diazepam), an anti-depressant (paroxetine) and a painkiller (paracetamol).

The diazepam might also have been prescribed to act as a tranquilizer.

Presumably the paracetamol was just for times when she had physical pain and this might have been bought over the counter rather than prescribed.

I can see why you are concerned about the police visit during the night - hopefully the reasons for that will come out during the inquest. x

Thank you Luckygirl for explaining the medication. I don't expect to learn anything from the inquest, my son in law had to sign or not sign a form saying the coroner could reach a verdict based on the witness statements, this will be the two people on the bridge , my son in laws and mine . He will sign, no point in asking questions , the coroner will either declare sucicide or misadventure and that's the end of it.

Your sadness and pain come over so strongly Annie and my heart aches for you. I can't begin to think how I would cope if I were in your shoes. I hope your faith helps and that the kind words and thoughts of all GNs also help, even in some small way, to bear you up. You are not alone even though we are virtual friends. Our sympathy and care for you is genuine. May you find some peace.

As someone has said, be kind to yourself, Annie. This is all so very sad.

You are all wonderful and I thank you. I need to let this all go, the statements were a shock and I needed to share my thoughts .

I am experience anger ,which I do not like, but it is a stage in grief I suppose, I am even angry with my husband for dying forty years ago and not being with us . The most difficult part of suddenly being a one parent family is not the money worries or trying to be in two places at once such as school sports day when one is in the egg and spoon race and one in the sack race at the same time ? It's not having that one person to ask - what can WE do, what COULD we have done and not sharing the child's love or tears .

My ex sisters always said - it isn't good for you put the girls at the centre of your life isn't that what loving them means?

She was my world, filled my world with love and laughter , quite simply I adored her , she was also my best friend. But she has gone and this has to be accepted, she is with God and she is healed .

Crying here for you Annie. No answers. We have had 2 reminders today as well. Then DH and I discussing how long we should do the postal redirect for. Not big issues but still opening the wound daily.

Find that man, go and meet him. Give him a hug.

You were right to put the girls at the centre of your life when they were small. You had sole responsibility for them. And as they grew and made lives of their own that closeness was bound to still be there - nothing wrong with that. Your sisters were a bit out of order to make those remarks.

Your love was and always will be with your girls. It is so sad that one became so ill that her life ended; but I always say that love never dies - she will have shared that love with her own children, and so it lives on. Love is like a magic penny, as they say - if you give it away, you end up having more.

My sisters believed their husbands came first and their children fitted in with that. They love their children though.

I suppose I didn't have to think about a husband but admit if he had lived the girls would still have come first, he and I thought the same. My sisters took their children sledging but didn't do sledging , I did ? One January my elder daughter asked - what's the sea like in winter , next day we packed a picnic, I drove to Pembrokeshire and we picnicked on the beach , boots, scarves and hats , saw lightening flashing across the sea, fantastic and their eyes were almost on stalks, one sister told my parents I was irresponsible!

Not even her death can take memories away can it

What a lovely memory! How great to have an "irresponsible" Mum!!!!

One more and then I will shut up, my darling daughter went with the stamp collecting club to an exhibition in London, she got grabbed by a police officer, she climbed over a rope and was happily taking photographs of a sheet of Penny Blacks, the officer lifted her back over the cordon gave her and the teacher a ticking off, she said - but i wanted my Mum to see them . Every school trip she would seek out a kiosk, phone me to say - love you , and rung off, I had visions of her missing the coach every time she did it ?

Both girls went on a barge holiday with the church youth group, phone rings- Mum I am in hospital a bridge hit me, rung off. I panicked , priests wife phoned, assured me my girl was alright, she stood up on the barge As it was entering under the bridge to see how much head room there was .

This was life with my beautiful girl , ?

And this was her life with a mum like you, Annie. Every memory you have, so she had too, and that is a beautiful gift to have given her.

Oh Annie I didn't know about your daughter,I can't begin to know your pain and heartbreak,I can't offer any advice...I just want to send you love and know that All of us,your GN 'family'....care.
Hugs to you Annie?

Annie I cannot possibly imagine how you feel, but just want you to know you are among friends here, and please feel free to offload here, any time, day or night, there will always be one of us 'on duty'. You are remembering special memories from your wonderful daughter, and also from the wonderful childhood you gave her, share them with your grandchildren, tell them how their Mother was, how quirky, affectionate, inquisitive, keep her alive with these stories. Sending love xx

Annie - my thoughts are with you. It must be distressing to read all these details. I'm sure it would help you to write to the man who helped, even if the Police don't give you his contact details, you can write via them. Hopefully things will ease slightly once the inquest is over.

Annie, speak to the police about contacting the man who helped your daughter. After the inquest for my sister, I was able to write a letter to the man driving the lorry that hit her, He had done nothing wrong, just found himself in a situation where he couldn't see her until too late. I did it through the Coroner and sent the letter in an unsealed envelope, so that they could check the text so that they knew it was not abusive and they put the address on.

That your DD had those photos with her that reminded her of all those she loved and who loved her, means she knew you cared. I do not know her history, but, surely what brought her to her death was the inner pain caused by her illness, not rejection by the family.

One sometimes reads of people who have terrible physical diseases committing suicide. Usually the notes they leave says they do it because their physical sufferings are so bad and they can bear no more and that they want to spare their family from seeing them suffer. They do it for love of their families that love them. Is there much difference between them and your daughter? When people are in great pain, they do not always see that those that love them look at it differently.

Be glad your daughter had those photos they show she knew how much she was loved.

I am writing my memories of my daughter for her children, sadly their memories are of her when she was ill, her son, the eldest has said - I remember her when she was fun. The girls were only eleven and eight when the illness started and thirteen and eleven when she was self medicating and left the family home , I so want them to know her when she was well, I tell them how she loved them and left because she didn't want to cause them more hurt , she adored them even through the dark days . I understand they find anger easier to live with than emotional pain, they are happy, well adjusted young adults, but come the time I am not with them and they have children I want them to know the real person not the illness . They know their father never stopped loving her .

I think writing down all the happy memories you have of her will be a wonderful thing to do, both for you and for her children (and for future generations too) to remember her as she was before the illness took over.