Older Love

Gally I know I can't say anything that will alleviate the alone-ness you're feeling, but I can say I admire your fortitude and willingness to involve yourself with friends, holidays and all the travelling you've done to be with your family, since John died.
Take care.

So glad to hear that you are happy in Australia Joan. Our neighbours moved over there twenty years ago, and they have never looked back.

Hi dorsetpennt. Did you ever think that your love story from M&S would get so many different replies and spin-offs? It has been and still is one to "make you think". Thank you.

I spent a lot of my years as a nurse being separated then divorced. I was told many times by a elderly man and his wife," boy your husband sure is lucky to have you"I would smile and say " no,you are the lucky ones". I saw many good and bad relationships but the older couples always warmed my heart.

I still believe that marriages later in life cause problems to families and they are best avoided.

Frank

Frank, don't you think that certain marriages, whatever the age of the couple, may cause problems to the couple or their families. The most notable recent example ( mentioned on other threads) was the Charles and Diana fiasco.
At least, with the advantage of age and experience, I'm sure that marriages in later life are more likely to succeed.

Frank - your view is a very sad one. Is it just about the inheritance issues?

I am quite sure that if one of us was left alone our DSs would be delighted to see us happy with a new partner. If you are talking about money again Frank that is the last thing that would be on their minds.

I agree with HUNTERF.

I know of a number of instances where a second marriage has caused great hurt and resentment to adult children.

For instance, a friend of mine's mother died and her father remarried fairly soon. When her father died the second wife kept all of her mother's ornaments, furniture and anything else of value and this caused great distress.

I would be (fairly) happy to see DH with a new partner if I die first but only if he does not marry her and disinherit our children.

Or him, who knows!

After my Granddad died, my Nanna started going to Saturday afternoon bingo sessions with her friend They were both widows. After the bingo they would go for afternoon tea at a local hotel. It was there that they met two gentlemen, neither of whom had ever married. My Nanna and one of the gentlemen soon fell for each other, and announced their engagement. It didn't go down very well with my Mum. My Granddad was only fifty six when he died of MS, and my Mum absolutely idolised him.. However they were soon married, and he was an absolute angel with my Nanna, a real knight in shining armour. My Mum soon warmed to him, and he made my Nanna really happy. Unfortunately he died after they had been married for only five years. My Nanna didn't want to have another relationship,she said that she had loved, and had the love of two wonderful men, and that she didn't want to take the chance of maybe being unlucky. Older people can't give up the second chance of love. If that person is a good and worthy person, it is wrong for other family members to discourage it.

bluebell

It would have certainly would have caused some problems if my father remarried.
I owned half the house and was in occupation.

Frank

But Frank - if your dad had met someone who made him really happy and they wanted to be together, there were plenty of solutions as you well know . As I said earlier, is it all about the money? That's why I think it's so sad.

petallus

The one classic case I know was when a father got re married and the son had been left half of the house by his mother his half was registered in his name.
The father willed the house to the second wife and died a few months later and the son wanted his half.
I know court proceedings were commenced but I don't know what happened in the end as I left London and lost contact.

Frank

bluebell

The only solution would have been if she owned a house.
On our land certificate it said no sale or transfer of the house without the consent of both myself and my father.
Even if he had willed the house to her it looks as if I could have stopped the transfer.

Frank

Why is there this assumption that second partners are necessarily predatory? They could be richer, have a bigger house, a better pension - who cares? It doesn't have to come down to money anyway - what price happiness in a person's latter years? If my father had found a lady friend to ease the loneliness of the years after Mum died I would have been delighted for him. You can't put a price on happiness or love.

gracesmum you have said it all in a nutshell. It is money that is the root of all evil and arguments, not love.

On the other hand, I have been married for 46 years and consider I have contributed equally to our present assets. I want these (or at least my half) to go to my children and grandchildren when we die (one of my DD is quite poor).

I would not begrudge DH finding a new partner if I died first but I would be pretty upset to think that everything would go to the new wife and nothing to my children.

I've seen it happen.

New partners are not always sympathetic to adult children of their new husband.

So have I petallus and the person concerned had to sit back and watch their inheritance frittered away by someone who had only been in their parent's life for a short time.
DH has always said he would not deny me happiness in old age but I should never re-marry and allow his money, intended for his GC, to go to another family. I have to agree, why should another family live comfortably on his hard earned money.

petallus

You could speak to a solicitor and get your house split in to tenants in common ownership and then will your half to your children.
This would leave your husband with the right to stay in the home for the rest of his life.
If he did get re married then probably a legally binding agreement could be made for the children to inherit all of the house as long as they allow the new wife to stay in the house for the rest of her life but not own it.
If it is worded correctly the house could not be taken towards the new wife care fees if she goes in to care.

Frank

gracesmum

I don't think you would have been happy to have inherited half of your parents house, moved in and spent thousands of £'s on it and then have your surviving parents partner try and throw you out.

Frank

Isn't the answer to set up a trust? Friends of mine have done this and have made me a trustee.

annodomini

A trust may be ok at certain stages in life.
I know of one case where half a house went in to trust when the mother died and the beneficiaries were 2 teenage girls.
It did give powers to the father to sell the house and substitute it with another one. At the time the father was in his 40's and I think it was written that way because the father may have to move for his job for example.
I understand there was a clause allowing him to re marry and the future wife had the right to stay in the home.
He went and married a woman who was not much older than his daughters and this woman outlived both his daughters and his daughters never saw their inheritance.
In my case it was best the ownership of half of the house was transferred to me as I moved in to my parental home after selling mine.

Frank

I don't think it is so complicated. All you have to do is write a new will as soon as you are married and leave your assets to whomever you wish. Simple. The only thing to note is that the will must be made after the marriage.

For many of us our house is our biggest asset so you would first have to make sure your house was held as tentants in common (as HUNTERF said above).

There are drawbacks with this method though. For instance, if DH died and left his half of our house to my DD and then she was involved in an acrimonious divorce from her husband, husband could claim a percentage of her interest in my house in their divorce settlement (conceivably).

Also, if DD fell on hard times and wanted to claim benefits, I believe her interest in the house might prevent her getting them. House would then presumably have to be sold so she could have her share to live on.

At least this is what I heard. If I am wrong it would be useful to know.