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Hope you don't think I am crass, but I do need advice

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grandtanteJE65 Tue 15-Aug-23 12:15:51

Yesterday we were hit by the bombshell: my husband presumablly has a malign tumour and the prognosis is not good.

He quite understandably has managed to understand the doctor's words much more favourably than I did, and I do realise that this is a coping strategy that he is using to find the strenght to fight the cancer.

I have no desire to undermine his efforts, but these include refusing to discuss the subject and initially asking me not to tell anyone - son, SILs friends etc. although he later agreed that I need someone to talk to about this.

So please, if any of you who have been the healthy partner in a marriage that looks like being dissolved by death very soon, can you give me any pointers?

How do I balance his needs with mine?
How do I help him best?
And how do I find the strength to smile "Although my heart is breaking"

I am looking at support groups right now, but as we don't live in the UK, you don't need to suggest any by name, as we have different ones here.

I know I married him for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and I know we are both shell-shocked right now. and the prognosis may not look so dire on Friday when the biopsy report is in, but I need to soldier on without weeping, as obviously that distresses my husband and does me no good either.

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hollysteers Wed 01-Nov-23 21:27:55

Very sad news grandtante and I send my sincere condolences to you at this most difficult time🙏🏻

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Namsnanny Wed 01-Nov-23 21:30:15

So very sorry to hear this grandtanteJE65 flowers

My Father had oesophagous cancer, my thoughts are with you and your son.

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JaneJudge Wed 01-Nov-23 21:32:59

I’m so sorry too xx lots of love to you all x

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GrannySomerset Wed 01-Nov-23 21:40:30

Thinking of you at this most difficult of times but so glad your DH could say goodbye to his son.

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rafichagran Wed 01-Nov-23 21:44:17

I am so sorry.

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dragonfly46 Wed 01-Nov-23 22:29:51

I am so sorry to hear your news Grandetante.

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Curlywhirly Wed 01-Nov-23 22:41:09

Oh grandtante was so very sorry and shocked to hear your sad news today - the prognosis for your DH had seemed so positive. My Mum had oesophagous cancer and it's very hard to see someone you love struggling to eat and drink. So glad that your DH managed to say goodbye to your son. My sincerest condolences to you all. thanks

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LauraNorderr Wed 01-Nov-23 22:59:21

I’m so sorry to hear your sad news Grandtante flowers

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ChickenLicken Wed 01-Nov-23 23:06:41

So sorry grandetanteJE65 Thinking of you.

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ixion Wed 01-Nov-23 23:08:19

I was so sad to read your news Grandtante.
Please know that I too hold you in my heart at this time most difficult time 🕯️.

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Mizuna Wed 01-Nov-23 23:29:43

So, so sorry. thanks

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Cabbie21 Wed 01-Nov-23 23:30:59

So sorry to read your sad news, Grandetante. It is hard when the end is sooner than expected, but glad that your husband hung on long enough to see his son. He is at peace now.
All our thoughts are with you.

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maddyone Wed 01-Nov-23 23:34:58

I’m so sorry to hear this news grandetante. flowers

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GrannyRose15 Thu 02-Nov-23 02:44:35

This is so sad and very difficult for you. Please stay positive for him and smile as much as you can. When I was diagnosed with cancer one of the worst things I had to deal with was other people’s grief. Your DH will need you to be the strong one. Sending love 💐

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GrannyRose15 Thu 02-Nov-23 02:53:19

Sorry to hear your sad news. 💐

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grandMattie Thu 02-Nov-23 05:28:12

I’m so sorry to hear your news, but glad your son was able to say goodbye to your husband.
The next few weeks are going to be hideous. “Tell us once” is an extremely helpful website. Be prepared for organisations to murmur their condolences then be impossibly obstructive.
Accept EVERY offer of help, even if it means taking a rain cheque.
All the very best at this most difficult and emotionally draining time. Be aware that you are going to be ambushed by sadness at the least expected times.
Big 🫂 hugs

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Bellasnana Thu 02-Nov-23 06:35:42

I also lost my beloved husband to oesophageal cancer eight years ago. Such a cruel disease.

My heartfelt condolences to you and all who loved your dear husband.

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Susan56 Thu 02-Nov-23 07:01:32

So sorry to hear your sad news💐

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Wheniwasyourage Thu 02-Nov-23 07:26:51

Very sorry to hear your sad news. 💐

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Greyduster Thu 02-Nov-23 07:52:25

Grandetante I’m so very sorry. I have no words except to say that I know what you and your family are going through. You will find your inner strengths. Be kind to yourselves and take it a day at a time.💐

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Alygran Thu 02-Nov-23 08:31:59

Deepest condolences 💐

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cornergran Thu 02-Nov-23 08:45:04

I’m so sorry to hear your sad news grandetante. My condolences to you and all who loved your husband.

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Sparklefizz Thu 02-Nov-23 08:45:19

Grandetante So sorry to hear your sad news. My Dad had oesophageal cancer back in the early 1980s - no real treatment in those days unfortunately. It is so hard when the end is sooner than expected.
Big hugs to you. flowers

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sodapop Thu 02-Nov-23 08:58:02

So sorry to hear your sad news Grandetante my thoughts are with you and your family.thanks

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Grandmadinosaur Thu 02-Nov-23 10:48:36

So very sorry to hear your sad news. May your DH rest in peace 💐

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