SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

Violet, I think it depends massively.

For us, I wouldn't wish what we went through on anyone, let alone my own children.
Karma always come back around, that I believe. Actions have consequences and there's only so much people can take before calling it quits. Sometimes people walking away from a relationship is Karma.

I think you're teaching your children that you don't have to tolerate bullsh!t from anyone, even your parents. If said person is effecting your mental health, or your health in a negative way its absolutely ok to leave, divorce, walk away...whatever it is if they are not willing to change their hurtful behaviour.

I think her hoping that your children estrange you says alot more about her than you. She sounds bitter.
It's on par with 'you'll never find another woman/man like me.'

Whiff

I'm sorry you didn't like what I said. Maybe it is just that I have been estranged a bit longer than you but yes, wishing those who hurt us harm is something I do understand and empathise with which is why I commented but it does feel better when you move past that stage and find peace.

It doesn't really matter who the abusive people are in your life, abusive people are all the same. The only difference is the impact it has on you depending on their role in your life.

PoppyBlue thank you for saying that.

Maybe I have gone too far the other way but the idea of some sort of karma or universal punishment became completely tied to my anxiety and I had to undo that.

For instance, if my cat goes missing, one of the first places my mind might go is to blame myself and think I deserve it. That sort of thinking is almost selfish in a way? Why would karma or the universe punish me by harming my cat?

No, that's not helpful thinking and it has to go when you have searching to do and posters to put up and actual real life dealing with the issue that needs to happen.

Dealing with it in real life and not getting stuck in my head meant I did all the right things and found my cat.

Once upon a time my anxiety would have crippled me.

Now I just see it as choices, every part of life is a choice, everything that happens happens due to a choice. The reason it goes wrong sometimes is either because I made a bad choice, the wrong choice, a good choice that had a bad result or someone else made a choice that impacted me.

I have no idea if any of that will make sense

Teaching your children what is and is not acceptable behaviour is part of being a parent Honesty, compassion and loyalty. How much harder it is knowing that that was how they were raised, and you are the one(s) who they then treat so badly.

Not just you, but their own children by denying them their GP's and in many cases an entire extended family.

I don't blame karma, the universe or anything or anyone else for our estrangement. I blame or ES and his wife. Always have done and always will.

As you say PoppyBlue "actions have consequences". Those consequences may not become apparent for sometime, years even but I firmly believe that the truth always comes out in the end, no matter how hard some may try to keep hidden.

For me, I just hope I live long enough to see it.

Yes it makes perfect sense, I think when you have been raised as everything being your fault, it sticks, and it's hard to get rid of.

Anxiety is ridiculous, once you have intrusive thoughts you make yourself even more anxious than you was to begin with. It's really hard to pull yourself back and rationalise situations. You have to retrain your brain and thought process.

Yes the truth always comes out in the end. Masks slip and true colours always shine through.

Masks slip and true colours always shine through.

That's so true PoppyBlue

The intrusive thoughts... Its like having a nightmare but being awake. I shout at myself or out loud music on, anything to shut it down

Violet, for someone that thinks that they did the right thing estranging your parents, you sound obsessed by it and justifying your actions. Why are you constantly validating your experience, you have what you want. I think you teach children to respect themselves and to be kind to others and that applies to family and it’s a last resort to go no contact.
We come on here to cope and have support with the fall out of being estranged, you constantly go back to abuse all the time, despite being told repeatedly that we are not abusers, it’s upsetting, so please stop bringing ut up.

My experience of estrangement is abuse Allsorts I'm sorry that upsets you, it upsets me too sometimes

I still want support at times, perhaps someone could set up a support thread for those of us who have estranged due to parental abuse.

I too blame my ES and his wife for my estrangement, not karma or anything else. But I'm not so sure that the truth will come out in the end. Why, after years, could that happen.
When l was being estranged, l asked him, by text-the only way they would communicate. to think very carefully about what was happening. He took a day or so to answer and texted that all the stuff they had said, that l didn't recognise or understand, was true and that was that.

I feel sure that the estrangement will have affected him as l think he needed family. I hope she is enough for him. But she will have had complete control and l can't see that he is ever going to see what really happened. I think it may be wishful thinking, though l do hope he will understand someday

When l was working there was a colleague who was estranged from his son, though l didn't know of that word then. We had worked together for years and had known each other since the son was born. We never mentioned anything about his son but l recently telephoned him and we briefly discussed estrangement as I'm now in the same boat. I gathered it had been very sudden and he didn't know why.
But this has gone on now for over thirty years. How after all this time could the truth come out? He has grown up grandchildren who probably don't know he exists.

I would have liked to see my GP more. My Mother hated them, but she tolerated them a few times a year for a few hours so we could see them and I got to stay with them sometimes. I'm grateful that she didn't estrange them but tolerated them in small doses "for the kids".

Today's kids who have estranged their parents may want to be careful what example they are setting their children because even though people have advised me to cut off my parents at times for their toxicity, I have not. Karma will come to bite them in the ass, surely! Their kids will sense their bitterness and feel deprived of a normal and loving family, I'm sure.

As far as estranging people because of their behaviour, I see that sometimes you may need to distance from people whose behaviour is toxic for you- but what if someone does it without discussing it or giving it a chance to be worked through? Surely it's best to get therapy and learn ways to deal with difficult people? There is a book I read once called "Dealing with difficult people" and it has tactics for dealing with every difficult personality type. I found it useful in the workplace when I was managing a team. People are difficult in general, some more than others- but I don't feel that cutting people off is the answer unless you want to shrink your world and live hermetically.

You are doing so well Whiff and Smileless! I'm so glad you had a happy ending Yogini! I hope all goes well with your son Derbyshirelass!

VioletSky why don't you start the thread that would deal with adults that were abused as children by their parents and have estranged them.

And leave us no abusive parents along. Like Allsorts I get upset your always going to abuse.

I repeat again I didn't abuse my son by word or deed in any way. First I knew that anything was wrong was his email and then follow up letter with all the unopened cards and presents.

OnwardandUpward thank you. But if you look back to when you first posted you have changed and coping so much better. You are stronger and happier than you were. And that takes a lot of courage .

A lot on here have changed so much I know I have. And it's wonderful to see. By having a safe place to talk and know we are understood means a lot. I don't talk to my daughter about her brother as she has washed her hands of him. And it only makes my brother angry the way I have been treated and all the family. My 3 grandson's are growing up knowing their parents and one grandmother who lives with them and an aunt and uncle who live the other side of the world. And that's sad.

Arwen has been raging all yesterday and still raging now. One of the side panels of my greenhouse came out I managed to rescue it. But think I have lost at least one roof panel. My daughter and family are coming over to see what can be done. Will get then to super glue the panels in and will order some new ones. I forget I live so close to the sea.

Hopefully none of you have had any fences down or any damage to property. And be careful walking your dog's . My nextdoor neighbours planters are all over my front garden. Hopefully she will clean up the mess they have made .

Be careful if you go out.

Morning Whiff,
I hope you manage to retrieve the storm damage, its pretty bad this way.
I support your suggestion that VS starts her own thread, that way she can support totally other posters who are in the same position as her.
After reading some of her posts they detract( for me) any comfort or help i had taken from the support of EPs.
I find myself questioning myself...which in its self isn't a bad thing...but I 100% know like you,that I have never ever abused my EAC,

Violet, start your own thread, its probably best and whoever creates the next 'support for all of those living with estrangement' think about changing the title.

Bridie22 please don't doubt yourself. I don't know what I would have done without this thread it's been my lifeline . Since VioletSky has been posting on here she has tried to change what and who this thread is for. To me this thread is for those of us who have been estranged by our child or children. Not for people who do the estranging like VioletSky has done . Keep posting and reading you will get comfort ,support, understanding and friendship.

PoppyBlue the thread does not need retitling as it's been running for many years under it. We know where to come when Smiles starts a new one.

Bridie22 forgot to say have only a few panels are still in the greenhouse Even the door blew off. 3 panels must be someone else's garden . And my plants are toast. What can you do mother nature always wins. ?

Yes but not everyone knows. It's not just about the few regular posters.
There are new people joining, finding themselves estranged or estranging people looking for support.
Finding this site or this thread and seeing 'SUPPORT for all living with estrangement' and its not the case.

Maybe add 'parents/grandparents who have been estranged' rather than 'all' to avoid confusion.

I did start a thread for that purpose and it didn't go very well so I'd rather it wasn't me that started a new one as I'd get upset if it wasn't kept on topic.

I can leave this thread though. Its just that when I suggest doing that I get told that it's for everyone impacted by estrangement.

Just go for it Violet, there seems to be a few other threads on the subject. You've been encouraged by a few posters to create your own and not post here so I'm sure it will go better this time if there's 2 threads on the same thing, from different pov.

It's such a horrible situation to be in, its very confusing and hurtful so maybe 2 threads will work better.

I come here for support and to lighten my spirits, but I must say when I read VS posts and those with the same mindset that support her, I find it upsetting and makes me think about not returning. I'm sure any new posters would run a mile. So I think for VS to start her own thread for like minded estranging AC is a very good idea.

PoppyBlue, I usually only post in this thread if I think my perspective, as an estranged AC, might be helpful. I found this forum and thread looking for the perspective of GPs who estrange their own children, looking for understanding. It ranks very high up the search listings.

PoppyBlue I only joined this thread just over a year anyone who reads it can see who and want it's about. You don't need a genius IQ to work it out .
Also it's been working very well with this title as this is part 8 or 9. That's thousands of post.

Smiles keep the title it works for us .

Yogin sorry VioletSky and her supports upset you. Think that was the plan. That's what annoys me about her posts . To her we must have abused our children to turn against us. She can't see good parents get estranged through no fault of their own.

I like others here never saw the estrangement coming. It just happened out of the blue.

Keep reading and posting love hearing from you .

I sort of feel like I fit here. We are the estranged party, we didn't estrange. Though I have considered that the discussion that resulted in that didn't hear, so I'd be curious what the exact wording was, from who.