Denied contact with grandchildren

I think your son in law and daughter are losing the plot!

Shows how often they do the school run , if they think anyone could possibly sneak into a school these days!

yesterday I heard my s-i-l telling my grandson that I am a nasty person. I immediately responded by saying that it wasn’t a kind thing to do. Grandson said “daddy says that lots.”
S-i-l then tells me I can have contact with the kids again once I apologise
I am finding it hard to accept that he is so happy to use the children as bargaining chips.
No doubt if I did apologise the next time I did something that wasn’t to his liking he would withdraw contact again.
There are some very unpleasant people in the world.
My heart goes out to all those who are suffering from the same situation, from what can only be described as abusive relationships.

So he's alreadt realised how much your GS misses you and wants to put you in your place by telling you to apologise, yes he's controlling. He tells your gs that you're nasty, yes he's abusive. At least you know what you're dealing with.. I think you could apologise on this occasion. You don't want to lose contact with your gs. Be the better person.

Your son in law sounds horrible, what I don’t understand, is why your daughter is allowing this to happen, it’s not only distressing for you and your husband, it’s so cruel to your little grandson. Why can’t she stand up to him, has he always controlled her in this way?

I have been following your story to learn that both your daughter and son-in-law have "blanked you" and your son-in-law was extremely rude to say that you are "a nasty person" and in front of your GS too. Now SIL expects you to apologize before you can have contact with your GS again... You are not his whipping boy. You are his MIL and deserve some respect.
I think it would be unwise to resume the school run and to undertake child minding until this very upsetting situation is resolved.
As other posters have said I wonder if you and your husband can talk to your daughter on her own initially. I would tell her your SIL seems very angry and has been unkind to you and ask her if this results from his being bereaved and take it from there. It may transpire that the couple are in need of some counselling ( if your daughter says her husband is controlling), or your SIL needs bereavement counselling or you all need some family counselling together.
Meantime you need to take good care of yourself.

I decided yesterday that I would try to talk to my daughter on her own in the hope of moving the situation forward. As she works unpredictable hours the first chance I will get will be tomorrow morning when she will be at home and SIL should be at work.
I’m going to send her a text asking to talk. I’ll let you know if she will.
I think you may be right about the need for bereavement counciling.

Debcz personally after reading of the controlling behaviour demonstrated by your SiL I wouldn't speak to your DD alone. She doesn't seem to have stood up for you, her Mum, and I can almost guarantee that things will only get worse when he finds out you have spoken to your DD alone (or tried to speak to her, she may not agree).
Awkward, difficult and unnecessary but speak to them together is my advice.
From bitter personal experience, like so many others, sadly I know what it's like to be cut out. I wish you luck and send my best wishes to you

Yes let us know how it goes. Keep yourself calm, try a few deep breaths beforehand. Best of luck!

Good luck OP. I hope you’re daughter resolves this.

The very sad truth of this situation became very clear yesterday.
My daughter is the driving force behind all this.
She has very obviously wound her husband up into doing this.
She laughed at my being upset.
I’m devastated.

Oh Debz that's hard to hear but at least you know the truth. I'm still hopeful for you as at least you made contact. Can she make an exception this time and allow you to show that you'll be more mindful in the future or has she told you to back off entirely? Did she talk about the GC seeing you?

Debczhow terribly upsetting for you, I'm really sorry.

As Joyfulnanna has said, at least you have made contact. As hard as it will be to do so, could you adopt an outward more casual and laid back approach to seeing your GC? If your D finds the hurt you're experiencing amusing, it may be better if you keep your pain hidden, from her at least.

I'm so sorry to hear this Debcz. I sincerely hope you can resolve the situation, it's very hard to understand your daughter's attitude. Could her laughing actually be covering embarrassment and guilt maybe? You know your girl, if it's out of character then there must be something else going on?

I thought I knew her....now I don’t know.. how does it go from “mum can I send the boys over.......mum have you done your jobs as they want to come over .....can you have them for a couple of nights” to “you will have nothing to do with them” over watching a school play, in a matter of days?
She was vicious too. It was like an encounter with the school bully when you are a small child.

I think I’m just in shock.

As to the school run... she is never letting me do it again. She seemed to consider it as a privilege that could be taken away.
We were doing it to help as S-i-l otherwise has to drop one at school and the other at nursery 20 miles away before work.

Debcz....I just don’t know what to say!!!
I’ve had such similar things happen to me...especially the laughing!!
I do empathise. One thing I do is try not to give them any amunituon, as I feel they (in my case) are desperate to lay all the blame at my door.
I can’t say I’m successful because I have told it as I see it, but I’m 6 years down the road towards complete separation, and have given up on rectifying the situation with my ac. So I try to let the hurt go and concentrate on trying to be whiter than white so I can see gc.
It’s hard and I long for the life I worked towards but as I said there is practically no chance of that happening.
If there is anything i can do to help be sure I would like to

Debcz

Read your update with astonishment, this is so horrible for you

I can’t imagine how you are feeling, and I really don’t know what to suggest, but please know I’m thinking about you

Debcz, my heart goes out to you! How can a D be so callous towards a M? And how can parents be so insensitive to the feelings of their own children? How can they teat kids away from GPs that they love and that have been a big part of their lives? How can they tell kids that someone they love is a "nasty person?" I don't get it.

I agree that there is more going on here than the rehearsal issue. And for a D to laugh at her M's pain? Well.. I imagine this is about more than wanting to sell property, also. I suspect there is an ongoing issue between you and D, unforutnately, even if you don't realize it. Maybe she didn't feel she could react to it too much while they lived on your property, but now that they moved, she may feel she can. Or perhaps the rehearsal incident was the proverbial "last straw" to whatever overall issue is. Did SIL give you any clue to what that larger issue might be when he told you why he was taking Freddie away from you?

He did let you know what you can do to regain access to your GC - apologize. The question is, for what? For going to the rehearsal w/o letting them know/giving them a chance to ask you not to? That's easy enough to do, IMO. Or for "sneaking in?" That would be harder, I imagine, since that's not what happened. I think it's worth apologizing for going w/o discussing it w/ them first, as it involves their children. But that's as far as I would go.

You may be afraid the same thing could happen again if you do something D doesn't like. But IMO, maintaining you relationship w/ your GC makes it worth a try. If it becomes a repeat pattern, you can rethink.... Just my opinion...

debcz

Totally dreadful- I don’t know why your daughter would be like this. Is she well? It just seems all so over the top. As for the school run let them do it then. I sincerely hope this all sorts its self out as it must be horrible and totally draining. Shameful behaviour from them. ?

Debcz how can it go from 'I don't not what I'd ever do with you mum' to 'you are no longer a part of my life and are to stay away'?

I'm sure you are in a state of shock, who wouldn't be in your position. The trouble is of course, we try to apply logic to an illogical situation. We try to apply reason where there is none. We try to apply maturity to those who possess none.

Laughing at our pain no, we never had that, well at least not to our faces thank God, but who knows what's gone on behind our backs. I can't imagine how that must have been for you and Namsnanny; horrible, just horrible.

As you say Boosgran let them get on with the school run, they may come to see that the favour was from you to them and not the other way around.

6 years for you Namsnanny of reduced contact and 6.5 for us with none at all. It must be so stressful for you.

Yes, Smileless2012 I just feel so sorry for anyone going through this. You make some very valid points that I agree with. There just doesn’t seem any logic to this situation at all. It is truly dreadful that family can behave like this. Very sad for this poster and anyone else going through similar situations.

Lots of support from our lovely Gransnetters here. It warms my heart and I hope it helps you to know we're thinking about you at this very sad time. Your shock at your DD reaction will take its toll on your health, it did for me but I am slowly recovering 9 months down the line. You will too, please be kind to yourself. The love and care you provided will be remembered by your GC, no one can take that away from them and I'm sure they think fondly of you for it, despite what the parents say. Schools teach compassion towards others so they will form their own opinions based on their experiences with you.

Joyfulnanna …….Such lovely encouraging words and so true.
Hopefully the op's gc will remember as they are a little older.

Just feel that my gc wont remember much about me and their gf because they are so young. Plus if they hear negative things being said, they will more than likely fall in line with their parents opinions. For the foreseeable anyway.
sorry for the hijack!

Thanks Smileless….Yes the laughing over the phone was horrific, and when we tried to explain why we were so hurt resulted in this inexplicable reaction.
Really did shock me. It made my blood run cold as it showed a blatant disregard for any feelings we had.

Namsnanny, I missed the post where you said your and DH's feelings were laughed at, too. How can AC be so cruel? Hugs!

Apparently, you still have access to your GC though. I'm glad to hear that. The contact may be reduced, sadly, but it's there. You seem focused on maintaining and enjoying that, and I'm glad you are. Hope you have many more delightful visits w/ your GC!